RickFox Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 How many of y'all have written letters to your OW/OM? If you have, did you just write it out and tear it up or did you actually end up sending it to them or giving it to them? And when you did, after they read it what was the impact if any?
imperfectangel Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 I have sent what now seem like rambling texts not a letter I couldn't write to him or his wife would find it There hasn't been any response to anything I've said he's completely ignored me which hurts more that he can't even apologise for what he did to me
Heart On Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 I have sent what now seem like rambling texts not a letter I couldn't write to him or his wife would find it There hasn't been any response to anything I've said he's completely ignored me which hurts more that he can't even apologise for what he did to me Sounds all too familiar.It was like, Do I even exist to you? Do my feelings even matter? Do you possess a conscience? Was it all just a lie to get sex and an ego boost? How do you live with yourself? The list of questions went on and on and none of them were answered beyond, I don't owe you anything,I only "thought" I loved you. The letters I did sneak thru to him,were either laughed at or thrown out I am sure.It did help me to wake up and realize just how characterless he was and that made it easier to stay away! I have an entire box filled 100's of them, with pain and humiliation and outrage as the theme written in vain as he could have cared less once he was done with me and back peddling back into his allegedly unhappy marriage. Lead on to nowhere and unceremoniously dumped without an explaination left me to conclude,he was a Narcissistic Prick without a heart. Good riddance.
SoMovinOn Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 My GF and I exchange emails daily. There are a lot of little emails that go back and forth, but each day there is one significant email in which we discuss whatever is on our mind. More for nostalgia than anything else, we also do handwritten letters to each other on a regular, but less frequent basis (maybe once or twice per month). We used to write to each other all the time when we were together the first time. She saved every single letter I ever wrote her 30 years ago. She gave them to me last year and I scanned them, converted them to PDF files and gave them to her on a CD. We also buy each other cards now and then, and write notes inside the cards.
Author RickFox Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 I see the term narcissist used here...alot....can someone describe to me exactly what that entails and why it seems to go hand in hand with affairs?
FirstNobleTruth Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Tear them up, tear them up, tear them up! The ONLY reason to write a 'letter' your exMW right now is for your own therapeutic purposes, to clear your head. If you have a REALLY safe place to keep it, you might hang on to it so you can look back in 9 months or 2 years and see how confused you were, and how far you've come. But don't take a chance on your wife finding things like this around. Too easily misinterpreted. You need to TALK to her about your confusion. Why aren't you thinking about writing to your wife instead? How much she means to you, how precious your marriage is, how remorseful you are, what a beautiful, attractive person she is. That's where you future is. That's where your work is.
spice4life Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 I see the term narcissist used here...alot....can someone describe to me exactly what that entails and why it seems to go hand in hand with affairs? A narcissist, in basic terms, is someone who is self centered, feels entitled to have what they want and thrives on admiration. My guess on how it applies to affairs is that the MM/MW feel entitled to have someone on the side because it is what they want. Another example would be how they disappear after they get what they want and return when they have a need for a boost again. They don't really consider the other person's needs and are only concerned wth their own...no matter how many times the person tries to express how they feel. I dunno, my thought is that the dynamics of an A mimic the traits of being involved with a narcissist. They may not be one, but for whatever reason, they choose an A over dealing with issues in a healthy way. That makes it appear as if they feel entitled to do what they want without concern for the damage it causes.
alexandria35 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I see the term narcissist used here...alot....can someone describe to me exactly what that entails and why it seems to go hand in hand with affairs? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t300221/ this thread I believe does a pretty good job of illustrating the narcissistic thinking of some cheaters
East7 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 (edited) How many of y'all have written letters to your OW/OM? If you have, did you just write it out and tear it up or did you actually end up sending it to them or giving it to them? And when you did, after they read it what was the impact if any? When the A ended, I have tempted so many times to write a long letter to xMW. I used to crave talking with her and share my feelings. I wrote them then I threw them. Never sent any of them. It was good to put the feelings on a paper. Then I thought she knows 99% of what I'm writing, does it matter to tell her anything? It is over. NC is so cold, plain, empty but nothing better has been discovered to move on and heal. I see so much people left with so many questions and wonders, but does it really matter ? The answers don't make the closure better, sometime they make it worse, sometimes you get answers that will hurt you because it was a lie and you WANTED so much to believe in it. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings and they are beautiful for what you make them. Your love is your love. Imagine you are painting a picture, you are proud of it and you love it. You see the sun shinning in your picture but MW sees some clouds in it. Does it really matter at the end ? Is your picture less worthy just because your MW sees some clouds and gray in it ? Edited October 10, 2011 by East7 1
Author RickFox Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 I let a buddy read what I had written and while he said it was powerful he advised against ever letting her read it as it would not elicit the response I was hoping for and would make me seem weaker and more pitiful so I will say nothing, leave my thoughts to myself and let her live her life as she has chosen.... time to move on with mine.
Heart On Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I let a buddy read what I had written and while he said it was powerful he advised against ever letting her read it as it would not elicit the response I was hoping for and would make me seem weaker and more pitiful so I will say nothing, leave my thoughts to myself and let her live her life as she has chosen.... time to move on with mine. She wouldn't care anyways,so why bother give her any more power over your feelings? Some of these people GET OFF seeing others in pain over them.It's just another ego boost.Don't give it to her.
eleanor01 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Rick-- Narcissistic Personality Disorder, according to the National Institutes of Health (nih): http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001930/ Narcissistic personality disorder Last reviewed: November 14, 2010. Narcissistic personality disorder is a condition in which people have an inflated sense of self-importance and an extreme preoccupation with themselves. Causes, incidence, and risk factors The causes of this disorder are unknown. An overly sensitive personality and parenting problems may affect the development of this disorder. Symptoms A person with narcissistic personality disorder may: React to criticism with rage, shame, or humiliationTake advantage of other people to achieve his or her own goalsHave excessive feelings of self-importanceExaggerate achievements and talentsBe preoccupied with fantasies of success, power, beauty, intelligence, or ideal loveHave unreasonable expectations of favorable treatmentNeed constant attention and admirationDisregard the feelings of others, and have little ability to feel empathyHave obsessive self-interestPursue mainly selfish goals ____________________________ This personality disorder might be in play sometimes: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/ Borderline personality disorder Personality disorder - borderline Last reviewed: November 15, 2010. Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. Borderline personality disorder is a condition in which people have long-term patterns of unstable or turbulent emotions, such as feelings about themselves and others. These inner experiences often cause them to take impulsive actions and have chaotic relationships. Causes, incidence, and risk factors The causes of borderline personality disorder (BPD) are unknown. Genetic, family, and social factors are thought to play roles. Risk factors for BPD include: Abandonment in childhood or adolescenceDisrupted family lifePoor communication in the familySexual abuseThis personality disorder tends to occur more often in women and among hospitalized psychiatric patients. Symptoms People with BPD are often uncertain about their identity. As a result, their interests and values may change rapidly. People with BPD also tend to see things in terms of extremes, such as either all good or all bad. Their views of other people may change quickly. A person who is looked up to one day may be looked down on the next day. These suddenly shifting feelings often lead to intense and unstable relationships. Other symptoms of BPD include: Fear of being abandonedFeelings of emptiness and boredomFrequent displays of inappropriate angerImpulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shopliftingIntolerance of being aloneRepeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing _______________________ Anyway, according to something I read when I was first researching the dynamics of affairs (before I came to LS), these two personality disorders can be particularly prevalent in affairs. Interesting stuff, eh? Ellie
Spark1111 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 Let's add bi-polar disorder, formerly referred to as manic-depressive. People with this disorder can cycle as frequently as every day (need hospitalization) or every few months, or every few years. Between the depressive stage and the manic stage, they have stasis....regulated emotions. During the manic stage, delusions of grandeur, compulsive risk-taking and hypersexuality are pronounced. Untreated bi-polars average 12-14 sexual partners outside of the marriage. High rate of divorce. Untreated ADHD in childhood and adolescence is often the precursor for bi-polar in adulthood. Rick.....what would you want to say in your letter and why? Are you still looking for validation, answers, closure? Only YOU can give that to yourself.
Author RickFox Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 Let's add bi-polar disorder, formerly referred to as manic-depressive. People with this disorder can cycle as frequently as every day (need hospitalization) or every few months, or every few years. Between the depressive stage and the manic stage, they have stasis....regulated emotions. During the manic stage, delusions of grandeur, compulsive risk-taking and hypersexuality are pronounced. Untreated bi-polars average 12-14 sexual partners outside of the marriage. High rate of divorce. Untreated ADHD in childhood and adolescence is often the precursor for bi-polar in adulthood. Rick.....what would you want to say in your letter and why? Are you still looking for validation, answers, closure? Only YOU can give that to yourself. Ive already said it, typed it out a couple days ago. Im not looking for anything anymore, I said my piece in my letter to her. I need no validation, no answers, and the closure, I will never get that other than that there is no more 'us', so that is the closure. I expressed how I felt before during and after, and how I feel now. It's all kept to myself and it felt good to get it out. She won't ever see it or know it.
missy268 Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I have an envelope with my guys name on it, and the letters i write go in there! Im coming to the conclusion he doesnt deserve me writing in these letters how much i still think about him - I've also written one to his girlfriend. These letters will never be sent, they are for my eyes only xx
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