should i break up with him?

[helpmepls]

Hi guys, im really confused and i hope someone will be able to guide me out of this. Id really appreciate it. Let me introduce myself first. Im 21 and I go to college. Ive been in a relationship for about four years. It all started out good, i guess everybody's relationship does..the honeymoon period..but then we started fighting..on and off...there are good times and bad..we've broken up before but always gotten back together. Now im asking myself is it time to say goodbye for good?

 

These are the reasons why I think we should break up:

 

(1) At times when we fight, he will get really angry and call me names like "slut" or "stupid idiot". But then he would apologize and tell me its just because he cant control his temper and that he doesnt mean it. I know i dont deserve to be called those names. But he has never hit me or anything, however once he was really angry, he hurt himself...im afraid of instances like that in the future.. i hate being called names..but then again i think that maybe everybody gets angry and cant control their tongue? maybe its okay? i don't know whether im making too big a deal out of it

 

(2) I can foresee that my parents wont approve cos education wise im ahead of him...i can foresee that our families will not get along..i can foresee fights when i start working...cos he wouldnt really like me to go on biz trips and stuff... then again are these minor considerations? when you're in love shouldnt you try to fight out the odds?

 

(3) I know im so young and everyone keeps telling me that im closing my doors..like he doesnt let me go clubbing or keep in touch with my guy friends and stuff..he doesnt let me really wear whatever i want and im afraid that one day when im old and gray ill regret restricting my days of youth...but then again i dont really like him getting very close to other females..maybe im twisted too and we're perfect for each other? maybe he turned me this way? and are these minor sacrifices worth it cos he cares about me and loces me? i really dont know

 

On the other hand, when i imagine a life without him i feel so lonely and im afraid of that lonliness...im afraid that ill never find someone else i can click with and who cares about me as much as he does and ill regret losing him...whats the point of having someone really educated but who will cheat behind my back? he is decent and he cares about me..and i care about him too..you can say he is my first love

 

All these considerations are tearing me apart..someone help me pls

[Red Flag Rick]

i love a girl who reasons...

 

your reason one:

 

who wrote The Book of Love? i dunno. but i do know it does not include emotional abuse. he is emotionally abusing you. he needs to seek assistance for this so he can get better... he is messing with your self-esteem and this should be unacceptable to anyone in your position. i would attempt to get him to understand that this is what he is doing and he needs to seek help on this, as i am hoping he regrets his behavior... and no, you do not deserve to be called those demeaning, degrading names. guttermouth needs to zip it - if i can hold my forked tongue, he can too.

 

reason two:

 

them there are major considerations. major like liza minelli considering marriage with a straight guy for a change major.

 

and fight out the odds? "just you and i, sharing our dreams together, and i know in time, we'll build the dreams we treasure....." ugh. i hate cheezy unrealistic love songs.... (this may be before your time, cutie - i was born in the 60's... the year doesn't matter - just remember i am pushin' 30)... you are spotting red flags and questioning them - this is a good thing - it is what you are supposed to do - so you are definitely not cheezy. and you are being realistic..... so don't play underdog here - you know deep down that any description of a healthy relationship does not include fighting out all these odds - your intuition is telling you this.... i bet there are more red flags.... write 'em all down and study them... writing them makes them real and it helps your clarity - helps you see things better.... in matters of healthy relationships and successful lifetime unions, one needs all the favorable odds one can get. it should be a basic expectation as one seeks out their hottie. go with the odds, not against them. define your expectations - write down what you expect a guy to be... make it your bible... this discovery process will increase your self-esteem and it will increase your odds of experiencing a successful relationship.

 

reason three:

 

you are not both twisted and you are not perfect for each other. not in the shape he is in, and not in the shape this relationship is in.... he needs to get better, and as cognizant as you are of these red flags, there's always more one can learn about healthy relationships so that one can be protected from unnecessary drama..... this needs to be your focus these days.... who knows what the future will hold for you two, but some growth in you both would increase your chances of being together... and yes, you appear to be ahead of him, and i assume you mean school education.... i use the word education to mean that you seem to be more emotionally educated than him, and your consideration of your investment in him needs to be constantly monitored.... women (and needy gay men, like i once was) tend to want to take care of and nurture and save the world and make him better and plant a flower and give it one more day and light a candle and blah blah blah... just watch this one.. it sent me down the bottom. and it wasn't a cute bottom.... and i just love irony - he was my first love, too.

 

but back to twentywonderful....

 

Reasoning is necessary and good. Intuition is invaluable. Spotting Red Flags is a technique that involves both. You've got "good bones".... you are already doing this..... so focus on sharpening those skills of yours so you can make sure your time is not wasted and your value is not diminished... we all need to do this and work on our value... remember that you are a commodity and you have worth.

 

and these considerations that you say are tearing you apart, are showing you the truth. recognize their power as positive, not negative. and recognize your ability to manage your future with these skills and and work to make them stronger. focus on this, and i assure you that you will truly see your perceived feelings of loneliness and heartache for what they really are.....

[helpmepls]

hey thanks a lot red flag rick...i really appreciate it...so i guess what you are telling me is just let go right..i guess you are right...but it still feels so painful to let go...i feel like im stupid for going to put myself through so much pain when he still wants to be in this relationship...yet im just trying to look out for the future

 

 

If it's painful now, im afraid its going to be more painful in the future...afraid afraid afraid

[Red Flag Rick]

so choose the pain of letting go - the pain of emotional abuse is much more difficult to recover from - and if you focus on the right things and turn this into a learning/discovery/growth event, the negative feelings will not consume you.... they will, of course, if you let them. it is your choice. that means you have the power to reduce your pain. so continue to look at this relationship with a critical eye - remind yourself that you have to see things clearly so you can make correct choices - and seeing things through your heart will usually get us in trouble.

 

so stay grounded, think with your head and not your heart, and keep it real - you cannot be in a relationship with him and you know the reasons (there's that word) why. not now, anyway - once he gets better and you grow more? who knows... but remember that it would take a gigantic leap for him to please your parents.... he's got some issues, babe, and he is destructive.... he does not have clarity - he needs to see things much more clearly than he does right now, and you need to stay on your path and not be dragged down. try to get him to go speak with a professional, but monitor your investment - you cannot save him, only he can save himself.

 

and do not worry about being alone - quality females who have tapped into their innate female power know what to do to attract high level quality men - and there are guys out there who actually get it, and surprise! they aren't all gay!.... they are str8 and they have evolved and are looking for quality, self-assured women who aren't needy fixer-uppers, clingy insecure lost souls, and codependent messes (you aren't any of this, but so many gals are)....

so many females concentrate on finding mr. right and they forget to educate themselves on how the whole process works - and it starts with each person defining their own value and self-worth, and defining their expectations in a life partner.... i know girls who spent more time planning their wedding day than they did developing their inner selves... so educate yourself all the time... start by doing a search on this board with my screen name and read the posts and learn from other's mistakes... and read other posts from a poster who hits a nerve or rings a bell.....

i read other posts all the time so i can learn from others - there are some great lessons to be learned from this board....

 

you need to learn how to find quality guys..... as i always say, a man should be expected to lead the relationship and manage the female's expectations, but the female needs to know how to find one of these exceptional creatures, as they seem to be more rare than a successful mariah carey movie. focus on yourself and learn how to gain confidence and knowledge so you can become a mighty dating machine - your self-esteem will rise, your dating experiences will be better and your dating drama will be reduced, and you will find a quality guy when you least expect it. if you are doing this datingg thing right, he'll more than likely be a good friend before he is a lover, so keep your eyes open and focus on developing friendships with guys and not instant love connections... you can always maintain control of your experiences this way.... which again, boosts your self-esteem..... it is all connected.....

 

and don't ever settle. none of us should - we simply have the choice not to.

 

someone needs to prove they are worth your time, not the other way around. females run the risk of searching so hard and obsessing so much that is eats away at their value and leaves them way too vulnerable. that's why so many chicks settle. and its why so many girls ruin their lives by having children while still young and single... its why so many females use their bods incorrectly and become the sexual objects that many men and this society have defined women as.... talk about irony.... but its a role fulfillment that a high self-esteem gal won't consider....

 

these negative actions are fed by fear - and you said you are afraid, right?

 

watch that emotion, cutie... it bites.

[helpmepls]

well i just did it. i just broke up with him. thanks again red. but i dont see why you think he is an emotional abuser. he did call me names a few times when he was angry but that wasnt all the time. does that qualify him as an abuser? he never hit me or anything. though when he was upset he would at times talk about suicide and only once did he hurt himself. other than that well he was decent, caring and loving. he did like to control me in a sense but this may sound weird but to an extent i liked it...like he cared so much about me? at times it would get on my nerves but most of the time i could live with it.

 

well its done. i broke up with him. i hope everything works out for the best then.

[Bobbie]

he did call me names a few times when he was angry but that wasnt all the time. does that qualify him as an abuser? he never hit me or anything. though when he was upset he would at times talk about suicide and only once did he hurt himself. other than that well he was decent, caring and loving. he did like to control me in a sense but this may sound weird but to an extent i liked it

 

If you were to stay in a long-term relationship with someone who was angry, insulting or controling, over time your self-esteem would erode and you would become more and more damaged.

 

Verbal abuse always precedes physical violence.

 

Never confuse that sexy fantasy rough guy movie image with reality. The reality of being with an abuser is horrible.

 

There are two excellent books all women should read:

Patricia Evans 'the verbally abusive relationship'

and

Lundy Bancroft 'why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'

 

Never let anyone abuse you, and educate yourself as to what is abuse.

[helpmepls]

thanks bobbie...i feel like i did the right thing now...yet a part of me cant believe i was verbally abused...the term seems too harsh for a few words in a fit of anger...i shld go and read those books..thanks again