LSgirl Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Short background: Me (26) and bf (27) have been together for 9 months but we got together shortly after his 8 year relationship (fiancee) cheated on him. He's come a long way since we first met. All in all, he's a loyal, trustworthy, honest gentleman. Ive never had a guy that's treated me so well when we're together, except.... A few times in our relationship (always when we've been drinking) I've brought up of "love". Last night, I asked him if he loved me and he said that he can't give me that and it kills him to see me unhappy when I asked him. He said I'm the best thing in his life right now and that I'm amazing and have helped him grow but that he has a wall up and said he will never let a girl hurt him like that again. He said I even told him love is patient and always growing and that he's not saying "never". I know he truly cares about me but he's guarding his heart and it saddens me. He's somebody that doesn't usually open up like that and he's an honest, straightforward kind of guy. Neither of us are trying to break up, we want to be together, but I told him I don't feel like I have security not knowing what will become of us. If I hadn't asked him, nobody would have known he doesn't love me, he shows me so much and helps me to be a better person everyday, but when I asked him, he said "you're not going to like the answer I give you". It makes me so sad, and I'm giving myself some more time and have hope we will get to that deeper level. I know most of you will say he's still broken and to run, but that's not something I'm considering at this time. I'm just hurt, and I'm still giving this relationship everything or else I wouldn't bother. He said he wouldn't be with me if our relationship didn't mean anything to him. I thought about emotionally trying to detach myself, but I can't do that if I want this relationship to work. Any advice?
Pasttense Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Remember, actions speak louder than words. And if you look at his actions, there's no problem.
Author LSgirl Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 I think about that all the time, but it's hard for me to enjoy the moment when I don't know how long it will last, especially when it's obvious he's saying he doesn't love me like that, at least not yet.
Eddie Edirol Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 You got him right after he was devastated by his fiancee. he was gonna be MARRIED! There is no way in hell he could possibly give you as much of his heart that he gave her. He just told you that he isnt giving you any of his heart. So unless youre in this relationship only for the challenge of trying to win his heart, knowing youre not going to get it, you really need to bail. Just because a guy treats you well doesnt mean you should stay in it with him. This isnt healthy for you, and you are only going to get more attached and be completely hurt in another year when he tells you again that he has no intention of falling for you. You are a rebound, and your purpose was for him to get over his ex, nothing more. Worse than that, it didnt work, he still probably thinks about his ex. You are a stepping stone to the next woman who he might give his heart to. As long as you are around, that wall isnt coming down, because he doesnt have to work for your heart. So this relationship will never work in your favor. Its just bad timing for you both.
cdm369 Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Been in your BF position. I was the same way. Its most likely he does love you he just isn't ready to hear himself say it. His actions say to me that he loves you. It would be ideal to have the actions and the wordss but if I had to choose I would rather have the actions. Hopefully if you hang in there the words will come to. They did for me.
Author LSgirl Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 thank you guys for your honest replies. he also said we haven't gone through enough in our relationship to feel that way. I read the post by Eddie and it made me start crying (and I'm at work in the office!) but it's what I need to hear. CDM, thank you for that, maybe I'm blindy optimistic, but I'm hopeful and sad at the same time. I hope someday, too, he will say those words.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 You have so fully and fairly assessed your guy and your shared relationship. Your instincts are right on target, and anybody can see he has every right to be wounded so fairly soon after such a hurtful end to his last relationship. I would suggest, also, that you KNEW where his emotional wounds were not long after you first started dating him, and that he certainly hasn't been deceptive. It would help if so much in your own heart wasn't riding on your gaining definition in the way of hearing the "L" word. IF you needed to share the "L" word authentically for you to get on his health insurance, or on his car insurance, or some (other) crazy, made-up-by-me present need, THEN your urgency would be understandable. Until then, you have *known* all along where he was, and he proooooooooobably is where he should be (emotionally). You are allowed to re-define whether you can deal with where he's at right now, but don't pin it on him that he isn't where YOU want him to be. He is in a very natural, normal 'place' with regard to his emotions, and is even progressing reasonably. So your two options are (a ) leave or (b ) shaddup about it
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