letter to my ex boyfriend

[lillypolo]

Hi all,

 

I have written my ex of 15 months a letter telling him about the last year of my life, looking back on our relationship and telling him I still love him and if he feels anything for me, I'd like to be friends / see where things go rather than the awkwardness we've had around one another for so long.

After a year of low contact (even though we see one another everyday) would this be wierd? I asked him if we could talk a year ago and he refused, but told another friend he did want to tlak to me but just couldn't bring himself to. We were together over a year.

Help? good idea or not?

x

[lillypolo]

I genuinely think that a simple conversation, without saying anything about the relationship you had, about love or smth like that. That letter is like a request for continuation, but on the other hand going for a coffe and just chatting and feeling good is a request for a new begining and I sincerly think that you want a new begining not a continuation.

 

yes in an ideal world where everyone was open to talking it would be amazing

however he is not therefore this is the only way to really get through to him.

[fucpcg]

My ex split with me and got very nasty, and told me I didn't deserve for her to ever talk to me again. I accept blame for what led to the breakup, but can tell u she behaved much worse to me on numeruos occasions, and I always allowed her to talk things out with me and gave us chance to move on, better and stronger. Her denial of communication led me to writing her a 19 page letter in response. Yea that's big, but our relationship invol ed her kids, us having kids, marriage, etc, it was deep. Not only did she keep her vow of silence after receiving, she used it as a story to my friends about how mental I must be to write her such a big letter. So basically she stabbed me with my own letter. HOWEVER, it was what my heart told me to do, there was much worth fighting for, and I have since been able to move on knowing I did all I could to salvage what was once an amazing relationship. I got an outcome even worse than I could have imagined by her slandering me with it, yet I don't regret it. I never regret wearing my heart on my sleeves.

[Miss S H]

If someone you cared for and was normally there for you, just cut you off and wouldn't see you to talk things through, whether they couldn'nt bring themselves, were worried they might change their mind.. whatever the reason... If you don't get a chance to communicate face to face, you will go crazy not saying something in some form.

 

I got dumped 1.5 month ago, I wrote an email to my ex, pouring my heart out.. it was fair and sincere and I did not once critisise him for anything during the relationship, just said I felt like we would both regret this and I missed him and cared for him and was hoping for another chance.

 

He wrote back saying he wasn't going to change his mind - in a text! I was devastated, but in the absence of him seeing me face to face I don't regret expressing myself and wearing my heart on my sleeve.

 

I still miss him and want him back as I really do care for him and I believe part of him got scared by how close we were becoming... So I still hope daily he comes back, we have messaged and he says he will see me sometime.. I hope I can write to you all with good news soon xx

[lillypolo]

My ex split with me and got very nasty, and told me I didn't deserve for her to ever talk to me again. I accept blame for what led to the breakup, but can tell u she behaved much worse to me on numeruos occasions, and I always allowed her to talk things out with me and gave us chance to move on, better and stronger. Her denial of communication led me to writing her a 19 page letter in response. Yea that's big, but our relationship invol ed her kids, us having kids, marriage, etc, it was deep. Not only did she keep her vow of silence after receiving, she used it as a story to my friends about how mental I must be to write her such a big letter. So basically she stabbed me with my own letter. HOWEVER, it was what my heart told me to do, there was much worth fighting for, and I have since been able to move on knowing I did all I could to salvage what was once an amazing relationship. I got an outcome even worse than I could have imagined by her slandering me with it, yet I don't regret it. I never regret wearing my heart on my sleeves.

 

thank you for that. no I never shy away from wearing my heart on my sleeve either- he is the only person I make myself totally vulnerable to though. What I wrote was sincere and straight from the heart. He received it (apparently according to the friend I sent it to to post at his house) a week ago, and he has not given me any response at all. Though we are very far away atm, but in a month I will be back in the same small uni so we'll probably have to have some contact then. But overall i think the letter was more for me - as it confirms by his ignoring me that the man I fell in love with no longer exists, and its time for me to let go. as hard as that is

[fucpcg]

EXACTLY. You did it for both, but if no reaction you at least did it for you. My 19 page letter I knocked out in a couple days, reedited for 6 weeks, then sent. Truth is probably a 50 page letter in all if you look at all the edits over that period. When my ex blasted me for how terrible a boyfriend I was, the email she sent was about 80% crap, but 20% VERY valid complaints. My first 14 pages handled the 80% like a diplomat, neither calling BS nor accepting blame for something undeserving, and the 20% I owned up to completely, apolgozed, and told her how I wish I would have done a much better job in those areas. My next 5 pages basically explained some difficult personal issues I was having at the time that I tried to keep to myself, which exascerbated the problem, but also tried to say hey I believe I have a heart of gold please understand I wasn't trying to hurt you. I pointed out how when she slipped up terribly in the beginning (and boy did she) I stood behind her 100% because I felt she had heart of gold, and only did certain things because of bad past experiences, and I wouldn't let her bad past destroy our promising future.

 

This letter is what she deserved. I feel that evn though I already believe myself to be a good man, this letter helped me become a better person. Her (lack of) response showed me that she is not willing to be accepting of someone elses mistakes and issues, even though she had no problem expecting someone to look past hers. Either that, or I was just that much worse to her than she ever was to me, and I don't recognize it. Barring that last sentence... I gave this girl everything she deserved in an apology, a chance to see that she once was in same position with me as I am now with her and asked for consideration, and an opportunity to salvage an amazing relationship with a man she professed endlessly to love. If she really did love me as once proclaimed, I wouldn't be in here right now.

 

No matter what the outcome, the letter was a great thing that I chose to do.

[davesterr]

i say go with the heart. sometimes you cant get everything in life that you want if it involves another person but atleast you will know that you did everything you could to make it work.

knowing that will either bring you a better closure or it will bring you two together.

[immitable]

I must disagree with all of you.

I think writing a letter to the ex, especially in the early stages of a breakup is wrong.

You are sending this to a person who convinced herself/himself that you are bad, that living with you is hell and that the grass is greener on the other side. I can' see point in sending it to them.

They are loathing. It has noeffect whatsoever. Only after time passes and they come to realise, I would maybe write it and save it for a possible chance to read it to them if the possibility arises and the other person wants to get back together or just be friends and oyu agree to that, only than...

 

just my 2 cents

 

ps

 

those of you who sent it already, it is really not a big deal if you did but your ex will be able to understand this letter once she/he starts to iss you and realises can't have you anymore.

[davesterr]

I agree with immitable however it is important to know whether your ex still have some feelings left for you.

If your ex is 100% over you at this point sending the letter will have no effect as immitable said.

 

However if for some other reason you guys broke up and your ex still loves you but isn't sure yet then sending the letter might win that person over.

 

It's true that the effect of the letter will have a better chance at meaning something after a while once the other person starts missing you however the last thing you want is your ex to start dating someone else.

What if your ex finds someone new and becomes happy?

Then you would have to wait untill your ex breaks up with whoever they are dating and then you can send it.

If you are lucky your ex will realize how great you were compared to their last date.

However the problem with this is that maybe they wont.

Even if they did which would be great , then you still have to live with the fact that your ex was with someone else after you before you get with that person again.

 

Maybe if your ex does not date for a long period and somehow starts to miss you and you send the letter , it might have more effect then sending it now.

But your ex might also be completely moved on with no feelings left whatsoever and being perfectly adepted to living without you.

 

In the end its really a gamble.

Theres no right or wrong.

Are you gonna go for the quick win and send it now?

Or are you gonna let fate play its course and wait for the right timing?

 

These are both the pro and cons from each of the methods described above.

 

The positives for the quick win/sending it now: you can send it now while she is single.

And if the person still has feelings for you it might win your ex back instantly.

The negatives are: If your ex has no feelings for you and is genuinely over you then you might aswel not send it because it will have zero effect.

 

The positives for waiting at the right timing are: your ex might start to miss you and when they read the letter then at the right timing it might win them back.

The negatives are: your ex might lose whatever feelings they have left for you by adepting a life style living without you.

And in the while that you are waiting your ex can find a new love who might be really serious and might date for years? I can't even imagen what to do then.

And even if its not serious and you might get back together after you wait til they break up and send your letter then , if it works.

Then you will still have to live with the fact that someone else was loving your ex while you were waiting being torn from the break up.

 

Whichever one you pick is all up to you.

I would say: Go with your instincts.

Edited October 21, 2011 by davesterr

[immitable]

It's true that the effect of the letter will have a better chance at meaning something after a while once the other person starts missing you however the last thing you want is your ex to start dating someone else.

 

I would say: Go with your instincts.

 

I am glad you agree at least partially with me, but I only agree with you on the "trust your instincts" part. I totally disagree with the above I'm afraid.

 

See, you have to put yourself in their shoes, you are evil to them, it is about them now, they convinced themselves that they made too many amends towards you, and if you in any way "at least try" to prevent them to date or do whatever with someone else be sure that they are going to do it out of spite. Bad thing to do if you want them back or on speaking terms. You have to disappear from their life, be gone, how are they going to let the dust settle and miss you.

[davesterr]

I think it really depends on the type of break up.

If its a bad one where you get dumped and get told to stay out of that persons life then yeah ur 100% guaranteed right and should not send the letter.

 

But if the person is insecure or just doesn't know what to do.

Maybe the ex loves you but yet felt like he/she wasn't good enough or didn't get enough attention.

Whatever it may be , lets say ex isn't over you and is still deciding whether breaking up with you was a good thing to do.

When you send that letter stating all the most amazing things , the best compliments , how much you love that person and how much you want to be with him/her and do all the great things and love them with more than anything.

Then maybe just maybe you might sweep ur ex back off their feet.

 

But then again it really only depends on the situation, how long you dated , what the reason for the break up was and how the break up and the situation after it is.

Feel free to disagree but i feel like sometimes you gotta take fate in your own hands and just give it your all if you feel there is still hope.

Like i said earlier if you know the ex is over you or you broke up on bad terms or the ex just flat out doesnt want to see you then yeah definitely wait.

Edited October 21, 2011 by davesterr

[immitable]

No, breakup is breakup, trust me they thought about it long before they dumped you.

 

They took a long good look at you and said "Nah, I'll try my luck elsewhere".

 

They see it this way "words are cheap", what they really need is time without you.

They dumped you so the ball is in their court anyways.

[davesterr]

Words are cheap but if you can back it up and have proved to do so in the past then it may add up more meaning.

Then again if you weren't good enough back then then you prolly still aren't still.

I guess you're probably right.

Maybe telling a girl you love her only has affect when she loves you back.

If what you say about a break up is a clear break up then i will take back what i said and simply agree with you.

Yet i somehow refuse to believe that after you recently got dumped it is impossible to get right back together.

Im not saying a letter is the way to go but im sure there is one way.

Whatever it is? I have no idea but the tiniest bit of hope inside of me tells me its possible.

Then again im most likely wrong and you are right.

Either way you made some real good points and thank you for your opinion.

[lillypolo]

I agree with immitable however it is important to know whether your ex still have some feelings left for you.

If your ex is 100% over you at this point sending the letter will have no effect as immitable said.

 

However if for some other reason you guys broke up and your ex still loves you but isn't sure yet then sending the letter might win that person over.

 

It's true that the effect of the letter will have a better chance at meaning something after a while once the other person starts missing you however the last thing you want is your ex to start dating someone else.

What if your ex finds someone new and becomes happy?

Then you would have to wait untill your ex breaks up with whoever they are dating and then you can send it.

If you are lucky your ex will realize how great you were compared to their last date.

However the problem with this is that maybe they wont.

Even if they did which would be great , then you still have to live with the fact that your ex was with someone else after you before you get with that person again.

 

Maybe if your ex does not date for a long period and somehow starts to miss you and you send the letter , it might have more effect then sending it now.

But your ex might also be completely moved on with no feelings left whatsoever and being perfectly adepted to living without you.

 

In the end its really a gamble.

Theres no right or wrong.

Are you gonna go for the quick win and send it now?

Or are you gonna let fate play its course and wait for the right timing?

 

These are both the pro and cons from each of the methods described above.

 

The positives for the quick win/sending it now: you can send it now while she is single.

And if the person still has feelings for you it might win your ex back instantly.

The negatives are: If your ex has no feelings for you and is genuinely over you then you might aswel not send it because it will have zero effect.

 

The positives for waiting at the right timing are: your ex might start to miss you and when they read the letter then at the right timing it might win them back.

The negatives are: your ex might lose whatever feelings they have left for you by adepting a life style living without you.

And in the while that you are waiting your ex can find a new love who might be really serious and might date for years? I can't even imagen what to do then.

And even if its not serious and you might get back together after you wait til they break up and send your letter then , if it works.

Then you will still have to live with the fact that someone else was loving your ex while you were waiting being torn from the break up.

 

Whichever one you pick is all up to you.

I would say: Go with your instincts.

 

wow -thank you all so much for all your replys! If anyone else wants to say anything go ahead, this is really interesting!

to answer some questions - we broke up over a year ago, BUT are in the same uni and have to see one another every single day, also sort of share a friendship group! (we're in our twenties)

 

reasons he broke up with me: uni changed him and he started idolizing his new friends/ acting like them and i didn't fit into the group that well (they were loud and liked drinking where as i'm quiet and reserved - like he used to be- and allergic to alcohol) - as a result he ignored me in favour of them a lot and i got nervous about it all and didnt know what to talk to him about any more... i backed off hoping he'd come back to me - i was scared i was smothering him and i wanted him to have his own time with friend away from me. Apparently he took offence at this and thought i was purposely blanking him. yeah... bad communication... he told me i say things that make him cringe (?!) that he dreads asking me to places (cos i didnt fit in with new friends), didnt get excited to see me anymore, and didnt feel in love with me anymore- but still had days where he was totally happy with us- but the fact there were bad days he wasn't willing to try and carry on. i asked him how i could have been a better gf and he said i should get rid of one of my fleeces i wear in winter because it made me look fat and awful...apparently he thought that was appropriate to say... needless to say it broke my heart. he still wanted to be friends and said we could talk about anything...

 

he was cold with me after that- made a little effort initally after we came back from summer hols... but then stopped completely and just ignored me, but watched me constantly... tried to get with girls in front of me (and failed), i got a new bf and he went really cold, wouldnt talk to either of us for a long while. then he started talking to the bf but was still arsey with me (kills any conversation i try and start etc..) pretends i dont exist most the time really. during thta year i contacted him twice immediately after the break up to say i was ok with it and was happy to be friends and then later on to say i was sorry for my part in it all, but i would like to build our friendship back up again. a few months after i asked to talk about things. he refused. at xmas he blocked me on fb and i told him that was unnecessary- as i wasn't planning to talk to him via that route, but i still wanted to be friends. he immediately unblocked me.

my new bf and i broke up.

i did notice though at a get together the ex in question seemed to be trying to belittle my most recent ex (whom i am still very good friends with), trying to prove him wrong all the time... it was odd to watch!

 

but then he invited me to his house for a birthday party- a very small group- we ignored one another like usual, until it was gift giving, every had given him generic presents but mine was very personal. he grinned like mad, seemed to love it, thanked me a lot. then spent the rest of the evening sitting near me out of choice, not talking directly to me but sitting very very close and listening to my conversational input. we got drunk later on and some of my comments even raised a smile out of him, though we didnt talk directly. at the end of the get together my most recent ex and i were the only ones left and we helped him clear away, we talked about party things and he was nice and polite, even smiled a little, he seemed to enjoy it when i was pretending to be bossy/ sarcastic towards my most recent ex and joined in a little. but seemed to get sad when we were leaving - it sort of looked like we were leaving together even though we were going to seperate houses! he slammed the door in our faces when we got out and turned to say good bye and thanks for a good evening.

the next day i was leaving for 2 months (i;m currently very far away from them all...) i had to go back to his house and pick up a bag i forgot, my most recent ex insisted on coming too... we helped tidy up a little, and then went to say good bye, it was very awkward- and when i hugged him he froze up, cleared his throat and stammered good bye, then backed into his house and slammed the door shut, locking it.... i think i scare himm....

 

so yes, i hadnt badgered him about the break up all year... he seemed to be avoiding me all the time anyway, even though i know hes always aware of where i am in the room, we often glance at one another and he turns away. he jsut wont let me in... we can talk buisness if needs be but he just wont talk to me on a personal level- even "how are you?" scares him. so i sent the letter, telling him how i felt throughout the relationship and how much he meant to me... that i miss him and wish we could still talk.

 

any thoughts now u know the full story? ps if anyone wants to see the letetr i'll send it to you on here so you can see the full history etc x