maria gostrey Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 here's my situation with a guy i met a month ago via an online dating site: so after 7 dates i wake up this morning with a text from the boy that asks if i have been well and to say that he can meet me this saturday and apologizing for not being able to be as available as he has previously been. he then says that he wants to be honest and that to him it seems that i am looking for a serious relationship and he cannot offer me one right now. ... ... ... so i mull over it for a couple of hours and text him asking when is a good time to call. he says at lunch time and i do. we talk for 2 hours when i ask him how he can go from 3 weeks and 7 dates of " you are the girl i have been looking for", "i am falling for you", " i am crazy about you and want to commit" "i am looking for a committed relationship", "i date with intent" "i treat my girlfriend like i would my wife", "i want to win your family over" to " it seems like you want a serious relationship and i cant offer that to you now what with my new job, friends and lack of money" he is literally silent and says he has a bad habit of saying things that women take too seriously.... and that he is just a guy and so has this biological urge to "date casually" and that he has been and is seeing multiple girls during these past few weeks. he says he just doesn't want to be exclusive and serious right now and is sorry i got hurt. i tell him i am disappointed and not exactly very hurt because i always knew his words were too pretty too soon. i don't want to be his girlfriend because he clearly has issues and i respect myself too much to put myself through that. he says he leaves it to me if he wants to be friends and i say that yes i like him very much and clearly adore him so i don't want to cut him out of my life just yet. he says he isn't willing to be done yet either and is thankful that i am patient and stuff. long story short it was a 2 hour convo and i cant even remember the stuff we said. im just shocked and numbed and feel so stupid for almost falling for a lying psychopath. day 2: so we talked twice for a long time on the phone yesterday. by the end i was just as confused as ever and have no idea what i want to do. you guys' insightful input would be oh so welcome! i again asked him about the irregularities between his words and actions pre- his week-long trip out of town and post- trip. pre-trip, starting from date 1 he kept saying he wants a serious "committed" relationship that would lead to marriage. seeing as how he was only 24 and talking marriage on the first date, i was pretty freaked out and confused. but he sounded earnest and said he has even finished grad school and is about to start his first real job soon and feels even though he is young, he has his **** together a lot better than his peers and feels he is ready to start this new phase in his life. he says he has been in relationships that have been unfulfilling and he needs to be in one where there is a "deeper connection". he kept insisting time and again, that he is looking for a "muslim marriage" with a "muslim woman" and strongly implied that is where i came in. saying things like "wow, you are just what i have been looking for". "i read rumi and he says 'what you seek is seeking you too' " and " you have healed a part of me that has long been broken". he even went so far as to ask me, what i was looking for in a marriage! i insisted- somewhat dazed and confused- that at 24, having just separated from my family, i am very excited about my new found independence and i just want to explore romantic relationships and have fun. did i want to be married sometime in the future and have kids? sure. but that would only occur later when/if i met the right person. he kept asking about how many kids i wanted, if i wanted to work once i had kids, if my family would be okay with us dating, and what would happen if i were to bring him home and announce we were to be married! again, i suspected his eagerness to settle down and that he was coming off to strongly too soon but in my naivete, i figured well...a guy with a potential ring isn't as bad as a potential player who will break my heart. i took his hasty comments and inquiries to mean he probably REALLY liked me and although i didn't feel the same way i figured....it cant be a bad thing can it? i said okay lets date for a while and see where this goes. nothing more, nothing less. now. 2 weeks of very casually dating where we met up for 2-3 hours only once or twice a week, i was, as you guys are aware, pretty confused. his strong comments and words did not match his noncommittal, barely ever there presence in my life. i expect a guy who looks me deep in the eyes and says stuff like, "you are a blessing in my life", "i am crazy about you, i want to be committed to you", "i want to win over your family, when can i meet them?"" to you know walk the walk as well. and seeing each other once or twice a week, texting in between and making plans last minute to hang out did not measure up to what he kept telling me. last last friday i slept over his place because it was too late for me to drive home. we were making out in his bed and i asked if he was seeing other people. he said he was seeing another girl very non-seriously that he can cut ties with her because its nothing like what we have. i'm the girl he has been looking for and he doesn't want to lie to himself anymore etc etc. saturday morning i drove home feeling a bit underwhelmed. i kept playing in my head the little instances during our time together that felt very...off. knowing my committment to staying a virgin until possibly marriage and being aware of the fact that i will not sleep with him, he kept mumbling about how nice it would feel to have me in his bed and us laying skin-to-skin. when i woke up, i cuddled him and said, "hey thanks for letting me stay over. i reaaallly hope i wasnt a bother. did you sleep well?" he said, "not at all" and that he slept well. again, knowing that this is the first time i have EVER spent the night at a guy's place, it was probably a big deal for me, he never asked me if i was okay, or if i slept good or how i felt about anything. he seemed cold and distant and occupied with something.something felt very off about his attitude and actions throughout the night even tho at the time i had no real reason for the warning-like tingling in my body about something being wrong! i text him when i get home "thanks for letting me stay over. i had a wonderful time " he texts back no problem, "i was nice waking up next to a beautiful woman." next week goes by. he is out of town and i feel unsure about if i should initiate further contact seeing his rather cold treatment of me. he does text me himself saying he has arrived and kept in touch throughout the week talking about his family and work stuff. halfway through he texted saying he showed a pic of me to his family and they thought i was "absolutely beautiful". he comes home saturday night and says cant hang out sunday or monday night because he has promised friends but we can meet after. and then monday morning he texts saying how he is not looking for a serious relationship right now because he is really busy with work and working on his friendships and other activities. he feels i am looking for a serious relationship and he cannot offer me that right now. ... so i confront him about all of this on the phone last night and ask about how he can jump from" you are the girl i have been looking for" "i want to be committed" to "i dont want a serious relationship". that i didnt even know who he was anymore. that i wanted to know what of all he said was a lie and what was the truth if anything at all. he said it is both him. he does want marriage and everything but he has just realize he is not ready for that kind of committment. and i asked WHY the hell would he accuse ME of wanting something very serious considering HE has been the one badgering me about marriage since date 1? did he not know me? was he NOT listening? was he feeding me words he thought i wanted to hear? he said he has a bad habit of trying to please people... we bantered back and forth and he suggested we just be friends and start over since we dont know each other apparently. i was like wtf?! i kissed you and slept in your bed. i CANT just turn off the attraction switch and pretend nothing happened. i said let me think about what i want and he can think about what he wants and to talk later. a couple of hours later i realize, him wanting to be just friends is him trying to get rid of me. he probably is interested in some other girl he has been seeing and wants to end it with me. so i call back and say i cant just be friends after what happened. to me it is like he is dumping me. he says he only suggested that because i seemed very confused about how we do not know each other and it struck a chord with him. he said his text about him wanting to continue to date casually was just his attempt at asking me where i thought things were headed and for us to have that conversation. he says he is asking for a second chance and i say fine. i will date him casually but i dont know what to feel or think about him or us anymore so i need some time to think before i hangout with him again. so what do you guys think? continue to date him casually/non exclusively? cut him off and move on?
Eddie Edirol Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 But you want a serious relationship. He told you multiple times that he doesnt want that, why do you want to be bothered with him? Dont you think that if you casually start dating him again he is going to tell you this agian, especially since he is dating multiple girls? Do you really have nothing better to do than keep dating a guy who isnt that into you?
veggirl Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Please cut him off, go 100% NC. He will never give you what you want--he has said that and he means it. There is no point in dating him "casually" because you will fall harder and harder and he will take off one day and you'll be the one heartbroken.
Nexus One Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) Cut him off and move on. You're looking for a relationship, he's not. He's also portraying red flags in my opinion, he's wishy washy and inconsistent. He played you, he told you what you wanted to hear, he got what he wanted (sex). I remember your posts from some while ago Maria, I know you wanted a boyfriend badly. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Sigh. Edited October 8, 2011 by Nexus One
Author maria gostrey Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Cut him off and move on. You're looking for a relationship, he's not. He's also portraying red flags in my opinion, he's wishy washy and inconsistent. He played you, he told you what you wanted to hear, he got what he wanted (sex). I remember your posts from some while ago Maria, I know you wanted a boyfriend badly. I'm sorry this has happened to you. Sigh. we didn't have sex. i just slept beside him.
Nexus One Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 we didn't have sex. i just slept beside him. Phew! Well that does change matters a little bit, but still, the guy is inconsistent. Going from "you're the one" to "I can't give you what you want" is a pretty big 180 degree turn.
Author maria gostrey Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Phew! Well that does change matters a little bit, but still, the guy is inconsistent. Going from "you're the one" to "I can't give you what you want" is a pretty big 180 degree turn. yes. ijust cant wrap my head around it. WHO is he? WHY would someone do that?
Eddie Edirol Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 yes. ijust cant wrap my head around it. WHO is he? WHY would someone do that? Because he is dating other women, and youre getting too serious for him. Why would you want to date someone who doesnt want something serious like you do?
Author maria gostrey Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 What do I think? I think you are a fool for believing anything that's coming out of his mouth. Obviously, he is not interested in a serious relationship...at least not with you. He's just playing you. By the way, why are you so shocked that there is a discrepancy between what he says and what he does? You are aware that some people lie, right? Right??? yes, but he didn't struck me as a liar is the thing....he is so put together in every part of his life so this was really odd...
Author maria gostrey Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Because he is dating other women, and youre getting too serious for him. Why would you want to date someone who doesnt want something serious like you do? i dont really want something very serious right now...but if i were to date someone for a while i would hope it goes somewhere.
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