WTRanger Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 In the last few days, my girlfriend has been bringing up the subject of marriage and it's starting to spook me a bit. I feel it's a bit too early in our relationship to even think about that type of commitment. I just don't want to think about that right now and I just want to focus on her and growing with her in both our relationship and emotionally. But the subject of marriage and if I see myself marrying her is no where even on my mind. Is that wrong? We've known each other for 2 weeks and been officially dating for less than a week. So, yeah, it's that early on. I've never had a girl bring it up this early before and something has my spidey senses tingling now about this whole thing.
make me believe Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 What comments is she making? I brought up marriage in general on the third date with my husband because I didn't want to waste my time with somebody who never wanted to get married. (Been there, done that.) I just told him that I was looking for a relationship that had the potential to lead to marriage someday. Not that I wanted to marry HIM specifically or that THIS relationship must lead to marriage, but I wasn't going to spend months or years dating somebody if marriage was not even a possibility. If she's bringing it up in that sense -- more of a "What are you looking for?" kind of thing -- then I think it's ok. If she's talking about marrying YOU specifically, then that's a big, big red flag.
Nexus One Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 What comments is she making? I brought up marriage in general on the third date with my husband because I didn't want to waste my time with somebody who never wanted to get married. (Been there, done that.) I just told him that I was looking for a relationship that had the potential to lead to marriage someday. Not that I wanted to marry HIM specifically or that THIS relationship must lead to marriage, but I wasn't going to spend months or years dating somebody if marriage was not even a possibility. If she's bringing it up in that sense -- more of a "What are you looking for?" kind of thing -- then I think it's ok. If she's talking about marrying YOU specifically, then that's a big, big red flag. I agree with this. When I initially read your(OP's) reply I thought, yeah 2 weeks is REALLY fast, but if she's making clear that she one day wants to get married, so that you know that that is where she'd like things to go eventually, then it's likely just her letting you know what she's looking for in a relationship. I think that's perfectly fine, it tells you where she stands. I think you'd need to elaborate on how she said it for us to get a good picture though.
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Sounds like she is just poking around making sure she isn't wasting her time dating a commitment phoebe People do that..I don't think she is looking to marry you as you just met but she wants to make sure the direction of the relationship is where she wants it to be to fit her life.. In General people date to find someone to marry or spend the rest of their life together..
Author WTRanger Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Here's some clarification. Yes, it's specific to marrying her. She has directly asked me if I see myself marrying her one day. That if I expect her to follow me in my life, I may be traveling soon, that I need to tell her that I can see myself marrying her one day. I've never asked her to follow me. I was always up front that there may be distance between us very soon and she still continued to pursue me and a relationship. We initially left it at we'll deal with it when the time comes and in the mean time we'll let our new relationship grow and flourish. I can't do it. I can't think about that specific of marriage this early on. To me, it's way too early for this. I haven't even met her parents or her friends yet! I care deeply for this person, but I'm not going to tell them something they want to hear just to smooth things over. We did have the general marriage talk. I told her I do want to get married one day, but I also grew up with only a single parent so my view on marriage is that it's a very serious commitment and that you'd better be quite sure in your feelings before even bringing up the subject. 2 weeks isn't nearly enough. I'm late 20's she's mid 20's.
Pierre Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 In the last few days, my girlfriend has been bringing up the subject of marriage and it's starting to spook me a bit. I feel it's a bit too early in our relationship to even think about that type of commitment. I just don't want to think about that right now and I just want to focus on her and growing with her in both our relationship and emotionally. But the subject of marriage and if I see myself marrying her is no where even on my mind. Is that wrong? We've known each other for 2 weeks and been officially dating for less than a week. So, yeah, it's that early on. I've never had a girl bring it up this early before and something has my spidey senses tingling now about this whole thing. Dude: Some men and women date with the idea of getting married one day. She wants to see if you are similar to her. If you are allergic to marriage tell her now and move on. Otherwise, don't make her lose her time.
veggirl Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Wow it is WAY too soon for that kind of conversation. You have known each other only 2 weeks?! Major, major, major red flag. :eek: I would honestly break up with her. Even if she somehow manages to control what comes out of her mouth, she will still be thinking all of this and making premature plans that include you. She is already investing way too much into this BRAND NEW relationship. OMG. I would be terrified if I was you, lol.
veggirl Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Dude: Some men and women date with the idea of getting married one day. She wants to see if you are similar to her. If you are allergic to marriage tell her now and move on. Otherwise, don't make her lose her time. Pierre, Get a grip! She is asking someone who has known her for TWO WEEKS if he sees himself married TO HER SPECIFICALLY. That is not normal. He already told her that he wants to marry someday.
Author WTRanger Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Dude: Some men and women date with the idea of getting married one day. She wants to see if you are similar to her. If you are allergic to marriage tell her now and move on. Otherwise, don't make her lose her time. "Do you see yourself getting married?" Not scary after 2 weeks. It's a general view of marriage. It should be brought up in order to not waste time. I do see myself getting married and I'd like to get married one day and spend the rest of my life with someone. "Do you see yourself marrying me?" Red flag in my book. Far too specific. If that makes me allergic to marriage, so be it.
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I don't think she is asking you to marry her WTRanger like you are taking it.. It sounds like she just said the words without thinking how is would sound.. I dated a girl that told me she loved me on the first date.. She made an error and just blurted it out when we were at the movies and she went to the bathroom. She certainly knew she didn't love me... What did you tell her ? and how did she respond ?
azsinglegal Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 "Do you see yourself getting married?" Not scary after 2 weeks. It's a general view of marriage. It should be brought up in order to not waste time. I do see myself getting married and I'd like to get married one day and spend the rest of my life with someone. "Do you see yourself marrying me?" Red flag in my book. Far too specific. If that makes me allergic to marriage, so be it. I think sometimes people want "love at first site" so she's trying to see if you feel it too...up to you how you proceed.
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 By the way WTR.. if she is indeed asking you to marry her or looking for that type of commitment right now and isn't just feeling you out to see if she is wasting her time then run, don't walk from her... but I think you guys are not on the same page with what the meaning of the words that were used..
LexiB Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I would normally view anyone bringing up marriage so early as a red flag but not in this particular situation. Given that: We've known each other for 2 weeks and been officially dating for less than a week. The two of you just met 2 weeks ago and are already at boyfriend-girlfriend status?? Outside of chick flicks and romantic novels, I've never heard of anyone entering a committed relationship with someone only a week or so after meeting him/her. In this context, it makes sense that she felt comfortable enough with you to bring up the possibility of marriage. Sounds like this has been a bit of a whirlwind romance already.
Author WTRanger Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 By the way WTR.. if she is indeed asking you to marry her or looking for that type of commitment right now and isn't just feeling you out to see if she is wasting her time then run, don't walk from her... but I think you guys are not on the same page with what the meaning of the words that were used.. The way I took her words were, "Do you see this relationship ending in marriage?" and to me it's far too early to even touch that specific of the marriage subject. When she asked my view on marriage, I was okay with it. I talked about it, told her my views as seen in the above posts. However when she specifically asked if I see myself marrying her, that's where the red flag goes up. To me, that's no longer your general views on marriage and it's now into very specific territory. She tried to mince the words by saying it's not a commitment but if it's something I see happening when we are ready. As I've said before, I feel it's far too early to even start to think about it. To me, that's still a promise that I won't take lightly. If I were to say that, I better be pretty sure this is the person I will marry. Right now, I just don't know her that well. I won't tell her something like that if I don't believe it and it's too early to believe in something like that. I told her that I'm not sure I can even make that type of promise or answer that question this early on. I want to grow this relationship and see where it takes us, but right now at barely week 2 of knowing this person to answer, "Yes, I see myself marrying you in either the near or distant future." isn't something I can do or take lightly. So you'd be okay with a girl asking you if you see yourself marring them after this short of time? Not asking if you see yourself getting married, but married specifically to them. That wouldn't raise any red flags?
radiodarcy Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Wow it is WAY too soon for that kind of conversation. You have known each other only 2 weeks?! Major, major, major red flag. :eek: I would honestly break up with her. Even if she somehow manages to control what comes out of her mouth, she will still be thinking all of this and making premature plans that include you. She is already investing way too much into this BRAND NEW relationship. OMG. I would be terrified if I was you, lol. i agree. there is no way i would be thinking about marrying someone after only having dated them for two weeks. that's just way too intense. for the record, i've followed several of your posts and am surprised that you're in your mid-20's. you have a lot of clarity and maturity regarding relationships and boundaries for someone your age. i know guys in their 30's who don't have it together like you do. maybe that's what's drawing her to you and making her anxious to tie the knot. i would suggest slowing her down a bit and just letting her know that all this marriage talk this early in the game is spooking you; that you would like to take things slow and see how she reacts. if she keeps at it. then as veggirl suggested it may be time to take a break of break things off completely.
Pierre Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Pierre, Get a grip! She is asking someone who has known her for TWO WEEKS if he sees himself married TO HER SPECIFICALLY. That is not normal. He already told her that he wants to marry someday. It may not be normal for veteran daters. However, may be quite normal for women that are looking for Mr Right from day one and are not interested in dating the entire football team.
phillyfan Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Here's some clarification. Yes, it's specific to marrying her. She has directly asked me if I see myself marrying her one day. That if I expect her to follow me in my life, I may be traveling soon, that I need to tell her that I can see myself marrying her one day. I've never asked her to follow me. I was always up front that there may be distance between us very soon and she still continued to pursue me and a relationship. We initially left it at we'll deal with it when the time comes and in the mean time we'll let our new relationship grow and flourish. I can't do it. I can't think about that specific of marriage this early on. To me, it's way too early for this. I haven't even met her parents or her friends yet! I care deeply for this person, but I'm not going to tell them something they want to hear just to smooth things over. We did have the general marriage talk. I told her I do want to get married one day, but I also grew up with only a single parent so my view on marriage is that it's a very serious commitment and that you'd better be quite sure in your feelings before even bringing up the subject. 2 weeks isn't nearly enough. I'm late 20's she's mid 20's. Dude shes a freakin nutjob. Or 2 put it a really kind way, she clearly aint understandin how serius marriage is.
vsmini Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 That if I expect her to follow me in my life, I may be traveling soon, that I need to tell her that I can see myself marrying her one day. I've never asked her to follow me. I was always up front that there may be distance between us very soon and she still continued to pursue me and a relationship. For anyone who is saying this isn't red flag behavior - you're wrong. Here is why. Nothing is wrong with wanting to know if the guy you're dating and in a relationship with (especially only 2 weeks in) views marriage as a possibility for his future, in general. It is quite another to ask the guy you've only been officially dating 1 week if he sees it ending up in marriage. Considering you guys just met 2 weeks ago I think it's still really early to say you're bf/gf but it's your business and if you want to have a monogamous relationship with someone to make sure they're the one for you, potentially long term, that's great. The problem is, is that this girl is getting ahead of herself. You can hear the worrying wheels turning in her head. She sounds like she's ready, willing and able to follow this guy wherever he goes IF he sees her as his wife someday. She wants an answer and some lock-down so she is ok basically "following" him around. Red flag on her.....where is her own life to consider? If you need such clarification about if a guy wants to marry you 2 weeks in so you can plan out the rest of your year or life....bad news. Sorry but it is too soon for her to be asking in such a specific manner - it screams insecurity. My advice is to be completely honest with her - give her no false hope. Just say that it's too early to tell - a mature person shouldn't be offended by that at all.
norajane Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 That if I expect her to follow me in my life, I may be traveling soon, that I need to tell her that I can see myself marrying her one day. I've never asked her to follow me. I was always up front that there may be distance between us very soon and she still continued to pursue me and a relationship. We initially left it at we'll deal with it when the time comes and in the mean time we'll let our new relationship grow and flourish. She probably should have asked a better question, like, when do you see all this traveling happening, and what do you expect will happen to your relationship when that happens (or any relationship you are in at the time)? It seems clear that this upcoming traveling is at the heart of her marriage question - what will become of "us" when you leave?
Art_Critic Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I told her that I'm not sure I can even make that type of promise or answer that question this early on. I want to grow this relationship and see where it takes us, but right now at barely week 2 of knowing this person to answer, "Yes, I see myself marrying you in either the near or distant future." isn't something I can do or take lightly. That's a respectable answer WTR... I dated a girl once that you to ask me weird questions to see if I was like other guys that she dated that she had issues with, so many of her questions were tests.. Had you answered "Yes" I see us being married one day and together then that may have set off her red flag alert...
mtber75 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 We did have the general marriage talk. I told her I do want to get married one day, but I also grew up with only a single parent so my view on marriage is that it's a very serious commitment and that you'd better be quite sure in your feelings before even bringing up the subject. 2 weeks isn't nearly enough. I'm late 20's she's mid 20's. My friends are TERRIFIED of getting married...They all were raised by single parent....Interesting I guess they don't want to travel down the same path.
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