round1 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Well I sadly lost my baby. Since he confessed to his wife, it's been like a different man replaced the man I knew. The one who loved me, couldn't let me go, special place in his heart etc..was replaced with a stone hearted stranger. But I understand that the family and business was his life, I knew this. So in head sense, I expect the going-on's of the past few weeks. However I maybe in a very dark place but is it fair to say, this guy is the skum of the earth? I am pregnant with his child n if u read my original post he called to say he will play no part in this child's life. He does not love me, never did. He loved his wife, n had to do what's right for his family, Amazing? So anyway, recently I have been under stress, seein them both, a lot. Also I have just launched mt first business clinic after studying for years, single mum, 2 jobs working my ass off to make a good life..nearly screwed up months of hard work due to my bad relationship choice, and after he confessed all, my launch date, nearly didn't happen..but I scraped through..so yesterday, I had my first full day in clinic..and yup..who is there..mr affair...he walks past me sheepishly and throws me a smile. Ok first mistake..I am livid, angry..because he had not the gods grace to even ask me if n how etc pregnancy was going etc..so I messed up.. I text him to say how dare u..u owe me the respect to ask what the hell is going on. So ..I am then mad at me, because I had been so together and cool, leaving him behind best I could..I was shaking in anger No reply..even more anger..and there I was trying to be professional and kick start my business...next thing...bleeding, miscarriage.. Anyhow..mist of anger I email him to tell him:/ why???? I don't know:( And I just was scared, it wad horrid and I panicked. Anyhow..been in hospital and here I still am. Tired. Emotional. Headfull of thoughts I don't regret telling him, because, I am angry still and I am utterly disappointed in him. Who is he, that's the question I keep asking me. Why ? I did nothing but love him n be there. He loved me back, it wad him Who wouldn't let go. I gave him a million chances to end things if he wasn't sure, but he said he didn't regret the affair ever n never will because what he found in me. I'm so lost now. He used me to feel good is my conclusion. He was clearly in need of attention n emotional love. And why should I go through this in silence, I know Nc is best way, but wow, I couldn't, it's shocking that he would want to treat me this way, and a million miles from the man I knew. I have spent weeks beating myself up over my guilt towards his wife..but this is me, I'm hurt also and now I'm hurt more than I thought possible. And I'm on shock. Struggling to keep my life going , all I worked for. I'm crumbling. I know I did bad, I'm not a ev woman, bad , thoughtless choice, I am reaping what I sew x100000 Sad times. Affairs people...are a toxic mess. Turn ur back.
seren Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Round, I am so very sorry you lost your baby. Of course you would want to tell the baby's father and married or not, he should be concerened for your welfare and understand and yes, share your loss. That he doesn't is a reflection of the man he is. I know you think you are foolish for believing him, but, I have been with my H for 26 years and didn't think he would have an A, you would think I would and should have known. Thing is, we can only take people at face value and the face he presented to you is obviously not who he is at heart. So, as hard as it must be, try to forget him and move on. I hope you have IRL support and someone who can look after you for a little while that knows about your situation. Take your time before going back to work, not just to heal your body, but your mind too. I so hope that in time you can look back on this time and while you will always feel sad about your little one, hopefully you will realise that the MM was not who you thought him to be. I hope you find love and peace. Take care Seren x
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Sorry for your loss. Rest and take care of yourself, let your friends and family help you during this rough time. As for your exMM, well he isn't worth your energy. It's wasted effort, love, even tears on him. He hasn't considered you at all, so do your best to shut him out of your heart. Time is on your side.
SunsetRed Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 wow, my heart bleeds for you. I can't imagine having all that pain to bear at once, esp with having had a miscarriage as well. Do what you need to do to save yourself, counseling, meds, move far away and start over. Whatever you do, dont beat yourself up. It sounds like you've been beaten enough. Your xMM does not deserve to breathe the same air that you breathe so you should never give him the time of day again. Please go and live the blessed life you deserve. God Bless!
Author round1 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Thank you. I had a text from him today: I am sorry for all of the hurt that has been caused. We received your email as well as me receiving your text & would not have wished this on anyone. If I could turn back the clock so that none of this would ever have happened, I would. I appreciate that nothing I say is likely to be welcome but I hope that at some stage things will get better & you are able to move on from this. I am unsure of who he is. Not the man I knew. I'm wondering if she wrote it. It's harsh to read, patronising. I'm in shock. How do u not react? He moved on really quick!
herenow Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Thank you. I had a text from him today: I am sorry for all of the hurt that has been caused. We received your email as well as me receiving your text & would not have wished this on anyone. If I could turn back the clock so that none of this would ever have happened, I would. I appreciate that nothing I say is likely to be welcome but I hope that at some stage things will get better & you are able to move on from this. I am unsure of who he is. Not the man I knew. I'm wondering if she wrote it. It's harsh to read, patronising. I'm in shock. How do u not react? He moved on really quick! I think the email you got was very nice and sympathetic. I'm not seeing any "patronizing". What would you like him to say?
26pointblue Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Thank you. I had a text from him today: I am sorry for all of the hurt that has been caused. We received your email as well as me receiving your text & would not have wished this on anyone. If I could turn back the clock so that none of this would ever have happened, I would. I appreciate that nothing I say is likely to be welcome but I hope that at some stage things will get better & you are able to move on from this. I know you're in a lot of pain & perhaps can't see this but I do think his text was meant to be as kind under the circumstances as is possible. I think this for the following reasons: 1) He acknowledged & apologized for your hurt; 2) He expressed regret/remorse & wishes he could turn back time so that none of your hurt would happen; 3) He acknowledges that nothing he can say will make things better & he wishes you the best in moving on. I think number 3 is key b/c it is realistic. The only thing that would make things better for you is if he could act - nothing he says will work, unless it is empty promises, & he is done making those. I really think he is finally being compassionate. I never got any words like these from my xMM. He would go stringing me on forever if he could. He would tell me whatever I wanted to hear & promise me the moon as long as I stayed waiting in the wings. He would never own up to his own part in anything & when he did want to distance himself from me due to his wife's suspicions or pain, he would find something to blame me for & act like his not being there for me was my fault. Your xMM is right that neither of you can turn back time. You never should have done what you did but all you can do now is move forward. I do understand that it hurts because he has a wife & family to lean on & be there for him & you do not & plus you have suffered the loss of a baby which is horrible. But at least he isn't still stringing you on & eating cake. At least he's made a decision & is sticking with it & apologizing for the past. You deserve someone who is there for you & only you, in your happy times & sad times. You will never find it unless you are able to move on. That just comes with time. You will be okay. You are worthy of something much better than xMM. Best wishes.
skywriter Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Thank you. I had a text from him today: I am sorry for all of the hurt that has been caused. We received your email as well as me receiving your text & would not have wished this on anyone. If I could turn back the clock so that none of this would ever have happened, I would. I appreciate that nothing I say is likely to be welcome but I hope that at some stage things will get better & you are able to move on from this. I am unsure of who he is. Not the man I knew. I'm wondering if she wrote it. It's harsh to read, patronising. I'm in shock. How do u not react? He moved on really quick! Round 1, I am so sorry for your loss and how the XMM has treated you. I hope that you have someone you can confide in and look after you. You know the MM and if he sounded fake in his text, then you should know. Either way, as time goes by, I hope you can realise ,you are so much better off. Take care and big hugs to you.
Owl Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Odds are, he sent that text WITH his wife present at the time. It's a common response...the intent is to show the OW/OM that the married couple are working TOGETHER to rebuild their marriage. That the deception and hiding things from his wife is no longer going on. At this point, all you can do is mourn your loss, and strive to heal from all that's taken place. I wish the best for you.
TurningTables Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Hi Round. Your post was so moving.My heat just goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss. I dont have much to add except I didnt see anywhere in your post if you have looked into IC. I think it would help you move on and deal with your grief. Best of luck to you.
1956peace Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Hi there, He has changed because his wife has probably given him strict orders of how the marriage will stay together, he must follow the plan in order to save himself, no contact is the first rule in the recovery process of a broken marriage when an affair has taken place.........they sent the email together, so he could be transparent with his wife.......... He wasn't living his family for you, he would have by now if he was going to. Married men don't give up their lives, they love their lives or they wouldn't be there...........their wives look after them, love them....... His wife will have all access to his comp and phone now, she will know if you contact him or if he tries to contact you and that will be a deal breaker for her so he isn't going to break that trust not now..... I think you are lucky, you got out so you can have a good life with someone that loves only you, you deserve that, do not settle for someone else's husband........ BS's always give their husbands a chance to go and live the secret life they have and they never go, they don't want to start again or give up what they have known, and they love their wives they married them, they have shared a life with them, to believe anything different is just foolish......... They would be divorced if they wanted out............. They are just selfish people that only think about themselves and what they can get.......... It feels like love but it is just being used to satisfy someone else's needs........then they go home to their lives .....and love their families........ Losing a baby is hard emotionally I hope you have family around to be with, take care of yourself and look at this as your second chance at a better life for you, only you this time.......... peace
Author round1 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Thank you everyone. 1) I am seeking counselling 2) you ate correct, she has been intercepting the text and email as she sent a email today, telling me it's my fault. He told me all along her was never going to leave her. What I did was disgraceful. She would never do that. She spoke of all the times we had sex and where. Which I found annoying as the affair was more emotionally:/ and I don't think she sees that. That also, I have sent her a torrent of abusive emails and texts( I sent 1 x text and 1 x email, during my distress of the miscarriage, and they were not to her, addressed to him and not threats, just the details:/ ..which I have copies of) she said if I reief to her email she would tell the police. Her and her husband had agreed and ate trying to work things out so leave them alone. I had the affair I knew what I was doing so I am as bad and worse than him. I have as you know, left them in peace. I ended the affair, I had not broken my NC until the other day during my miscarriage, pure upset and emotion. I was to the point. I have shown my remorse , gosh I spend hours beating my self up and sf blame. But I had a right to be angry at him and to make him aware of the outcome. I am human also. I Hurt in a way that is awful and I'm in shock still. I am tired. I am fed up of being intimated by their choices, rules, their wants. I need to matter also. I am doing all I can to address why I cheated why I felt it was ok. I can not believe he has not surfaced, but see from your words, this is quite common. Awful isn't it? I want to move on ad much ad her. And ok I slipped up and I said my anger, but it was real. A life was lost. I'm sorry but they have both called me and said their words and I didn't object, because I had to face what was wrong. I am just struggling with accept g and rising above it all. I guess that's why external help is now required.
whichwayisup Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I'm sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself. I am tired. I am fed up of being intimated by their choices, rules, their wants. I need to matter also. You DO matter. Just not to them. I know this isn't probably want to hear, but the reality is, the A is over, they're trying to move on and fix things.. It would be nice if there was common courtesy, sympathy but due to the A and the fallout, that's not going to happen so please, do your best to not have any expectations from him, or from her. Focus on healing. You've been through enough, so no more reaching out, emails or anything to him or to her.
seren Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Round, hope you are taking care of yourself and have someone to support you during this time. It is often when a couple are in reconciliation that a 'circling the wagons' mentality takes over and nothing else matters other than them trying to repair the marriage. In most instances when an OW/OM calls or texts I would say that they had no place to, BUT, you had every right and need to let the MM know that you had lost yours and his baby. You also should have had, at the very least, support and understanding from him, with the BS knowing that he was doing so. Many may disagree with me, but I think you have been treated dreadfully by him, I also cannot understand how another woman, BS or not, can be so cruel to another woman going through what you are. You do deserve more and I hope in time, when you have healed, that you will find peace. Leave them to it. It doesn't matter if his wife is monitoring calls or any of the other things that people do after D Day, if he wanted to be there for you, he would be. It is a reflection of his character that he is not, no one else's. No one can force someone to do what they want them to, it is his lack of backbone that is seeing him act this way. This is the man he is. Conflict avoidance is a common way of dealing with things that often leads to MM seeking affairs rather than deal with issues in their lives or marriages. Sounds like he is a classic conflict avoider, you are better off without him, even though it may not feel like that. When I miscarried my child, I gave her a name even though she was too young to be registered. I mourned her and I remember her and think of the person she might have been. Give yourself time, grieve your loss, you will heal, you will always remember. As for the MM and his wife, leave them to it now, concentrate on yourself and live well. Take very good care of yourself and please stop beating yourself up.
Author round1 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Thank you. I agree. It all got a little emotional with reactions and I do respect them fixing the marriage. I have not place to contact them. And I didn't. Only when the miscarriage happened. I still feel I had the right to express that. Yes they did text a reply perhaps I should have accepted that was the best I will get. However my emotions are terrible at the moment and their text to me was a little off key, but I guess I didn't have the insight then, that I do now , from the information you have all given me. So thank you. I do not want the MM as the person he has shown me actually makes my skin crawl. I think I was looking for his support, his duties. But the A is over and clearly he is blanking out the baby side. So I am going to start my road of healing. I today converted all his texts and emails into a document and I am in the process of writing the affair from my eyes and recent events. This way, I get it out and I can then close it all and file it away . I kept all our communications in the past. I hope it helps me. I am then booking my councelling. And then the hardest part, erasing thoughts and recent events. It's sad that it's become harsh words, I had avoid that as much as possible. And it's all those words that roll in my head, what I said. What she said. It's because I am humane, I feel her pain also. I don't miss him anymore and I don't miss the A. And regardless I do wish they make it work for their children's sake. I wasn't to know my text n email was in her hands, or I wouldn't have sent it to prevent her upset. It was fir her H as it was regarding my distress about the loss. That maybe was naive on my part. I want time to grieve. I've been in shock & then the day of I said , they said, it's been a bit full on emotion wise and in hindsight I should have turned my phone off. So I'm hoping over the next fee days I have space and peace, I asked for it from them and said I respected their peace n space also, Affairs are amazingly powerful and built around a weak platform that destroys lives. My self want is to not let this consume my daily thoughts and emotions anymore. I am ready. Wish me luck. I have learnt a lot about myself already, things I hate, things I like, it's been difficult to address at times. Thank you so much everyone. I respect your honesty and advice and help. X
Gentlegirl Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Thank you. I agree. It all got a little emotional with reactions and I do respect them fixing the marriage. I have not place to contact them. And I didn't. Only when the miscarriage happened. I still feel I had the right to express that. Yes they did text a reply perhaps I should have accepted that was the best I will get. However my emotions are terrible at the moment and their text to me was a little off key, but I guess I didn't have the insight then, that I do now , from the information you have all given me. So thank you. I do not want the MM as the person he has shown me actually makes my skin crawl. I think I was looking for his support, his duties. But the A is over and clearly he is blanking out the baby side. So I am going to start my road of healing. I today converted all his texts and emails into a document and I am in the process of writing the affair from my eyes and recent events. This way, I get it out and I can then close it all and file it away . I kept all our communications in the past. I hope it helps me. I am then booking my councelling. And then the hardest part, erasing thoughts and recent events. It's sad that it's become harsh words, I had avoid that as much as possible. And it's all those words that roll in my head, what I said. What she said. It's because I am humane, I feel her pain also. I don't miss him anymore and I don't miss the A. And regardless I do wish they make it work for their children's sake. I wasn't to know my text n email was in her hands, or I wouldn't have sent it to prevent her upset. It was fir her H as it was regarding my distress about the loss. That maybe was naive on my part. I want time to grieve. I've been in shock & then the day of I said , they said, it's been a bit full on emotion wise and in hindsight I should have turned my phone off. So I'm hoping over the next fee days I have space and peace, I asked for it from them and said I respected their peace n space also, Affairs are amazingly powerful and built around a weak platform that destroys lives. My self want is to not let this consume my daily thoughts and emotions anymore. I am ready. Wish me luck. I have learnt a lot about myself already, things I hate, things I like, it's been difficult to address at times. Thank you so much everyone. I respect your honesty and advice and help. X PLease, please book into your counselling because I think you will really need it. I cannot imagine going through the ordeal you have endured without support. A miscarriage is a very painful event for a woman, let alone with negative support. YOur hormones will be all out of alignment for a long time and you will have a grieving process to address. It is very important that you get professional help, especially in the cirucmstances. MY warmest thoughts to you, Gentlegirl
Tenacity Posted October 9, 2011 Posted October 9, 2011 I am so sorry. Please know that I understand, I have been in your shoes. I lost my baby too, in the second trimester to miscarriage. And my MM (of 5 years, very serious affair) would never, ever even admit that he was the father or acknowledge my pregnancy. After years of telling me that I was "the one", and how much he loved me, and how miserable he was in his marriage, and spending all of our time together, and all of the promises that we would be together which never happened. There is a fury and total and complete anger associated with that which is indescribable.
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