Post separation - when the other parent starts drinking too much

[Josephina]

Hi all,

 

Quick recap: separated, but still living in the same house, 2 kids, pending divorce, and we will likely be having separate places to live within a few months.

 

So, towards the end of our relationship, he started drinking too much for my liking. I was raised by a single parent who was an alcoholic (my dad) and I am sensitive as to what my kids are exposed to when it comes to drinking. Over the last year or so he started taking them for sleepovers to a friends house (another couple who also have kids) where they all proceed to get ****faced, and usually shove the kids in the basement to do as they please. Although there have been times that I have also gone over (we have been friends with this family for 7 or so years - I have always been the one to not really drink as much), I have always had a problem with what the kids are seeing and hearing while over there...the female friend is *really* vulgar when drunk.

 

My STBX has taken my kids there on multiple occasions while I begged & pleaded with him to let the kids stay home. The kids do want to go, as they have fun with the other kids, and can eat junk, and do as they please without supervision. The other family has a 14 yr old who is starting to experiment with drinking, and I have caught my STBX letting my 12 yr old sip alcohol with him encouraging her...while I'd rather teach them that alcohol has its time & place, and it isn't for every single weekend.

 

So last night he went again, but thankfully this time he didn't take the kids. When he does take the kids, I sit at home & cry & text him to please let me come and get them, and please don't drive drunk with them. He doesn't usually drive drunk with them, but again, his standards of what is appropriate and mine are different. He thinks it is ok to drive with them in the car after say 5 drinks, where as I think that is too high. This house is only 20 or 25 blocks from us, so I could easily go and get them (for now - my new place will be farther away).

 

I am really worried about the kinds of things my kid will be exposed to once we are officially divorced. I think I even stayed a part of this marriage just to have more control over stuff like this. My youngest is 6, and has started expressing strange behaviours at daycare of a sexual nature. I know that it may be because of the separation/divorce, but I wonder where it is coming from. This family that my STBX drinks with, they have an older son who inappropriately touched my youngest a few years ago (when my youngest was 2 and this boy was 8), so whenever we would be around them *I* would be the one to make sure the kids stay appropriate and that she is protected.

 

How do other parents handle stuff like this? I know my situation is unique, but there have to be other parents who disagree with the way that the X parents. Are there things that I can legally put in our legal agreements when we get them made up? I've asked him to go to counseling with me, just so we can address this. I've told him that I want to have it in writing the kinds of decisions that each parent can unilaterally make. I just don't want my kids to think that getting ****faced drunk is "fun" and that doing other normal things are not.

 

Our loosely made custody agreement (not yet in writing) is that I will have the kids from Sun night to Fri afternoon, and that he will have them on weekends. I have catered my work schedule and career so that I could always take them to school, and then pick them up from after school care, etc, while his career makes it impossible for him to be there for them. This means that my kids will always be around his "drinking escapades" as I'm sure he won't stop/slow his drinking.

 

One important thing to note: although my STBX has some poor decision making skills, many of which I have outlined above, he is still a very good parent. He is involved with the girls hockey, and mostly makes very good parenting decisions. He just doesn't see the above as a big deal, where as I do, and he thinks I overreact. I don't feel the need to separate my girls from their dad - I just want some skills and advice on how to limit them seeing this bad part of him.

[Steen719]

Josephina,

Are you sure that your 6 year old's behavior of a sexual nature is related to the divorce? I do know that some literature suggests that is possible, but the same literature also suggests making certain the behavior is related to the stress of divorce; it can also indicate something else. An 8 year old touching a 2 year old does not sound like "normal" touching to me. An 8 year old touching an 8 year old might. I think I would find a good child psychologist in your area and try to determine what is going on. Your husband, while not acting responsibly by continually drinking in front of the kids, most likely would not know what was going on in the basement while the adults are upstairs getting drunk.

 

The entire thing sounds awful to me and really not a good environment for the children. I would be proactive in this situation. Do you have a lawyer? If you do, I would ask about this situation with the drinking. Also, take both children to the psychologist. If nothing has happened, it can't hurt anyway. If something has happened (and I pray it has not), then I think you might have ample ammunition to curtail that visiting behavior.

 

BTW, my sympathies on having to stay in the same house. Me too, and it is incredibly difficult. My best to you and I hope you can resolve this.

[Josephina]

Thanks Steen, yes, the girls are starting counselling. It is provided for free through his benefits, and he has agreed to let me take them. Also, I have enrolled me and them in a family support program to help us negotiate separation and divorce.

 

The boy who touched her was placed in counseling shortly after he touched her, that I know for sure. But the lack of supervision during the drinking...ugh!

 

I don't have a lawyer, as of yet. I think that as soon as either one of us has a lawyer that our ability to communicate is going to go downhill.