sleepykitten Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Someone please say somthing to either tell me what an idiot I am or make me feel better. I broke nc on monday and of course now feel rubbish, i had nearly done 30 days too. What is wrong with me. Is my self esteem so broken? This man has done nothing nice since we broke up but treat me with total disregurd wheres my self respect. I could cry I really could. I feel awful. What can I do to ensure I never do this again? Who else has been here and done this and felt like this?
Buttercup84 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Don't be so hard on yourself kitten , I feel rubbish too after being almost one month NC and then last night my ex emails me about mail that came to our old place and I reply to say thanks. But I didn't stop there , I sent him another email saying that I miss him so much and of course he did not write back after that. I am so tempted to just write to him and tell him how much I still love him. But as hard as it is , I just remind myself I will feel worse and run the risk of him telling me he has a new girlfriend.Ignorance is bliss. So please don't be sad. You went 30 days already and you can do it for longer xxx
smudge21 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I don't think there's anything you can do to stop you making these mistakes - only in time will you put all this in the past and then you'll no longer care. You break NC now because you still care, still feel, still even love and keep hold of some hope... even if you don't want to. Despite my foolish bit of FB stalking yesterday, I'm tempted to do it all over again. How stupid is that?! I'm guessing that when you broke NC you were alone, had nothing else to really do, your mind was wandering and eventually got to thinking about him... I guess the only thing you could try is to recognise those times when you're about to break NC and do something else instead, anything to keep busy and distracted. Don't beat yourself up over doing something we all do. We're only human and we're allowed to make mistakes.
TheDovic Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 How did you contact him and did he answer / respond? If so what did he say?
Author sleepykitten Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 It was e mail I sent him one on monday-just a brief, hello how are you etc, he replied, general polite response re the good weather etc, then the following day as i had told him i was in london with a friend for the weekend he listed all these glam hotel bars he had recently been to and what they were like etc. it felt like a kick in the guts as he never took me anywhere and it was one of the major issues i had was that he stopped making any effort at all. I reacted instantly and e mailed back pretty much that! He replied saying he went there with friends and said i apologise if it upset you it wasnt meant to. oh and I didnt stop there i then e mailed again about how i still felt really hurt by how he lied to me and my over reaction was because i am still not ok with what you did and how you behaved afterwards.(better wording than that but u get the gist)......of course no reply. I feel really sown on myself more than anything for allowing him to still make me react in such a way, i know if i didnt e mail i would have been torturing myself with visions of him taking her to all these places and he never once did that for me. I know it shouldnt matter, why does it still matter.....vey cross with self right now.
Author sleepykitten Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Should have said "down"on myself not "sown" but maybe sew my hands up in boxing gloves for future next month pmt e mail day-this happened last month too!! Exactly the same day! And i felt just as rubbish then. Buttercup-youre lovely, I will try not to be sad. just dissapointed in myself felt i had come so far.
Mack05 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Sometimes Kitten we got to take steps bakwards to move forwards. Write a letter/email to yourself explaining how crappy you feel right now. Also write him a letter/email explaining all the things you would like to say (don't sent it!). Anytime in the future you are close to breaking NC just read those letters. You nearly got to a month so you know it can be done. Just pick yourself up by the bootstraps and back on the road again..You can do this....
TheDovic Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 First of all, it's likely he was saying he'd been to these places because it would make him look cool AND / OR because he knew it would get a reaction from you! With regard to not emailing back - maybe he was open to chatting casually, but you know yourself, if someone put us in a difficult spot we're likely to run away from it / ignore it so we don't have to deal with it. Luckily for him it was via email so he could walk away from it easily! Wouldn't be too hard on myself though. You've proved you can go 30 days without speaking to him, so you're already a lot stronger than me and a lot of people on this site. Just try again and if you fail you fail. But you'll never succeed if you don't keep trying!
Author sleepykitten Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I will tryragain, but tonight i am feeling really defeated by it all, it just makes me feel utterly worth nothing that he can hurt me so much after we were so close and he used to be so in love with me and not even feel slightly bad about it or even have the decency to respond with anything. i know i shouldnt dwell on it and it will pass in a few days, at least i hope it will, it seems like such a huge setback. Lessons of breaking nc i guess. I wish i knew what to think to get myself out of this. Mack, i will d you suggest with the letters though as i dont want to feel like this again, ever, it seems never ending. Am I so damamged that i cant know my worth unless someone else is making me feel special?
smudge21 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Stay strong Kitty, we all know how you feel. It will get better, but you have to ride out the bad before you can get to the good.
Author sleepykitten Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Thanks Smudge, you all do help and cheer me up cant imagine what this would be like without LS.
smudge21 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 You'd still feel hurt without LS, but at least this place offers you guidance and you can take comfort in knowing that you're not alone in this world.
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