Buttercup84 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 While at first things were really good , my ex's true colours showed . He knew how much I loved him , despite that I do not have as much money as he does , I bought him little gifts and was there for him during hard times. He never said nice things about me to his friends , even admitted to it.He said it was because I wasn't nice. He even showed his work friend a picture I send him while he was doing a late shift at work.It was just a cleavage shot , just as a joke . No nudity. He is 31 years old and we were together for 2 years and he got annoyed when I said I was upset he showed his friend. He just got so angry and thought about breaking up with me.He said sorry the next morning. So in the end after he dumped me , I looked into his email ( stupid I know ) as for a long time I suspected something was suss. I saw that he was exchanging emails with a friend of his , subject " The Plan" I just saw that my ex said he started looking for girls on this dating site on Thursday ( which was a day before we broke up.That night he said he was too tired to pick me up from the station after work , when I was going to bring us home some dinner.It was cold and pouring rain and dark ) He said he already sent 6 girls "kisses" on that site and said he will give me the break up speech soon. His friend said he should show me the exit door and I do not respect him.I called my ex after I read it and my ex said he only signed up because his friend is single and needs help finding a girl.Also from what I saw , he had that dating profile all this time. I remember asking him when we were together which dating site he was on when he met his ex , he said he didn't remember.Now I know why. Yes I know he is an ******* and I should be glad that I am rid of him.But after our break up he acted all sweet and caring , being worried about me and saying sorry he broke my heart. I had a breakdown after he ended it , he knows that.He knew I went to hospital and had a crisis team come to my place as I had such bad anxiety attacks. In my opinion he just felt guilty and was worried he would get in big **** if I killed myself or something. Yeah he did have good sides but he is still a dick. What I want to know is how a person could do that to another ? he knew how much I loved him , yet he spoke so badly about me and emotionally cheated on me. I was cold towards him when we first met , but later explained that I was just scared and I did tell him I loved him first.He went from a sweet , loving person to a jerk. I mean , if you fall out of love with someone it is something you can not avoid. But does that mean it is Ok to be so cruel ? and lie like that ? I could never do that to someone.Ever. Maybe I am naive but how can someone live with themselvs like that ?
immitable Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 So sorry this happened to you, You should definately forget him, imo he never loved you, unfortunately, you just let him string you along. I know it takes time to heal, it is taking an awful lot of time for me as well, but you know and we all know that you deserve someone who treates you the way you want. Please look inside yourself, you are strong, you don't need or any future relationship to define you. You are who you are and if you love yourself enough the others will to. Take care
sleepykitten Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Darling Buttercup-I wish I knew what makes people so cruel and say and do the things they do. You sound like a lovely person so i can only assume that your ex is just a total prick. A bit like mine, he went from being lovely and pulling out all the stops to get me, then a yr later totally changed, and after break up became even worse. Breaks my heart too to think he could move on and be with someone a few days later and string me along at the same time. I wish he would just show some sort of remorse as it makes me feel like i was nothing to him. But why should I care now, i dont want him back, just cant believe like you people we love can treat us with such disregard. I think simply, there are some great people, lovely kind compassionate people who even if they dont want to be in a relationship would bow out with some grace and dignity , and then,there are our ex's....!
shayla Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I don't understand the cruelty either. I will never understand the way people can act toward someone they claim to love.
Mack05 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Buttercup I had the same problems at the end of my last relationship. How could that sweet loving affectionate girl turn so cruel, cold and heartless. It really is a better pill to swallow. Sometimes we have questions that will never be answered no matter how often we think about trying to come up with solutions for them, or justifying our ex's actions in our heads. We think to ourselves, I could could never do that so how can a person I love, trusted, saw a future with and had so many special moments with do something like that? It's hard to accept but these people are not the people we thought they were. Maybe they were signs in the relationship that we simply ignored. Let's be honest in both our relatioships they were for both of us butter. "The fact is you need to accept that you have been with someone whose approach to life is simply incompatible to yours. Perhaps it was evident that you thought in different ways, saw the world differently, and operated on irreconcilable differences but you chose to ignore it or worked hard to correct it. You can't ignore dissimilar viewpoints any longer. Accept the fact that you think differently and let it go so you can find someone whose way of thinking is compatible with yours." I guarentee you in one year instead of trying to figure out why you ex did this and that, you will get angry at yourself for putting up with his shoddy treatment of you for so long.
Fleabitten Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I really feel for you. I don't understand how people can be so cruel to someone they love or loved. It is so difficult to comprehend that the person that was so wonderful can be the same person as the cruel, cold-hearted one. This guy sounds like a total *********, he really does. Ugh.
mike588 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I know exactly how you feel. I wondered how my ex could be so cruel after I did so much for her. Yesterday I had a melt down, see my thread (Having a relapse, boiling with anger) I just can't wrap my head around it the cruelty. Hang in there,, we'll eventually get better.
Sugarkane Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Buttercup I can completely relate, as the ex that brought me here is the same. I wish he was remotely remorseful, but he never was. My ex has never been the dumpee and doesn't have the maturity or insight to understand. In his mind he did nothing wrong. As long as there's someone else waiting in the wings, that's all they care about? He treated me like crap and insulted me infront of people. But somehow always managed to turn it around and blame me. He really knows how to manipulate someone. then he blamed me and dumped me. I wish I knew the answer too.
shayla Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Buttercup I can completely relate, as the ex that brought me here is the same. I wish he was remotely remorseful, but he never was. My ex has never been the dumpee and doesn't have the maturity or insight to understand. In his mind he did nothing wrong. As long as there's someone else waiting in the wings, that's all they care about? He treated me like crap and insulted me infront of people. But somehow always managed to turn it around and blame me. He really knows how to manipulate someone. then he blamed me and dumped me. I wish I knew the answer too. It was the exact same way for me. He treated me badly for the entire relationship and somehow made it all my fault. Yes I was mean to him....being treated like crap for 3 years makes a person cranky! But yeah, even moreso than his cruelty, I am even more angry at myself for putting up with that foolishness for so long, and going back to him every time he cried and begged me to come back. I will never figure out the reasons for that.
Sugarkane Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 It's hard to accept but these people are not the people we thought they were. I guarentee you in one year instead of trying to figure out why you ex did this and that, you will get angry at yourself for putting up with his shoddy treatment of you for so long. I completely agree.
nini Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Buttercup, I wish I could help you realise how very very very much better you are than this guy, how much you deserve someone who treats you really well...and that YOU have to realise that you're wasting your time on someone completely worthless...yes, he must have been nice and caring and loving at some point...but guess what...a great guy is nice/caring/loving at ALL points and doesnt justify acting like a jerk ever...and you deserve that great guy not this on and off guy... You know..after my breakup...I went through exactly the same shock and disbelief...how can this guy who treated me like a complete princess for 4 years not give a toss about me, my feelings etc at all....how can he be so cruel? But guess what I've realised? If he's cruel, in fact whatever he is/was/will be...thats his problem and his worry....NOT MINE! My concern is ME! I cannot judge/ control his actions or what he does and where he goes, but I CAN control me! - I am determined, to learn from MY mistakes (rather than focus on his), - I am determined to be a better person (I've realised my communication in that relationship was &%^$), - I am determined to be a more confident person (so my future man's ex cannot make me feel insecure) - I am determined to make the most of my days today and my relationships today because tomorrow is not guaranteed! You know, when my mind wanders and goes back to the past and starts thinking about all the things that were good, that could be better, my regrets, his mistakes etc etc...I stop myself...and I fantasize about my future self...the girl who is going to be amazing to her guy...communicate and talk to him when she feels something rather than start crying for 8 hours non-stop, the girl who'll make an effort to listen to her guy's problems rather than wondering in her head 'God, he moans a lot'...because that is ALL I CAN CONTROL..ME! Please Buttercup...I know how hard it is...but take baby steps...try and forget...when you start thinking about how cruel he is...tell yourself 'Yeah he was very cruel, guess we're all human and deal with things the best we can, he probably has his own reasons/pain/problems to act the way he is, and I pray for him that he will find peace and happiness, because we all deserve it" You cannot make sense of his cruelty...but you don't have to...just accept it as part of life, part of relationships, and part of human nature... I wish I could come over to you and take you shopping and out for a good lunch to take your mind off him...please do something nice for yourself today...go for a walk, swim, coffee, anything... Sorry I have rambled a bit, am at work and manager keeps coming over! Booo!!
Mack05 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Buttercup, I wish I could help you realise how very very very much better you are than this guy, how much you deserve someone who treats you really well...and that YOU have to realise that you're wasting your time on someone completely worthless...yes, he must have been nice and caring and loving at some point...but guess what...a great guy is nice/caring/loving at ALL points and doesnt justify acting like a jerk ever...and you deserve that great guy not this on and off guy... You know..after my breakup...I went through exactly the same shock and disbelief...how can this guy who treated me like a complete princess for 4 years not give a toss about me, my feelings etc at all....how can he be so cruel? But guess what I've realised? If he's cruel, in fact whatever he is/was/will be...thats his problem and his worry....NOT MINE! My concern is ME! I cannot judge/ control his actions or what he does and where he goes, but I CAN control me! - I am determined, to learn from MY mistakes (rather than focus on his), - I am determined to be a better person (I've realised my communication in that relationship was &%^$), - I am determined to be a more confident person (so my future man's ex cannot make me feel insecure) - I am determined to make the most of my days today and my relationships today because tomorrow is not guaranteed! You know, when my mind wanders and goes back to the past and starts thinking about all the things that were good, that could be better, my regrets, his mistakes etc etc...I stop myself...and I fantasize about my future self...the girl who is going to be amazing to her guy...communicate and talk to him when she feels something rather than start crying for 8 hours non-stop, the girl who'll make an effort to listen to her guy's problems rather than wondering in her head 'God, he moans a lot'...because that is ALL I CAN CONTROL..ME! Please Buttercup...I know how hard it is...but take baby steps...try and forget...when you start thinking about how cruel he is...tell yourself 'Yeah he was very cruel, guess we're all human and deal with things the best we can, he probably has his own reasons/pain/problems to act the way he is, and I pray for him that he will find peace and happiness, because we all deserve it" You cannot make sense of his cruelty...but you don't have to...just accept it as part of life, part of relationships, and part of human nature... I wish I could come over to you and take you shopping and out for a good lunch to take your mind off him...please do something nice for yourself today...go for a walk, swim, coffee, anything... Sorry I have rambled a bit, am at work and manager keeps coming over! Booo!! Who is this strong lady and what have you done with Nini?
lymtal1 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 bc, i have been out here on LS now for about four months. i have followed your story on and off. you seem to be very sweet and very sincere. i think that your question is one that many ask and unfortunately there is no good answer for it. individuals have personalities that come out that we don't expect. his behavior was i am thinking nothing like this at the begining of your relationship. all you noticed was the great qualities of him. we never realize the bad until things change or the true person emerges. the one thing that you have to take solace in is that there is nothing that you could have done differently. what you will find is that after the "honemoon" period we tend to really see the real person. it is unfortunate that this is the case but it is. you fell for something that was not real. so how can someone be so cruel? this is who they really are. this is their true personality. he gave you just enough of the good to hook you and once he had you, his true colors came out. this does not reflect on you at all. bottom line is some people are just flat out bad people. we don't recognize till we are emotionally involved with them. any part of him showing you kindness after the b/u or him being nice is nothing more than a lie. it was not projected towards you in actuality, this was totally for him. don't let that fool you. what he did to you is inexcusable and should help you with your healing and moving forward. yes it will take time to remove the feelings you had for him because you are that kind of person. you are real. he is fake. turn that into a powerful source of strength and know him for who he really is. for me, when i realized that for a long time i was living in a lie, it helped. helped me gain a perspective of who she really was, and knowing that, i could beging to really move on. how can we love and care for someone who is not real? the bottom line at this point is it does not matter. you recognize who they are, acknowledge it and let it go. when you can get to this point you start to make it about you and not him, he doesn't matter any longer. stop wasting your time trying to figure out what you really know. he is not worthy of the time you are wasting thinking about him. what your focus is now is you. i think i hate this wording but the truth is, it is what it is. time to let it go. you are too sweet to let this get you where you are. time to find someone that will treat you as you deserve. someone that will treat you as you would treat them. that is what you are looking for. they will show up when you least expect it. and you know this:)
nini Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Who is this strong lady and what have you done with Nini? Hehe I know (blush)...shocked myself a bit there!! But seriously, I never thought this day would come (though I still have lows) but like 90% highs and maybe 10% lows...maybe even less, maybe 5% And its all thanks to you Mack, and my 2 most amazing flatmates...I feel so blessed...I have met soooo many kind people since my breakup and its so true that when one door closes, another opens...I just had to stop looking at the closed door and look ahead.. Oh and I love this song: Watch me Shine by Joanna Pacitti
yessy21 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I hope you see this in a different light. in a positive outcome. Dont be sad. Dont be. I know how you feel. i loved someone that way too and they left me there to burn. But in time you will see that you took something with you the moment that relationship ended. when you meet someone else ... it may take time... years even... but when you do... you will know what you want and dont want... you will see red flags when something is unappropiate and last but not least... your strength that was built from that pain... will make your words sharp enough to call people out on their sh*t. Now cry... laugh... and watch the simpsons.
oldguy Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 What I want to know is how a person could do that to another ? But does that mean it is Ok to be so cruel ? and lie like that ? I could never do that to someone.Ever. No, it's not ok to treat people like that. You are a much better person than he is & when you are ready to move on should work hard to avoid people like this & concentrate on finding people who are like minded. There are plenty out there, there just not as load so you have to be more aware & look harder. You will will do well. Good luck.
Sugarkane Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Buttercup mine did the same and it still doesn't make any sense to me. You know that they have to turn everything around on us and blame us, coz they're complete cowards. They live in some alternate universe I'm sure, where nothing is their fault and they're the victim. My other ex contacted me several months later. He treated me like garbage and stood me up. He still blamed everything on me though! Trust me these people don't change at all. It's a pity you're not in Melbourne.
Sugarkane Posted October 19, 2011 Posted October 19, 2011 Buttercup anyone that goes Jekyll and Hyde on you, has no intregrity. Believe the Hyde, not the Jekyll.
Author Buttercup84 Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Buttercup mine did the same and it still doesn't make any sense to me. You know that they have to turn everything around on us and blame us, coz they're complete cowards. They live in some alternate universe I'm sure, where nothing is their fault and they're the victim. My other ex contacted me several months later. He treated me like garbage and stood me up. He still blamed everything on me though! Trust me these people don't change at all. It's a pity you're not in Melbourne. Yes , I remember your story, our exs are morons. And they are always the " victim" after our breakup suddenly he said I should not blame it all on me , it isn't just me etc. But while we were together he said it was all my fault.Weirdo. I know ! It would be great to have a friend who knows how it feels right now I am planning a visit there soon so who knows we could sit in a cafe and cry together then later go and break something hehe.xx
Author Buttercup84 Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 No, it's not ok to treat people like that. You are a much better person than he is & when you are ready to move on should work hard to avoid people like this & concentrate on finding people who are like minded. There are plenty out there, there just not as load so you have to be more aware & look harder. You will will do well. Good luck. Thank you Guy , I think I really need to do that x
Author Buttercup84 Posted October 19, 2011 Author Posted October 19, 2011 Thank you everyone for your replies. It is so nice to know I can come here to " talk " all your replies put a smile on my face and have given me extra strength thank you xxx
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