labor and delivery during separation. induce so he can be there or not?

[momto3boys]

e of you may remember i ended up moving back to my home state with my mom til i get on my feet. My husband told me out of the blue he wants a divorce. I cant say i am very surprised though because he has emotionally distanced himself from me since i was about 3 or 4 months pregnant. He has just not been the same since getting home from Afghanistan. There's been so much drama and he has been very mean to me this past month after telling me he wants a divorce. I originally was not going to have him in the room when i went in to labor, i was just going to tell him once the baby was here. But since then we have become some what civil and he already doesnt seem very emotionally connected to this baby (or anyone in fact except his family and our son). So i feel like if he misses the birth, i dont think he will ever really get an emotional connection with this baby. My doctor did agree that he'd induce so my soon to be ex-husband can be there since he is in the military and 6 hours away. I was induced with my 2nd so he could be there too because he had orders to be somewhere before my due date.

 

Anyways, i am not against inductions at all, i know a lot of people are against inductions if theyre not medically needed. I know if i go natural then he will miss the birth then he will have to wait until Thanksgiving or xmas to meet our son.

 

Would you induce so he could be there? Like i said i feel like if he misses the birth then he will never connect with this baby. Like i said he has emotionally been detached to everyone but our son. (he hasnt talked to my oldest son who is his step-son who he has been around since he was 1 and my son just turned 6 years old on the 5th in a month.). Im hoping he gets some sort of help because i am pretty sure he has ptsd, but i do want him to be there for the birth, i think it may possibly snap him out of his emotional distance from everyone. I also feel like then he may actually put some effort in to this baby. I also feel like if he ends up missing the birth he may get depressed or feel bad about it and make his issues worse.

 

So would you induce so he could be there??

 

 

 

 

 

i also forgot to mention that his mom and family started all this drama when i had our other son. So i do not want his family there. I feel like we will never over come another drama birth. I tried talking to him about it, he says he wants to be there, but he said he didnt understand why i was bothering him about it and acting like its a big deal. But it is for me, its my birth and i dont want anything to interfere with my labor nd delivery and i dont want the drama from his family and honestly as mean as he's been to me, i dont want that for the birth either. SDo he is making it seem like i am not a priority to talk to about the birth of our child.

[Atlantico]

Dear me...

[Eddie Edirol]

I think that since he hasnt initiated talk about bieng at the birth, then you shouldnt try to have him there. I think if he doesnt want to go, then being there will not snap him out of it. What might snap him out of it is missing the birth and seeing the kid afterwards. Right now he knows you need him there, if he thinks you didnt need him there, it might make him think a lil. But if he really has ptsd, a birth isnt going to help. Hopefully its really is ptsd and he isnt totally emotionally disconnected from you for some other reason.

 

Bugging him to be there will only make him want to be there less, so dont bother inducing.

[momto3boys]

I havent begged him to be there, i havent asked him to be there. I asked if he wanted to be there and he said he does. But the problem is that if he;s there...Their has to be some ground rules because he has been mentally abusive, his family ruined my last birth so i dont want that happening again.

[Josephina]

If it were me, I wouldn't want him there, given what you have posted.

 

It sounds like you really do want him there though, from reading this and some of your other posts. If you get him there, but in the wrong "mood" so to speak, then there is a chance that he will ruin the experience for you. If he doesn't come, then you may be upset or preoccupied with all the "what ifs" (what if he's mad/sad/hurt that he missed it, what if he had come, what if his family....) and then not fully enjoy your own experience. I now you said that you think there may be a problem with bonding if he isn't there...but the baby's dad is an adult and he needs to bear his own parental responsibility. There are plenty of dads out there that aren't around due to a variety of reasons, yet they still maintain a healthy, loving relationship with their kids. *He* has to decide to be that dad, and as much as you want it to happen, sacrificing the birth experience to try to make it happen...it's a long shot.

 

I think if he was expressing that he wanted to be there, then I might have different advice. When you said "he said he didnt understand why i was bothering him about it and acting like its a big deal", this implies that he really isn't interested in being there. I think that you need to quit worrying and thinking so much about him (hard to do...I know) and start making yourself the priority. What do you want? That should come first.

 

Big *hugs* - I hope that however it all turns out that you have a great birth experience.

[tinktronik]

No, do not induce or allow him to be there. Having additional stress during childbirth can hinder progress and put your baby in harms way. Do not add onto your own stress. If your H wants to be there for the birth of his child let him figure out how to make that happen on his own. You need supportive and loving people around you while you do an incredibly amazing and painful thing, your baby needs support and love not a disinterested father that stresses it's mother out and abuses her. Wish you had private messages, I have some support resources for you.

[momto3boys]

Josephina- Thank you for the good advice. I do sort of want him there because this will be my first labor and delivery without the support of him if he doesnt come. But i also know he isnt the same as he was when i had my other child. He has said he wants to be there, but he acts annoyed when i try to talk about some ground rules. Which is annoying. I really wish he'd put this as a first priority. I almost feel like he thinks we have all the time in the world and like the baby isnt going to be here soon. We dont have much longer and if i get induced for him to be there, i need to let them know by my next appointment next week. Its a really tough decision.

[momto3boys]

Tink - Thank you for the good advice. I tried talking to him about the birth today again and he was a jerk again about it. He acts annoyed anytime i try to talk to him. He said he wants to be there for the birth because its his kid. I sort of feel like if he isnt there then any chance at ever getting a long will not happen. He already blames me for everything so if i dont allow him there, he's going to think more negative things about me. I talked to my oldest sons father (who is my ex-boyfriend who i get a long with and am very close to) and he said he thinks he deserves a chance to be there for the birth. He told me to be the bigger person and allow him the chance to be there. He said "do the right thing", but then again he's always mean to me and i dont like it. I dont think he deserves to be there.

 

My email is [email protected] if you wanna send some stuff there

[SoleMate]

Induction increases the chance of a C-section and sometimes results in a premature baby.

 

Giving birth is hard enough without induction and also without having a faithless husband there. (Keep in mind, even if you but yourself and the baby through an induction so he can be there, he easily could flake so all your effort and risk were for nothing.)

[tinktronik]

Tink - Thank you for the good advice. I tried talking to him about the birth today again and he was a jerk again about it. He acts annoyed anytime i try to talk to him. He said he wants to be there for the birth because its his kid. I sort of feel like if he isnt there then any chance at ever getting a long will not happen. He already blames me for everything so if i dont allow him there, he's going to think more negative things about me. I talked to my oldest sons father (who is my ex-boyfriend who i get a long with and am very close to) and he said he thinks he deserves a chance to be there for the birth. He told me to be the bigger person and allow him the chance to be there. He said "do the right thing", but then again he's always mean to me and i dont like it. I dont think he deserves to be there.

 

My email is [email protected] if you wanna send some stuff there

 

I would agree with your friend that you should do the right thing... But I would amend that to do the right thing for yourself and baby. Your husband is being hostile because he does not want to have to deal with you nor his unborn child. Do you really want to deal with that while bringing life into the world? Your going through a medical procedure and pushing a child out of your body; that is absolutely NOT the time you should be making things right for others. That is the time that others should be making it right for YOU.

 

If you think your H will blame you for his inability to be there simply tell him that your doc is not comfortable inducing. This time shouldn't be about HIM. It should be about YOU and your baby.

[momto3boys]

He knows my OB does social inductions for military families. I was induced with my 2nd son (our first child together) so he could be there, he had orders for training before i was even due and wouldnt have made it so they induced me at 39 weeks so he could be there. But then again at that time he was a great husband and father and i did not mind getting induced for him. But now i dont wanna go out of my way for him. I am starting to not care about his feelings, he doesnt care about mine. He doesnt call to see how im feeling. He does not call to see how doctors appointments have gone. he does not ask about the baby at all. So why have him there? I guess i will let him know when i go in to labor on my own.

 

 

He did say if i go on my own that i should red cross him so he can come up to the hospital to see the baby. But honestly im even debating this. He is going to Georgia to spend thanksgiving with his family for a week then coming to MD for a few days during his 2 week leave. Thats how much of a priority his newborn son is then so be it.

 

If he ends up coming up here, i also have issues with his family. His family ruined my last birth and we never recovered from that birth. That is when our marriage started going down hill. Plus i do not like his mom at all. I tried to call her to talk to her about him being emotionally and verbally abusive towards me and she did not answer my call or call me back instead she called him and it sorta made the issue worse. So if he comes up he's going to expect her to be able to come and i dont wanna deal with that at the hospital. I have enough going on with him being horrible to me during my pregnancy. Adjusting to being a single mother again (my oldest is by an ex, so i was a single mother with him for a while) and adjusting to having 3 kids instead of 2. Its also hard because this baby was planned, but yet he is not involved and doesnt really care about this baby.

[tinktronik]

He knows my OB does social inductions for military families. I was induced with my 2nd son (our first child together) so he could be there, he had orders for training before i was even due and wouldnt have made it so they induced me at 39 weeks so he could be there. But then again at that time he was a great husband and father and i did not mind getting induced for him. But now i dont wanna go out of my way for him. I am starting to not care about his feelings, he doesnt care about mine. He doesnt call to see how im feeling. He does not call to see how doctors appointments have gone. he does not ask about the baby at all. So why have him there? I guess i will let him know when i go in to labor on my own.

 

 

He did say if i go on my own that i should red cross him so he can come up to the hospital to see the baby. But honestly im even debating this. He is going to Georgia to spend thanksgiving with his family for a week then coming to MD for a few days during his 2 week leave. Thats how much of a priority his newborn son is then so be it.

 

If he ends up coming up here, i also have issues with his family. His family ruined my last birth and we never recovered from that birth. That is when our marriage started going down hill. Plus i do not like his mom at all. I tried to call her to talk to her about him being emotionally and verbally abusive towards me and she did not answer my call or call me back instead she called him and it sorta made the issue worse. So if he comes up he's going to expect her to be able to come and i dont wanna deal with that at the hospital. I have enough going on with him being horrible to me during my pregnancy. Adjusting to being a single mother again (my oldest is by an ex, so i was a single mother with him for a while) and adjusting to having 3 kids instead of 2. Its also hard because this baby was planned, but yet he is not involved and doesnt really care about this baby.

 

Are you on Baby Center? You should go read some "dealing with the in laws" (DWIL) threads and post your sitch there. This is very common place in that forum. Lots of ladies to help, lots of military wives too. It's a really fantastic resource for issues like these.