TheDovic Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Hey guys, I know a lot of you already know my story but thought I'd give you all an update and ask for your opinion. So I've been trying to go nc for the past 2/3 weeks but just over a week ago she showed up at my house crying. Since then she's also text a few times but I didn't respond so today I got an email on FB. The email basically was telling me all about her life at present i.e. she's finding work tough, she's not seeing anyone, she's not going out and only leaves the house to visit a female friend of hers. She kept calling me pet names during the email and asking what I've been doing (and summised I've been going out a lot). She was making fun of me because I'm a bit of a light weight when it comes to drinking. She was also asking about my family and was keen to tell me a bit about hers. Finally when talking about her work she said (in a joking way) that I should be helping her instead of going out! I know it's all breadcrumbs, but does anyone else find this strange behaviour from a dumper?
eleanorhurting Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 No. Trust me. Being through breadcrumb hell for the past 2 months, No.
Author TheDovic Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 No. Trust me. Being through breadcrumb hell for the past 2 months, No. Why do they do it to us Eleanor?
eleanorhurting Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Do you want the really really ugly truth answer? because we let them
Author TheDovic Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Do you want the really really ugly truth answer? because we let them But what do THEY get out of it??? Ya know what? I'm gonna start a thread asking that very question
Mcnulty Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Maybe she misses you, maybe she has realized she's made a mistake, maybe you're a comfort blanket for her, a safety net, familiarity, whilst feeling unsettled at work and single......you will only find out by asking her why she's contacting you...do you want her back? Get things out in the open with her.
EgoJoe Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Dovic, they don't know it's breadcrumbs it's ego posturing, curiousity and sometimes general communication. She's letting the wall down but she's trying to friendzone you out of a selfish instinct, habit or ego. It's innocent in nature but also very hurtful. So lets look at this objectively: Pet names: These are familiar references to affection in which she is using to build comraderie and consensus. Info on what she's doing: What she's actually saying (or wants you to think) is "I'm not dating. I'm miserable. I am under alot of stress at work." Asking about your family: I think about you and care about the people you care about. I'm mentioning my family so you will ask about them. Telling you that you should help her: This is flirtatious entitlement behavior. Now this is just a quick objective analyses. I would actually suggest a curt response. Something along the lines of (in your own words though): "Hey, no hard feelings and all that jazz, but, I could have sworn I said I'm not going to be your friend."
betterdeal Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Maybe she wants to reconcile? If you do too, ask her if she does. Also consider what you would need her to change for you to enter into reconciliation.
Surfer Girl Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 She wants the best of both worlds... She is used to the idea of talking to you about her life... What she needs to realize... it is not about her anymore...It is the reality of the situation and that unless she is serious about wanting to get back together... she will be using you as a friend zone...Don't go there... she needs to know you are no longer a part of her life and breadcrumbs don't work...
M2155 Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Those aren't breadcrumbs, that's a whole loaf. Didn't she start seeing another guy after you? I can't remember... Sounds like she went out into the world and it didn't work the way she planned and wants to come back home. But when she does, you may not feel the same, you may never feel the same. It's so much easier to get back with you than face the world alone again. She sounds very lonely, and that would make me proceed very cautiously if you decide to do so at all.
wilsonx Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Keep NC... A quote to live by "You hesitate to stab me with a word, and know not - silence is the sharper sword. " ~Samuel Johnson
wilsonx Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I still say, confront! One of the things I have learned from all this is and talking to both crazy and insane women is that they want you to confront them. It shows that you still care. Its a sick egocentric thing they do. They want a reaction out of you. Why would you give it to them? They still want to show themselves that they have control over you. I am not going to lie I almost did. I was really close. Letting it go and actually getting to the point where you really don't care is the best path to the silence you seek
EgoJoe Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I don't agree with it being solely about "caring" because you can remove yourself from the victim role (and he is in one) and place himself into the opponent role which is a position of strength. Yet another side of this argument is that you can care about your manners, you can care about your self-respect and you can care about your boundaries. I don't think she believes he won't be "just" friends and this is a seemingly innocent and innocuous email that has more to it than the pixels we're seeing. I don't think he should respond to anything less meaningful after this but I think he needs to calmly and firmly reiterate his boundaries and not budge. Not responding can send the same message of "caring" you want to hurt her so you're not responding etc. It really depends on the message and the context of the communication. Yet at some point I think someone has to say enough games I want to be a healthy person communicating in a healthy manner. No matter what comes from the other side. Life isn't a game it's a damn gift and while I talk about opponent and victim roles. I think we would all do well to remember that we're all people who are not perfect.
Zabs Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Keep NC... A quote to live by "You hesitate to stab me with a word, and know not - silence is the sharper sword. " ~Samuel Johnson That quote is MINT! Love it! Dovic, IMO, she is trying to open a line of communication and it shounds like it is dawning on her that this migh tbe it so she is testing the waters. I wouldn't give in just yet though...because if it doesn't work out, all she will have learnt from the experience is that it might take alittle longer next time...Trust me I know! LOL If you do reply only reply to the platonic bits. SHort and sweet and as another poster said somwhere "cordially" See what happens then. IMO, they need to wake the f**k up and realise that there are no reruns in life..and they are f**king with ours! APologies for the profanity so early in the morning but it really does get under my skin! Especially when the y make out THEY are the victim! RAAAAAAAR!:mad: Anyway, further than that, see our earlier discussion yesterday. Keep us posted D! Much love Zabs xx
Author TheDovic Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 Thanks for the responses dudes. Can always count on you to put things in persepective. To McNulty: Maybe you're right, but she would need to tell me that as she was the one who dumped me. To Egojoe: Very good post dude, made me smile . With regard to confronting her, do you not think it's her job to make this move considering she dumped me??? To Betterdeal: She would need to change a lot dude, and I'm not so sure she is willing (although I've been wrong before so maybe this time too) To M2155: I didn't actually have any proof she was seeing him, just a bad feeling. Think that's called emotional reasoning (when you feel something it must be true! And I REALLY believed it!!!) To Surfergirl: I'm definitely not getting sucked into the friend zone. That's why I don't respond and why when we do talk I don't act like a friend in any way i.e. asking her how things are / counselling her. To Wilson: I will try and keep NC dude... until the day comes (if it comes) where she says she's made a mistake and is willing to make changes To Zabs: Cursing so early in the morning??? What must we all think of you :D . Thanks for the advice
silly_panda Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I will go with betterdeal and M2155 on this... The thing is, many dumpee (guys) including me expect their ex to come back begging you and all... They might do that provided you give them a chance to go into that... Meaning at least you give them a chance to open the line of communication with you... But if you do not confront her and ask what she really wan, in my humble opinion, they won't come and straight away tell you that they had made a mistake and all... They don't wanna put themselves out there to be rejected by you (cause it hurts and they got their pride too) unless they see a little sign that you still like them... That's what I think...
betterdeal Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 The first change has to be being able to talk to each other. If you can achieve that, you have many new pathways open to you both.
eleanorhurting Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 after going NC and having him seem so eager for what I thought was a change of heart, I asked him dead on and he still said he likes me he likes being with me (he likes sleeping with me) but that he just cannot be in a relationship with me. But that he doesnt know if things are going to change... needless to say, I went back to NC. but it hurts and its so hard and I wish i woudlnt have given in. I asked him why it was that everytime I cut him out of my life he comes up with ways for me not to and he said that he "doesnt do it on purpose". sigh...
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