Yoshi18 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Where do I start.... I have been with my girlfriend for a bit over a year now and we are both in our mid twenties. We have also lived together for the past 5 months. I love and care for her immensely, however things have gotten difficult in the past few months. She confessed to me recently that she had kissed a guy friend (who is not from here) when she was drunk. She was visibly upset and told me that it was a mistake and that she would never do it again. She denys that nothing else happened but I can't be certain . Further when we disagree on something she gets extremely angry, defensive and says extremely hurtful things to me. Not once has she ever said 'sorry' to me. I know that I am not perfect but I always apologise when I am at fault. Because she never apologizes I stay hurt...she tells me that I dwell on it. So basically I generally give in and say that I am sorry to keep the peace. However I feel that nothing gets resolved and the next problem is imminent. She also keeps in regular contact with an ex boyfriend (he is currently living overseas). I feel threatened by this because when we have argued she has brought up how fantastic he is. I'm not sure if she says stuff to have a dig at me? I don't have contact with any of my exe's because it upsets her. Finally our sex life is almost non-existent. It never used to be like this. She has reported that she feels like all I want is sex and that if she gives me an inch then I will take a mile. Any suggestions would be appreciated. I love her and want to be with her but it feels like it is getting far too hard. I feel like the relationship is slipping away and that in the end she will resent me
JohnM Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 She confessed to me recently that she had kissed a guy friend (who is not from here) when she was drunk. I feel that nothing gets resolved and the next problem is imminent. She also keeps in regular contact with an ex boyfriend (he is currently living overseas). I feel threatened by this because when we have argued she has brought up how fantastic he is. Finally our sex life is almost non-existent. It never used to be like this. She has reported that she feels like all I want is sex and that if she gives me an inch then I will take a mile. It sounds to me like your patience is wearing thin and you are getting into more arguments as your mood is low. If you are not communicating well enough that your problems are being solved then you need to tell her that you need to see a problem sorted out or it eats you up. When you have that kind of conflict arise each week it makes you want to avoid the emotional harm from them and just internalise it instead of sorting it out properly which has to be done sometimes. She kissed another guy, this is such a bad problem because I'm sure you think of it alot as minor as it may have been and even though she apologised about it. Do you trust her less now? How long ago was it and do you feel you need more time or that you have lost faith in her? With the ex if she has just cheated on you, minor or not then you're within reason to be a bit worried about her contact with her ex. Because now you are anxious, it depends on levels of contact I suppose but I wouldn't be happy with high contact personally. Especially if she goes to him to talk to about your problems as thats kind of an emotional cheating sometimes. The only reason I see this as a problem is the fact she says how fantastic he is to you; whats that all about, thats not cool at all and you should tell her how that makes you feel. Your incompatibility sexually is going to become a massive problem, I dislike the fact that you are being made to feel bad for wanting to have an increased level of sexual contact with her. How many times a week/month is your average now? And what was it like 8 months in?
Author Yoshi18 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Thank you for the reply JohnM. She kissed the guy about 3 months ago, but only recently told me about 2 weeks ago. I have lost some trust, but I told her that this is something I could forgive and forget in time. The thing is that she was really upset about it all and she honestly thought I would leave her. I expressed that I love her and that we could get through it together. I guess there in is the problem: I feel that I am the only one trying in this relationship. She either doesn't care, or I seem to think she may not have the capacity to deal with the issues. I'm sorry but issues aren't resolved by not doing anything and pretending that everything is fine. And certainly getting angry and saying nasty comments does not help either . The ex boyfriend has been a long time friend of hers. She has made comments such that he just 'gets her' and that he has always been there for her. I know for a fact that she treated him like dirt, but he still stuck around. He was willing to put up with it. I did for the past 6 months but I can't take it anymore. The worst part is that I am extremely fond of this girl and despite being treated poorly I am still very much in love with her. I would say we would have sex maybe once a fortnight. Our sex life was a lot better before we moved in together maybe three to four times per week.
seibert253 Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Try this: Sit her down, be honest, and tell her everything you just told us. Then make the suggestion you would like to participate in some couples counseling to work through your issues, and issues she has. If she agrees, great. If she doesn't, well then you may wish to reconsider your committment to this relationship. BTW, tell her this. (It's sh#t or get off the pot time). Trust me, if you do not address these issues now, when you're relatively "new" in your relationship, they will progressively get worse over time. Peace and good luck.
Recommended Posts