TurningTables Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 After reading some posts about people hooking up with their ex's on FB. It made me think about some things. I am currently in IC and trying to figure out how and why I got to where I am right now. My therapist had me print out all my posts here and re-read them. What struck me odd is on my first thread, I made a statement about how social media ruins R's and many A's start from there. BentNotBroken made a comment of how its poor boundaries instead. I think she is right in some aspect. I say this because before xMM and I became romantic, I had two ex BF's on my Fb ask to see me, and I said a huge "NO". I certainly had enough boundaries to say no to them, so why is it I crossed those lines with xMM? Was I in denial about the whole sitaution? I dont know. I think I might have had control when I really didnt. Those boundaries that I had set for myself, he plowed right through. Now that everything is ended, I feel like I was violated emotionally and he manipulated me. Any thoughs or advice is welcome.
East7 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 After reading some posts about people hooking up with their ex's on FB. It made me think about some things. I am currently in IC and trying to figure out how and why I got to where I am right now. My therapist had me print out all my posts here and re-read them. What struck me odd is on my first thread, I made a statement about how social media ruins R's and many A's start from there. BentNotBroken made a comment of how its poor boundaries instead. I think she is right in some aspect. I say this because before xMM and I became romantic, I had two ex BF's on my Fb ask to see me, and I said a huge "NO". I certainly had enough boundaries to say no to them, so why is it I crossed those lines with xMM? Was I in denial about the whole sitaution? I dont know. I think I might have had control when I really didnt. Those boundaries that I had set for myself, he plowed right through. Now that everything is ended, I feel like I was violated emotionally and he manipulated me. Any thoughs or advice is welcome. Social Networks aren't responsible for heartaches and cheating. Technology isn't bad on itself, it how people use it that can be wrong. FB is a tool that makes communication far more easier than before. It is everyone's responsibility to keep boundaries. You might have met MM in a bar, in a social activity, at a party...wherever. You fell for MM and not exes, because Exes were history. You put your boundaries according to your Interest Level. Pretty high for exes, pretty low for a charming MM. You let him charm you because you liked him and you wanted him to like you back, plain simple. Denial is saying : "it is FB fault and MM manipulated me". MM wouldn't be able to seduce you if you didn't let him to. Many As begin with harmless little flirting, it doesn't seem like a bid deal then the boundaries are like a river dam overflowed by an ocean of emotions. Don't beat yourself too much about the boundaries. When I first came here on LS, many BS bashed me telling me it was all my fault because I had zero boundaries, but I can tell how it is to get involved with someone married. When you start to think about boundaries, in general it is too late. It's done, no worth crying over the spilled milk ! You are asking the wrong questions. Instead of wondering why did you fell for him, ask how to get over him. First step is to heal, second step is to learn from that and build healthy boundaries. Begin with step one
half_ofa_heart Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Social Networks aren't responsible for heartaches and cheating. Technology isn't bad on itself, it how people use it that can be wrong. FB is a tool that makes communication far more easier than before. It is everyone's responsibility to keep boundaries. You might have met MM in a bar, in a social activity, at a party...wherever. You fell for MM and not exes, because Exes were history. You put your boundaries according to your Interest Level. Pretty high for exes, pretty low for a charming MM. You let him charm you because you liked him and you wanted him to like you back, plain simple. Denial is saying : "it is FB fault and MM manipulated me". MM wouldn't be able to seduce you if you didn't let him to. Many As begin with harmless little flirting, it doesn't seem like a bid deal then the boundaries are like a river dam overflowed by an ocean of emotions. Don't beat yourself too much about the boundaries. When I first came here on LS, many BS bashed me telling me it was all my fault because I had zero boundaries, but I can tell how it is to get involved with someone married. When you start to think about boundaries, in general it is too late. It's done, no worth crying over the spilled milk ! You are asking the wrong questions. Instead of wondering why did you fell for him, ask how to get over him. First step is to heal, second step is to learn from that and build healthy boundaries. Begin with step one Once again East... So incredibly insighful! What would LS do without you?! Being Totally serious!!!!
jwi71 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 You put your boundaries according to your Interest Level. Then there are no boundaries. I think this precisely shows how A's happen - complete lack of boundaries which is what this is saying. When someone has high interest they lower their boundaries to allow for the romance/date/affair/whatever to happen. It's a choice pure and simple and one made dependent upon how badly one WANTS an R to develop. I wonder how it would go if one had TRUE boundaries. And by these I mean...NEVER crossing a pre-existing line, such as "OH, you're married...see ya" and not one that is readily moved based upon an immediate emotional reaction. Boundaries, impulse control...its all the same really.
Confused4Now Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 You are asking the wrong questions. Instead of wondering why did you fell for him, ask how to get over him. First step is to heal, second step is to learn from that and build healthy boundaries. Begin with step one You are truly my long lost brother East...I was just about to say this in bold. I agree it all begins when they've had enough.
Author TurningTables Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Social Networks aren't responsible for heartaches and cheating. Technology isn't bad on itself, it how people use it that can be wrong. FB is a tool that makes communication far more easier than before. It is everyone's responsibility to keep boundaries. You might have met MM in a bar, in a social activity, at a party...wherever. You fell for MM and not exes, because Exes were history. You put your boundaries according to your Interest Level. Pretty high for exes, pretty low for a charming MM. You let him charm you because you liked him and you wanted him to like you back, plain simple. Denial is saying : "it is FB fault and MM manipulated me". MM wouldn't be able to seduce you if you didn't let him to. Many As begin with harmless little flirting, it doesn't seem like a bid deal then the boundaries are like a river dam overflowed by an ocean of emotions. Don't beat yourself too much about the boundaries. When I first came here on LS, many BS bashed me telling me it was all my fault because I had zero boundaries, but I can tell how it is to get involved with someone married. When you start to think about boundaries, in general it is too late. It's done, no worth crying over the spilled milk ! You are asking the wrong questions. Instead of wondering why did you fell for him, ask how to get over him. First step is to heal, second step is to learn from that and build healthy boundaries. Begin with step one lol..East, you bring up some really good points. However, xMM is/was an ex from 15 years ago. We dated briefly, but he never pushed the R, so I moved on. Only to find out later from him, that he wanted a R with me. You would have to know him to understand him I guess. I am exploring the boundaries because it is important to me that I re-establish them. I do not ever want to find myself in the same situation again. I walk around questioning every decision that I make now and its driving me batty.
fooled once Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 After reading some posts about people hooking up with their ex's on FB. It made me think about some things. I am currently in IC and trying to figure out how and why I got to where I am right now. My therapist had me print out all my posts here and re-read them. What struck me odd is on my first thread, I made a statement about how social media ruins R's and many A's start from there. BentNotBroken made a comment of how its poor boundaries instead. I think she is right in some aspect. I say this because before xMM and I became romantic, I had two ex BF's on my Fb ask to see me, and I said a huge "NO". I certainly had enough boundaries to say no to them, so why is it I crossed those lines with xMM? Was I in denial about the whole sitaution? I dont know. I think I might have had control when I really didnt. Those boundaries that I had set for myself, he plowed right through. Now that everything is ended, I feel like I was violated emotionally and he manipulated me. Any thoughs or advice is welcome. Bent rocks!! xMM was someone from your past that you were curious about. Your ex's were more recent (I am guessing!) Those were relationships you had ended (or they did) because they had run their course. xMM was different in that sense. It was a past relationship that you felt had not played out in a way that the current ex's had. Hon, you didn't have boundaries that he plowed through - because you really hadn't any boundaries. Did you say to yourself that you would never pursue a relationship with a MM? You probably hadn't even thought much about it. I don't know if you were violated emotionally or manipulated. I think in some ways, you encouraged the manipulation because there were no boundaries (if that makes sense). You know I care about you..I just want to make sure you are slapping yourself in the head and owning what your part was; and not just saying "he did it". I know for me, I could easily say it was all the xMM's fault - he was separated when we met and he never said anything for a year about returning to the marital home after his lease expired. Heck, I didn't even know he was doing that until that weekend that he moved. My gut told me to end things - he made a choice - but I allowed myself to believe the crap that came out of his mouth I think back and could kick myself for being so naive and so trusting! A huge lesson learned for me Social Networks aren't responsible for heartaches and cheating. FB is a tool that makes communication far more easier than before. It is everyone's responsibility to keep boundaries. You might have met MM in a bar, in a social activity, at a party...wherever. You fell for MM and not exes, because Exes were history. You put your boundaries according to your Interest Level. Pretty high for exes, pretty low for a charming MM. You let him charm you because you liked him and you wanted him to like you back, plain simple. Denial is saying : "it is FB fault and MM manipulated me". MM wouldn't be able to seduce you if you didn't let him to. Many As begin with harmless little flirting, it doesn't seem like a bid deal then the boundaries are like a river dam overflowed by an ocean of emotions. Don't beat yourself too much about the boundaries. When I first came here on LS, many BS bashed me telling me it was all my fault because I had zero boundaries, but I can tell how it is to get involved with someone married. When you start to think about boundaries, in general it is too late. It's done, no worth crying over the spilled milk ! You are asking the wrong questions. Instead of wondering why did you fell for him, ask how to get over him. First step is to heal, second step is to learn from that and build healthy boundaries. Begin with step one BINGO! Great post East!!!
Circular Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Guns don't kill people, people kill people. Social media doesn't create affairs, people create them. The only thing that social media does is lower the rejection threshold, creates a screen of anonymity where people feel more comfortable saying things they might not say face-to-face. But it's those people, with those feelings that cross boundaries.
Author TurningTables Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Bent rocks!! xMM was someone from your past that you were curious about. Your ex's were more recent (I am guessing!) Those were relationships you had ended (or they did) because they had run their course. xMM was different in that sense. It was a past relationship that you felt had not played out in a way that the current ex's had. Hon, you didn't have boundaries that he plowed through - because you really hadn't any boundaries. Did you say to yourself that you would never pursue a relationship with a MM? You probably hadn't even thought much about it. I don't know if you were violated emotionally or manipulated. I think in some ways, you encouraged the manipulation because there were no boundaries (if that makes sense). You know I care about you..I just want to make sure you are slapping yourself in the head and owning what your part was; and not just saying "he did it". I know for me, I could easily say it was all the xMM's fault - he was separated when we met and he never said anything for a year about returning to the marital home after his lease expired. Heck, I didn't even know he was doing that until that weekend that he moved. My gut told me to end things - he made a choice - but I allowed myself to believe the crap that came out of his mouth I think back and could kick myself for being so naive and so trusting! A huge lesson learned for me BINGO! Great post East!!! FO: Trust me, I slap myself all the time, more here recently with all the crap of him telling me that he moved out/then moved back in...blah blah blah. I was so embrassed with myself for even thinking the things I had.Which is my denial! Some things that were brought to the surface IC was the fact that now I dont think Im the only one he was doing this to. He had told me awhile back that he had been out at the bars dancing with other women, that they hit on him, he could have taken them home..et..etc. I look back and go WTF was I thinking? He's got some serious problems. Why would I want to put myself in that situation and lower myself to being/wanting someone like that? These are the things Im trying to figure out. You and East are right about my boundaries, I thought I had them, but I didnt. This fact scares me. I never want to go through this hell again. I do take full responsablility in what I did. I feel guilty and shame for what I did. Not only to myself, but to his W. I just now walk around not trusting myself at all and the only one that can answer all these things is me, and right now, Im really mad at her. lol
NoIDidn't Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 I want to add this thought. Maybe you were open to MM's advances, even though he was an ex, because you thought his being married would shield you? I've seen a lot of people feel completely free to flirt with the married guy because he's "safe" and married. They are very surprised when the married guy actually flirts back. That's when they start to rationalize that he wouldn't be doing that if his marriage was solid, but they are completely forgetting that he is still a man - a man that likes being desired by women. Could it be that you blurred the lines with him because you were unprepared for him to flirt back and pursue something with you? That you allowed yourself to be flattered? And that is what tore your boundaries down? (I ask this based on personal experience, btdt - tshirt )
Author TurningTables Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 I want to add this thought. Maybe you were open to MM's advances, even though he was an ex, because you thought his being married would shield you? I've seen a lot of people feel completely free to flirt with the married guy because he's "safe" and married. They are very surprised when the married guy actually flirts back. That's when they start to rationalize that he wouldn't be doing that if his marriage was solid, but they are completely forgetting that he is still a man - a man that likes being desired by women. Could it be that you blurred the lines with him because you were unprepared for him to flirt back and pursue something with you? That you allowed yourself to be flattered? And that is what tore your boundaries down? (I ask this based on personal experience, btdt - tshirt ) You see this is what gets me about the whole thing. I was never really physically attracted to xMM back in HS. Its partly because I was totally into someone else at the time. We never had a problem with the mental connection though. So, when we came back into contact, it was the same as it was before.Our friendship was completely platonic (at least on my end) for over a year. I saw him as a friend and nothing else. Something started to change and looking back I should have seen it. Im not sure who flirted with who first, but he would say things such as "If he had ended up with me instead of his W, this/that/the other wouldnt have happen" etc. I would often tell him he needed to give his young child a sibling, and his comment was always " Are you volunterring?". It moved from all that to he was going to introduce me to his child, he talked about staying in contact with his in laws if something happen between him and his W. I believed every line and every word that came from him. Yes, he made me feel really nice about myself. It had been a long time since I had let anyone that close. So I do understand what you are saying about letting my boundaries down. I guess I just chose the wrong, wrong person to do so. Now Im left with lost time, mixed emotions and being afraid to be me.
NoIDidn't Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 You see this is what gets me about the whole thing. I was never really physically attracted to xMM back in HS. Its partly because I was totally into someone else at the time. We never had a problem with the mental connection though. So, when we came back into contact, it was the same as it was before.Our friendship was completely platonic (at least on my end) for over a year. I saw him as a friend and nothing else. Something started to change and looking back I should have seen it. Im not sure who flirted with who first, but he would say things such as "If he had ended up with me instead of his W, this/that/the other wouldnt have happen" etc. I would often tell him he needed to give his young child a sibling, and his comment was always " Are you volunterring?". It moved from all that to he was going to introduce me to his child, he talked about staying in contact with his in laws if something happen between him and his W. I believed every line and every word that came from him. Yes, he made me feel really nice about myself. It had been a long time since I had let anyone that close. So I do understand what you are saying about letting my boundaries down. I guess I just chose the wrong, wrong person to do so. Now Im left with lost time, mixed emotions and being afraid to be me. Wow, when you put it like that, it sounds like he's done this sort of thing before. I know those guys. The ones that fill your head with thoughts of possibilities between you and them. That's what broke your boundaries down. That's where you will find how to stop it from happening next time. I so totally get the "not physically attracted to him" statement. I have a few "player" friends that I am not attracted to, but can't talk to for long because their words do get to you even if you aren't attracted to them. They can appear so vulnerable and like they need you sincerely. It may be that your boundaries were there, just extremely weakened given that he was actively working on getting them to come down.
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