How to detach and learn to enjoy being alone?

[Appleanche]

Can anyone please point me in the right direction here? I am to a point in my relationship where I really just need to detach some - I think I am more invested than he is, not because he feels less for me, but because just isn't great at showing that and I think he takes me for granted. We have talked about this on more than one occasion... how I feel that I'm not very high on his list of priorities and how I don't feel very important to him, how it seems he really just doesn't "need" me. I pointed out the various things he does that cause me to feel this way, such as always being late when it's his night to come over (yes, always... we live in separate towns). He's routinely 30 min to 1 hour late and generally has some "reason" why, but ultimately I'm left feeling like he's not all that excited to see me if he can't even get here until late EVERY time. I prefer more communication - I like to know that I'm still though of throughout the day even though we are apart... no my phone doesn't need to be bombed with texts or phone calls, but in this day and age it's NOT hard to stay in touch... sometimes he goes all day and I won't hear from him. He's not wrong per-say, I just don't like it... I need more and he's fine with status-quo.

 

He's just busy with work and hobbies and family and friends and sometimes I really feel like he doesn't have the time or desire to invest more in our relationship. FWIW I know he is happy, and based on what he says he is happier than he has ever been. He calls me "perfect". I don't nag him, I want sex regularly from him, I put up with his BS late excuses all the time, I really try.... but it just doesn't feel like it's coming back to me on the same level. I feel alone a lot in my relationship, and frankly... I wish I were more like him.

 

Just how does one go about detaching?

[LSgirl]

I would like to hear others from this as well. My boyfriend (9 months) comes late regularly but I stopped even asking about his lateness (he did show up with flowers yesterday). If this were the first week of dating, he would be on time! lol I think maybe he's got a bit comfortable and I want to do something to make him feel like I'm not always available.

 

He works full-time and has lots of hobbies and can easily find something to do. I work full-time as well but I always make time to see him. I don't want to be that girl that's always just there when he has nothing else to do. I want him to be excited to see me. I guess I'm in the same boat as you and don't know what to do. I don't have much hobbies and only see my friends maybe once or twice a week. He says I don't go out that much (which is true, I go to work and come home and sleep lol) Like you, I wish I were more like him, but I'm kind of an introvert, which he knows, so I tend to sit around and dwell/analyze my relationship when he's not around. Like you, I do prefer more communication too. All day yesterday, he didn't contact me once until 6pm saying he was coming over.

 

Anyways, that's just my story too, but I'm curious to see what other people say. Best of luck to us!

[OnyxSnowfall]

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

 

Have you any friends? Spend some time with them... if you do not, get involved in activities that allow you the opportunity to make some --- get out out out. What are your interests? What is something you're passionate about? Art? Music? Gardening? Sports? Crafts? What'd you do before you two were together?

 

Spend some time with your family too (provided they're somewhat close-by and you are not on hostile terms with them).

 

You need to busy yourself up with your own hobbies and the like as well. Perhaps when you are sincerely *too* busy for him, he will come to appreciate time spent with you more as well.

 

If there's anything I've learned... it's that *one* person cannot meet every need that another has. It's up to you to find ways to get your needs met, you can depend upon people for some of them --- but you will always feel like they're unmet and you're going without and you're putting more in if you try to depend too much on one source.

Edited October 7, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[azsinglegal]

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

 

Have you any friends? Spend some time with them... if you do not, get involved in activities that allow you the opportunity to make some --- get out out out. What are your interests? What is something you're passionate about? Art? Music? Gardening? Sports? Crafts? What'd you do before you two were together?

 

Spend some time with your family too (provided they're somewhat close-by and you are not on hostile terms with them).

 

You need to busy yourself up with your own hobbies and the like as well. Perhaps when you are sincerely *too* busy for him, he will come to appreciate time spent with you more as well.

 

If there's anything I've learned... it's that *one* person cannot meet every need that another has. It's up to you to find ways to get your needs met, you can depend upon people for some of them --- but you will always feel like they're unmet and you're going without and you're putting more in if you try to depend too much on one source.

 

I agree with this, you should have your own hobbies. I like being alone and doing things by myself sometimes.

 

If you're *too available* maybe it's because you spent so much time investing in him that you lost yourself?

 

I'm guilty of this too...just caught myself doing it this week and shifted things around. I don't feel the least bit guilty for taking care of my own needs. I even cancelled on coming over to his house a day early like I always do because I wanted to stay at my place and watch the TV shows I like instead of recording them and waiting for later. When I told him, he was totally cool with it. He understood...just as I understand his need for space.

[Appleanche]

Hmmmmmmmmmm.

 

Spend some time with your family too (provided they're somewhat close-by and you are not on hostile terms with them).

 

You need to busy yourself up with your own hobbies and the like as well. Perhaps when you are sincerely *too* busy for him, he will come to appreciate time spent with you more as well.

 

If there's anything I've learned... it's that *one* person cannot meet every need that another has. It's up to you to find ways to get your needs met, you can depend upon people for some of them --- but you will always feel like they're unmet and you're going without and you're putting more in if you try to depend too much on one source.

 

Yes you are right. I know I am guilty of this, of relying on him too much. I don't outwardly express that to him because I know it's my issue, but I do find myself frequently battling some level of anxiety. His non-reliance on me (combined with my over-reliance on him is an unsettling mix for me. It often feels to me that he is getting his needs met and is therefore perfectly comfortable with everything and in turn, doesn't pay much attention to my needs, even though I have expressed my feelings to him.

 

I don't really know what to make of that anymore...he's not a bad guy, just isn't giving the effort I wish he would. I'm not a high-maintenance girlfriend... I really am easy, but in order to meet my needs he'd have to step out of his comfort zone and thus far he's not too good at that. I know he's capable, he just doesn't. I also know he wants me to be happy, but words aren't getting me there - actions do. He's a words-guy, not an action-guy. It's frustrating. I feel teased by what I do get from him...it's not enough to fully satisfy me and so I just long for our time together even more...and long for him even more. That would be all fine and great if I was getting that back from him but I'm not. I don't want to stress out my relationship any more so instead of wishing he would see the light, I just want to detach and focus more on myself.

 

It's a learning process for sure. I know I have lost myself in my relationship and so re-focusing and changing my priorities won't be easy, but it's too difficult living in an anxious state. I learned a long time ago that I can only change myself...