PropertyChaser Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Let me start this off by saying, my ex is a great person (weren't they all?) on paper she's smart, successful and very pretty. Between the two of us though, there's a fundamental disconnect that hurt our ability to be cordial to each other. At this point, we're never going to be together, she's moved to a different city (which is why we broke up to start off with), but I would like to at least make things cordial, so that neither of us looks back on our relationship with any regret, as such, right now we're on another 'no talking' phase. My problem is this: she doesn't treat me with respect. The source of my frustration is that it seems that she don’t act like she respect me. As she once said “You’re the head and I’m the neck, the head faces where the neck turns”. She ignores my boundaries by bringing up stuff that I can’t talk to her about. Many things that have been said have been hurtful, insensitive, emotionally manipulative, or obvious that she's using me to relieve you of guilt, externalize blame or as a means to an end. For example, last time we talked, she told me that she wasn't over me, or that my hair looked stupid, and that she misses me. She also says she would love to see me, take trips with me and spend time with my family, not realizing that what she says not 'cool' moreover, it also wouldn't happen because I don't ever see her taking. Most disappointing is that I know that she's smarter and more perceptive than this, just like I am smart enough to know that she didn’t misdial her phone in August. The reversal in situations has only made it easier to compare and contrast the differences between her and I. The thing that bothers me the most is that she seems to be content with shoving her head in the sand, and content with externalizing her blame and guilt on me, at the expense of a great friendship and relationship. Sadly, I'm not sure how to get through to her anymore, and she seems to completely lack EQ or empathy. To say that she is bipolar (one moment spending hours and hours in tears on the phone with me telling me she's not over me, the next listing reasons why she can't or won't come and visit, or saying something rather harsh. My opinion is this: So far as I figure, being a decent enough person to have someone not wish you ill will is distinctly different from being a great and remarkable enough person to have someone want that other person in their life. Anyways, the problem is that I have someone telling me over and over again that they want to be friends, but unwilling to listen when I try to express my concerns. The girl was a dear front of mine, a great influence, a sweet girl, and I wish that there was some way to compromise and find a little bit of common ground. Even as friends, I shared some of the best experiences in the world with her and I really hate to see this go to waste. The problem, in my eyes, is that she talks a lot and never puts her money where her mouth is, and it's left me really disappointed. I wish there was a way to make peace with her.
EgoJoe Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 So what is it like to experience solely dealing with her EGO and it's defense mechanisms as opposed to her SELF? It sucks, right? Don't stand for it and don't play the game. She's hiding from pain. We employ these to spare ourselves grief. So, you can call her on her BS and go NC or you can simply go NC. Up to you and your ego.
Author PropertyChaser Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 So what is it like to experience solely dealing with her EGO and it's defense mechanisms as opposed to her SELF? It sucks, right? Don't stand for it and don't play the game. She's hiding from pain. We employ these to spare ourselves grief. So, you can call her on her BS and go NC or you can simply go NC. Up to you and your ego. I've called her out on it before, I think I summed it up in this note I wrote in my journal. If you want to spend the rest of your life with your head in the sand, content with externalizing and projecting blame and responsibility on me for everything, fine, but it would be disingenuous and the cost is clear: it will come by throwing one of the strongest friendships that either you or I have ever enjoyed in your relatively short lifetimes under the bus, but moreover it will come at the expense of who helped put a roof over your head, who took care of you when you were down and out, has supported you through things when no rational or otherwise sane person ever should have. I’m not sure I could ever do that.
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