whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 I have been married for three years now, one child with my wife, and one that she had before we met. We have been together for 5 years and it seems like our relationship kind of progressed faster than it should. Not long after we started going out, she lost her job. She was devastated as she had just brought her son back from living with her parents. I had just purchased a house and did what I knew I had to do and offered for them to live with me. After a couple years, we learned that she was pregnant. Up until that point, I hadn't really considered getting married, not that early anyway. I did what I thought was the right thing to do, and that was to marry her. I did, and do love her. I'm just not sure if the marriage would have happened if not for these circumstances. Our marriage has been okay, with a few bumps, mostly due to stress over finances and kids. A few months ago, I took another job that would transfer us to a different part of the country. I had to go out of state for 6 months for training and met a woman who I am deeply in love with. I am experiencing feelings that I believe I should have felt with my wife but didn't. I just thought that maybe those feelings that people always talk about was actually a bunch of BS. She consumes my every thought from when I wake up til I go to sleep. She is in the same line of work as me and lives on the opposite side of the country. My family has still not moved up to our new location yet, and the OW has flown up to see me a couple times. She is also completely in love with me which makes me feel worse on top of the guilt that I feel over what I am doing to my family. I have never lied to her and said that I would get a divorce or anything like that, but in my mind, all I can do is hold on to some hope that we could be together. I guess while doing this, I sometimes vocalize things that give the OW hope that I will leave for her. I still tell her that I can't walk out on my family though. Initially, I thought that we could just end this thing, no big deal. Then we had to go and fall in love, making everyone's life a mess. I know I should just end it, because its sucking the life out of both of us. The problem is that I have never felt this way about any other woman and I get physically sick with the thought of never speaking to her again. My question is, even when we finally say goodbye for the last time, can my marriage last? I do love my wife and can't imagine being seperated from my kids, but can I go on when all I can do is think about another woman? I plan on throwing everything I have into the marriage, but I wonder is it just plain doomed now?
supermom Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 Does your wife know about the affair? And if no, are you going to tell her?
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 No, I haven't told her and don't have plans to. I don't really see any benefit in doing so.
allheart Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 [color=darkred][font=times new roman]Wow! I am so sorry you are so torn. It is very painful to fall in love with someone you may never have room for in your life. I admire and respect your feelings on staying with your family, but also realize it is so very difficult to close the door on the greatest love you have ever known. Have you discussed your thoughts and feelings with the OW? Do you know how she feels? Does she have a family too? If you decide to say goodbye to her, are you going to tell your wife? Sorry to ask so many questions. One last one (though) for now. I sense from your post that you have decided you won't leave your wife, is that correct...or is a part of you still contemplating pursuing more with the OW and the jury is still out on the fate of your marriage? Once you respond to these questions, I will add more. Thanks, and again I am sorry you are hurting.[/font][/color]
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 HEARTTHERAPIST First of all, thanks for not just slamming me, which is what I kind of expected from the responses. I have discussed my feelings with the other woman quite a bit actually. She says she knows I will make the decision to stay with my family and she will end up being hurt, but she can't help but hold onto some hope. She says that if I left, I would not be leaving my wife, not my kids and wouldn't stop being their father. I don't really agree with this. I think that if the wife and I just could not get along, then it would be best for everyone for us to call it quits but its not like that. We never had any big problems, I just messed up really bad and am now in love with someone else. I just feel like, the feelings I have with the other woman, I should have had the same for my wife, at least in the beginning. I really have never felt this way before, which is really messing with my head. When it ends between the other woman and I, I don't plan on telling the wife as I don't really see how it will help matters if I am trying to keep the marriage together. The other woman is single, and has no kids. She called off an engagement not too long ago because she realized she didn't love him as much as she thought. I know that this is hurting her, I just don't know how to let go. I am the type of person who normally cringes at the thought of hurting someone so it is very difficult for me to just end it for good, even though I would be hurting her less in the long run, if that makes any sense. A part of me refuses to accept an end to my relationship with her, even though I must. I just wonder if I will be thinking about her for the rest of my life asking myself, "Did I make the wrong decision?" I wonder if every time there is stress in my marriage will I think of this other girl and regret my choice. I know that if I went the other way though, I would have regretted walking out on the family too. It really is a no-win situation that I have gotten myself into.
allheart Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 [color=indigo][font=century gothic]Thank you so much for the additional information. WoWoW! Hmmmmm....I am new to this board and really hate to get slammed (so early on) but I probably will after my post is read. But, so be it. I think the owners of this board want it to be a place where all opinions can be shared and respectfully disagreed upon from time to time. I sincerely hope that this proves one of those times. I am so impressed with your level of sensitivity about all this. I can tell you have really been doing some soul searching and have given every angle a lot of thought. I sense you feel soooo torn because your conscious tells you the *right thing* to do is to stay with your family. It seems you and your wife have an 'ok' marriage and you certainly want to stay for the children. KUDO'S to you for that. And you are absolultely RIGHT...if you end the relationship with the OW, I'm an advocate of NOT TELLING the wife. It would only further strain your marriage and be tremendously hurtful to her and make you guilt ridden. So, don't tell her if you decide to end this affair. Have you ever considered staying married and maintaining the affair? Is that a fair or do-able thought to consider? You wouldn't be hurting your wife if you stayed and you could still see the OW. The biggest obstacle I see with this approach is that the other woman would have to be 'ok' with the idea. But she might surprise you and say that she doesn't care *how* she has you, she's just afraid of losing you altogether. There is no perfect answers here, but I think this approach might be do-able if you could learn to be ok with it (not continuously guilt ridden) for you are choosing to remain with your family AND you are choosing what makes you happiest. Yes, it would be easier if you and your wife fought all the time, bickered back and forth, and basically just tolerated one another, but that is not how you describe your relationship. The other question is would this type of arrangement be enough for the OW? If she loves you as deeply as I think she might, she might rather have you any way she can get you, as opposed to the excruciatingly painful process of giving you up forever. If you could somehow talk to her about this and see where you both stand, it might just be a viable solution. Your wife would not be hurt by what she doesn't know and you could stay with the family PLUS YOU could find fulfillment with the woman you love so deeply. Chances are, the OW may not want you to stay married....as she has undoubtedly had hopes of filling that space someday. A good friend of mine is in a marriage that is not ideal, but not horrible either. She has opted to stay married and continue to see her lover. She is very happy with the arrangement and so is the lover. Yes, he would like more...be able to go out as a couple (but it's a small town where everyone knows one another). They have learned to enjoy the quality time they do get to have and when they are together it is wonderful as they have made an agreement to only think positive thoughts about their relationship. They don't get to see each other often as it takes some planning and thought, but when they are together, they are so blissfully happy. It may seem I am encouraging you to keep doing what you're doing. I'm not. I am merely giving you more things to think about, because I believe when we know all the potential options, we are equipped to make better overall decisions. I don't judge people unless I have walked in very similar shoes. Even though extra marital affair are not something I condone, I have not walked in your shoes...but I've heard enough about your shoes that I know this is a very troubling time for you. Again, I'm so sorry you are struggling with these decisions. Sometimes in life...we don't plan to meet and fall in love with someone else...but then we meet them and we do. It is a painful thing to go through for sure for if families are involved, and you are trying to consider everyone's feelings as well as your own. In some ways, you may have felt, "Why should I have to give up on my hopes and dreams." It doesn't seem right or fair to you. I can only offer support and tell you it likely won't be this way forever. I am interested in keeping up with you and what you decide. Please tell me what you think about my answer and let me know how you are doing! God Bless! [/font][/color]
whichwayisup Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 heartthrerapist Thank you for the time you put in to respond, The other woman had made it clear that she eventually wants me to herself. She said she will wait (although not forever) until she can have me. I have told her that that is probably not a good idea. I don't want her letting her life pass her by. She also happens to live on the opposite coast which complicates it even further. She keeps talking about looking for a job out here. I try not to encourage her, but the part of me that does not want to let her go still entertains the thought. No, I don't think continuing the relationship would be fair for anyone involved. I just wonder, if I end it, should I cut off all contact with her? Right now, I can't bear the thought speaking to her for the last time. Would an e-mail every once in a while be bad? I am in a profession with a much higher than average divorce rate. If my marriage could not make it for other reasons down the road, would it be bad to contact the other woman to try to resume the relationship?
devastated Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 I am going to add my two cents in here. My husband had an affair that lasted for eight months, the woman is now pregnant maybe his maybe not. How can you say that you do not plan to tell your wife about the affair? That is the most horrible thing that I have ever heard!! When my husband disclosed the fact that he had an affair it was the worst day of my life, by far. However, to let your wife continue to go on without knowing the truth I think is worse. You need to let her decide if SHE wants to continue this lie of a marriage that you have. If you are unable to give your wife 100?% then you have no business being married. I feel sorry for your wife, I feel sorry for anyone that has to go through the same kind of crap that I have had to go through. If you do not tell your wife about the secret life that you have been living, it WILL tear you apart and if you can stand the guilt that you have to go through to hold on to this secret, well you must be super man. Every time you look in your wife's eyes and she tells you "I love you" every time your kids call you daddy, how do you feel? 1
allheart Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 [color=darkblue][font=times new roman]To Devastated, you openly admitted when your husband told you, it was the worst day of your life. If he hadn't told you, it wouldn't have been. 'Nuff said on that. whichwayisup...Again, I will reiterate I fully support your decision to NOT tell your wife. I have had a lot of experience with this situation and NEVER have I seen the secret revealed bring anything good into the marriage, NOR have I ever seen the person keeping the secret REGRET that decision once made. If you have decided to end it (and sounds like you have) I sure wouldn't offer her any encouragement to move to your area. You should probably sit her down and tell her you have decided to stay with your wife, period. You would like to retain correspondence with her by email occasionally, but that is all she can ever expect from you at this time. I wouldn't mention a possible future with her on down the road, but if your marriage situation changes, you are certainly free to pursue her to see where she is in her life and if she has a partner. I know this is so hard for you, it's like closing a door on something and you really don't want to...but you feel you must. I admire you taking the time to think things out logically. And please don't beat yourself up too bad...society does a good enough job of that already. Remember, you are only human, and we all aspire to have a great love in our life. You have had something beautiful, if only for awhile...many people will die never having had it at all. Please keep in touch. I would like to know how you're doing. (((HUG)))[/font][/color]
devastated Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 Granted it was the worst day of my life, but do I prefer that my husband keeps lying to me, NO!! If this man desires to continue living a lie with his wife, whom does not deserve any of this, that is his choice. I find the stuff that you have written to be insulting to all those here that are trying to heal after being betrayed by their loved one's. "A good friend of mine is in a marriage that is not ideal, but not horrible either. She has opted to stay married and continue to see her lover. She is very happy with the arrangement and so is the lover. Yes, he would like more...be able to go out as a couple (but it's a small town where everyone knows one another). They have learned to enjoy the quality time they do get to have and when they are together it is wonderful as they have made an agreement to only think positive thoughts about their relationship. They don't get to see each other often as it takes some planning and thought, but when they are together, they are so blissfully happy." You say that you are not encouraging this man to do the same but it sure sounds like it to me....
allheart Posted May 16, 2004 Posted May 16, 2004 [color=darkred][font=arial]I am sorry you found what I said insulting, but the person to whom it was written, did not. And I did not write this to anyone other than whichwayisup. He didn't come in here and post as a result of needing healing...and wasn't meant to be advice for those needing healing...it is advice for the one having the affair. In fact, he thanked me for not blasting him like some others might have. Again, I stated more than once that I was not encouraging him to do anything of the kind, only giving him more things to consider. Just because you wanted to know the whole sordid details doesn't mean every partner wants or needs to know. Your situation is not exactly like everyone else's in the world. I think he has enough information now to make his decision.[/font][/color]
sierra104 Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 Hearttherapist I applausse you for your courage for posting a thread that could get you blasted(like it has). I feel you have thrown a new angle into the picture to help give whichwayisup another perspective to look at. Good Job! Whichwayisup, I am in a similar situation but without the long distances and no children, it is a very hard time for you (and me). Just know that you are not alone. I think I am going to leave my 4 year relationship and follow my heart. You only live once right? But, like you, I will not be revealing what has been going on in the 'shadows'. It is not something that needs to be shared in either of our cases. 'Some things are better left unsaid' or 'what you don't know can't hurt you' pretty well sum it up for why I feel it shouldn't be shared even if I do leave. Best of luck, Sierra
Ms_Joey Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 I myself am in a relationship where by my husband has betrayed me many times, he is also a bad trmpered man and can get quite violent. I feel sad for spouses who have been betrayed. Like me, they must have put in alot of love and effort in building a family life, stress with kids, money, in laws and everyday life.... all takes effort, hard work and pain... I had gone against family wishes to marry my husband. 6 years of marriage, 2 kids, love and effort put in, is ironic that it can't compare to the last woman he was with, they were seeing each other for a month and have even slept together. He gave her a gift that he has never given me in the 6 years of our marriage, he hardly ever give me anything as he can't really afford to. He job hops and I'm a full time model, still am. He used the last bit of his money actually meant for groceries to buy her a gift..... it's a joke, haha... many ppl dont know that love stems from years of ups and downs in a marriage/relationship.. thay think they are "in love" or "compatible" because the affiar is still very new... my husband used to love me so much before we were married, we spent everyday, 24 hours together, never seperated, we were so in love then. I had my chances to leave my marriage for a better man, better life, but i did not, i choose to stay and work on my marriage, i love much husband and kids very much. Despite going thru everyday life, marriage counseling to work on our marriage, i gotta cope with the stress of work, screaming kids, money, in laws and blah... i am trying to keep my sanity, difficulty of not sleeping well, nightmares of my husband's affair as well as anger and crying bouts......it is so unfair, after all the love and effort i put in the marriage he chose to give his love and attention to someone else he doesnt even know well or live with..... remeber, if u cheat on your spouse, u may have changed your partner, someone new and more exciting, someone u think u love, but remember, the problem stays, when your so called "new" relationship has gone through 6 months to a year, the "old problems" will surface as u only changed your partner not solve the problems of what made u stray in the first place....... and then what? u change partner again? Just so u can feel the feeling of being "in love" again? Good luck and God bless (May God help me thru this ****!)
Kat Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 Originally posted by hearttherapist [color=darkred][font=arial]it is advice for the one having the affair. In fact, he thanked me for not blasting him like some others might have. Again, I stated more than once that I was not encouraging him to do anything of the kind, only giving him more things to consider. .[/font][/color] To consider? Hello you have constantly 'informed him' of your 'support' not to tell her. You are practically brain washing him. As for your suggestions, I can see where you are coming from, if you are going to lie and cheat and then get rid of that entity, you should really keep on lying and cheating your wife even after it has finished,. Yeah groovy, good advice. Honesty is overrated anyway. He had the choice of having an affair. Now you want to remove the wife's choice to leave him for having it? Having an affair removes any right to have symathy or support, don't pretend he deserves it FOR cheating
allheart Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 [color=red][font=century gothic]To consider? Hello you have constantly 'informed him' of your 'support' not to tell her. You are practically brain washing him. As for your suggestions, I can see where you are coming from, if you are going to lie and cheat and then get rid of that entity, you should really keep on lying and cheating your wife even after it has finished,. Yeah groovy, good advice. Honesty is overrated anyway. He had the choice of having an affair. Now you want to remove the wife's choice to leave him for having it? Having an affair removes any right to have symathy or support, don't pretend he deserves it FOR cheating[/font][/color] [color=blue][font=courier new]Excuse me, brainwashing? Paaaaleese. Your second point is pure sarcasm so I won't even respond to that. No, I don't want to remove anyone's choices to do anything. Only make sure they are aware of ALL the possible choices. And him not telling her is certainly a choice, and in my experienced opinion, a one worth considering. And just for the record...honesty is NOT overrated, but there are times when truth wounds more than it helps. Most people (even those having an affair) need information, understanding, and yes...even support at times. Because you know what? They are human too and we have no idea what they have been through to get to where they are now. I try not to judge too harshly unless I've walked in their shoes or closely beside them. I may need help someday, and I would hope to get the same kind of consideration. and last but not least...thank you very much sierra for your thoughts.[/font][/color]
Matilda Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 I think that before you make any (more) decisions that you may later regret, you should stop focusing on the wife and lover for a bit, and focus on yourself. It sounds like you are just floating along in your life, and things are just "happening" to you. Why is that? Why aren't you making any definite decisions about what you want? This is what I hear you saying: "I didn't mean to get married, it just happened." "We didn't mean to have children, it just happened." "I didn't mean to have an affair, it just happened." So, why is all this stuff just happening to you? I think you should get some counseling for yourself, and explore the reasons behind all this stuff happening to you. Tell the lover that you need to stop talking to, seeing her, for a while because you need to do the best thing for both of you, which is get your head together. Tell the wife that you are having a difficult time emotionally and need to get some counseling, I'm sure she has some idea that something is wrong. Or you may be able to get some counseling without her knowing at first. Get yourself together man, and stop playing games with everyone's lives.
Linlin Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 [color=red] "I have not walked in your shoes..." Hearttherapist[/color] Exactly. Those who have lived it can comment on it best. Tak it from someone who has been involved in this type of siutation. Not telling your wife, removes her right to go on and have an honest and healthy relationship with someone else, not the one you are keeping her in with your lies. If you want someone else, be a man and set her free or give her the choice to stay and work on it with you. It is not fair to deceive her. You should go to counselling now and talk to your consellor on how to deal with it. Then when you tell your wife, you can go to counselling together and fix it if you both want it. I would have never wanted to go on not knowing what my husband was doing. In fact, I am doing great now with me and the kids and he is the one miserable since he can't have either one of us know. My comment all along to him was, "If you were unhappy, you should have been a man and left rather than having an affair." Be a man and own up to what you have done
supermom Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 I CAN'T believe you wouldn't tell your wife!!!!! I hope you get tested for STDS and anything else that your poor wife could catch because you cannot be faithful and keep your pants on in your MARRIAGE. You NEED to tell your wife. Marriage includes honesty which seems like you do not have. I feel VERY sorry for that poor wife of yours!
sdc Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 This is for whichwayisup. I’m not interested in anyone else’s opinion on what I have to say. If anyone else wants to post a scathing reply to my post then please start another thread where i can dutifully ignore you! so......to whichway...No-one , not even you or the woman you have had the affair with can really know what it will be like for you once you finally end it. Only time will tell… I am one month past ( mutually) ending an affair with a married man. And like you, the feelings were unbelievable between us. That depth of compatibility so rarely happens. I truly can empathise with you because I think that I experienced the same or very similar to what happened to you. Although I’m not the married man, Im the other woman, I can say how it is for me and what little I know of how it is for him. Be prepared for the final goodbye to be even more painful and hard to do than you might currently imagine. Be prepared for it to come back to you at any time of the day with a vengeance. Be prepared to have to grieve, because you will feel you have lost one of the most important people you have ever had in your life. My advice is NO CONTACT whatsoever after you end it.We tried to end it a couple of times before, but kept in contact “just to make sure we were both ok” But we always ended up seeing eachother again. No contact is very very hard in the first few weeks. But you must stick to it, because it is the only way to get a perspective back on your life. 3 weeks after we ended, he contacted me to see if I was ok…but told me that he was on anti –depressants and was finding it really really tough. Although it was such a rush to hear his voice again, and my heart went out to him because he was in such a painful place I wish he hadn’t done it. Nothing has changed, he still HAS to try to make his marriage work for all the many many reasons that he should! Will you live the rest of your life thinking if only?… and will you agonise if you did the right thing when you hit the next rocky patch in your marriage?……..who knows…only time will tell….. All I know is, you have had a once in a lifetime experience and society tells us that this can’t have been real, it was a dream, it would never have lasted.IT WAS WRONG!! etc etc….but I know and he knows just as you know and she knows just how much it meant to us. No-one can ever change that. I still have terrible moments of intense pain and sadness, I don’t just miss “him”, I miss the person I was when I was with him. ( For the sake of those who will read that and say.. don’t be pathetic. A man doesn’t define you!!… I feel in these very special relationships, you each enhance all the good things and make the bad things better. ) But I am now getting to a place where I am grateful to have experienced this . It has taught me so much. It was so strong that I am able to say, if it is meant to be….it will be. But can also accept that it was a case of right people, wrong time. So I don’t know what will happen for you in the long run,…….but I do know that as painful as it is…. Life does go on and you do find a way to cope. I hope you will continue to post on here. I for one will always provide a sympathetic response because I know what it’s like. It’s deep and it hurts.
allheart Posted May 17, 2004 Posted May 17, 2004 [color=black][font=times new roman]sdc....I'm not whichwayisup, but I'm not going to say anything negative either, so I hope you don't mind that I am replying. I just wanted to thank you for your poignant and heartfelt response to whichwayisup. I believe you provided another piece of the puzzle in terms of how painful a break-up (yes....even the break-up of an affair) can truly be. Your reply touched my heart because YOU have been there/done that...and were able to give some really good constructive advice to a man who is hurting. I could go on and on, pointing out things about your post that I liked or that touched me, but I won't ramble on. I just wanted to say THANKS for sharing the intimate details of your situation and having the courage to post it in the first place (at the risk of being blasted by others). I hope things get easier for you with each passing day and I'm sorry you and your former partner are still hurting. Best of Luck to You...always. [/font][/color]
Linlin Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 SDC, Although you make some interesting points, I am the wife that was married to the one that had the affair. They claimed to have all of the feelings that you did, but when push came to shove, she went back to her husband and I am separating from mine. I told him if those feelings are there, go and get her. When faced with the real world, he did not want her afterall. I am not saying that your feelings aren't real, but this happened in my case. Now he is all alone.
zarathustra Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 All I know is, you have had a once in a lifetime experience and society tells us that this can’t have been real, it was a dream, it would never have lasted.IT WAS WRONG!! etc etc….but I know and he knows just as you know and she knows just how much it meant to us. No-one can ever change that. Beautifully put. An affair's endings (notice the plural) are horribly painful. An intense affair, especially one that goes for years, is a hyper-relationship. Everything is exaggerated in an affair: the talks, the touching, the other worldly sex and the endings. As pleasurable as an affair is, the breaking apart is just as intensely painful. Unless one's soul has been seared by an over-the-top affair, one cannot understand (or even care to grasp) the affair's ecstasy and agony. Just because the relationship is illegitimate does not mean that's not a relationship. Oh, it is--in every sense of the word. Love is still lost. No contact is the only way to go.
whichwayisup Posted May 18, 2004 Posted May 18, 2004 Thanks to everyone for their input. I'm sorry to those of you who have been on the receiving end of what I've done, but I still think the best chance for the marriage is to not disclose it. I still have not been able to say the final goodbye. The other woman has suffered a major setback in her career, and I don't think now would be a good time to drop another bomb. I mean she pretty much knows that I'm staying with the family, she's just holding onto some hope. I can see why I shouldn't have any contact. Every time that I thought I would drop the bomb, we'd have a wonderful phone conversation and I would forget all about it. I don't know, I just can't imagine not knowing what's going on in her life, etc. I guess it would be better not to know though, I really wouldn't be thrilled to know about her dating life, just like she is dreading the day that I am together with my wife again.
been there also Posted May 19, 2004 Posted May 19, 2004 all heart and sierra i think you are both right and remember the heart won't lie(song by reba macintire) keep up all the advice frpm your heart.
Rightlymia Posted May 23, 2004 Posted May 23, 2004 How can you go from being sooooooo in love with the other woman to going back to your wife??? Do you love your wife like you love the other woman? Do you think you can make a marriage work after all this? I'm just curious..I just can't imagine being able to be so in love with someone else and then going back to the husband/wife. I would think there would be a lot of disappoinment.
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