Losing the love of my life (Long)

[Beeb]

I'm currently in a very odd situation at this time and someone told me this would help. (I hope it does)

 

I recently was told that she needs time to evaluate her life...

 

I should start at the beginning...

 

We met 12 years ago, she had a child from a previous relationship who was 2 years old at the time. I was okay with this because my parents (Even though I was their natural child) were foster parents so i had children coming in and out of the house of random ages at random times.

 

We really connected and when I say really I mean it. Our views were the same we laughed and had fun all the time.

 

I should also mention that we had a somewhat open relationship (Free Love type of thing I won't go into details) but we are both very intelligent and also very deep thinkers.

 

After about 3 years of happiness we thought it would be nice to have a child of our own. We had a beautiful baby boy that we named Evan but also hit a point where we were struggling with money and were living in a small apartment and both feeling kind of cramped.

 

She then decided that if we were to be parents that maybe we should start having it be only me and her (No more of that lifestyle). I agreed and it was just me and her for a very long time.

 

When my son was around 3 years old things were so bad that I had her go to a therapist. She didn't like this idea because she had been diagnosed as bi-polar, and all sorts of other social disorders since she was a teen.

 

She reluctantly went due to the fact that our arguments were getting violent. She was prescribed some pills that made it worse and obviously stopped taking them. Things went on like this for a while until we moved out into a place that we could own instead of rent. In this case it was an almost double wide (It has an extension on half of the house) trailer.

 

Not the best of choices but like I said we were short on cash.

 

Things actually got slowly better and we became happy again. I got a painting job and we were becoming financially stable.

 

Then she started getting jealous, horribly jealous. Any time I would go anywhere and stay a little longer than expected she would ask me when I got home "Who is she" or if we argued it was "Why don't you just go out with your whores"

 

We began fighting a lot more again but still (I believe) really loved each other and were just way to stressed out.

 

So I stopped going out with my friends and eventually going out at all. This I believe made me depressed and in need of some type of medication myself but due to the fact that I saw most pills don't work for her issues I never actually went (I know, my mistake...)

 

I eventually asked her to marry me and she did say yes (we never got to this because she went through a bad one already and I wanted enough income to give her a nice one.)

 

Then a bad thing happened. I bought a computer from a co-worker and it turned out to be stolen. I got a visit from the police and my court appointed lawyer suggested that I plead guilty and take probation for 9 months, due to the fact I couldn't actually prove I didn't know it was stolen he felt that if I went to trial I would end up broke and in jail. I agreed with him reluctantly, but I also lost my nice job.

 

Then it happened...

 

We had an "Oops"...She got pregnant unexpectedly.

 

This was not at all bad news for us but was very unexpected (She was on the pill, or maybe it was the shot I can't remember)

 

We were actually very happy but really scared because it wasn't planned and we had no room for another child in the trailer, or money.

 

Due to all the stress we kind of both shut down at this point. I couldn't find or hold a decent job, she wasn't ever happy, our trailer is old and starting to fall apart, we had a hard time actually doing normal household things and it became a wreck.

 

She ended up working at a motel till she actually called me from working a midnight shift to tell me it was time for the baby...(In hind sight I feel really bad and truly sorry to her for this)

 

I had another son, Logan. Even though we were very happy and we love our children more than anything in the world we were so stressed about space and money that we began to just shut down completely.

 

PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THIS REALLY IS A SHORTENED VERSION...

MANY UPS AND DOWNS HAPPENED BETWEEN THE TIME GAPS...

 

So now we have been together for 12 years and she is getting ready to finish culinary college. I was planning to go for computer programming after her because we both thought it would be too hard with 3 kids and both of us in school.

 

Recently her 13 year old daughter practically demanded that she go to live with her father. When my "Wife" (We always just referred to each other as that to other people) said no, her daughter started failing classes on purpose. We did sit and make sure she finished her homework but when she got to school she refused to turn it in. What choice did we have? We understood why a teen would want to get out of the cramped trailer and even why a daughter would want to be with her father. But it hurt so damn bad...She was mine for 11 years and my "Wife's" for 13.

 

My wife was left with no choice and sent her to live with her father (She is doing well in school now) but we felt like we lost a family member. I'm sure it hurt my wife more than anything ever had.

 

About 3 weeks later my wifes mother found a bump on her leg and my wife's father made her go to the doctor. The doctors wanted to take samples of this to see if it was cancerous or not.

 

For some reason these doctors felt they needed to put her under to do this (I'm not a doctor, maybe they had their reasons) but while under her lung collapsed. They revived her but did chest x-rays and found that her lungs were covered with cancerous spots. She eventually died near her birthday about a month and a half ago.

 

I tried my best to be supportive through all of this but was sad and hurt too, and she just seemed unhealthily sad...

 

Then she hit me with it (Keep in mind she is now taking Klonopin)

 

She tells me that she thinks she wants to leave...

 

Of course we have a very deep discussion about this and both had difficulty understanding why. She says she needs to know what's out there and she wants her old lifestyle back (Without the sex part) where we are both able to love more than one person. Also she wants to know since she has depended on only me for so long if she can do it by herself. The problem is we have no means to separate. I can't afford to get her a place and she currently doesn't have a job.

 

I understand that all of these things at once can drive people crazy and to be honest, in a way, she already was.

 

I would like to give her the time but we are stuck together in this house and it's hard for me for her to sometimes say "Can we just cuddle for a while?" or "Can I have another kiss?"

 

She says she still loves me and due to our current living situation we are still to this day living together but "Broke up"

 

She also says that she would like to be around me and the kids at all times no matter what. Her exact words were "I still want to see you all the time, you are my very best friend, I would never take your kids from you"

 

She also said "I still feel love for you enough to want to kiss you when you come home from work or when we go to bed, and if anyone we meet in the future (like dates or anything) has a problem with that they can go **** themselves" But part of me feels that because we still live together she is only saying that because we might fight about it.

 

We talk more now and seem happy and sad at the same time. She met someone on one of the online games she plays and I can't help but think that this is what pushed her over the edge. She says he lives in the U.K. (We live in the U.S.) and has, in 3 days after telling me this put her facebook status to relationship for him. She swears it is only coincidence that she met him so fast. I believe she is smart enough and "on-line" savvy enough to realize that she's only known him for 3 months but admitted to having strong feelings for him.

 

On a lighter note, she doesn't think that he can handle our situation, and feels like she's going to lose him.

 

I know it's mean but I hope he can't due to the timing of all of this, but at the same time really genuinely feel sad for her if he can't because she will, and has in the past with others, just cut him off. But will also lose someone important to her and be sad.

 

Okay, okay, You are thinking that I shouldn't be ok with her having a relationship with this guy...It hurts yes but only because we decided to be monogamous for so long that I forgot how to not be...

 

We have both loved others and been okay with it.

 

And that's where I fall apart...I can be okay with it but he can't and that makes her sad. I feel if this is what she wants then why the break up?

 

Is this really one of those things where the woman needs time or is she just too nice and really does care about my feelings to just leave?

 

I'm starting to feel cheated, due to her jealousy in the past I lost nearly ALL my friends, have no one to talk to and have no "prospects" in mind. Where she has nearly finished school, found someone as a relationship, and is very quickly moving on.

 

Am I getting dragged along until she figures something out with this guy or does she really want to be around me always? I don't think she is that way but I know her very well and think that she just doesn't want the "pretend" friendliness like with her ex husband and doesn't know how to avoid that.

 

UPDATE!!!

 

We talked again last night (I'm writing these in stages due to lack of sleep and the work season ending)

 

She had an idea about eventually opening a Bed and Breakfast somewhere near here. Due to her almost graduating Culinary school, I told her this was a great idea and that if she really and truly wanted me around always that I could run the lounge for it, and that she knew I always wanted to own a bar of some type. (Again keep in mind we were just sharing ideas, neither one of us really know what we want for our future yet)

 

I said that I wouldn't serve food because she mentioned a lunch and dinner service for people who stayed longer than just a night. And that since we're separated that I wouldn't want to take any business from her.

 

This made her mad and she looked very angry at me and said "EQUAL PARTNERS OR NOTHING" meaning she at the time felt this would be nice to be business partners with her "Best Friend".

 

This to me was very assuring that we would at least always be near each other and a part of each others lives. Maybe she just needs me to step up with her instead of waiting for her to finish school. As another thought this would take me 3 years and I would have to change my plans and go to school for restaurant/bar management instead of computer programming. I'm fine with that since I wasn't sure anyway but always wanted a bar to call my own. However, I'm also afraid she will think I'm doing this only for her and not to make myself happy. She would be right of course but I really wouldn't mind owning a bar and if things didn't work out with us I could always have a bar somewhere else while going again to school for the computer thing.

 

She then later that night tells me this new guy is having problems with us living together and this is starting to upset her because she does care about him and can't lose another special person in her life.

 

I told her "Look, you said if someone can't handle it and is freaking out that they can go **** themselves, because they are not mature enough to understand. After 3 months of spouting how much he cares about you and he can't handle us still living together, you mean to tell me that is going to end up like you hope?"

 

She said I was right but got VERY sad because she feels no one in this world would really be able to handle that kind of situation.

 

Maybe it was a mistake but I guess that is why I'm posting this but I told her this "Don't feel that way, I'm sure there are plenty of open minded people that we will meet in this world that feel the same way" and "If we do meet someone that has a problem with us kissing (no tongue) or watching or favorite shows together or with the kids that we could always change the situation a little to make the other person feel more comfortable"

 

GAWD!!! Typing it and rereading it, it all sounds nuts but this is how we feel. At least me for sure anyway, as long as me and the kids can see her whenever we want.

 

Anyway she asked "Do you really want to hurt people that care about us but can't deal with the situation?"

 

I answered "If you asked me to I would wait for you forever" and "They should have the same respect and love for you or as your best friend they are not worthy of knowing you like that"

 

I felt proud of this statement (just thought I'd share that) she cried and said "I would never ask you to wait for me that isn't fair to you" and "You're right, if you'd wait for me forever someone that says they are falling for me should be patient too"

 

That is the current situation...

 

I'm a mess because I don't understand why the break up if she wants this old lifestyle back, if I'm doing the right thing, or she wants me to fight for her to see if I still really do care about her.

 

I don't know anything and am about to lose my sanity, or my family, or both.

 

This didn't really make me feel better but maybe someone has suggestions or has (I doubt it) been in this type of situation.

 

I just don't want to be used as a crutch until she can afford to leave and then it will just plain end...But being with her for so long I really don't think that's what it is and I can be mature enough to understand that women go through this all the time and statistically come back most of the time after they "find their answers"

 

But DAMMIT does it hurt and confuse the soul...it really does.

 

Thank you if you read this all the way through, sorry it was so long but there is a lot to explain...

 

And please I don't really need to hear..."Screw her" or anything like that, positive statements will be appreciated.

Edited October 6, 2011 by Beeb

[TroyNJ]

That was a tough read, I'm sorry for what your going through...I just cant see anything good from coming from this, it's disfunctional at best. If she had the financial means I believe she would run away. I'm not being negative but I simply have nothing good to say about what your looking to happen. I would not want to be a doormatt, sounds like thats what she is making you.

[robf1971]

I'm currently in a very odd situation at this time and someone told me this would help. (I hope it does)

 

I recently was told that she needs time to evaluate her life...

 

I should start at the beginning...

 

We met 12 years ago, she had a child from a previous relationship who was 2 years old at the time. I was okay with this because my parents (Even though I was their natural child) were foster parents so i had children coming in and out of the house of random ages at random times.

 

We really connected and when I say really I mean it. Our views were the same we laughed and had fun all the time.

 

I should also mention that we had a somewhat open relationship (Free Love type of thing I won't go into details) but we are both very intelligent and also very deep thinkers.

 

After about 3 years of happiness we thought it would be nice to have a child of our own. We had a beautiful baby boy that we named Evan but also hit a point where we were struggling with money and were living in a small apartment and both feeling kind of cramped.

 

She then decided that if we were to be parents that maybe we should start having it be only me and her (No more of that lifestyle). I agreed and it was just me and her for a very long time.

 

When my son was around 3 years old things were so bad that I had her go to a therapist. She didn't like this idea because she had been diagnosed as bi-polar, and all sorts of other social disorders since she was a teen.

 

She reluctantly went due to the fact that our arguments were getting violent. She was prescribed some pills that made it worse and obviously stopped taking them. Things went on like this for a while until we moved out into a place that we could own instead of rent. In this case it was an almost double wide (It has an extension on half of the house) trailer.

 

Not the best of choices but like I said we were short on cash.

 

Things actually got slowly better and we became happy again. I got a painting job and we were becoming financially stable.

 

Then she started getting jealous, horribly jealous. Any time I would go anywhere and stay a little longer than expected she would ask me when I got home "Who is she" or if we argued it was "Why don't you just go out with your whores"

 

We began fighting a lot more again but still (I believe) really loved each other and were just way to stressed out.

 

So I stopped going out with my friends and eventually going out at all. This I believe made me depressed and in need of some type of medication myself but due to the fact that I saw most pills don't work for her issues I never actually went (I know, my mistake...)

 

I eventually asked her to marry me and she did say yes (we never got to this because she went through a bad one already and I wanted enough income to give her a nice one.)

 

Then a bad thing happened. I bought a computer from a co-worker and it turned out to be stolen. I got a visit from the police and my court appointed lawyer suggested that I plead guilty and take probation for 9 months, due to the fact I couldn't actually prove I didn't know it was stolen he felt that if I went to trial I would end up broke and in jail. I agreed with him reluctantly, but I also lost my nice job.

 

Then it happened...

 

We had an "Oops"...She got pregnant unexpectedly.

 

This was not at all bad news for us but was very unexpected (She was on the pill, or maybe it was the shot I can't remember)

 

We were actually very happy but really scared because it wasn't planned and we had no room for another child in the trailer, or money.

 

Due to all the stress we kind of both shut down at this point. I couldn't find or hold a decent job, she wasn't ever happy, our trailer is old and starting to fall apart, we had a hard time actually doing normal household things and it became a wreck.

 

She ended up working at a motel till she actually called me from working a midnight shift to tell me it was time for the baby...(In hind sight I feel really bad and truly sorry to her for this)

 

I had another son, Logan. Even though we were very happy and we love our children more than anything in the world we were so stressed about space and money that we began to just shut down completely.

 

PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THIS REALLY IS A SHORTENED VERSION...

MANY UPS AND DOWNS HAPPENED BETWEEN THE TIME GAPS...

 

So now we have been together for 12 years and she is getting ready to finish culinary college. I was planning to go for computer programming after her because we both thought it would be too hard with 3 kids and both of us in school.

 

Recently her 13 year old daughter practically demanded that she go to live with her father. When my "Wife" (We always just referred to each other as that to other people) said no, her daughter started failing classes on purpose. We did sit and make sure she finished her homework but when she got to school she refused to turn it in. What choice did we have? We understood why a teen would want to get out of the cramped trailer and even why a daughter would want to be with her father. But it hurt so damn bad...She was mine for 11 years and my "Wife's" for 13.

 

My wife was left with no choice and sent her to live with her father (She is doing well in school now) but we felt like we lost a family member. I'm sure it hurt my wife more than anything ever had.

 

About 3 weeks later my wifes mother found a bump on her leg and my wife's father made her go to the doctor. The doctors wanted to take samples of this to see if it was cancerous or not.

 

For some reason these doctors felt they needed to put her under to do this (I'm not a doctor, maybe they had their reasons) but while under her lung collapsed. They revived her but did chest x-rays and found that her lungs were covered with cancerous spots. She eventually died near her birthday about a month and a half ago.

 

I tried my best to be supportive through all of this but was sad and hurt too, and she just seemed unhealthily sad...

 

Then she hit me with it (Keep in mind she is now taking Klonopin)

 

She tells me that she thinks she wants to leave...

 

Of course we have a very deep discussion about this and both had difficulty understanding why. She says she needs to know what's out there and she wants her old lifestyle back (Without the sex part) where we are both able to love more than one person. Also she wants to know since she has depended on only me for so long if she can do it by herself. The problem is we have no means to separate. I can't afford to get her a place and she currently doesn't have a job.

 

I understand that all of these things at once can drive people crazy and to be honest, in a way, she already was.

 

I would like to give her the time but we are stuck together in this house and it's hard for me for her to sometimes say "Can we just cuddle for a while?" or "Can I have another kiss?"

 

She says she still loves me and due to our current living situation we are still to this day living together but "Broke up"

 

She also says that she would like to be around me and the kids at all times no matter what. Her exact words were "I still want to see you all the time, you are my very best friend, I would never take your kids from you"

 

She also said "I still feel love for you enough to want to kiss you when you come home from work or when we go to bed, and if anyone we meet in the future (like dates or anything) has a problem with that they can go **** themselves" But part of me feels that because we still live together she is only saying that because we might fight about it.

 

We talk more now and seem happy and sad at the same time. She met someone on one of the online games she plays and I can't help but think that this is what pushed her over the edge. She says he lives in the U.K. (We live in the U.S.) and has, in 3 days after telling me this put her facebook status to relationship for him. She swears it is only coincidence that she met him so fast. I believe she is smart enough and "on-line" savvy enough to realize that she's only known him for 3 months but admitted to having strong feelings for him.

 

On a lighter note, she doesn't think that he can handle our situation, and feels like she's going to lose him.

 

I know it's mean but I hope he can't due to the timing of all of this, but at the same time really genuinely feel sad for her if he can't because she will, and has in the past with others, just cut him off. But will also lose someone important to her and be sad.

 

Okay, okay, You are thinking that I shouldn't be ok with her having a relationship with this guy...It hurts yes but only because we decided to be monogamous for so long that I forgot how to not be...

 

We have both loved others and been okay with it.

 

And that's where I fall apart...I can be okay with it but he can't and that makes her sad. I feel if this is what she wants then why the break up?

 

Is this really one of those things where the woman needs time or is she just too nice and really does care about my feelings to just leave?

 

I'm starting to feel cheated, due to her jealousy in the past I lost nearly ALL my friends, have no one to talk to and have no "prospects" in mind. Where she has nearly finished school, found someone as a relationship, and is very quickly moving on.

 

Am I getting dragged along until she figures something out with this guy or does she really want to be around me always? I don't think she is that way but I know her very well and think that she just doesn't want the "pretend" friendliness like with her ex husband and doesn't know how to avoid that.

 

UPDATE!!!

 

We talked again last night (I'm writing these in stages due to lack of sleep and the work season ending)

 

She had an idea about eventually opening a Bed and Breakfast somewhere near here. Due to her almost graduating Culinary school, I told her this was a great idea and that if she really and truly wanted me around always that I could run the lounge for it, and that she knew I always wanted to own a bar of some type. (Again keep in mind we were just sharing ideas, neither one of us really know what we want for our future yet)

 

I said that I wouldn't serve food because she mentioned a lunch and dinner service for people who stayed longer than just a night. And that since we're separated that I wouldn't want to take any business from her.

 

This made her mad and she looked very angry at me and said "EQUAL PARTNERS OR NOTHING" meaning she at the time felt this would be nice to be business partners with her "Best Friend".

 

This to me was very assuring that we would at least always be near each other and a part of each others lives. Maybe she just needs me to step up with her instead of waiting for her to finish school. As another thought this would take me 3 years and I would have to change my plans and go to school for restaurant/bar management instead of computer programming. I'm fine with that since I wasn't sure anyway but always wanted a bar to call my own. However, I'm also afraid she will think I'm doing this only for her and not to make myself happy. She would be right of course but I really wouldn't mind owning a bar and if things didn't work out with us I could always have a bar somewhere else while going again to school for the computer thing.

 

She then later that night tells me this new guy is having problems with us living together and this is starting to upset her because she does care about him and can't lose another special person in her life.

 

I told her "Look, you said if someone can't handle it and is freaking out that they can go **** themselves, because they are not mature enough to understand. After 3 months of spouting how much he cares about you and he can't handle us still living together, you mean to tell me that is going to end up like you hope?"

 

She said I was right but got VERY sad because she feels no one in this world would really be able to handle that kind of situation.

 

Maybe it was a mistake but I guess that is why I'm posting this but I told her this "Don't feel that way, I'm sure there are plenty of open minded people that we will meet in this world that feel the same way" and "If we do meet someone that has a problem with us kissing (no tongue) or watching or favorite shows together or with the kids that we could always change the situation a little to make the other person feel more comfortable"

 

GAWD!!! Typing it and rereading it, it all sounds nuts but this is how we feel. At least me for sure anyway, as long as me and the kids can see her whenever we want.

 

Anyway she asked "Do you really want to hurt people that care about us but can't deal with the situation?"

 

I answered "If you asked me to I would wait for you forever" and "They should have the same respect and love for you or as your best friend they are not worthy of knowing you like that"

 

I felt proud of this statement (just thought I'd share that) she cried and said "I would never ask you to wait for me that isn't fair to you" and "You're right, if you'd wait for me forever someone that says they are falling for me should be patient too"

 

That is the current situation...

 

I'm a mess because I don't understand why the break up if she wants this old lifestyle back, if I'm doing the right thing, or she wants me to fight for her to see if I still really do care about her.

 

I don't know anything and am about to lose my sanity, or my family, or both.

 

This didn't really make me feel better but maybe someone has suggestions or has (I doubt it) been in this type of situation.

 

I just don't want to be used as a crutch until she can afford to leave and then it will just plain end...But being with her for so long I really don't think that's what it is and I can be mature enough to understand that women go through this all the time and statistically come back most of the time after they "find their answers"

 

But DAMMIT does it hurt and confuse the soul...it really does.

 

Thank you if you read this all the way through, sorry it was so long but there is a lot to explain...

 

And please I don't really need to hear..."Screw her" or anything like that, positive statements will be appreciated.

 

Ok it's awful what you are going through,,, we've all been there , ok

 

Sympathy over.... It's going to sound nasty but it's for your own good.

 

The only way to be more of a doormat than you are being at the moment would be to go to the local ink shop to get a tatoo saying "WELCOME"

 

Ohh and that doesn't mean telling your wife "screw her", it means being firm without being a jackass. At the moment you are allowing yourself to be a victim.

[Steadfast]

Your relationship was broken from the beginning. That doesn't mean love wasn't there, it just means (if your description is accurate) that neither one of you put in place the necessary boundaries for a lasting marriage.

 

You can't support 'committed' decisions or issues (like children, business dealing and purchasing property) with an unsupported mindset. Those who view monogamy as a trap have no business in marriage pr parenthood. Large responsibilities demand no less than a strong commitment.

 

You may love her, but let her go. Perhaps apart, you can deal with your issues. Do not allow a women to slot you in her heart. If you do not respect yourself no one else ever will. Romantic love is a solo act; not a group performance.