mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 This guy and I have been flirting and stuff for a few months now, we used to work together. At work, I'd be shy he'd be making all the first moves and flirting and trying to get my attention. However, I'd be the one intiating the texting and although he'd be nice during the conversations, they wouldnt be very profound and he'd leave or just stop responding. Then I wouldnt text him for a while, and he'd text me first, we'd have a conversation and I'd start texting him again thinking we were 'all good'. The cycle would repeat. Well I've moved away for university and him and I hadnt texted him for around a month so 2 weeks ago, he texted me and we conversed, so last week I made the intiative and texted him and he seemed very into it and even when I took a few hours to reply, he'd reply right away with long messages. When I ended the conversation, he seemed like he still wanted to talk so I definitely left him wanting more! SO..I texted him twice within this week, once 4 days after that last conversation (during which I also left first and didnt say much during the conversation because I expplained to him that I was very busy, and he was completely nice about it). Then I texted him 3 days afterwards. During which, he didnt even seem want to talk at all and took 7 hours to reply to a message! So I told him (trying to not yet another clingy girl) that if he's busy, he doesnt need to feel obliged to reply. I thought that was a really nice thing to say but he didnt even reply! If he was busy, he could've said so and left like a decent person. I know he was attracted to me and liked me, it was obvious to everybody, but I thought that if you liked someone, all these stupid games didnt matter. As I said at the begining, this has happened a lot and its a cycle, but this was the last straw. I like him A LOT, and to me, it seems like he knows this and is taking advantage of it. He thinks he can be rude like this and expect me to still be here for him when he actually feels like talking. I wonder that if he's so moody and selfish right now, what would he be like if we were dating? I feel like maybe I should just give up on him and move on, even though he is a REALLY nice guy asides from his mood swings. If he texts me in the future, should I let him know about all of that, or give him a taste of his own medicine and take a gazillion years to reply and then just stop? I dont want him thinking that my world revolves around him and I'll always be here whenever he decides to stop being an ass. What should I do? Give up? Play hard to get since he seems to respond to those stupid games?
Lobouspo Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I would just back off, and play it cool. Hang out with friends, stay busy and see other people. Try not to get to emotionally vested in this guy, because you will drive yourself nuts. Dont stoop to his level and play games. At the end of the day you deserve someone who will reciprocate your interest and feelings. Never settle for less. I have been in your shoes and it can turn into a vicious cycle...hope that helps
thatone Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 sounds like you're both playing games with each other and you're not even dating yet. aside from his mood swings...yeah...
Author mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 I would just back off, and play it cool. Hang out with friends, stay busy and see other people. Try not to get to emotionally vested in this guy, because you will drive yourself nuts. Dont stoop to his level and play games. At the end of the day you deserve someone who will reciprocate your interest and feelings. Never settle for less. I have been in your shoes and it can turn into a vicious cycle...hope that helps That's what I've been thinking too! If he liked me enough, none of these stupid games or rules about being too avaliable should matter. When you like someone, its normal to want to talk to them and get to know them and I'm sick of being the only one putting in the effort. Thank you
Author mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 sounds like you're both playing games with each other and you're not even dating yet. aside from his mood swings...yeah... Yes its a horrible prelude to a 'relationship' that would never have worked out anyway, I've realized that.
snug.bunny Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Sounds like he wasn't interested. If he was flirting with you, that means he isn't shy enough not to ask you out... You corresponded with him enough where there was an opportunity present for him to ask you out, and he didn't. At which point, you could have either asked him out yourself, or stopped "texting" altogether.
Author mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 So what should I do if he texts me? History shows that he will within a few weeks. Should I tell him the truth, or just play it cool and distant, acting like he's just a friend ?
snug.bunny Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 So what should I do if he texts me? History shows that he will within a few weeks. Should I tell him the truth, or just play it cool and distant, acting like he's just a friend ? Perhaps you can suggest getting together and going out for a bite to eat or something? Don't act like a "friend" unless that's all you view him as. IF you feel though that he is being disingenuous somehow, then I wouldn't continue to communicate with him. Be cordial, but keep in mind that there is no written contract somewhere that says you have to reply back if you prefer not to.
daphne Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 It's one thing to not be too available to be taken for granted. You stay busy, live your life and have fun while not making the guy the center of your universe. You are not doing this. You are taking score. I can't believe you can keep track of who waited how long to text the other back and how many times. This is not aloof behavior. It sounds like a competition. You are both playing games and I would stop looking at it like he's in this by himself. If you don't like playing games, stop. But don't play them and expect not to receive the same in kind.
Author mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 It's one thing to not be too available to be taken for granted. You stay busy, live your life and have fun while not making the guy the center of your universe. You are not doing this. You are taking score. I can't believe you can keep track of who waited how long to text the other back and how many times. This is not aloof behavior. It sounds like a competition. You are both playing games and I would stop looking at it like he's in this by himself. If you don't like playing games, stop. But don't play them and expect not to receive the same in kind. I was not aware I was playing games, although I admit I have a competitive nature. How do you suggest I stop playing games? I don't want to come across as an obsessed girl who can't take a hint either.
daphne Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I was not aware I was playing games, although I admit I have a competitive nature. How do you suggest I stop playing games? I don't want to come across as an obsessed girl who can't take a hint either. First, stop taking it personally when he doesn't respond in the time frame that you like. You make him wait, so be able to go with the flow when you don't hear from him. Second, unless it's a pattern, don't worry about it. Aloof means you're not counting the seconds, taking score and idly waiting for the call. You should be busy and having fun with your life. You sound young, and if you're not having fun you're doing it wrong. He won't be at the foremost of your thoughts. If he calls or texts, you're happy to hear from him. If not, you're happy to do something else. And you are hopefully meeting a lot of guys, and the lucky one will be one that wants to be on your radar. Third, don't ever say anything indicating you've noticed he hasn't responded. Saying he's not obliged to respond basically showed all your cards that you care too much and you are far from aloof. The key to being aloof is to still be sure to flirt with the guy, while remaining slightly distant to not move things too far forward in too short a period of time. It's getting to know someone without jumping into an insta-relationship, where the girl becomes clingy and then rejected. Hope this helps.
Author mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 First, stop taking it personally when he doesn't respond in the time frame that you like. You make him wait, so be able to go with the flow when you don't hear from him. Second, unless it's a pattern, don't worry about it. Aloof means you're not counting the seconds, taking score and idly waiting for the call. You should be busy and having fun with your life. You sound young, and if you're not having fun you're doing it wrong. He won't be at the foremost of your thoughts. If he calls or texts, you're happy to hear from him. If not, you're happy to do something else. And you are hopefully meeting a lot of guys, and the lucky one will be one that wants to be on your radar. Third, don't ever say anything indicating you've noticed he hasn't responded. Saying he's not obliged to respond basically showed all your cards that you care too much and you are far from aloof. The key to being aloof is to still be sure to flirt with the guy, while remaining slightly distant to not move things too far forward in too short a period of time. It's getting to know someone without jumping into an insta-relationship, where the girl becomes clingy and then rejected. Hope this helps. Wow thanks so much, that was so helpful! I guess in trying to sound like I didn't care (hence the 'don't feel obliged' comment), I did just the opposite.
Ojitos Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 "he is a REALLY nice guy asides from his mood swings" = bipolar disorder-either unmedicated or not. You don't need that along with game playing anyway. Just go on your way. One door closes and another opens.
Author mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 "he is a REALLY nice guy asides from his mood swings" = bipolar disorder-either unmedicated or not. You don't need that along with game playing anyway. Just go on your way. One door closes and another opens. Oh wow I never thought of that :/ My friends who know him also think its out of his character to be like this on and off, he is one of the sweetest guy we've ever known, everyone thinks so. Thanks for that perspective!
Author mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 Going off on what Ojitos said, he's the kind of guy who gives up his seat on the bus for the elderly, opens doors for the handicapped, takes in or takes care of stray or hurt animals and so many other things. But he's also really funny and knows how to have a good time. All the reasons why I fell so hard for him in the first place. And to answer why he hasn't asked me out already, he's 7 years older than me (I'm 19 and he's 26). He thought I was older at first and asked me out to a movie, and when I told him my age, he backed off for a while. Even now, I think he hesistates because of the age difference, and constantly used to talk about how everyone thinks he looks so much younger (he does) and how he gets carded all the time and whatnot. There's many reasons I can give as to why I'm pretty sure he has some feelings for me, but I know he does. Which is why I get so confused when he pulls away like this, and then comes back and when I reciprocate, pulls away again. I just wish I could have a straight answer about whether there is a chance that anything could ever happen between us. Btw, we don't work together anymore, I moved about half an hour for college this year, so I assumed nothing would ever happen and moved on. But a few weeks later, he texted me saying he missed me and asking me about how school was going, etc., and I started liking him again.
thatone Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 age difference of 35 and 28 is one thing. age difference of 26 and 19 is another. he's past college, figuring out what to do with his life, where he'll live, what he'll do for a living, etc. you're not, you're just starting the period of life he's done with. if he has half a brain in his head he realizes that and is hesitant because of it.
snug.bunny Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 And to answer why he hasn't asked me out already, he's 7 years older than me (I'm 19 and he's 26). He thought I was older at first and asked me out to a movie, and when I told him my age, he backed off for a while. This is confusing. You say he hasn't asked you out, but then you said he did... If he did ask you out (to the movies) how come the date never materialized?
Author mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 This is confusing. You say he hasn't asked you out, but then you said he did... If he did ask you out (to the movies) how come the date never materialized? Technically yes he did ask me out but he thought I was 21 when he asked, but when I told him my real age (when he asked me to the movies, I told him that he should know I'm 19) he was surprised, saying how he thought I was 21, and the movie date was not brought up again. So he backed off. He hasn't asked me out after that fiasco.
Author mehtaad Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 age difference of 35 and 28 is one thing. age difference of 26 and 19 is another. he's past college, figuring out what to do with his life, where he'll live, what he'll do for a living, etc. you're not, you're just starting the period of life he's done with. if he has half a brain in his head he realizes that and is hesitant because of it. The age difference is definitely the main issue. Sometimes I wonder what I'm even doing going after someone so much older and he probably has the same thoughts, but feelings aren't logical things sadly. I think I should just leave it be, a relationship with such a difference probably wouldn't work out anyway.
snug.bunny Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Technically yes he did ask me out but he thought I was 21 when he asked, but when I told him my real age (when he asked me to the movies, I told him that he should know I'm 19) he was surprised, saying how he thought I was 21, and the movie date was not brought up again. So he backed off. He hasn't asked me out after that fiasco. Gotcha! But, why did he think you were 21? In any case, maybe he did back off because of the age difference, especially given you're under the age of 21. Technically, you are still a teenager and he may not be comfortable dating a teen.
Author mehtaad Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Gotcha! But, why did he think you were 21? In any case, maybe he did back off because of the age difference, especially given you're under the age of 21. Technically, you are still a teenager and he may not be comfortable dating a teen. Haha I have no idea, he had it in his head that I had told him I was 21 :S But yes I agree, some behaviour may be due to him being conflicted about the age difference. I wish there was an off button to feelings, life would be so much simpler!
snug.bunny Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Haha I have no idea, he had it in his head that I had told him I was 21 :S But yes I agree, some behaviour may be due to him being conflicted about the age difference. I think that could be the case. I wish there was an off button to feelings, life would be so much simpler! Heck ya it would!
thatone Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I wish there was an off button to feelings, life would be so much simpler! that's pretty smart for 19, lol. if you find the button let me know, i'm 5 days after a breakup. an off button would be perfect.
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