lostanddark Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Just typing this makes me sick. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. He was my high school sweethart. We have no children. I thought I had the perfect husband. I thought he'd never ben unfaithful. He started having an affair about a year ago. I found out after only 3 months. I was so hurt! I couldn't function... I demanded he end it but he refused. Told me he loved her and wasn't leaving her. I begged, got angry, tried everything to keep him from walking out on me. But he left and went to be with her. I promised him everything to try to keep him at home. BUt he didn't care at all. All he wanted was her. When he was gone I lost 30 lbs, I almost lost my job, I couldn't take care of myself. He didn't care. He was so angry that I wouldn't just get over him. Two months later he came back. He told me he wanted to give me my life back, that he was sorry he hurt me and didn't want to ruin my life. I thought he was sincere. I was living with my sister at the time and he was at home and he said it was over between him and OW and he wanted to take things very slow with us. I was so scared. I told him this. I cried most of the time. I wanted to come home right away but he encouraged me to stay with my sister longer. Every time I wanted to come home he made excuses. He would come see me at my sister's and I would come home to visit I guess. Would only stay a few hours because my husband got irritible and acted like he didn't want me around. He would get antsy like he couldn't wait for me to leave. 3 weeks later I came home for good. That was 3 months ago. My husband promised he wasn't having any contact with OW. But since I have been back home my husband has NOT ONCE told me he loves me. He won't say it. I don't want to push him but I need to hear it. He just says take it slow... He has never once hugged me. He doesn't ever touch me. Won't kiss me, won't even sleep in the same bed. He sleeps on the couch. Of course we've never had sex. We havent had sex ever since he started seeing OW. Its not that I want to have sex but I need him to hold me, to tell me he loves me and he won't. At first he got mad at the time and we argued. Lately it has been calmer but he's like living with a stranger. None of this is the worst part though. About two months ago he came to me and told me that OW is pregnant. At first he said he was talking her into an abortion because he doesnt want kids and neither does she. I am devastated. Now everyone will know my husband cheated if there is a child. I say she did it on purpose! He says she did not. And the horrible WORST part is that she got pregnant during the time he and I were supposed to be working things out. When he said he had no contact with her. I found out (thru her) that they were seeing eachother the whole time!!! THat he didn't want me to come home because was spending nights with her. She says he was going to leave me again, that he wanted me to see that our marriage wasn't worth working out so I would be better off without him. I don't believe her but before I found out she was pregnant, my husband did try to talk me into getting a divorce. I told the OW that I am NOT going anywhere. That if she has the kid i will be the stepmother and she will have to worry about what happens. That she will not WIN. My husband will stay with me. He says he will stay. I am terrified that he is still seeing her though. I have no proof but he just has no interest in working things out. HE is nicer to me, as in not yelling but still refuses to say I love you, won't hug me, won't sleep next to me. he is perfectly content with us living like roommates. I am sick with worry. I know that he doesn't want this kid and the OW is stupid to think she could trap him with a child. He says he will support it. I blocked her number from calling his cell and he got mad at me because he said she needs to be able to talk to him.. Lately there have been no calls though. I don't see why they need to talk. I thnk he should cut off all contact with OW until the child is born and then he can just send a check. I will NOT let her win. I will stay with my husband and eventually I hope he will come around. I am angry though because not once will he say that OW is a mistake, that he regrets what he did with her. He says he is sorry he hurt me but he will not say he hates OW or regrets any of it. And he knows I need to hear that. Can a marriage survive when OW has a child with your husband? I am not sure I can handle seeing the product of his cheating. I really don't want him to ever have contact with OW again. He treated me like **** he can treat her badly for once. I will not let hm go and the fact that I am willing to help him raise the child should show him that I am giving a sacrafice because I still love him. Is there any hope for us? He will not go to counseling, he will not get STD testing. says he doesnt' need any of it. I have no idea what to do.
xxoo Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Let go of the winning and losing. The OW has her life to live, and you have yours. Live your life. Make choices that create YOUR best life, with no regard to how the OW will interpret your choice. This marriage is a very negative place for you, with little chance of it getting better. Walk away with your head held high.
alexandria35 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 If this post is for real then I say you're husband is no prize and if I were you I wouldn't be so determined to "win" him. Your post doesn't read like you love your husband, it reads like you are desperate to not to let the OW have him. Like your very self worth depends on weather or not he chooses you. Meanwhile you are only hurting and demeaning yourself by desperately holding on to him. Seek therapy. You are not seeing the situation clearly. Your husband was cruel to come back to you with a secret agenda and if this is for real than I do feel bad for you. However you have got to stop using guilt and neediness to manipulate your husband into staying in the marriage. It only feeds his feelings of wanting to end the marriage and get away from you. Your actions are working against you, not for you.
oldguy Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 My wife's first husband did exactly the same thing. In fact this sounds a lot like her story; long term marriage, no kids, husband cheated, fell in love with OW & got her, (OW) pregnant. I'll cut to the chase; There marriage lasted in turmoil for a couple of years, her ex began playing one against the other, during that time my wife discovered her ex had at least 3 other affairs, mostly short term. She said the whole thing took on a life of it's own until one day she began to 'come out of the fog' as she puts it & realized clearly, her situation. To make what is getting long short; a lot of her anger was with how she had allowed someone to treat her so badly & with her self for what she had allowed. She divorced him, obviously, we met within a year of her divorce & married two years later & have been happily married for several years. In hindsight her perception is similar to many; "She can't believe she stayed, stuck it such a ridiculousness mess for as long as she did, she can't believe how low she allowed her self esteem to slip or the life style she endured". That I can relate to also. You have no kids, he has professed his love for this OW, KICK HIS SORRY ARSS TO THE CURB! You deserve better. The pain your feeling being in this situation isn't any worse than what you will go through divorcing him. The difference is; if you leave him, move on & better your lot in life, thing will get better. Best of luck to you
oldguy Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 (edited) duplicate post, sorry Edited October 7, 2011 by oldguy
PhoenixRise Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Just typing this makes me sick. My husband and I have been married for 16 years. He was my high school sweethart. We have no children. I thought I had the perfect husband. I thought he'd never ben unfaithful. He started having an affair about a year ago. I found out after only 3 months. I was so hurt! I couldn't function... I demanded he end it but he refused. Told me he loved her and wasn't leaving her. I begged, got angry, tried everything to keep him from walking out on me. But he left and went to be with her. I promised him everything to try to keep him at home. BUt he didn't care at all. All he wanted was her. When he was gone I lost 30 lbs, I almost lost my job, I couldn't take care of myself. He didn't care. He was so angry that I wouldn't just get over him. Two months later he came back. He told me he wanted to give me my life back, that he was sorry he hurt me and didn't want to ruin my life. I thought he was sincere. I was living with my sister at the time and he was at home and he said it was over between him and OW and he wanted to take things very slow with us. I was so scared. I told him this. I cried most of the time. I wanted to come home right away but he encouraged me to stay with my sister longer. Every time I wanted to come home he made excuses. He would come see me at my sister's and I would come home to visit I guess. Would only stay a few hours because my husband got irritible and acted like he didn't want me around. He would get antsy like he couldn't wait for me to leave. 3 weeks later I came home for good. That was 3 months ago. My husband promised he wasn't having any contact with OW. But since I have been back home my husband has NOT ONCE told me he loves me. He won't say it. I don't want to push him but I need to hear it. He just says take it slow... He has never once hugged me. He doesn't ever touch me. Won't kiss me, won't even sleep in the same bed. He sleeps on the couch. Of course we've never had sex. We havent had sex ever since he started seeing OW. Its not that I want to have sex but I need him to hold me, to tell me he loves me and he won't. At first he got mad at the time and we argued. Lately it has been calmer but he's like living with a stranger. None of this is the worst part though. About two months ago he came to me and told me that OW is pregnant. At first he said he was talking her into an abortion because he doesnt want kids and neither does she. I am devastated. Now everyone will know my husband cheated if there is a child. I say she did it on purpose! He says she did not. And the horrible WORST part is that she got pregnant during the time he and I were supposed to be working things out. When he said he had no contact with her. I found out (thru her) that they were seeing eachother the whole time!!! THat he didn't want me to come home because was spending nights with her. She says he was going to leave me again, that he wanted me to see that our marriage wasn't worth working out so I would be better off without him. I don't believe her but before I found out she was pregnant, my husband did try to talk me into getting a divorce. I told the OW that I am NOT going anywhere. That if she has the kid i will be the stepmother and she will have to worry about what happens. That she will not WIN. My husband will stay with me. He says he will stay. I am terrified that he is still seeing her though. I have no proof but he just has no interest in working things out. HE is nicer to me, as in not yelling but still refuses to say I love you, won't hug me, won't sleep next to me. he is perfectly content with us living like roommates. I am sick with worry. I know that he doesn't want this kid and the OW is stupid to think she could trap him with a child. He says he will support it. I blocked her number from calling his cell and he got mad at me because he said she needs to be able to talk to him.. Lately there have been no calls though. I don't see why they need to talk. I thnk he should cut off all contact with OW until the child is born and then he can just send a check. I will NOT let her win. I will stay with my husband and eventually I hope he will come around. I am angry though because not once will he say that OW is a mistake, that he regrets what he did with her. He says he is sorry he hurt me but he will not say he hates OW or regrets any of it. And he knows I need to hear that. Can a marriage survive when OW has a child with your husband? I am not sure I can handle seeing the product of his cheating. I really don't want him to ever have contact with OW again. He treated me like **** he can treat her badly for once. I will not let hm go and the fact that I am willing to help him raise the child should show him that I am giving a sacrafice because I still love him. Is there any hope for us? He will not go to counseling, he will not get STD testing. says he doesnt' need any of it. I have no idea what to do. Interesting. I wonder why your husband allowed you to move back home if he is so in love with the OW and if he wants a divorce? You were out of the house and living with your sister? You have No children together? So why tell you that you could move back in and that it was over with OW? Your posts reads a lot like one would expect from an OW posting as a BW based on what the MM told her was going on in the marriage. IF the Original post is true: OP you can rest assured that your husband isn't leaving. If he moved you back into the house he will probaly not divorce you no matter what he tells his OW about the situation. However it sounds like he will continue to cheat. He will keep the marriage and the OW for as long as you both allow it. Whatever he feels for the OW is not enough for him to take the definitive steps necessary to be with her full time and whatever he feels for you is not enough for him to stop cheating. AND from what you have posted OW should be very concerned about you spending any time with her child.
MissBee Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 the simplest way to keep her from "winning" is to let her have him. Your husband is treating you badly...yo don't deserve that kind of treatment. Contact a divorce lawyer and find out what your options are ( don't tell your husband about it until,after you have met with the lawyer) and then when you have the legal information you need , let your husband know what you have done and that you want him to go and be with her. Tell her this too. he'll just keep treating you badly as long as you allow it...stop allowing it. best of luck to you, and I hope things get better. I agree. Love isn't about winners and losers and fighting over a man.... Love is to be given freely because that person loves you too and respects you and wants to be with you. This OW is not taking him away, he is treating you badly and has willfully been doing what he's doing. Sorry to say, but at this point NEITHER of you have a prized catch in him. It would be one thing if he seemed remorseful but from the sound of it, he could care less, isn't showing you affection....so you "sacrificing" isn't showing him a darn thing except that he can do as he wishes as you'll accept ANYTHING! Every woman (and man) deserves someone who loves her, whom she KNOWS loves her because his actions and words show it. She shouldn't have to fight or compete for his love or live a life of suspicion that at any second he is betraying her....you don't deserve that.
MissBee Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Is it too late for the OW to have an abortion? I would call her up, separately from your husband, and have a frank discussion with her. If necessary, you could offer to pay her some money to have the abortion in addition to whatever it actually costs to have it done. For example, tell her you will give her $1,000 if she gets the abortion. If she doesn't trust you you could hire an attorney for a couple of hundred dollars to put the funds in his or her escrow account. That way the OW is guaranteed to get the money as long as she gets the abortion. If you have the money, you can negotiate with her a little. It would definitely be worth paying her 5 or 10k to abort, the only question is can you afford it, and whether or not you can negotiate for a better deal. I think this is inappropriate and quite frankly, if I were the OW, I would tell any woman telling me to abort my child where to shove it. That is not a light decision and certainly, while the ENTIRE situation is a mess, it is NOT a decision that the BS can and should make or even try to negotiate with this woman about. Well first if my husband impregnated his OW...welllllllllll....his walking papers would probably be served. But whether I decided to stay or go I would NEVER feel it was right for me to offer to pay this woman to have an abortion, that is just insane to me. The OW is a person too...who my husband may have lied to as well and now she is carrying his child....and as horrible as that is for me, as a woman myself and if I had my own kids, I would never really try to do such a thing.
KathyM Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Why would you want a man like that? He doesn't love you. He doesn't care about your feelings, or he wouldn't have done what he did. Let the bum go. He's not worth fighting for. 1
Lucky_One Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Interesting. I wonder why your husband allowed you to move back home if he is so in love with the OW and if he wants a divorce? You were out of the house and living with your sister? You have No children together? So why tell you that you could move back in and that it was over with OW? Your posts reads a lot like one would expect from an OW posting as a BW based on what the MM told her was going on in the marriage. IF the Original post is true: OP you can rest assured that your husband isn't leaving. If he moved you back into the house he will probaly not divorce you no matter what he tells his OW about the situation. However it sounds like he will continue to cheat. He will keep the marriage and the OW for as long as you both allow it. Whatever he feels for the OW is not enough for him to take the definitive steps necessary to be with her full time and whatever he feels for you is not enough for him to stop cheating. AND from what you have posted OW should be very concerned about you spending any time with her child. Definitely. Matter of fact, this post reminds me of the ones from the OW poster who also posted as the BS - can't remember her name.
thomasb Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Definitely. Matter of fact, this post reminds me of the ones from the OW poster who also posted as the BS - can't remember her name. Absolutely. Too funny. Well I hope she feels better about trying to denegrate the betrayed. No human on earth would accept this sort of behavior. I had my wife read it and she laughed and said it sounded like something my OW would have wrote after I dumped her!
goodthingscome Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 First let me say how sorry I am you are in this situation, none of us signed up for this... I will say this, if my WH had treated me the way your's has, I would be divorced, no doubt about that. You don't deserve his treatment. You didn't do anything wrong, he is seriously ****ED up and why would you want someone like that in your life? LET HIM GO!
y2k Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 First let me say how sorry I am you are in this situation, none of us signed up for this... I will say this, if my WH had treated me the way your's has, I would be divorced, no doubt about that. You don't deserve his treatment. You didn't do anything wrong, he is seriously ****ED up and why would you want someone like that in your life? LET HIM GO! I agree. Great advice. Once a man cheats, it's ground enough for divorce. Why stay with this man?!?!!??!?! Get your life in order without him and start fresh. Hey, maybe you will run into a better man down the road. But you're wasting your life with this man who obviously is a piece of garbage. Let him go!!!!!!
D-Lish Posted October 10, 2011 Posted October 10, 2011 My exH got another woman pregnant, I made the decision to end the marriage immediately. I couldn't have stayed knowing what he'd done. 1
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