Klingon Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I am a happily MM, who had a married best friend (male) of nearly 10 years. I hung out with him at his home on a very common basis, and got to know both him and his wife very well. Eventually, I was just a good of friends with her as I was him. It would be common for me to call her (or her call me) just to BS about anything under the sun. I would also stop by and pick her up occasionally and go shopping, or go grab something to eat together. Strictly plutonic, and both of our spouses were well aware of it, and had no problem with it. We are like brother and sister, and have a 10 year friendship. We have just about everything in common (the same interests and hobbies) and think exactly alike. Over the years, he started to treat her worse and worse, and I did my best to stay out of it, only pointing out on occasion that he needed to think about what he was doing. Every time I said something, he would just get mad and say it was none of my business. He eventually became very controlling, then flat out abusive. He never hit her, but he virtually locked her in the house and did not allow her to talk to her friends or family. She became his slave. He cheated on her constantly, even leaving her at one point for several months for another woman, but she let him come after his affair was over. When she was separated, I happened to be separated with my wife as well. We made the mistake of becoming too intimate. We never had sex, but expressed that we have loved each other for years. We kissed once, and then decided that it did not feel right, and that we did not belong together in that way. Several months ago, she came to me and asked me to talk to him as his best friend, and let him know that she was no longer happy, and to help him understand what he was doing wrong, and help him find a way to fix the situation (She had already told him, but he just would not understand or believe what he was doing was wrong). I attempted to do so, but he again yelled at me for being in his business, then yelled at her for talking to me, and forbade her to talk to me anymore. She called again one day crying, explaining that things had gotten even worse, with the abuse, and that he even raped her when she refused him. I decided that it was time to tell her that she needed to leave. It was a long process, but she eventually left him. He blames me for her leaving; still believing that he did nothing wrong and he refuses to talk to me anymore (which I’m OK with). Now, I have one best friend, a newly single, vulnerable woman. She has little family and no friends other than me and my wife (whom she is not becoming close friends with) because he never allowed her to have friends or family. She is virtually alone, with no money (not enough to get her own place yet) or support structure. She lives with a family member most of the time, but due to their own problems, it is not a healthy environment, and is not anywhere near her job… creating a large financial strain in fuel prices. She stays with us on occasion. Sometimes when I’m there, and sometimes when I’m not. There are occasions when we are alone in the house. Now she has grown very close to me, struggling with the pending divorce and learning to live. We talk for at least an hour a day. She says that cannot do this without me and that if I am not there for her, she will go back to her ex because she has nowhere else to go. Anytime I mention that I need back off a bit or that we need to spend less time together, she breaks down crying and has a panic attack, saying that I am all she has and she cannot lose me too. I feel that she is beginning to have romantic feelings, and know that this cannot be good. We have talked about this and she knows that I will not risk my own marriage. My wife says that she feels comfortable with the situation (she was the one that suggested she come stay with us), and that she trusts us completely. She claims that it does not bother her that we are so close, or that we talk so much because she views her as my sister and nothing more. She knows about the situation that occurred while we were separated, and knows that we will spend hours together (at home or going out doing something innocent) on the days that we are off, and the wife is at work. We have discussed it several times. I know that I could never accept her having such a close relationship with any other man that she is not related to by blood. I simply cannot believe that the wife never worries, or thinks something might happen. I don’t want to lose her trust! I can’t believe that she has no jealousy at all. Even if she knows that I won’t cheat, she has to be jealous of all the time we spend together? I have many fears in all of this. I had a female friend years ago that fell in love with me, and when she admitted that she had these feelings, I stopped talking to her. She wouldn’t let me go and began calling every day and stalking me. She even told my wife that we were intimate in an attempt to make her leave me so that she could have me (we weren’t). I have cheated on my wife before, but not in that instance, and not with her. I don’t believe my friend would ever intentionally do anything to risk my marriage, but she is so scared and confused right now that she is not exactly rational or logical. I want to keep my best friend; she really is the best friend I have ever had. I do not want to risk my marriage! I do see this as a dangerous situation where someone or everyone can potentially get hurt. Does anyone have any advice? What I have done wrong? Should I have not got involved in her situation and let her continue to be abused? What I need to do to make this work? Can we really continue to be best friends now that she is single? Does it matter? Am I just overreacting and over-thinking the whole situation?
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