Vonhart Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Hi, really need some help here, well advice. So story short Ex breaks up after 5 months, due to a argument, said that she felt like she did with her ex husband after it and does not want to feel like that again or be in that situation, both have kids who we introduced and they got on well, so much so that the girls become good friends. asked her to me me for lunch to see if we can chat about it she refused. read loads of get your ex back stuff and put a plan together, went NC for 2 weeks then wrote her a letter, agree with break up, had reflection, few liitle bits about missing the little things we did, got email back saying in was a nice surpise and must have taken some guts to do, and that she does miss me and these things but her heart is not in it anymore due to not wanting that type of relationship and her defences up, she asked if we can still be friends blah blah blah, wrote email back saying i cant do that as its not good for me and that i feel really hurt that you think i am going to have rows all the time, she text back asking if its ok to call later, she did and wh chatted light talk then into the real stuff, i explained that i respect her decision weather i agree with it or not and that i wont be her freind after, told her that i need to move on and i cant do that till i am over you, said that i would rather have you as a happy memory that a constant reminder, she accepted that but i could hear her voice and i dont think she was expecting the rejection (ex back stuff again)i promised her i would post her some stuff and that i wish you the best for th future, i deleted her number and wrote it on a bit of paper and then deleted her facebook.. i felt so empowerd as i took my manhood back when i went to bed, however i woke up feeling rubbish again like i did 2 weeks ago, i thought about sending her stuff that is sentimental to her , mailed her this morning asking if she was ok and that i would rather pass it to her face to face so i know she gets it, she replied i have been better and i hope you are ok too, she then requested i meet her on sunday where we had our first date so she can give me my stuff back too...... so 3 weeks from split we are meeting and i am so nervous, i want her back and i know she missed me, please can someone advise me on what course i should take whilst with her, do i give her the stuff and just say goodbye and leave, maybe see if she wants a coffee, has the rejection of me not being her friend made her realise she will lose me forever.... please give me some advise before sunday anyone, or even you thoughts, if any girls can advise on how you operate im no mind reader!!
norajane Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 There is no "trick" or act that will get her to come back if she doesn't want to. Based on what she's afraid of...that she would end up arguing with you and feeling terrible after like she did with her ex...it sounds like you being calm and rational and able to discuss things like an adult is your best option. So no begging, whining, pleading, emotional blackmail (like wanting to give her stuff that is sentimental), tricking or acting will get her back. Being genuine, being honest, and being open about your thoughts and feelings, in a calm way, is the only thing that will SHOW her that her fears about arguing with you are based more on her experience with her ex than about you and your relationship. And then you also have to give her time (alone and away from you) to think for herself. You're on the right path, just don't become needy and argumentative or pleading with her about the break-up.
KathyM Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Hi, really need some help here, well advice. So story short Ex breaks up after 5 months, due to a argument, said that she felt like she did with her ex husband after it and does not want to feel like that again or be in that situation, both have kids who we introduced and they got on well, so much so that the girls become good friends. asked her to me me for lunch to see if we can chat about it she refused. read loads of get your ex back stuff and put a plan together, went NC for 2 weeks then wrote her a letter, agree with break up, had reflection, few liitle bits about missing the little things we did, got email back saying in was a nice surpise and must have taken some guts to do, and that she does miss me and these things but her heart is not in it anymore due to not wanting that type of relationship and her defences up, she asked if we can still be friends blah blah blah, wrote email back saying i cant do that as its not good for me and that i feel really hurt that you think i am going to have rows all the time, she text back asking if its ok to call later, she did and wh chatted light talk then into the real stuff, i explained that i respect her decision weather i agree with it or not and that i wont be her freind after, told her that i need to move on and i cant do that till i am over you, said that i would rather have you as a happy memory that a constant reminder, she accepted that but i could hear her voice and i dont think she was expecting the rejection (ex back stuff again)i promised her i would post her some stuff and that i wish you the best for th future, i deleted her number and wrote it on a bit of paper and then deleted her facebook.. i felt so empowerd as i took my manhood back when i went to bed, however i woke up feeling rubbish again like i did 2 weeks ago, i thought about sending her stuff that is sentimental to her , mailed her this morning asking if she was ok and that i would rather pass it to her face to face so i know she gets it, she replied i have been better and i hope you are ok too, she then requested i meet her on sunday where we had our first date so she can give me my stuff back too...... so 3 weeks from split we are meeting and i am so nervous, i want her back and i know she missed me, please can someone advise me on what course i should take whilst with her, do i give her the stuff and just say goodbye and leave, maybe see if she wants a coffee, has the rejection of me not being her friend made her realise she will lose me forever.... please give me some advise before sunday anyone, or even you thoughts, if any girls can advise on how you operate im no mind reader!! I think you should let it go, to tell you the truth. She is hypersensitive right now about arguing, yelling and fighting, because of her past relationship, and wants to make sure she doesn't get into the same situation again. You've proven you are the type to fight like that, so she is naturally leary of progressing the relationship with you. I would suggest letting her go, to tell you the truth. Other women may be better able to get past arguments. She is not because of her history. If you are determined to get her back regardless, you have to get her to believe that this fighting is not going to happen in the future. I would suggest apologizing again for losing your temper, let her know how much you value her and love her, and tell her you'll do what it takes to make sure any future issues between you are resolved in an amicable way, whether that be through couple counseling to learn good conflict resolution techniques, or a signed agreement between the two of you as to how you will handle conflict in the future. That would be my suggestion. If you want her back, you have to be able to convince her that this recent fight is not going to repeat itself. If she's not convinced of that, she won't want to continue with you, regardless of whatever was good in your relationship. She's seen what conflict can do to a relationship. She doesn't want that to happen again.
Daremo_06 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 You could also take a look at some couples communication books too. I had picked up "why cant you read my mind" by Dr. Jeffery Bernstein and found it has a great deal of insight on some of the issues I have had in relationships.
Author Vonhart Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Thank you so much for your advice it is really appriciated. Little back ground to our relationship, it was fantastic and apart from the one argument it was great, she started the row after a night on booze, to be honest it was a nothing row but we both have the Taurus personality as we have the same birthday she is 1 year older though I'm 32.. I would just like to point the sentimental stuff Is all the videos of her and her daughter in Disney land Paris, I lent her my digital recorder and they were still on there as she forgot to upload them, I was going to post them but she wanted to give me my stuff back I originally said don't worry about it but had a change of mind, I was not trying to trick her, I know there are sone blokes out there that would do that but I have a good moral fibre and it's not my style, I have not begged her, pleaded with her either I have just stepped back and gave her the space and I know she has been missing me.. just want to show her that I am not the argumentative type which I really am not, I hate confrontation, maybe that's why I used a offence as a defence .. I want to be like the fonz on Sunday and am worried my emotions will ruin it when I see her as it's the first time I have seen her since we split, and the talk we had was a nice chat on the phone ?? Help!!!!
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