MiaColletus Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 (edited) I'll try to make this as short as possible... my bf of 6 months was sleeping over and we were watching a movie online. His facebook was open on another tab and he had fallen asleep. I kept watching the movie but then heard that familiar ping when someone messages you on fb. I looked over to see a girls name (who he told me was his annoying neighbor) message him. She said "heyyy you" I've seen her text him a few times but never thought anything. That heyyy you though had two more y's than I was comfortable with. And although I've NEVER done this before and I know it's wrong, I got suspicious and clicked to see previous conversations....there weren't that many but the very first one was in 2008 and it was him sending her a long message about how she broke his heart and he found out she cheated...etc. Last thing he said to her was "i love you" So obviously there is history between him and his "crazy neighbor" that he failed to mention to me. Now by this point I realized this was his ex, that he never wanted to talk to me about, and whose name I've seen pop up in his phone every so often. They sometimes text. So naturally, though again I know this is wrong, even under the circumstances, I started reading his text messages to her... They were mostly just her texting him "hey" "hey what are you doing" "whats up" without response but then there was a whole conversation at 5am a few weeks ago that went something like this Him: ? Her: whats upppp Him: nothin just txting to see if you were up Her: I'm just waiting here for ma pops to pick me upp Him: you should come chill with me Her: i've been trying to tell you we should cheeel but youre never around Him: im here now Her: whats happened to your girlfriend Him: that didn't matter two weeks ago why matter now Her: well I'm not gonna come because im lameee Him: ill remember that Something like that though the messages had a lot more typos, they both seemed drunk. This was on a night when I was out with my friends and he was out with his and we met up earlier for drinks but since we live kinda far we separated and they went to a bar by his house and me and my friends went home. Anyway by this point I was shaking, basically freaking out because this is completely not right!!!! So I woke him up and asked him in a very serious tone "Who is this girl because its obvious shes more than just your crazy annoying neighbor." And then I tell him what happened and I wait for a reply. Obviously the first thing he says is "you went through my phone!?" at which point i told him not to try and turn it around and we can discuss that after but right now I want some answers. So he starts freaking out and telling me that he was wasted when he got home and only texted her because she works at the bar they were at and she was giving them free shots all night. Which isn't really a reason to text someone but whatever so I told him that why has he never mentioned anything about her and he told me the whole story of how shes now a druggie and he hates her but shes always around and tries to talk to him and she shows up to places when we go out because shes friends with some of his friends (which means his ex hung out with us without me knowing) and he never told me because he can't make her disappear and he didn't want me to feel uncomfortable knowing she was there and the only reason he ever answers to her texts is if he needs a hook up with pain killers (he hurt his back badly a few months ago) because shes the only one he knows that has a connect. he even started tearing and saying that even years later she's still messing up his life and he doesn't want to lose me and he couldnt believe it either when he saw those texts in the morning and regretted it immediately etc etc blah blah blah................. so it took all night of talking and obviously I had to admit to looking through his phone which to him was always a huge thing and hes always said if you want to see anything just ask because I never hide anything from you etc. so we were both in the wrong and obv him more, and without me saying anything he blocked her on facebook and deleted her number, even tho i told him that doesn't mean much to me. but I don't know if I did the right thing in forgiving him because she's always going to be a thought in the back of my mind now and she lives three houses down from him for gods sake. He seemed really sincere in all he said, but I just don't know...i trusted him so much not to do anything like this and now that trust is broken. But I still trust that he's a good person because I know him very well. What do you guys think, should I forgive and forget just this once? Nothing actually happened and he tried to make it clear that nothing would have happened because he was literally incoherent/passing out in bed when he was texting her and even if she came he wouldn't have opened the door. I'm still not sure I did the right thing though.... Edited October 7, 2011 by MiaColletus
Cee Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Your boyfriend using his ex-girlfriend as a connection for pain killers is a massive red flag to me. In my book, that is an automatic deal breaker. I have experience with narcotic addicts and the "friendships" they develop is about procuring drugs. Even if he doesn't have a drug addiction, he is abusing drugs. Using percocet/vicodin without a prescription is a dangerous thing to do. On top of it, he admits his ex is a drug addict. Instead of encouraging her to go to rehab, he buys pills off of her. Disgusting. You can do better than this.
Lilmisus Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 If this were me, this would be a sign of "what else has he been hiding from me?" and raise a few more red flags along with demolish a huge chunk of trust I had in the guy. Sure, he seems like a good guy, but I agree with Cee that if he's going to her for pain killers (instead of the doctor or even someone else), than that's not a good sign at all. Also, the fact that he tried to hook up with her on one drunk night also points out that he has had the thoughts of cheating on you and has tried to make up excuses as to why it was logical to not tell you anything. I mean come on...she asked about you and he asked the question "why should it matter?" instead of anything that points to him being more innocent. If I were you, I'd take some time to think about whether or not you can really trust him in the future and if you can trust that he wont try to do something like this again. If the answer is no or even maybe, strongly consider dumping the dude.
Country_Girl Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 By the way, you do realize that when he said "that didn't matter two weeks ago why matter now", he meant that they had sex at that time, right? Or do you honestly believe she just came over to give him painkillers? Don't get fooled by the teary eyed bullsh*t. THIS. That's exactly what I thought when I read that line. OP, he cheated on you. I don't condone snooping but often times we are lead to that by our inner gut when we suspect that something is not right. You said you've never done this before, and the fact that you did shows that something didn't sit right with you. I would drop him.
Lobouspo Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 You have to look at the big picture. Is this someone you will be able to trust down the road? It seems to me this thing will always be in the back of your mind, even if you work through it.
Author MiaColletus Posted October 9, 2011 Author Posted October 9, 2011 I thought the same thing, that saying "that didn't matter two weeks ago was suspicious and I specifically asked him what that line meant and told him what it seemed like it meant, and he said that he was wasted/didnt know what he was saying and he thinks he probably said that because she's always asking him to chill and never seemed to care about the fact that he has a gf, and I really want to believe that, but I just don't know.... Problem is that he really is very genuine and a good boyfriend and our lives are so entwined and its hard to let go everything we have when I'm not completely sure what happened.... I don't want to be stupid and naive but I do want to give him a second chance. I don't know, what do u guys think about second chances?
udolipixie Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I thought the same thing, that saying "that didn't matter two weeks ago was suspicious and I specifically asked him what that line meant and told him what it seemed like it meant, and he said that he was wasted/didnt know what he was saying and he thinks he probably said that because she's always asking him to chill and never seemed to care about the fact that he has a gf, and I really want to believe that, but I just don't know.... Problem is that he really is very genuine and a good boyfriend and our lives are so entwined and its hard to let go everything we have when I'm not completely sure what happened.... I don't want to be stupid and naive but I do want to give him a second chance. I don't know, what do u guys think about second chances? Give them to people who would give you a second chance. See if the situations were reversed if he'd do the same. Sucks to say but most guys would not be giving a second chance to a girl who cheated on them. That it didn't matter two weeks ago probably wasn't in reference about her bugging him to hang out since she doesn't care he has a gf. It's not a hey we hung out two weeks ago and you being his gf didn't matter then situation. If it was then why would she text what about your gf. Sucks to say but this girl thinks more about you than your very genuine & good bf. Also think about it...he runs in circles saying he tries to avoid her and do this when he could have just blocked & not respond to her calls. If he really wanted to get her out of his life that she just keeps intruding on he could have just blocked her and changed his number. That text you posted doesn't seem to show her pushing herself into his life.
Author MiaColletus Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 All good points. To be fair, most of the text messages in his phone were her texting him to chill with no response. They've been going on for a long long time. Then again, he could have deleted his responses. In any case, I have male friends that I hang out with as well that he never comments on, and a few months ago through a weird accident I got sick with mono and he didn't even think twice that I may have cheated on him (which I didn't) even though his guy friends told him it was suspicious. Obviously there are other ways to get mono and that doesn't really count as a second chance but he did have complete trust in me. That's why this is so hard, he's perfect in every thing else that he does. This is the first weird, sketchy thing in our relationship...Plus, that same night without me asking anything he blocked her off facebook and his phone....
WhiteChocolate Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 I think you did the right thing. And I would keep him, you guys seem to be able to work through these things together. When people are drunk, they do random **** that they would never do otherwise. Since he blocked her without you asking, he seems sincere about avoiding her...
Author MiaColletus Posted October 10, 2011 Author Posted October 10, 2011 thanks, I hope so as well. He seemed very depressed about me losing my trust in him and he's worked hard to try and get it back. Obviously it won't be that easy but I haven't let on that I don't trust him and he's been pretty affectionate lately and kind of even grateful that I forgave him. Hopefully this wasn't a mistake...
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