Fleabitten Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Some of you know my history. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t297570/ You also know that despite me being far from innocent, my ex is pretty verbally and emotionally abusive. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t298203/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t298088/ http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t298695/ (For the record, he claims he did not upload that video and he didn't sleep with anybody else. He just wanted to cause a reaction because he cannot stand it when I go No Contact. Maybe this is true, maybe its not. Does it even matter?) Since this point, I did the predictable thing because I am a weak person whose self respect appears to have gone down the drain. I got back together with him. We saw each other a few times, spent the weekend together and had a terrible time. I realised that I don't actually really love him, I don't enjoy spending time with him, he can't offer me any intellectual stimulation. We just have incredible sex. We talked about whether we could make it work. I suggested counselling. He doesn't need counselling because therapists are quacks and he knows himself better than they ever can. He says he loves me and wants to marry me and have children. I hear warning bells in my head the whole time, I'm not enjoying spending time with him but I can't bear the thought of him being with somebody else, having sex with somebody else. He keeps asking me if I slept with somebody else whilst we were broken up, I ask the same. Its sexually obsessive behaviour on both parts. I found myself wishing he hadn't wanted to try and make it work because I realise I don't actually want to be with this man - aside from the fact that he is abusive, evil, brings out the worst in me, has no interest in my happiness and is completely unable to see his own shortcomings, he actually doesn't interest me as a person. We have no common ground, no compatibility. We don't connect with each others friends, he is quite conservative, I'm liberal. He is very uncultured and not very uneducated, I'm from a very academic family. I love my job and take pride in my own successful business, he does a job he doesn't really care about so he can keep his dreams of being a rock star alive. I'm a book worm, he doesn't read. I love film, he can't sit through a half hour of anything cinematic. I like cooking, culture, design, architecture, he mainly likes going on drinking benders with his juvenile friends. Last night he went crazy again and texted me the following (a snapshot - there is more but these are the highlights) "You are a stupid minger who make up lies. May you rot and burn in hell". "Useless cunt". "I ****ed three people before we last ****ed. Lol". Apart from the fact that I cannot go out with a man who uses "Lol" in writing, I just really need help to put this sorry tale behind me. What the hell am I doing to myself? I'm prepared for a bashing… I'm used to them.
Author Fleabitten Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Should I just ignore him, go no contact, or should I actually tell him that his behaviour is abhorrent and I never ever want him to contact me again? I feel a bit like he's won because yet again he is the one who initiated ending it (though it was clearly already dead). I don't want him to feel like I want him and he dumped me!
smudge21 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 This man (I hate to use that term) is clearly a waste of carbon that the universe could easily use in a more interesting manner. He clearly has no respect for you in any way and will continue to abuse you mentally aslong as you let him. If you reply back to his childish pathetic little attempts, then you are playing his game, and it's his rules. You will lose. So don't do it. You're better than that, and you're better than him! You need to do whatever it takes to take back that power you've given him. Seriously, you clearly know he's worthless and will only hurt you, so keep thinking like that. Realise that any time you make contact with him or see him or even sleep with him, he is just laughing at the whole situation and you. I bet he is sleeping around with others and thinks of them as nothing more than objects. He will continue to do this for a long long time, and the day he finally does decide he loves someone, will be the day he will get hurt, badly. By then, you'll have healed and be with someone who does appreciate you for more than just your skills in the bedroom. But you have to force yourself to stay away from this scum. We can shower you in advice, but it's always up to you if you take it. Love, desire, infatuation, lust, whatever it is, we all fall for it and do foolish things, so you won't get a bashing from anyone here. You already know you screwed up and feel bad enough, that's enough suffering for now. Pick yourself up and do what you can to block this POS out of your life for good.
Mack05 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 This is the first time on LS where I can say I am literally speechless.....
Author Fleabitten Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Thank you Smudge. I guess I was trying to convince myself that he IS a good person. Maybe he would be, but certainly never with me. I appreciate your support, I really need it.
EgoJoe Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 You don't deserve a bashing. You deserve a break.
Author Fleabitten Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 You don't deserve a bashing. You deserve a break. Gosh, thank you. Your post just made me cry. The kindness of strangers...
EgoJoe Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 You're obviously really attached to all of this. I know because I've been there. Now is the wrong time to seek answers, place labels or anything of that nature. Take a break from these thoughts. The world will keep turning, the sun will keep shining and eventually the answers will present themselves. I'm 4 months out from my actual breakup as of tomorrow and yet...it was such a long drawn out process. I know that when people get so attached they view each other as sacred and it generally gets very nasty in the long run. You deserve better. I just got a pep talk earlier although I was in a realistic short slump. I actually motivated myself to work out which helps soooo much. Give it a try
shayla Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 "I just really need help to put this sorry tale behind me. What the hell am I doing to myself? " You have got to do what is necessary to help yourself or you will continue to repeat this. No one can do this for you. You have to have enough faith in yourself to know that you do not need this man, this relationship, or this craziness and only you can put a stop to it.
eleanorhurting Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 walk away this time dont let him walk all over you
stillafool Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Yes walk away now. If he texted you such horrible language and calls you names imagine what it would be like being married to him. He would probably start physically abusing you. Let him go.
Author Fleabitten Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 It is so bloody hard to accept that the person you loved and shared great times with is also a complete monster. I wasted a year and a half on this man. I may have wasted my chance to find somebody good. I may have ruined my chances of having children. I really really regret meeting him. I can't think of a single positive thing this relationship brought me or taught me. I just don't know what to do with myself.
smudge21 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I know it'll feel so confusing right now and you don't know what to do, but hang in there. Things do always get better. Don't let this guy win. Yes, he's done bad stuff but it's he that's at fault, not you. You were simply mislead, lied to - it happens to us all in some way or other. It's how we learn, but having these things happen to us. You will get better and you will be stronger for it.
shayla Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 " I just don't know what to do with myself. " You must erase this man from your life. Change your number, change your email, move if you have to. From your other threads, this man could really cause you harm some day if you don't get away now. For your sanity, and for your own personal safety, put distance between the two of you, otherwise all of this will continue. You seem to think that you are helpless, or stuck, and that whatever he does, you can do nothing about. No, you cannot control his actions. But you can control yours. I pray that you take this situation seriously and do what you need to do. Good luck
Author Fleabitten Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Thank you, kind people. What keeps me going is the strange comfort of knowing that the break up and loss of this man can never be as painful and heartbreaking as being in a relationship with him. The worst is over. :/
smudge21 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I hope it is over. I'd hate to read that you fell into his trap once again. You're better than that, it's time you started to believe and value yourself more.
EgoJoe Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 The best is yet to come. You are worthy of respect, love and admiration. You are a prize and should never settle for less...or take it for granted when the time comes. Don't let the bitterness consume you and keep your head up.
betterdeal Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Why do you go back to him? Big cock? Great sex? What's the buzz?
Author Fleabitten Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 I hope it is over. I'd hate to read that you fell into his trap once again. You're better than that, it's time you started to believe and value yourself more. I really want it to be over. I know I'm better than that, I guess maybe since I'm 35 and have two previous very long term relationships apart from this one behind me, I so desperately wanted this to last, to settle down, have children... I want that type of relationship much more than I want the reality of him. I can't understand why I put up with the crap. Maybe in some ways I don't take it seriously - I had a very good childhood, nobody has ever done anything remotely abusive towards me before, when he calls me things like ugly, fat I don't really take it seriously because I really am not those things. But I really really need to get out of this relationship.
Author Fleabitten Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 The best is yet to come. You are worthy of respect, love and admiration. You are a prize and should never settle for less...or take it for granted when the time comes. Don't let the bitterness consume you and keep your head up. Thank you EgoJoe. I hope the best is yet to come... it can't get much worse than now, that's for sure.
Author Fleabitten Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Why do you go back to him? Big cock? Great sex? What's the buzz? Betterdeal, those things absolutely. The only thing that ever really worked in this relationship was sex. We still have an exceptional chemistry and I guess I'm scared that that won't happen again with someone else so I hang on to him despite it going against all common sense. But I also really loved him, for reasons I can't really fathom now after the stuff we've been through. I'm naturally a very caring person (probably a bit too much) and there is a vulnerability to him that I guess attracted me. I think I want to believe that he really is good, despite everything pointing to the contrary. I think I want to believe that if only I change, things will work. If he can forgive me for what I've done wrong. But none of this will happen. And to some extent I think I want to prove my power over him, that he still wants me and needs me. I think we are both pushing and pulling alternately, but it is always him that flips the switch and goes crazy and sends abusive text messages etc (he won't even talk to me because he is a coward) and then I don't respond, I cut off contact, ignore his pathetic insults, then a few days or a week later he gets in touch remorsefully and I relent. I must NOT let that happen again. EVER.
betterdeal Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Yeah, the crazy sex is always the most vigorous. And that's important to you, so you choose to stay in this arrangement. You know what's on offer : drama, passion, great sex, lies, infidelity, losing yourself in it. You come hear to vent your spleen and get some well-meant kind words and you go back for more. Thus you get your emotional needs met by some strangers on the internet and your sexual needs met by him. So what advice do you want or are you just here to rope some strangers in to fill the intellectual and emotional void in your relationship? Have your friends in real life become tired of doing it?
Author Fleabitten Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Yeah, the crazy sex is always the most vigorous. And that's important to you, so you choose to stay in this arrangement. You know what's on offer : drama, passion, great sex, lies, infidelity, losing yourself in it. You come hear to vent your spleen and get some well-meant kind words and you go back for more. Thus you get your emotional needs met by some strangers on the internet and your sexual needs met by him. So what advice do you want or are you just here to rope some strangers in to fill the intellectual and emotional void in your relationship? Have your friends in real life become tired of doing it? Bloody hell... I was hoping for this place to be somewhere where you could discuss, vent and get advice without being judged. Some of you seem very judgmental if your advice isn't immediately taken. The reality of peoples lives is often not black or white, it can be very hard to get out of relationships when you're emotionally entangled in them, but it is very easy to give objective advice to others. I know exactly what I would say to someone like me. But I would also try and be understanding and not judge them too much if they weren't immediately able to act on my suggestion. Saying "I told you what to do, you didn't do it so you're a moron and I won't support you" is not really that helpful and in that case perhaps better to not say anything at all. Now, I do NOT want to go back to this man for more. I want to have the strength to get out of this relationship. Of course I know its a bad place for me, I'm not stupid. I'm trying and I guess I'm looking for support that I'm doing the right thing in not trying for this relationship anymore. I need to be told that this man is NOT GOOD and that I must not ever entertain the idea of being with him again. But judging me for my weakness is not helping me, it makes me weaker and I need strength now. I want hope that there is a great relationship out there for me, that is loving, kind and, yes, has great sex. I want to believe that that's possible. I just haven't yet experienced a relationship like that yet. I have plenty of supportive friends and family but I thought it would be ok to come somewhere like here where everyone is in a similar situation or is here because they are willing to let people vent and they want to help and support. My emotional needs won't be met by strangers on the internet but I hoped this forum would be a supportive place because I need all the strength and support I can get right now as I am at my lowest and weakest. Kicking me harder is really not helping...
Author Fleabitten Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 And I am also hoping that people can help me accept that some of the behaviours of this man are ABUSIVE and it is not me making him do and say these things, it is his choice. He is very good at convincing me that it is all my own fault you see. "I would never have called you a fat ugly cunt if you hadn't been winding me up/started a fight with me etc". I am someone who accepts blame and responsibility too easily and its very easy for him to convince me that his bad behaviour is my fault. I really do need help in understanding that what he does is not right, it is not my fault, and that I should not accept it. He bullies me into thinking it is all ME. I am by no means innocent in this relationship but I've never ever called him names for example.
Mack05 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Flea I don't want to kick you when you are down, but you received great advise on this forum. I myself spent a good bit of time putting together thoughtful replies, that I felt might help you. I even bumped your thread recently wondering if you are ok. Did you listen to a word of the advice given? No you want back to the guy! It's hard to continue to give advice and try help when the person seems intent on not listening to it. I really hope this is the end, but after you going back to him the last time I have my doubts. I hope you show real inner strength and prove me wrong..
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