breezy11 Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) I'll try to keep it short. She broke up with me 2 months ago but wanted to just redefine our relationship to friends. I kept minimal contact in that time while she contacted me until school started 6 weeks ago. Since then I did some of the things that never help out like begging/crying/etc. Full story below Me and her were actually in the same class in dental school. We started dating halfway through first year of dental school, and things were going great. She was really caring and looking after me, in ways that I could not believe. Anyways without going into too much detail on that, things got stressful for both of us in our second year of dental school: we both were feeling quite stressed and depressed by school. After second year classes ended in july, she decided she was going to take a year off because her depression was really affecting her and she was quite unsure about school. Around the same time she broke up with me because she said she had lost feelings for me, but wanted me there as a best friend. I agreed, heartbroken, and kept in touch with her over the next few weeks until school started. When school started is when I became super depressed by school and missed her even more, as I was so used to seeing her in class. Also classes have since become even more busy and intense and stressful. When we met up in september once, I prepared a huge surprise gift basket for her with a whole bunch of hand crafted personalized gifts for her, and explained to her how much I missed her and how hard school and everything was without her. She cried and told me that she was super blown away by what I did, but at the same time she was did not want to date anyone for at least a year or so, but still considered me as one of her best friends. I understood what she meant, and told her I would be by her side. As school continued a couple more weeks, I was so torn away by what was happening in school that one day it was all too much, and I went over to her house and did the dreaded begging/crying/pleading her to take me back. She said she couldn't because she was scared that she'd fall back into the depression (at this time she had started anti-depressants). she said she would still be there to help me throughout school. We continued talking and everything for the next couple of weeks, when I stupidly asked her if there is a chance after she's gone through everything and is ready to date again, whether there is a chance that she might become interested in me again even though right now she doesn't have feelings for me, or whether she knows for sure that she won't want to date me and if that was the case then I would move on and start talking to other girls etc. She said she would let me know the answer the next time I saw her. The next time that I did see her, I asked her about it again and she said the answer was that she wouldn't have feelings, but she said it was because I kept pressuring her about it. I kept pressing her about the matter that night in our conversation, then as she was leaving I went up to her and said "kiss me once and tell me you don't feel anything and I'll leave it at that". She did and said she didn't feel anything, and I smiled said ok and walked away. Afterwards she called me and apologized saying it's the meanest thing she's ever done, and that maybe it's too soon right now to be friends and I agreed. She also said that if it's meant to be, it will be. I called her a couple days later apologizing for all the pressuring I'd done, and that I wanted to be a good friend with her but right now I needed to get over her and move on and for that reason I wouldn't contact her for a while until I did move on. And that I deleted her off facebook to help me move past her. I told her I would come back to her when I was ready to be a friend to her, and that in the meantime I needed to just get through school on my own because it was my own challenge and should not involve her. Now I'm in that period of no contact, and I do want to be a good friend with her because we were friends before we dated and she's an amazingly kind and caring person. But I also do want to date her because she was an amazing girlfriend so it's a tough situation, but I guess the best thing to do is move on, believing that we will never get back together, and if after all that we just end up being good friends then that's all it was ever meant to be. I feel like with everything I did in the past few weeks, I sealed my fate in that she'll never want to get back with me. There are some thoughts and variables in my head right now though that I would appreciate some feedback on: - the fact that she's going through depression right now: could it perhaps be that once she has dealt with that and gotten fully back to normal, she maybe still want to get back with me, and that in the meantime it's difficult for her to consider any scenario where we would be together? - I think she understands where my weakness in terms of begging and crying came from, because she knows what its like to be in my shoes in school and depressed from everything. Would that still mean though that the begging and pleading I did really pushed her off from ever considering being with me? - I understand that NC is necessary for moving on, but by explicitly telling her that I am going no contact completely defeat any effect NC might have in re-attracting her - How do I move on and deal with the heartbreak, while trying to manage the madness that's school? Whenever I'm stressed out in school (ie 8pm at night and trying to finish a denture project at school) all I do is think about how much I miss her - If we can't be together as a couple I still do want to be friends with her, she's a great friend. Should I try to be friends with her after I have moved on, or would that hinder any chance of us being back together again? Edited October 8, 2011 by breezy11
sweetypielovely Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 - the fact that she's going through depression right now: could it perhaps be that once she has dealt with that and gotten fully back to normal, she maybe still want to get back with me, and that in the meantime it's difficult for her to consider any scenario where we would be together? Depression does make people push others away for sure. - I think she understands where my weakness in terms of begging and crying came from, because she knows what its like to be in my shoes in school and depressed from everything. Would that still mean though that the begging and pleading I did really pushed her off from ever considering being with me? I have done the same thing and when you dont want the person to leave you and you really love them it happens. Im going thru a break up right now and its so hard. Im dying inside. - I understand that NC is necessary for moving on, but by explicitly telling her that I am going no contact completely defeat any effect NC might have in re-attracting her I would think if she wanted to stay in touch that NC would reinvigorate her curiosity in what your doing. - How do I move on and deal with the heartbreak, while trying to manage the madness that's school? Whenever I'm stressed out in school (ie 8pm at night and trying to finish a denture project at school) all I do is think about how much I miss her I am going thru this now. Stay busy. Thats what im doing.I know its hard because every time i turn around im thinking of him. - If we can't be together as a couple I still do want to be friends with her, she's a great friend. Should I try to be friends with her after I have moved on, or would that hinder any chance of us being back together again? As we speak my BF and i had a falling out on Thursday night. He got really nasty with me on the phone and needless to say by Friday morning he told me he loved me but couldnt deal with BS anymore and broke up with me. I have been texting him to death and voice mailing him. He finally texted me today saying to give him a few days to cool off- whatever that means. I cant imagine just being friends with my ex but i guess id rather have him in my life that way than none but it be hard.
Author breezy11 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 - the fact that she's going through depression right now: could it perhaps be that once she has dealt with that and gotten fully back to normal, she maybe still want to get back with me, and that in the meantime it's difficult for her to consider any scenario where we would be together? Depression does make people push others away for sure. - I think she understands where my weakness in terms of begging and crying came from, because she knows what its like to be in my shoes in school and depressed from everything. Would that still mean though that the begging and pleading I did really pushed her off from ever considering being with me? I have done the same thing and when you dont want the person to leave you and you really love them it happens. Im going thru a break up right now and its so hard. Im dying inside. - I understand that NC is necessary for moving on, but by explicitly telling her that I am going no contact completely defeat any effect NC might have in re-attracting her I would think if she wanted to stay in touch that NC would reinvigorate her curiosity in what your doing. - How do I move on and deal with the heartbreak, while trying to manage the madness that's school? Whenever I'm stressed out in school (ie 8pm at night and trying to finish a denture project at school) all I do is think about how much I miss her I am going thru this now. Stay busy. Thats what im doing.I know its hard because every time i turn around im thinking of him. - If we can't be together as a couple I still do want to be friends with her, she's a great friend. Should I try to be friends with her after I have moved on, or would that hinder any chance of us being back together again? As we speak my BF and i had a falling out on Thursday night. He got really nasty with me on the phone and needless to say by Friday morning he told me he loved me but couldnt deal with BS anymore and broke up with me. I have been texting him to death and voice mailing him. He finally texted me today saying to give him a few days to cool off- whatever that means. I cant imagine just being friends with my ex but i guess id rather have him in my life that way than none but it be hard. thanks for the reply I appreciate it. Best thing I suppose is just move on with no expectations and whatever happens in the future happens.
Author breezy11 Posted October 13, 2011 Author Posted October 13, 2011 one other note I wanted to add, which is just full of insecurity. I'm a short guy (5' 5") and dating life can obviously be really difficult. This girl was my exact height, and when people say to just move on and go find other girls, I don't think they understand how difficult it can be in my situation to find girls that are even willing to give it a shot with me. Not only was this girl willing to try dating, but she was perfect in every way, and that's not just me "idealizing" or "putting her on a pedestal", everyone always told me how lucky I was to have a girl like her. Beautiful, smart (3.97 gpa), caring, kind, adventurous, you name it. ****, right now, I just honestly wanna end my life more than anything.
Mack05 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 (edited) Lot of red flags for me here. Going got tough in college she quit. Going got tough in the relationship she quit. I know these types of girls. My ex was this type of girl. Everytime things have gotten hard in her life, she has ran. You simply cannot rely or depend on girls like this. Are you seriously going to live your life in neutral/limbo while you wait for her to get over her depression!? Depression is very complex. Even if she makes a recovery there is no guarentee she will come back to you. Right now she is unhappy in herself, she can't be in a relationship with anybody until she gets this sorted. There are some people out there who will always drag you down. I have a hunch your ex is one of those people. There will probably be always something wrong with her. Does she have any family problems? a bad past? Hanging on for her because its hard to meet a girl your size, is no reason to hang on for an emotionally immature woman. That is what is called 'The Fear'. This is where you go back to your ex even though you know deep down they are wrong for you, because you are scared of facing the world on your own. Not good! Have a read of my signature. You need to go full NC on this girl and start the process of moving on with your life. if you don't TRUST ME you will regret it. I have been there, done that and worn the teeshirt... Edited October 13, 2011 by Mack05
Mack05 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 mack is that the one that says insanity:) thanks for a real positive contribution on this thread
TheDovic Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 could it perhaps be that once she has dealt with that and gotten fully back to normal, she maybe still want to get back with me, and that in the meantime it's difficult for her to consider any scenario where we would be together? It's possible as right now she probably associates you with this extremely tough year, but this might change when her thinking returns to being rational. I personally suffer from depression and have had many "cognitive distortions" since the breakup, such as not wanting to hang around certain friends because I associate them with being lonely (guys who never have girlfriends really) because I didn't want to become one of them. However, since taking my meds and going to therapy this feeling has completely left me and I'm happy to hang out with them. - I think she understands where my weakness in terms of begging and crying came from, because she knows what its like to be in my shoes in school and depressed from everything. Would that still mean though that the begging and pleading I did really pushed her off from ever considering being with me? She'll understand to an extent, because you're hurting and none of the damage you have done is irreversable, however it will take more work and strength on your part to turn things around (Read David DeAngelo's "Attraction isn't a choice"). - I understand that NC is necessary for moving on, but by explicitly telling her that I am going no contact completely defeat any effect NC might have in re-attracting her No, it shows you value yourself more than her, which is attractive. - How do I move on and deal with the heartbreak, while trying to manage the madness that's school? Whenever I'm stressed out in school (ie 8pm at night and trying to finish a denture project at school) all I do is think about how much I miss her You don't try to stop! Try not to think of a pink elephant right now. You can't stop thinking about it, can you? So trying not to think about her will not work. Try setting aside an hour everyday to really think about her. When you feel sad during the day write down in one sentance what you were thinking and tell yourself you're saving it for your worry hour. During your worry hour look at old photos, listen to songs which remind you of her and don't try and ease the feelings in any way, just experience them. Before doing this rate how bad you feel, then rate how bad you feel during and then again after. The point of this exercise is to show how humans habituate (or adapt) to the circumstances in their life. The more you put yourself through this the more your body will get used to her not being around and you will start to return to a place of emotional equilibrium. Another option I've been trying is self hypnosis cd's and they're really helping. I still miss my ex but that crazy intense emotional phase has left me and I'm feeling better everyday. I recommend Paul McKenna's "I can mend your broken heart." (CD comes free with the book) - If we can't be together as a couple I still do want to be friends with her, she's a great friend. Should I try to be friends with her after I have moved on, or would that hinder any chance of us being back together again? Of course, but only after you've moved on or else you could be in for a world of hurt.
lymtal1 Posted October 13, 2011 Posted October 13, 2011 sorry mack certainly didn't mean it that way was thinking you were speaking about the workout program where you get the tee shirt with that on it. my bad. sorry to you breezy meant nothing by it.
Author breezy11 Posted October 15, 2011 Author Posted October 15, 2011 Thank you mack and the thedovic for your detailed replies, really inspirational A couple of things I was hoping for some advice on: I have realized more than ever that I have huge insecurity/confidence/self-esteem issues that need addressing. It's something that I struggled with and knew about previously as well (ie during the relationship) and even talked to my gf about going in for therapy on my anxiety issues but never actually did. Without dwelling on too much regret about not doing that, I've decided to contact a psychiatrist to get the ball rolling (I got contact info of a psychiatrist who helped my friend get himself out of a rut a year ago when he was going through some personal issues). Do you think this therapy approach is a good idea? I am still somewhat skepticle about opening up my issues to a stranger but I know it's most likely going to help me out big time (both in terms of overcoming/improving all my problems, and moving on). The second thing that I'm really struggling with even when I try not to think about it, is that I feel like my actions of desperation, pleading, begging, crying, and influencing in the past few weeks before deciding to go NC will have damaged any chance of my ex ever feeling attraction to me again. Now this makes it seem like I'm not trying to move on, but what I'm struggling with is the concept that even when I've moved on, become a more confident person (NOT in the sake of getting back with my ex, but improving myself to get with any girl), will my "pushing" actions have caused irrepairable damage such that there might have been a possibility of reconciliation way down the road (again, not that I want to live for and hope for this situation) or can a girl see me as a new version of me without having that image of of the desperate version of me fixated in her head? Or will she always remember me as a desperate, needy, pathetic person? In essence, if I truly DO change not for her sake but for my own, can people see you in a new light?
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