gotanproject Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Hi everyone. I am new to this forum, and I have been seeking so much advice regarding my situation that I have caused myself to go almost insane. I will describe it the best I could below, and I ask that you guide me as to what my best decision should/could be. Past: My wife and I separated this past spring, after 9 years of marriage. We grew apart in common interests, views of life, and views of where we wanted to be. We have two young children who we love immensely, and making this decision was not easy. In fact, I was the one who initiated the separation as I grew tired of where I was in the relationship. I told her, she didn't take it well, and became angry and depressed. I awoke one day with my all of my belongings in black garbage bags, and I had to move out of the home right away. As a result, we both would see each other only when I saw my kids. A few weeks had past, and we decided that we would get a divorce when the time was right. During this time of separation, I met someone who I have gained a strong affection for. I would see her a lot, and she was there during the times I needed support. We started to make plans for 'after-divorce', and I can see a strong future with her. Present: I decided to have a sit down with my 'wife' a few weeks ago, and she confessed to me that she still loves me and wants to reconcile. She has been going through therapies, and it has helped her a lot. In fact, she has completely changed her way of thinking. I see a huge positive change in her, and I like it. Upon reviewing this, I began to have feelings to reconcile again and I broke everything off with my friend. The problem is: I still love my friend, and can't fathom seeing her with anyone else. At the same time, I can't fathom seeing my 'wife' with anyone either. I love both of them, and I have been under a lot of mental anguish and stress because of this situation. I have also taken therapy to help me cope with this reality. I have even thought about moving far away, with the wife and kids, to get away from the area and start fresh. The problem, once again, I think ALOT about my friend and miss her terribly. Future: I see a future with both individuals, and I don't know what path to take. I am praying every day, asking for guidance, because I want to make sure things are good for everyone.
worldgonewrong Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I say the following with all respect, truly: You have control issues, buddy. You don't want your wife to be with anyone, nor the back-up woman. And you have considered moving away to - if you look at it clearly - control what you want. The other control issue is in choosing separation, then backflipping, and then trying to steer things your way. Are you looking at the perspective from the other parties involved? Can you imagine them doing the same thing to you? I dunno...I just think you have to look at changes within yourself too. You're glad to see your wife change. But what are YOU bringing to the table if you instigated this, along with having had another relationship going? Maybe there's not enough information provided to evaluate this situation with more clarity, but from here, it seems you want everything to revolve a certain way around YOUR orbit without realizing the other women (and kids) involved have their own lives & thoughts & visions of how things should be. I say this without an ounce of anger or anything. Lord knows I've got my own mess to sort out...
Author gotanproject Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 I thoroughly enjoyed your response because it did pave a new frame of viewing things. You're right in having control issues, because that's just it: I always feel I need to be control and it has has haunted me in making my decision. I'm taking things day-by-day; waiting for the best outcourse based upon the circumstance. Awesome response... will be re-reading it alot. Kudos on the Bill Murray avatar.
Steen719 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 If you still love your wife and you have children together, why not try to make your marriage work? You can try MC and you will at least know that you gave your children an opportunity to have both of their parents together and happy. Moving will not help you. The OW will be in your mind and you will need to cut off all contact with her. One thing....do not start seeing this OW if you decide to work on your marriage. It will undermine any efforts and that is really unkind and unfair to your wife. Any "new" love is exciting and gets your motor running. Reality will set in and both of you will see each other in a realistic view. What then? Does your wife know about the OW? Good luck. I hope your heart and head lead you down a path you can live with.
Lanelle Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 You choose your wife. Your commitment is with her not the OW. You must go no contact with her. You will mourn her that is to be expected. In time it will get better. The right thing to do is help make your marriage better by giving it 100%. Your marriage will end up being better than it ever was as long as you are commited. You owe it to your wife and kids and the generations to come.
chalkfarm Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Have you told you "special friend" that you are thinking about going home? Show her some respect and have a "sit down" with her. Perhaps when you tell her, she will make the decision for you by telling you she's done and she doesn't want you to continue using her. For what it is worth, be prepared for your news to really really hurt her. You have done her a great disservice. Shame on you for not getting your life on track before asking another to invest in you.
worldgonewrong Posted October 12, 2011 Posted October 12, 2011 I thoroughly enjoyed your response because it did pave a new frame of viewing things. You're right in having control issues, because that's just it: I always feel I need to be control and it has has haunted me in making my decision. I'm taking things day-by-day; waiting for the best outcourse based upon the circumstance. Awesome response... will be re-reading it alot. Kudos on the Bill Murray avatar. Well, thank you, buddy. I'm glad you took it in the spirit in which it was intended (not to eviscerate you, but to just see things differently).
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