Having some difficulties with my exgirlfriend, she's being mean and stubborn.

[PropertyChaser]

To the mods (I accidentally posted this in the break up forum, and realized that it really more belongs in here).

 

Let me start this off by saying, my ex is a great person (weren't they all?) on paper she's smart, successful and very pretty. Between the two of us though, there's a fundamental disconnect that hurt our ability to be cordial to each other.

 

At this point, we're never going to be together, she's moved to a different city (which is why we broke up to start off with), but I would like to at least make things cordial, so that neither of us looks back on our relationship with any regret, as such, right now we're on another 'no talking' phase.

 

My problem is this: she doesn't treat me with respect.

 

The source of my frustration is that it seems that she don’t act like she respect me. As she once said “You’re the head and I’m the neck, the head faces where the neck turns”. She ignores my boundaries by bringing up stuff that I can’t talk to her about. Many things that have been said have been hurtful, insensitive, emotionally manipulative, or obvious that she's using me to relieve you of guilt, externalize blame or as a means to an end.

 

Twice, I've fallen 'victim' to the crying and tears game. Once, I flew down to see her, the other time, we ended up taking a trip together. Both trips resulted in marriage discussions, but ultimately fell short, where she'd tell me she didn't like me that way anymore, only to have her call me a few months later telling me how much she misses me. This 'game' has taken its toll on me.

 

For example, last time we talked, she told me that she wasn't over me, or that my hair looked stupid, and that she misses me. She also says she would love to see me, take trips with me and spend time with my family, not realizing that what she says not 'cool' moreover, it also wouldn't happen because I don't ever see her taking that first step and planning a trip. I don't see her going out of her own way to do anything.

 

This was confirmed a few weeks ago when I invited her to come visit me while I was living in Manhattan, and she said no. A few weeks later, I didn't pick up a call from her (she left no voicemail) and then a week later I see her taking a trip to Toronto to visit her other exboyfriend.

 

She said no to me, but yes to him, yet expects us to be 'great friends'? From a man's standpoint I can't honestly stand there and ignore that.

 

Most disappointing is that I know that she's smarter and more perceptive than this, just like I am smart enough to know that she didn’t misdial her phone in August. The reversal in situations has only made it easier to compare and contrast the differences between her and I.

 

 

The thing that bothers me the most is that she seems to be content with shoving her head in the sand, and content with externalizing her blame and guilt on me, at the expense of a great friendship and relationship. Sadly, I'm not sure how to get through to her anymore, and she seems to completely lack EQ or empathy.

 

To say that she is bipolar (one moment spending hours and hours in tears on the phone with me telling me she's not over me, the next listing reasons why she can't or won't come and visit, or saying something rather harsh.

 

 

My opinion is this: So far as I figure, being a decent enough person to have someone not wish you ill will is distinctly different from being a great and remarkable enough person to have someone want that other person in their life.

 

Anyways, the problem is that I have someone telling me over and over again that they want to be friends, but unwilling to listen when I try to express my concerns.

 

The girl was a dear front of mine, a great influence, a sweet girl, and I wish that there was some way to compromise and find a little bit of common ground. Even as friends, I shared some of the best experiences in the world with her and I really hate to see this go to waste. The problem, in my eyes, is that she talks a lot and never puts her money where her mouth is, and it's left me really disappointed.

 

I wish there was a way to make peace with her. I wish there was a way to tell her I want to be friends, but that certain things aren't okay with me. Suffice to say I feel that things have become more about what I offer, than me as an individual.

Edited October 8, 2011 by PropertyChaser