SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I will make this as short as possible. My BF’s best female friend has had a problem with me since day one. We have been together for 3 years, we own a condo together, we have puppies together, and he is 32 and I am 29. She mostly ignores me, even when I first met her we didn’t really get formally introduced. I can think of 4 specific times where I have tried to talk to her or make small conversation and I got nothing in return. I was taking aback by this, I have had other LTR before and this has never been an issue. We went out to the bar in a group and she went around and said good bye to everyone, except for me. I went as far as asking my BF if he said something bad about me to her. He says no. What makes me upset about it is not only did I not do anything to get this sort of treatment, but also my BF didn’t really seem to even notice. After I told him, he was more attentive, and he finally noticed it himself. We went to a family event of hers at a park, and I tried to make small conversation, and she completely ignored me. He noticed it, and we left within 10 minutes. He apparently talked to her about it and we went out to dinner just the 3 of us. That seemed to go okay. But after that she still acted the same way. She came over one time to visit our new puppies, and it was just her and I in the room, and I was talking to her about my puppy being sick, etc… and she didn’t say one word to me. I let that one go; it wasn’t worth it for me to cause problems. But the problem just kept on happening. We would go out in groups, and she never say hi to me, never said one word to me, it was all very awkward. What’s hard for me is that I was the new one in the group and you would think with her being one of his best friends she would make me feel welcomed to the group, but she never did. My BF would still occasionally hang out with her, and I told him that it upset me, that it seemed like he doesn’t have my back, and doesn’t stick up for me. That I did nothing wrong, and her treating me this way, and him acting like everything was all fine and dandy sent out the wrong message. So he talked to her AGAIN. I am just over it. I don’t want someone to feel forced to be civil to me. I feel like I have tried and tired. The last straw for me was that we went out in a group and she met up with us. I had just started a new job, and she asked me how things were going. I told her that I hated the job. I looked over at her and she didn’t say one word in response! I mean who does that? That was it for me; I am just done with it. I felt like her one question was her attempt to try to be civil with me, but the lack of response made it even worse. I answered in an open ended way, and she didn’t say anything. Furious I told my BF afterwards that this is a problem. We have had a few fights about the fact that I just feel like he doesn’t see it, and I am the one who is crazy. I seriously feel like I am back in HS with all this stupid drama. Finally he told me he cut all ties with her. Although I’m glad to see him finally taking my side, and letting her know that her behavior is completely uncalled for, I still feel bad for him. They have been friends since 7th grade; he has a large group of friends both male and female. I know she is a big part of his childhood and life and I really feel guilty in a way even though it’s not really my fault. What would you do in this situation, and do you think I overacted?
norajane Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I can see why you'd be upset, but if this has been going on for 3 years, I'm not clear on why it suddenly started bothering you so much. I'd feel terrible if my bf dropped a friend he'd had since 7th grade because I couldn't make allowances. So what if she's not into you as a person? Do you need all his friends to be your friends, too? Were you getting some kind of flirty vibe from her with your bf?
Author SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I appreciate your response, as I do feel bad about the situation. No I do not need all his friends to be my friends too. I have plenty of friends, so thats not really the issue at all. My issue is that she is just completely rude and its disrespectful to me. I am not asking her to be my friend, all I want is for her to be civil. That's all. Small talk, a hello, and a good bye when leaving. I feel like I have tried to talk to her, and she has completely ignored me time and time again. It started bothering me, because it kept on going on, even though he has talked to her 2 times now about her being rude to me. I don't know what to do now. I feel like I have really made a mistake, and some mistakes are not easily fixed.
Author SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I sort of agree with NoraJane. It does sound uncomfortable and a bit unpleasant. But you sound a little underconfident - if she doesn't like you and doesn't interact with you - her big loss, surely? Just ignore her and have a good time! Though I know that may not be straighforward when socialising in a group... If it verges on being rude I think it is a good idea if your boyfriend distanced himself. However, cutting all ties may be a bit drastic, unless he really has had second thoughts about her, which is a bit vague from your post. No, it doesn't seem like they have a flirty relationship at all. And I wasn't really worried about that. I just felt that it was odd that she wouldn't try to be friendlier to me. Just civil, like normal people. Not completely ignore me, even when I was trying to make conversation. I love this man with all my heart, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I want to make his life better, not worse, and I feel like this is the biggest issue we have. I felt like him not sticking up for me meant that he didn't have my back.
Author SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 So I should have just put on a happy face and act like everything is fine when around her? Is that what most people would do in this situation? Now that he has already told her he was cutting all ties with her, what I should I do now? Thank you, I really need the advice right now, I don't want to ruin this relationship, this is the best relationship I have ever had, and besides this everything about him is great.
make me believe Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Well I personally think that any opposite sex 'friends' need to be friends of the relationship, meaning supportive of your relationship and open & friendly to BOTH of you. She obviously was not, so I don't think it would be appropriate for your boyfriend to continue their friendship. I don't generally agree with people in long term relationships having close friends of the opposite sex though because a lot of times one of them has stronger feelings than just friendship for the other. Her behavior and total lack of civility towards you makes me think she has feelings for your bf and is jealous of your relationship. But regardless of her sex, I would be upset if my SO insisted on spending time with somebody who was blatantly rude to me. I would feel a little betrayed, like he was endorsing her behavior and treatment of me.
O'Malley Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) I think a part of the problem may be incompatible personalities, that you both feel the other harbors negative feelings. However, from my own experiences, I have had to deal with the possessive friend. That type of friend might not be romantically interested in your boyfriend, but she/he feels that they share something more significant or important with him than you ever could. Most likely you will never win that person over. At this point, I wouldn't put in any more effort, although I would still be casually polite to her the way you would anyone else. If she doesn't want to reciprocate, it just makes her look worse overall. Hopefully, your boyfriend will over time downgrade her from longtime friend to acquaintance if he sees for himself that she's not interested in getting acquainted with you or is hostile. Edited October 6, 2011 by O'Malley
Kamille Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I understand this is on your mind and that you want to talk about it, but I think you should appreciate what he just did. He does see how poorly she behaves toward you and he has chosen to cut ties with her. I'm going to go ahead and assume he's a grown man, capable of making his own decisions, based on his own sense of morality. Now the question is: why do you feel guilty? Do you feel guilty because you think you pushed him to make that decision? If so, did you push him to make that decision, or did he come to it himself?
rightfield Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Well I personally think that any opposite sex 'friends' need to be friends of the relationship, meaning supportive of your relationship and open & friendly to BOTH of you. She obviously was not, so I don't think it would be appropriate for your boyfriend to continue their friendship. I don't generally agree with people in long term relationships having close friends of the opposite sex though because a lot of times one of them has stronger feelings than just friendship for the other. Her behavior and total lack of civility towards you makes me think she has feelings for your bf and is jealous of your relationship. But regardless of her sex, I would be upset if my SO insisted on spending time with somebody who was blatantly rude to me. I would feel a little betrayed, like he was endorsing her behavior and treatment of me. I 2nd this...very good answer.
Author SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Well I personally think that any opposite sex 'friends' need to be friends of the relationship, meaning supportive of your relationship and open & friendly to BOTH of you. She obviously was not, so I don't think it would be appropriate for your boyfriend to continue their friendship. I don't generally agree with people in long term relationships having close friends of the opposite sex though because a lot of times one of them has stronger feelings than just friendship for the other. Her behavior and total lack of civility towards you makes me think she has feelings for your bf and is jealous of your relationship. But regardless of her sex, I would be upset if my SO insisted on spending time with somebody who was blatantly rude to me. I would feel a little betrayed, like he was endorsing her behavior and treatment of me. Yes, thanks for this response! This is exactly how I feel, a little betrayed. But the thing is, my BF believe it or not has a ton of female friends, and its all platonic, so thats not really the issue for me either. I just want to feel respected. Thats all.
Author SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I understand this is on your mind and that you want to talk about it, but I think you should appreciate what he just did. He does see how poorly she behaves toward you and he has chosen to cut ties with her. I'm going to go ahead and assume he's a grown man, capable of making his own decisions, based on his own sense of morality. Now the question is: why do you feel guilty? Do you feel guilty because you think you pushed him to make that decision? If so, did you push him to make that decision, or did he come to it himself? Exactly, I do feel responsible, because at a weak moment I told him that I was really hurt that he still acts like everything is fine with her, after she treated me so rudely. I felt like he didn't have my back. This is why I feel responsible for him cutting ties with her.
Author SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 After going through all of this is my head, I think I have decided to tell him that he should not cut all ties with her, that its all a big mistake. I want to tell him that I will do whatever it takes to make his life better, and if that means I have to deal with a few hours of awkwardness, that I will do that for him. I don't want to feel responsible for ending a friendship that has lasted over 15 years.
Kamille Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Exactly, I do feel responsible, because at a weak moment I told him that I was really hurt that he still acts like everything is fine with her, after she treated me so rudely. I felt like he didn't have my back. This is why I feel responsible for him cutting ties with her. Was your weak moment recently? To me, it just sounds like he listened, acknowledged and recognized the validity of your point of view and how it made you feel. He accepts the solution you propose. Instead of going to guilt, you could feel thankful, recognize his action as a token of how important your relationship is to him. Accept it. This man has your back.
Author SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Was your weak moment recently? To me, it just sounds like he listened, acknowledged and recognized the validity of your point of view and how it made you feel. He accepts the solution you propose. Instead of going to guilt, you could feel thankful, recognize his action as a token of how important your relationship is to him. Accept it. This man has your back. My heart is really breaking for him, I know how much their friendship meant to him, and I would hate to feel even the slightest bit responsible for destroying it. I do feel responsible because I got so mad when he would still be friends with her after she treated me so poorly. I do feel thankful now knowing that he really does have my back. I really just feel like I can deal with the awkwardness and the rudeness for the sake of him because I truly love him that much. I don't want him to have to choose.
Kamille Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 After going through all of this is my head, I think I have decided to tell him that he should not cut all ties with her, that its all a big mistake. I want to tell him that I will do whatever it takes to make his life better, and if that means I have to deal with a few hours of awkwardness, that I will do that for him. I don't want to feel responsible for ending a friendship that has lasted over 15 years. I'm not against opening the communication on you feeling guilty about this and wondering if you pushed him into this decision, but your feelings about the situation are valid. Why not accept his current proposal of cutting ties, telling him it means the world to you, but also outlining that you're open to different strategies, if ever he finds ending the friendship difficult. You both get to experience your relationship without the stress she's been causing you, while being open to what ending a friendship might mean to him.
Author SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I'm not against opening the communication on you feeling guilty about this and wondering if you pushed him into this decision, but your feelings about the situation are valid. Why not accept his current proposal of cutting ties, telling him it means the world to you, but also outlining that you're open to different strategies, if ever he finds ending the friendship difficult. You both get to experience your relationship without the stress she's been causing you, while being open to what ending a friendship might mean to him. Great idea, thank you! And anyones else opinion on this subject is welcomed.
dispatch3d Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I agree, it's pretty childish. I'd just not want to be around her since she acts like that. Get it together, be a grown up, ya know? The fighting is meh. I think you take this too personally. The whole thing just reflects poorly on her - not you. I also suspect she's jealous fwiw, but probably wouldn't have dated your boyfriend regardless. Maybe she's one of those girls that likes to keep guys around to boost her ego, and you dating him ruins that for her? Idk, hopefully it's not anything as sinister as what I just said. Meh, probably isn't. Some weird social tick. Ramble Ramble. Oh, and you don't have to react this strongly, no. I'd probably just ask her why she's so rude around me all the time, and be very direct.
Author SweetKissesXO Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I agree, it's pretty childish. I'd just not want to be around her since she acts like that. Get it together, be a grown up, ya know? The fighting is meh. I think you take this too personally. The whole thing just reflects poorly on her - not you. I also suspect she's jealous fwiw, but probably wouldn't have dated your boyfriend regardless. Maybe she's one of those girls that likes to keep guys around to boost her ego, and you dating him ruins that for her? Idk, hopefully it's not anything as sinister as what I just said. Meh, probably isn't. Some weird social tick. Ramble Ramble. Oh, and you don't have to react this strongly, no. I'd probably just ask her why she's so rude around me all the time, and be very direct. Yeah I agree, it was childish on my behalf as well, and I'm hoping I can make this right for my BF's sake. I am ashamed that I let my insecurities get the best of me. Thats the thing though...even IF she had a thing for him (which I dont think is the case) I wouldnt care, because I'm confident in my relationship. I just hate ackward situations, thats all. And yes I took it really personal.
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