max921860 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 This is my first and only post and need some advice. Background: My girlfriend and I have been together for almost three years. She has 2 children. Like most relationships, it started out like a whirlwind. We were instantly attracted to each other and fell in love shortly after that. Everything was incredible, intimacy, chemistry, support, affection, likes, you name it. I had found the perfect girl for me. She felt the same. We both had never experienced love and and a connection like this before and we put so much effort into our relationship. Prefect! She is a very busy person with her kids and other activities. She has many hobbies and friends which she spends lots of her time with but always found a balance to do her things and also see me. I was the same. ALways finding a balance to do everything I want/needed to do for myself. And for three years, I could not asked for more. Again, perfect in every way. She is not good with time management, so when we have had problems, it most likely was due to her busy schedule and having to cancel or putting other things ahead of seeing me. I was fine with this, but over the last couple of months, this is becoming our problem. Things are not what they used to be. Lately, the other things and responsibilities have taken over, and is becoming very annoyed when we try and spend time. Her kids and hobbies/sports have taken top priority and if we plan to see each other and she gets an invite to do her activities, she is choosing those over us. She reacts very unemotional when she senses my frustration with it. Trust me, that I do not try and keep her from her likes in life. I just seem to be always trying/planning our next get together and her effort to make this happen is fading. Lately, when we have plans and she cancels or says she doesn't have time, she is becoming very stressed and overwhelmed (her words) and claims that she is uncertain that she can continue with this "double life". Her tone has changed, sweetness, effort, look in her eyes all have changed for the worse which is making me feel very insecure and stressed that I may lose her forever. I know that she is not cheating. This is certain. Even panic some days at the thought of losing everything we have done and all the great things we have been through. I am probably handling this in the wrong way as I start to become even more insecure with conversations and messages I send her and have a feeling that she is sensing this and pushing her farther away, but I really don't know how to handle the situation. How do you go from the most incredible situation to fighting for anything you can get? All I have to do is even ask if he has time to see me and her tone becomes negative and bothered. Then the next night telling me she wants to marry me. We will go several days to a week sometime without seeing each other and when our schedule finally opens up to make it happen, she will take the offer to play tennis with friends over seeing me and then says "You know I love tennis and it makes me happy". My gut is telling me that it is fading, but I am looking for a way to get us back to where we were. I have always communicated how I feel to her and been very honest when I have issues that I need to discuss with her. Again, she used to be so compassionate in rough times and now everything seems to not be taken seriously. I have done everything and treated her as well as someone can treat a person. All I am looking for is the same effort in return and want to be back to where we used to be. I am willing to try anything, but just don't want to lose her. I also want to get myself back and stop being this type of insecure person that I disgust so much. Also have tried to step back and not be so available to her, but this always backfires. All suggestions are appreciated.
Pierre Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 This is my first and only post and need some advice. All I have to do is even ask if he has time to see me and her tone becomes negative and bothered. Then the next night telling me she wants to marry me. If this was the romance of a lifetime you should have proposed marriage. She now realizes you are not going to marry her and she has started to pull away.
rightfield Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Have you been able to communicate to her everything you wrote in your post? All of it, all at once? What if you wrote her a note or email (not a text message!) saying essentially what you wrote above? Communication is key here, and I suspect it has broken down. Lay it all out there for her and ask for her help in resolving. Bottom line is, both of you have to try, and if she isn't trying, the relationship will die.
vsmini Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 If this was the romance of a lifetime you should have proposed marriage. She now realizes you are not going to marry her and she has started to pull away. This is a bold assumption but I kind of sort of agree and it was my first thought. How come marriage has never come up? Has it? Was she not ready for it? You not ready for it? As for the tennis thing she chooses to do when her schedule opens up...obviously that's showing you you're not her priority - you have to talk to her about it. If you want the relationship to continue or get to marriage then the kids and you should be her top priorities...then friends..then tennis.
Pierre Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 This is a bold assumption but I kind of sort of agree and it was my first thought. How come marriage has never come up? Has it? Was she not ready for it? You not ready for it? As for the tennis thing she chooses to do when her schedule opens up...obviously that's showing you you're not her priority - you have to talk to her about it. If you want the relationship to continue or get to marriage then the kids and you should be her top priorities...then friends..then tennis. That is the point of view of a somewhat insecure person. This was the romance of the century and after 3 years there is no direction as to where this is going. The woman has mentioned marriage and the OP wants to keep the status quo. It is quite possible she has started to pull back and (rightfully so) is concentrating on herself and children. If i was dating her i would not be offended if she paid a lot of attention to the children and had a normal busy life. The OP seems a bit needy. This in itself is a turn off for her. If I was dating her and this was the romance of the century I would want to marry her.
Author max921860 Posted April 2, 2012 Author Posted April 2, 2012 Update: So it has been a few months since I last posted on my situation and wanted to give an update. Not much has changed, and we are still together. Right now though, I am sensing some changes that are occurring between us. Most of which still are based around the responsibilities to her children, personal time and activities. The amount of time she is spending with her children's needs has increased as well as her desire for tennis and time with her friends. As I said n the original post, I am totally fine with her spending lots of time with her kids and her love for friends and activities. Where I am getting some increased bad vibes is the frequency we talk and the tone of our conversations. Maybe I am unrealistic but I guess I expect her to feel the same as I do. Which is like I did since the beginning. Totally head over heels, lots of passion and always wanting more. She has stopped talking about us in the future tense as much, texts and calls are less frequent. When we do talk, conversations are shorter with less sweetness. When we finally get on the same page, it is as wonderful as it has always been, but her responsibilities and stress level make this less and less frequent. Thought seriously about calling things off for a bit and see if she misses me when I am gone, but then I think " this is not what I want", so I would be a fool to risk losing everything to test her. I have always communicated this with her and made sure she's comfortable enough to come to me with anything, good or bad. She knows I am very honest in that regard. Finally, our last get together was yesterday and we had a brief, but wonderful time together. Had not seen her in several days (vacation). We talked right after and asked her why she had been in a bad mood lately and if there was anything going on that she wanted to discuss. In summary, the response was " I have been very stressed with stuff and I don't think you understand that just because we don't see each other, does not mean I don't care. I need personal down time for myself and have lots of things I have/want to do. I dont think I know what you expect from me" I said I understand, but the asked her what she thinks I expect? She said, "to see me everyday for hours and I cant do that!" So........What should I do? I try and back off, but I guess she is feeling too much pressure from me. Cant help it. Love being with her. Thanks as always for the advice and let me know the straight truth. I can handle it.
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