Viv Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I need to write something, I'm on day 25 of NC and was feeling so much better! I could enjoy things again, and the painful feeling in my chest was mostly gone. And now I'm crying and back where I started. My husband left me about 3 months ago, with no warning and no real reasons. I gave up trying to get closure and decided to work on myself. When he left, he took a lease on a new flat, and when I was gone for the weekend he took all the furniture, our cat, the credit cards, bank statements everything. Basically he left me with nothing and I had to move home to my parents. This was the man that I genuinely thought was my best friend. We had agreed to wait two years for the divorce so that neither of us has to be at fault. Obviously he is, but he would only agree to take the blame with some fake reasons and I told him I'd rather leave it. I can't afford to fight him, his family has alot of money. So just now he emails me to say he's decided to divorce me for unreasonable behaviour and I wont like the reasons. I had no way of fighting anything he did to me, he has all the money and family around him, I just had to accept it all. And I have, I never tried to hurt him back, I let him get on with his life and am trying to rebuild mine. I've even tried to meditate kindness towards him, so I can heal. It's all just so dam unfair, I feel like i just keep getting screwed over again and again. Sorry for the rant, am so hurt right now, and angry because I was starting to feel like me again
Fleabitten Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I have no suggestions. But your post made me cry. He took your cat?? I have no advice, nothing to say apart from you are not alone. xxx
EgoJoe Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 This is the second post about a dude taking a mother ****ing cat! Oh what the hell! Lawyer up and get your fair share. You can afford a decent lawyer who will fight for you and if you outline your case there are lawyers who will agree to wait on a certain amount of payment for when things come to fruition.
Author Viv Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Thank you, your reply made me cry. Yes we got our cat a few months after we had been together, I try not to think about him because it makes me too sad and I figured I would deal with it later. Sometimes I actually feel like I'm broken, but I know it will get better, it was until now. Thankyou it's comforting just not to feel so alone!
Author Viv Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 I'm annoyed with myself, I replied, twice. The first time I asked him why he had to do this when we had agreed to wait, when he knows I have so many other things to sort out now. The second time I said OK, I'll go ahead with the divorce myself if that's what he wants. But of course he doesn't reply, it's some kind of control thing, he never replies. I think he's ill.
nature Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 What is the "unreasonable behaviour" he speaks of as being the reason for his pursuing the divorce. I don't think you've told us everything. You must know more about why the relationship ended. Nothing ever ends out of the blue. Were you fighting? Not getting along? How have you behaved since he left. What is he describing as being unreasonable?
MAGGIE15 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Viv, I know it is so hard for you at the moment the way he is treating you, but he cant just say he is divorcing you for 'unreasonable behavior' and think that will do. You ARE entitled to a percentage of whatever you put into the marriage and that will include any property, furniture, anything you both bought whether it was with his money or yours. I know this has really knocked you for six at the moment , but you really cant let him get away with it. I dont know if you can afford a solicitor, but maybe you could see someone at the Citizens Advice or have a free first session with a lawyer. Im sure even the courts would let you know what rights you have with regards to what your position is. he cant just make up a reason and think that is ok. He will need to prove it to the court to get a divorce and you need to fight for your share of what is rightfully yours. I know you love him and it is so hard for you at the moment, but he has no right whatsoever to dictate to you what will or wont happen. Show him you wont be pushed around anymore and you are going to fight for what is rightfully yours. To me he sounds like an immature bully who thinks he can do exactly what he wants. Get as much advice as you can about what you are entitled to and show him he cant push you around anymore. Get everything you deserve from him and show him you will fight for what is yours and he cant push you around. Stay strong sweet and dont worry about what he says you should do, DO what is best for you both emotionally and financially. xx
Author Viv Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 No we weren't arguing, he just went distant in the last couple of weeks, which provoked me into arguing with him. This was totally out of the blue, two weeks before he had arranged a surprise party for me, 6 weeks later we were due to leave the country for a year. I have no idea what he will say, the only reasons he ever gave me were that I didn't love him enough and we had too many fights. We never had fights because he hated confrontation and I learnt not to confront him. And he retracted the bit about me not loving him enough. He also said that I would never earn enough money for us to have the lifestyle that he wanted. To be honest I'm scared about what he's going to say, because I've been really down since this happened and my self-esteem is so low. This is the man I loved and it hurts that he is going to make up things about me. I have never done anything that could be described as unreasonable. When he left I begged him not to, and I emailed, phoned and texted too much for a couple/few weeks. Nothing abusive just wanting to know what had happened, that is the only thing I have done.
Author Viv Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Thanks Maggie, I contacted legal aid at the beginning and they told me that because we didn't have much money between us there was nothing they could do. I'm going to contact someone again tomorrow or Monday. It's hard because I have no money, nor does my family, but his will spend whatever it takes on solicitors just to bully me. I thought I had alot more rights before all this happened! It's quite scary how you don't really He is a bully, and I was doing so well with NC, hope you're ok x
MAGGIE15 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Hi Viv, In regards to your divorce, you have just as many rights as he has and if there are no children involved, you can apply to the courts without a solicitor and represent yourself. The judge will only grant the petition for divorce if both parties are happy with the outcome. In this country you are entitled to 50% of everything that was within the marriage, whether you contributed that much to it or not. He cant just 'decide' a reason to divorce you and think the courts will accept that. He may use a big lawyer to fight his case and just because he does , it doesnt mean he will win. He can have the best lawyer in the land , but he still has to prove any reason to a judge and ALL joint assets are divided equally. He can say and do what he wants, but he needs to prove it to a judge to get a divorce. Stand your ground, tell him to get a lawyer, tell him to petition the courts for a divorce. Let him do his worst if thats what he is intent on doing, but , and i know it is so hard for you at the moment, DONT let him just walk away with everything. Like i said, it is straight forward is there are no children involved. It is just a splitting of assets and if he demands more or wont give you what you are entitled to, fight him and show him you wont be bullied by him or his big lawyer. You have as many rights as him in this divorce and dont let him tell you otherwise. You can download info and forms from the courts which will tell you exactly what you have to do and what procedure has to be done. Get as much advice as you can and dont let him bully you into anything. The courts wont be swayed by his lawyer, the courts will only do what is legally right and that means looking at your entitlement as well as his. Unless he can prove adultery or something serious like that , then his fancy lawyer may have the words , but legally he needs to prove his case and if he cant, then having a bigwig lawyer wont help him. Stand your ground hun. Show him he cant push you around anymore and show him you will fight for what is rightfully yours. xx
Author Viv Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Yep it's time to stand up for myself! I just never wanted to get in a fight with him, would rather have just walked away. I'm actually scared of him, I can't believe how weak I've become. I'm STILL finding it hard to see him for who he really is. You are so kind to give me your advice, thankyou! x ps I read this thing on a blog and it reminded me of when you posted that you were upset about your ex again. It's about 'recycling' and how it's a normal part of the grief process http://www.gettingpastyourbreakup.com/gettingpastyourpast/2011/10/04/recycling-recycled-2/
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