John bishop Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Hey guys, I'm new to the forums. I'll try to make this as brief as possible. But we all know each of our stories could be entire book long it we truly let it all out so as I stated previously I'll try to make it short. When I was 17- I met this girl through a friend. I actually didn't care for her that much and neither did she I. But strangely enough enemies fell in love. She stayed with my parents and I for 3 1/2 years of here college so that she didnt have to pay out of state fees. She lives 7 hrs away. Her family also doesn't have a lot of money. But I loved her to death and treated her horribly for 3 1/2 years. I struggled with extreme depression which caused me to be suicidal, negative, and even borderline insane at times. She was a major in physiology so she of course understood and kindly confronted me on the issue. I furiously refussed to listen and just got worse and worse. She finally left me once she had graduated...she even stayed with me longer during the summer and got a job near me in a desperate hope I would change. But I didn't. I became verbally vilant and threated to harm her family if she didnt do what I said. (Please note I have recieved tons of help since then and accept for missing her with all my heart I'm ok.) She left in tears and I didn't know that she was leaving for good. She talked to me on the phone a few more times once she was home and thats when I threatened her family if she didnt come back. She had to call the police and they threatened to put a restraining order on me if I didn't leave her alone. I cried myself to sleep in agony night and day for a over a year after she was gone. So bad I would stuff a rag in my mouth so no one would hear me scream and a lot of the time it had blood on it an hour later once I had no strength left. I lost 60 lbs. 20 of which I needed to gain back and have. Every time I've tried to talke to her she avoids me at every turn. I finally gave up about a year ago. So it has been 2 years since last month that I've even heard her voice. I dated other women but all in vein. I hate them all. They will never make me feel complete the way she did. Her family hates me for what i did to her... She is with some other guy...I ty so hard just to tell myself if she is happy Im happy or at least I wont ruin her happiness again. She has cut off all ties and blocked everyone and anyone who could contact her through. I've often dreamed of driving to her and falling to my knees in agonizing tears begging her to see that I'm not the disturbed young man I use to be. I'm so incomplete without her.I'm almost 23 now and she is 24. There is a year and nine months between us...I always loved an older woman. I dont know what to do with out her. I hate every day and every breath I breath without her by my side. She is soooooo beautiful. She was my best friend and I'm still in love with my best friend. Please help!
EgoJoe Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 You've been hanging on to this shame for a long time. I think it's time to move past it and the bargaining phase. Nothing you do will bring her back. You have hurt this woman. Work on yourself visibly and if you ever get a chance demonstrate it to her. Respect her, her new relationship and her space. Walk with your head held high you can change to be better all you must possess is the drive.
broken-and-lost Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 reading this makes me really sad for you. I've been where you are and am still missing my ex, i lost her through depression too i never threatened her or anything like that was more moods and not wanting to do anything at times and rejecting her through my actions but underlying cause was depression and not her. I can tell you know all you can do is work on yourself and try to improve your life for you, nothing you can do or will do will ever bring her back into your life it will only prolong your pain i'm actually crying writing this as it reminds me of what i lost and how cruel something like depression can be. My best advice fro someone who has been there and lost the love of his life is that your only 23 and have a lot of time on your hands to meet someone in the future who will if you control your depression will over you with all there hearts. Make sure you remember how your feeling today 2 years later and how much pain it's caused you and don't ever let depression control your life. I'm 37 and it's the worst feeling in the world to think i might have blown my last chance at something special and to have to watch her moving on knowing deep down that's not what she wanted but i left her no choice is hell don't allow this to happen to you again. I really wish you well really do try and work on this and remember not to take the people who care about you for granted they are not responsible for your problems you are.
Mack05 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 John I am with Ego here. When you push a woman too far and she leaves you, an emotional wall comes up and that is never coming down. There is NOTHING you can do to win her back. All you can do now is forgive yourself for your mistakes and focus on the future. You will love again but only when you start loving yourself and that right now seems a long way off.
Author John bishop Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Thank you all so much! I know your all correct in your advise and I'm trying to forgive myself for what I've done but it never seems to end. The guilt and memory of what I've done lingers ever so present in my mind. I still live in the same house with my parents where this whole relationship grew and fell apart and everything around here reminds me of her. I feel I need to move away and start a new life somewhere else. Not that I think that running away from my problems helps I just think a whole new world would help give me the modivation to try harder and give me the feeling of having a fresh new start. Idk. Thank you all so much for listening and helping. It means so much to know people I've never met actually care.
Chi townD Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Thank you all so much! I know your all correct in your advise and I'm trying to forgive myself for what I've done but it never seems to end. The guilt and memory of what I've done lingers ever so present in my mind. I still live in the same house with my parents where this whole relationship grew and fell apart and everything around here reminds me of her. I feel I need to move away and start a new life somewhere else. Not that I think that running away from my problems helps I just think a whole new world would help give me the modivation to try harder and give me the feeling of having a fresh new start. Idk. Thank you all so much for listening and helping. It means so much to know people I've never met actually care. Dude, you need to be single and work on you. I don't mean this in a bad way, but...YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP!! Please, please go see a therapist. You will not be able to love anyone else until you're able to love yourself. You can say you're trying to forgive yourself, but if your not making any progress in fixing your own self worth, your never going to be able to. Here's the rub, you screwed up badly. You treated her like crap, you threatened her and your threatened her family. You burnt that bridge to the ground and stomped on the ambers. That's a lost cause. SO, you need to chalk it up to lessons learned. You've realized that you've screwed up badly, that's a start. Now, take what you've learned and try to fix the problem. Perphaps, after a time, once you've got a handle on your life. Maybe you can write the family a letter and apologize for your behavior. I wouldn't write her. It would only fall on deaf ears.
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