Lonely Lover Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 My ex and I have been on and off for two years now, ever since I moved to my new city. Because of his last relationship, he never was able to really commit. For example, he never told anyone living in our town that we were together, never talked about a future, and never called me his girlfriend. Even with that, he was the most important thing in my life. These two years have been terrible to me as far as work, health, money, and making friends are concerned, but he was my rock. Every single other person I've met here has let me down, but not him. We broke up periodically when I couldn't handle the secrecy & feeling like we were never going anywhere, but we always ended up back together. Even when we weren't together romantically we saw each other almost every day, and were like family. About 18 months ago he had to leave town for 4 months because of family trouble, & told me not to wait for him. We Skyped almost every day, but I knew I had to try to move on from this guy--he'd already told me he didn't want a relationship with me! In an attempt to move on I had a one-night stand with a guy I barely knew. It felt like a great escape for maybe a week, but as time passed I regretted it more & more. Then two months later, before my ex came back, I started dating a guy. My ex knew about my new boyfriend but convinced me to give it another shot with him. I did, but I never told him about the one night stand I had had months earlier. I was ashamed, and I didn't think it was his business anyway. Tonight, as we were just starting to think about getting back together again, he borrowed my laptop. Well, guess what, I had a random paragraph in my computer (on which I keep a journal of sorts) that made explicit (very complimentary) detail of the one night stand. He was furious I had lied to him. He saw other things too, which made him think I was planning to get back together with a long-ago ex. It isn't true, but of course there is no way to prove that to someone, and I have to say that I wouldn't have had some of the conversations with the long-ago ex if I were in a relationship with someone. Anyway, he is done with me, completely, no more friendship, no more talking. I am suddenly completely alone here, he was like my family here and now he wants nothing to do with me. I'm heartbroken, I would do anything for his friendship again.... Of course I would love more but I know it will never happen. To make it worse he works in the same very small company I do.... I'll have to see him every day, and I know that when he's over someone, he is like ice. No warmth, no anger, just completely indifferent. I don't know how I'm not going to break down and cry when I see him tomorrow, and next week, and the week after. I'm so tempted to leave this damn city, give up my career, and go back to my hometown with my tail tucked between my legs. Does anyone have any advice? I'm broken here, and have nobody to turn to. All the advice sights say to spend time with your friends when going through a breakup. Well, he was the only person I would have considered a friend.
R32 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 When my ex cheated on me, I found out the same way. I didn't want anything to do with her, yet she was persistent. All I wanted was some time alone. Give him a few weeks to cool off. In the end, my ex respected my wishes and left me alone until I was ready to talk to her. If he's not willing to work things out with you, save yourself the heartache and don't be friends.
Author Lonely Lover Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 The thing is, I didn't really cheat on him. We never were explicitly exclusive, ever in these two years, even though I acted like we were (as did he) whenever we were going through phases of being physically intimate. And when I slept with the guy, my ex had explicitly told me not to wait for him, and hadn't changed his mind for a good two months. I know it's no excuse because it did hurt him and I regret it, but I want to clarify that. I never cheated. He came over this morning, mostly just to yell at me. He gave back every gift I've given him over the years, and wanted me to give him back the more intimate gifts he's given me. He really tore me down.... My choice in friendships was a big topic--we are both used to deep, meaningful friendships, and both of us have failed to find even one of them here, except in each other--the only difference between us being that I'd rather have shallow friends than none at all, and he'd prefer to be alone than with someone who he can't count on. He was also angry that I had told a couple fairly distant friends about a medical procedure I considered very private. The procedure went wrong and made me very, very sick for 10 days. During that time I needed someone there with me pretty much constantly. My ex being himself, dropped everything to take care of me. These other people didn't care, didn't do more than send a text or two asking me how I was doing. I didn't tell him I had told these acquaintances, not because I was hiding anything, just because I didn't think about it. He said I used him, that I took advantage of him for those days. It didn't feel like that to me, I was always so grateful for how much he helped me, and I told him I could never repay his kindness, but that I knew I wouldn't have made it without him. I feel like complete, utter crap now. I'm questioning every last one of my values, and the only person I normally can turn to for guidance considers me the meanest person he's ever met here (and oh boy, that's saying a lot).
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