lynchee Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Hello there LS I am a male who has been dating someone I work with for just more than one year. There was no instant attraction, she made it clear from the start that she wanted a relationship and I went along with it. I really like her now though - I think! I'm not sure if I am just used to being with her. She has involved me in her life by making me a part of her friendship circle outside work however she doesn't talk much to my friends when we meet. She doesn't like me spending too much time with them preferring me to hang out with either her alone or her and her friends. (I have made an effort to get on with her friends though we're not that suited - we like different things). Sex is good, not great, just good. She is not my type physically at all but she gives me attention and is kind to me. She has morals and values I respect and admire but it's just not enough for me any more. A close friend of mine has said that I could do better. I took it offensively at first but I too, deep down, feel the same. I broke up with my ex 18 months ago. I can't stop comapring this relationship to my last. My ex was funny and got on well with my friends. I found her incredibly sexually attractive but we stopped having sex after she had a miscarriage (she didn't know she was pregnant). We argued a lot and I broke it off as I felt she wasn't ever really 'on my side'. But we had a connection, we got each other so well. Now I don't want to get back with ex as we have both moved on but I do feel that my current relationship is just not 'up to scratch'. My question is this - does my current relationship sound to you as if I am settling for second best (first best still being somewhere out there) or are most people in realationships with people who they are not 100% in to. I would rather stick at it that have to try and find someone more suited to me. How many are in this situation or have been?
ja123 Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 This is not the relationship for you. You are using her essentially because you were on the rebound and now it's become convenient. You should let her go and be by yourself for a while. However, the fact that you work with her will make matters more complicated. Get things really clear in your head and let her down easily.
ja123 Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Another thought ... Regarding your ex, you say she wasn't "on your side", were you ever really 100 % on hers? It's a big deal for a woman to have a miscarrage, you know.
Author lynchee Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 By not being on my side I meant I never really felt that she put enough effort into us - way before the misscarriage. We were together 7 years almost and I was the one who would always make the effort, she hated public displays of affection and used to give me the brush off. My current relationship isn't a rebound. I was the one who instigated the break up between me and my ex. Long before the miscarriage I knew this girl at work was into me and I didn't tell her her flirting with me was inappropriate as the relationship with my ex was already over. I am too much of a coward when it comes to breaking up with a girl and I let my last relationship die a long death. Should've broken up with the ex two years earlier due to all the arguments etc. So I spent two years trying to make it work on my own whereas she was starting a new career, she joined a gym and went most days, and she bought a house, dog, etc and had less time for me.
Author lynchee Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Well i don;t feel like I'm being very nice! I guess I know she's not for me. Surely I would feel more 'in love' and excited about being with her as I did with my ex. I miss hanging out with my friends and it's a shame she doesn't like them. Despite me admitting to her that I'm not overly keen on her friends she still thinks I should hand out with them more as 'she's a girl' - nonsense!
laotzu Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 If you know she's not for you, you should get out. It's okay to "try and figure out" if someone is for you, but if you're certain, you're just wasting everyone's time. The year you've put in is sunk cost - get out in an honorable way.
Author lynchee Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Well I've just come to this realisation after having a few too many drinks so don't want to do anything rash in case I'm over reacting. Don't want to break up in case I am wrong. Sober up. wait till morning and see things through clearer eyes!!....
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