sunnydaysahead Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I'll try to keep this short but its a 6 year ordeal so kind of hard. Started having an affair over 6 years ago. Was married for 16 yrs. MM was married for over 20. Both have adult children. We had a few Ddays and he left and went back twice. Now we are both divorced and have been living together for 2 years. Have had ups and downs. The major thing is his ex. She has not moved on and still calls him several times a week. I just found out the extent of her calls. Still trys to start drama making stuff up, telling him she and others sees me at bars etc. Most of the times I'm at work or home so he doesn’t believe her. Tells him I harass her all hours of the day. Ive never called her. Still calls my ex and tells lies. Which he has remarried and doesn’t care. I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. I don’t think she will ever stop. On one hand I don’t want to leave because both exs have said we will not stay together and I don’t want them to be right but this is not worth the drama. Until my affair I was drama free and had a decent marriage even though we had no communication that was the problem. It led me to confide in someone else. Also, we are pretty happy except the sex part. It doesn’t seem to be exciting and is just plain boring, I guess that’s because we used to sneak around and it was exciting then. Sorry to ramble, there so much more to this but just saying if your in an affair look at both sides and see how much baggage you will have to deal with if you ever got together. It may not be worth it. Everyday I think I could still be with my ex if we would of went to counseling and there wouldn’t be all this drama.
spice4life Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Wow, that sounds like a really hard situation to be in. Thanks for sharing, I'm sure others who have hopes will find this helpful. I'm not and never have been in that situation, but just wanted say sorry you are having a tough time. Does he stand up to his ex or does he let her walk all over him? Have the two of you tried counseling?
Author sunnydaysahead Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 We have not been to counseling. He stands up to her but takes her calls most of the time. I thought it was just once a week. I didn’t want to but, I looked online at our cell records and its several times a week. There are no calls from him to her. He says he does not want to be an a** so he just listens to her. She calls me at work and leaves messages about being a home wrecker and other things. She now changes her voice cause the secretary wont even transfer her calls and my office has a restraining order against her, she used to come there and sit outside and take pictures of me walking to my car. He didn’t believe me till I recorded some. I know whets she doing, trying to make me not want to deal with it cause she wants him back still. She’s even come by our house while I'm not there. I do feel bad for my part in their break up. But I get all the blame and he none. This is from his whole family. I'm not excepted but from one son and his sister. Its just getting very hard to deal with. This woman is 50 yrs old and their divorce has been final for two years.
Mutant Debutante Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Ok she's not handlingit with dignity or whatever. But they were married TWENTY years...two years is like nothing.
spice4life Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 We have not been to counseling. He stands up to her but takes her calls most of the time. I thought it was just once a week. I didn’t want to but, I looked online at our cell records and its several times a week. There are no calls from him to her. He says he does not want to be an a** so he just listens to her. She calls me at work and leaves messages about being a home wrecker and other things. She now changes her voice cause the secretary wont even transfer her calls and my office has a restraining order against her, she used to come there and sit outside and take pictures of me walking to my car. He didn’t believe me till I recorded some. I know whets she doing, trying to make me not want to deal with it cause she wants him back still. She’s even come by our house while I'm not there. I do feel bad for my part in their break up. But I get all the blame and he none. This is from his whole family. I'm not excepted but from one son and his sister. Its just getting very hard to deal with. This woman is 50 yrs old and their divorce has been final for two years. That's awful. It has been two years and this stuff should have settled down by now. I highly suggest counseling because a therapist will help him see how inaapropriate her behavior is. He needs to hear, from an objective outsider, that he is enabling her behavior by taking these calls and not setting appropriate boundaries. Not wanting to be an a** is not a good excuse. (((Hugs))) to you! I can only imagine how difficult this is.
woinlove Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 That's awful. It has been two years and this stuff should have settled down by now. I highly suggest counseling because a therapist will help him see how inaapropriate her behavior is. He needs to hear, from an objective outsider, that he is enabling her behavior by taking these calls and not setting appropriate boundaries. Not wanting to be an a** is not a good excuse. (((Hugs))) to you! I can only imagine how difficult this is. I agree with this that counselling for him would be good. The way he interacts with his xW may be guided by guilt.
eleanor01 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I agree with the advice to get counseling. You're both in a bad situation. Could it be that his ex-wife is the reason that you're not having good sex anymore? All best, Ellie
scatterd Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Do you think maybe he is seeing her now and saying its innocent.Im just wondering with the sex and stuff good luck
Spark1111 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I'll try to keep this short but its a 6 year ordeal so kind of hard. Started having an affair over 6 years ago. Was married for 16 yrs. MM was married for over 20. Both have adult children. We had a few Ddays and he left and went back twice. Now we are both divorced and have been living together for 2 years. Have had ups and downs. The major thing is his ex. She has not moved on and still calls him several times a week. I just found out the extent of her calls. Still trys to start drama making stuff up, telling him she and others sees me at bars etc. Most of the times I'm at work or home so he doesn’t believe her. Tells him I harass her all hours of the day. Ive never called her. Still calls my ex and tells lies. Which he has remarried and doesn’t care. I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. I don’t think she will ever stop. On one hand I don’t want to leave because both exs have said we will not stay together and I don’t want them to be right but this is not worth the drama. Until my affair I was drama free and had a decent marriage even though we had no communication that was the problem. It led me to confide in someone else. Also, we are pretty happy except the sex part. It doesn’t seem to be exciting and is just plain boring, I guess that’s because we used to sneak around and it was exciting then. Sorry to ramble, there so much more to this but just saying if your in an affair look at both sides and see how much baggage you will have to deal with if you ever got together. It may not be worth it. Everyday I think I could still be with my ex if we would of went to counseling and there wouldn’t be all this drama. Her behavior towards you is totally over the top and HAS to stop. Why does he allow it? He needs counseling and you should both go to MC. As for the sex? Forbidden sex in stolen moments IS exciting and fun. Now you have a real relationship and it takes much more effort to keep it so. Do not stay with him to spite others who said you would never make it. If you think you made a mistake, possibly, admit that in MC. Have you told your H how you really feel? You need to share these thoughts with him. It will not be easy, but it is necessary. He is STILL avoiding conflict and needs to address that with a trained professional.
MissBee Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I'll try to keep this short but its a 6 year ordeal so kind of hard. Started having an affair over 6 years ago. Was married for 16 yrs. MM was married for over 20. Both have adult children. We had a few Ddays and he left and went back twice. Now we are both divorced and have been living together for 2 years. Have had ups and downs. The major thing is his ex. She has not moved on and still calls him several times a week. I just found out the extent of her calls. Still trys to start drama making stuff up, telling him she and others sees me at bars etc. Most of the times I'm at work or home so he doesn’t believe her. Tells him I harass her all hours of the day. Ive never called her. Still calls my ex and tells lies. Which he has remarried and doesn’t care. I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. I don’t think she will ever stop. On one hand I don’t want to leave because both exs have said we will not stay together and I don’t want them to be right but this is not worth the drama. Until my affair I was drama free and had a decent marriage even though we had no communication that was the problem. It led me to confide in someone else. Also, we are pretty happy except the sex part. It doesn’t seem to be exciting and is just plain boring, I guess that’s because we used to sneak around and it was exciting then. Sorry to ramble, there so much more to this but just saying if your in an affair look at both sides and see how much baggage you will have to deal with if you ever got together. It may not be worth it. Everyday I think I could still be with my ex if we would of went to counseling and there wouldn’t be all this drama. I don't know if you left your marriage for your current bf...or you would have left anyway but I think it is important for folks to leave a relationship as they judge the relationship itself to be unsuitable versus leaving for another....as if the other isn't panning out as they'd like, it can lead to much regret. Anyway that was an aside. I do not believe that you should stay with someone to prove something to other people. It simply makes no sense. While you pretend to be happy, they are living their own life and quite frankly probably don't give a crap about what you're doing, while you're still the one in an unhappy situation, keeping up appearances for people who don't care that much. It is better IMO to admit you made a mistake, admit not being happy and go forward with those lessons than to simply try to save face. Your exes may have been right...so what???? Be grown, accept the lessons and learn from it, you'll be much better off that way than living a lie for the sake of them not being right. Don't live your life based on looking good to other people, live it for yourself and your happiness. Anyway, if you want to save your relationship I do agree with those who suggested counseling. Your boyfriend's behavior with the ex is indeed enabling the behavior and as someone else said, he may still be experiencing guilt which is why he allows it. 2 years is not that long....it took me almost 2 years to get over a relationship that lasted less than 2 years! Furthermore all the baggage and drama of a marriage, kids, a whole life together. Sorry...but for some, they may very well make a clean break and move on by then, but for many others 2 years can feel like 2 months! You lacked communication in your other relationship and this new one is probably lacking as well. The problem is, if one has poor relationship habits, no matter how many people you date or marry you bring those habits with you and until you learn better ones, ALL relationships are doomed. Some people make the mistake of believing it was that person so if they get a new person , problem solved, when in reality, it is them too. I think you definitely should receive counseling and work on yourself and your relationship skills and figure out if you can do things better or part ways, and even if you part ways, you should still cultivate good relationship habits to take to your next relationship.
worlybear Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I'll try to keep this short but its a 6 year ordeal so kind of hard. Started having an affair over 6 years ago. Was married for 16 yrs. MM was married for over 20. Both have adult children. We had a few Ddays and he left and went back twice. Now we are both divorced and have been living together for 2 years. Have had ups and downs. The major thing is his ex. She has not moved on and still calls him several times a week. I just found out the extent of her calls. Still trys to start drama making stuff up, telling him she and others sees me at bars etc. Most of the times I'm at work or home so he doesn’t believe her. Tells him I harass her all hours of the day. Ive never called her. Still calls my ex and tells lies. Which he has remarried and doesn’t care. I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. I don’t think she will ever stop. On one hand I don’t want to leave because both exs have said we will not stay together and I don’t want them to be right but this is not worth the drama. Until my affair I was drama free and had a decent marriage even though we had no communication that was the problem. It led me to confide in someone else. Also, we are pretty happy except the sex part. It doesn’t seem to be exciting and is just plain boring, I guess that’s because we used to sneak around and it was exciting then. Sorry to ramble, there so much more to this but just saying if your in an affair look at both sides and see how much baggage you will have to deal with if you ever got together. It may not be worth it. Everyday I think I could still be with my ex if we would of went to counseling and there wouldn’t be all this drama. And you really didn't see this coming??? You mess with a marriage of 20+years and expect no fall-out? If your original marriage was "decent" WTF were you doing messing around in somebody elses! My sympathies are with the exes- hope they meet better quality human beings in the not so distant future. Sympathies for you and your cheating partner? Zilch.Reap as you sow. 1
JaneyAmazed Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I'll try to keep this short but its a 6 year ordeal so kind of hard. Started having an affair over 6 years ago. Was married for 16 yrs. MM was married for over 20. Both have adult children. We had a few Ddays and he left and went back twice. Now we are both divorced and have been living together for 2 years. Have had ups and downs. The major thing is his ex. She has not moved on and still calls him several times a week. I just found out the extent of her calls. Still trys to start drama making stuff up, telling him she and others sees me at bars etc. Most of the times I'm at work or home so he doesn’t believe her. Tells him I harass her all hours of the day. Ive never called her. Still calls my ex and tells lies. Which he has remarried and doesn’t care. I just don’t know if I can take this anymore. I don’t think she will ever stop. On one hand I don’t want to leave because both exs have said we will not stay together and I don’t want them to be right but this is not worth the drama. Until my affair I was drama free and had a decent marriage even though we had no communication that was the problem. It led me to confide in someone else. Also, we are pretty happy except the sex part. It doesn’t seem to be exciting and is just plain boring, I guess that’s because we used to sneak around and it was exciting then. Sorry to ramble, there so much more to this but just saying if your in an affair look at both sides and see how much baggage you will have to deal with if you ever got together. It may not be worth it. Everyday I think I could still be with my ex if we would of went to counseling and there wouldn’t be all this drama. I hate to say it but you have a weak man. He is allowing the drama. Also,If you are staying together just to prove to your exs that you won't break up, you have a lot of maturing to do. You're going to be miserable and put up a front just for the sake being "right?" Good luck with that. It will not be worth it in the end. If you pretend you have a great relationship, but it's falling apart behind the scenes, no one wins. Other people don't live your life. Who cares what they think? What's the worst that could happen? They'd say "I told you so?" Just say, "you're right. lesson learned...moving on." Be mature, be wise, be honest. People who cause drama or allow drama to interfere in their lives are very immature.
fooled once Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I hate to say it but you have a weak man. He is allowing the drama. Also,If you are staying together just to prove to your exs that you won't break up, you have a lot of maturing to do. You're going to be miserable and put up a front just for the sake being "right?" Good luck with that. It will not be worth it in the end. If you pretend you have a great relationship, but it's falling apart behind the scenes, no one wins. Other people don't live your life. Who cares what they think? What's the worst that could happen? They'd say "I told you so?" Just say, "you're right. lesson learned...moving on." Be mature, be wise, be honest. People who cause drama or allow drama to interfere in their lives are very immature. Great post Janey! I agree, the xMM is a weakling and it is obvious he is putting his ex wife's happiness ahead of his current partner. He knows it bothers his current partner, yet he continues to answer the calls. As for staying with someone so you can prove someone else wrong? How stupid is that! Sounds like 12 year olds fighting over stupid stuff.
Emme Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 He doesn't have to do anything, you do. You need to handle your business. Put your foot down. All three of you on the phone not face to face. It's not necessary. Have him inform her it stops today. Right now. I will no longer be in contact with you. Change your home phone number, both your cell phone numbers. If they have adult children then there's no immediate need to contact him in the event of an emergency. If his children want a phone number the home phone is acceptable. If it's an emergency only give out your cell phone number. She misses her ex husband and that's understandable. The thing is you can't sit and wait for someone to take control of the situation. Do that yourself. Good luck.
mzdolphin Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 This is why it's important to allow the married party to end the marriage first. They need to do this without any guarantee that you will be the. This way they won't have those regrets. That is why I think ending an affair is always best for the OW/OM. If he leaves and then tries to find you, you can build a foundation of your own. Don't be his taxi, waiting for him to jump in as soon as he dumps the wife. If he arrives at the decision on his own, that the marriage was dead, he will feel better about pursuing you. And he will respect you more for cutting things off.
SunsetRed Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 This is why it's important to allow the married party to end the marriage first. They need to do this without any guarantee that you will be the. This way they won't have those regrets. That is why I think ending an affair is always best for the OW/OM. If he leaves and then tries to find you, you can build a foundation of your own. Don't be his taxi, waiting for him to jump in as soon as he dumps the wife. If he arrives at the decision on his own, that the marriage was dead, he will feel better about pursuing you. And he will respect you more for cutting things off. Perfectly said, thank you I needed to hear that.
Radagast Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Don't be his taxi, waiting for him to jump in as soon as he dumps the wife. If he arrives at the decision on his own, that the marriage was dead, he will feel better about pursuing you. And he will respect you more for cutting things off. Really? While I can't speak for the man in question since I don't know him personally as you seem to, I can speak for myself. Would I have "respected my wife more" had she dropped me just when I needed her the very most - when I was facing the biggest decision of my life, most needing my closest friend to turn to to talk things through? I would have felt betrayed, diminished, reduced to an inconvenience in her life, and would have questioned the strength of the love she professed since she could so easily turn her back on me at my most vulnerable. I would have doubted a future with her, seen her as fickle and myself as her mere plaything and would have questioned my decision to leave in the face of her betrayal. I might well have ended up staying, feeling it was better not to disrupt the children's lives for what would certainly have appeared selfish - breaking up the family without something better to offer them in its stead. Everyone would have lost.
siuys Posted October 11, 2011 Posted October 11, 2011 Really? While I can't speak for the man in question since I don't know him personally as you seem to, I can speak for myself. Would I have "respected my wife more" had she dropped me just when I needed her the very most - when I was facing the biggest decision of my life, most needing my closest friend to turn to to talk things through? I would have felt betrayed, diminished, reduced to an inconvenience in her life, and would have questioned the strength of the love she professed since she could so easily turn her back on me at my most vulnerable. I would have doubted a future with her, seen her as fickle and myself as her mere plaything and would have questioned my decision to leave in the face of her betrayal. I might well have ended up staying, feeling it was better not to disrupt the children's lives for what would certainly have appeared selfish - breaking up the family without something better to offer them in its stead. Everyone would have lost. Maybe... but not every situation justifies the person staying. And not staying does not mean the person does not love him/her or not support him/her. I stuck around for xMM. Was always there basically waiting for him to sort himself out and move out so we could have a life together as he said that was what he wanted too. Mistake. Why? Because yes, I was there as a support. And yes, I was there when he needed me. But it was one-way traffic. I don't think in the end he respected that and I increasingly felt like a doormat and was losing self respect fast. Well, he did sort himself out in a way and he did move out. But after all that, his actions were telling me that now he is ok again, he doesn't need me anymore. I was a soft landing for him. Sometimes it's not about support. Sometimes it's just plain dumb to stick around.
snowflakes88 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 Wait, let me get this right. You're upset because another woman is interfering in your relationship? I can't be the only one who sees the irony.
NoIDidn't Posted October 14, 2011 Posted October 14, 2011 Really? While I can't speak for the man in question since I don't know him personally as you seem to, I can speak for myself. Would I have "respected my wife more" had she dropped me just when I needed her the very most - when I was facing the biggest decision of my life, most needing my closest friend to turn to to talk things through? I would have felt betrayed, diminished, reduced to an inconvenience in her life, and would have questioned the strength of the love she professed since she could so easily turn her back on me at my most vulnerable. I would have doubted a future with her, seen her as fickle and myself as her mere plaything and would have questioned my decision to leave in the face of her betrayal. I might well have ended up staying, feeling it was better not to disrupt the children's lives for what would certainly have appeared selfish - breaking up the family without something better to offer them in its stead. Everyone would have lost. Why would everyone have lost because you didn't get what you wanted? In the scenario as you gave it, the OW (your now-W) was giving everything and getting nothing in return but the promise of "one day". Its best to end the affair and cause the MM to have to stand on his own two feet. A man that can't stand on his own and hold his own counsel, should not get married. He did not need the counsel and support of the OW when he married, he shouldn't need it when he's contemplating divorce. People need to own their decisions instead of trying to spread around the liability for them. That's weak.
Radagast Posted October 16, 2011 Posted October 16, 2011 Why would everyone have lost because you didn't get what you wanted? In the scenario as you gave it' date=' the OW (your now-W) was giving everything and getting nothing in return but the promise of "one day".[/quote'] Everybody would not have lost "because I didn't get what I wanted". Everybody would have lost because they would not have gotten what they wanted. Its best to end the affair and cause the MM to have to stand on his own two feet. A man that can't stand on his own and hold his own counsel, should not get married. He did not need the counsel and support of the OW when he married, he shouldn't need it when he's contemplating divorce. People need to own their decisions instead of trying to spread around the liability for them. That's weak. You've never had a friend who was going through a divorce come to you for support? You've gone through divorce yourself not speaking to a single soul about it, before during or after? Perhaps we simply have different expectations of friendship and interdependence. I choose to share how I feel, my hopes, dreams and fears, with my friends, and they with me. Not everyone is the same, I acknowledge - some choose to discuss only sport or the weather. You may be among those, perhaps. I am not.
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