favabean Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I'm new to the forum and just need some reassurance that what I'm doing is right. I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because he was so in love with me he wanted to be with me forever. I, on the other hand, really enjoyed being with him, but I just didn't feel nearly as strongly and knew I never would. Our relationship changed to long distance a couple months ago, and since I have no plans of being together with him in the future, it seemed best to end it as soon as possible, since I knew the longer I kept his hopes up, the more heartbroken he'd be. It was sad for both of us, but while I know it's what I truly want, he's devastated. He really didn't want to go No Contact, but I thought it would be for the best, for both of us, to be able to start to move on. I told him a few weeks of NC, but it's only been a few days, and I have REALLY STRONG urges to talk to him. I miss him a lot and feel lonely, since we were so close. But I know it's wrong to "play games" with him because I DON'T want to get back together. Every time I see him online, though, I am SO CLOSE to chatting him up... I have close calls every day. What should I do? How do I resist my temptation?
lymtal1 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 fav, leave him be. if you really don't want to hurt him further don't contact him. it will only give him hope and he does not need that now. i think you did the right thing as you were both in different places. you contacting him is totally to make you feel better in some way. trust me when i tell you this. he will feel so good to hear from you, and then will go right back to the day when you broke up with him when he realizes you don't want to be back with him. i was there. it was very painful. let him be. this can't be about you, that's how you resist temptation.
Author favabean Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Thank you. That was exactly what I needed to hear.
mike588 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Don't contact him. My ex. g/f dumped me two months ago even though I want sooooo bad to hear from her I know it will only open the painful wound and it will be a setback for me.
TheDovic Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Sorry to hear about this, it really sucks, but you know you can't contact him! Every time you do he'll get false hope and will be crushed when you tell him you don't see a future together. It'll be like breaking up with him all over again and I'm sure this isn't what either of you want or need! Let him heal and then maybe you can be friends. Until then if you keep coming into his life and giving him hope (even by stating you only want to be friends) it'll just lead to resentment on his part!
TheDovic Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 PS, can I ask why you couldn't see a future with him? Was it his personality, his behaviour, his looks maybe!?? If you'd rather not say that's fine, but it might be useful for a few of us guys to know what women in this situation are thinking when they break up with us. Seems to be a very common thing on this site when the girl likes the boy as a friend but doesn't see them as long term relationship material. Thanks
Zabs Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 It's already been said but no contact yeah? If you care for him at all, let him heal and find someone that will love him the way he deserves to be loved...and also for you, someone that you are more compatible with. Zabs xx
Glove_slap Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 do what you feel is right. since whatever we say right now will just go through one hypothetical ear and out the other.
Author favabean Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 PS, can I ask why you couldn't see a future with him? Was it his personality, his behaviour, his looks maybe!?? If you'd rather not say that's fine, but it might be useful for a few of us guys to know what women in this situation are thinking when they break up with us. Seems to be a very common thing on this site when the girl likes the boy as a friend but doesn't see them as long term relationship material. Thanks Thanks to all; I've been coming back here to read your encouragements not to break NC when I feel tempted. And Dovic, I CAN'T speak for all women!!! I'm sure all women feel differently about boyfriends they break up with when they're not crazy about him. And feelings are mysterious. Personally, I really liked him and even grew to love him. But I never felt like being with him fulfilled my life (something he would say to me) or that I was even truly happier being with him rather than alone. I loved the physical intimacy and was (and still am) very attracted to him. And I thought he was a good guy. I just never "fell" for him or thought he really understood me in a deep way. I always thought of it as an enjoyable phase of my life with someone I cared about, but when I thought about me in the future, and what I will do in my life, I just don't see him beside me. I hope that helps, but again, all people are different. And as you can see, it's such a sad breakup because he was a good boyfriend. He didn't do anything wrong. I just don't want to ruin his life, which I might have done if I stayed with him for another year.
Itsm Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 How long were you with him for? and were you two friends before you got together?
Author favabean Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 How long were you with him for? and were you two friends before you got together? We were together for about 6 months, and no, we weren't really friends before. Just friendly acquaintances.
Eddie Edirol Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) Understand that youre just detoxing from being with him, those are the strong urges. You shouldnt be wanting to contact him just because you feel lonely. It was an amicable breakup, I hope you told him the real reason you broke it off. If not, then you probably feel guilty for not telling him the real reason. You still want to hear from him because it wasnt a bad breakup. Like everyone else says, do the best favor you can for him, do not contact him, and let him heal without you interfering and setting him back. Edited October 8, 2011 by Eddie Edirol
eleanorhurting Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 my ex has been giving me false hopes for months. He says one day "i dont know if things are going to change" and then he says "there is no way i can ever be in a relationship with you because you have done too many things that make it impossible for me to be in a relationship with you (such as getting angry and saying things out of anger). " He has no idea how much he hurt me with this sick cycle carrousel. Do him a favor and DO NOT CONTACT HIM
TheDovic Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 Thanks to all; I've been coming back here to read your encouragements not to break NC when I feel tempted. And Dovic, I CAN'T speak for all women!!! I'm sure all women feel differently about boyfriends they break up with when they're not crazy about him. And feelings are mysterious. Personally, I really liked him and even grew to love him. But I never felt like being with him fulfilled my life (something he would say to me) or that I was even truly happier being with him rather than alone. I loved the physical intimacy and was (and still am) very attracted to him. And I thought he was a good guy. I just never "fell" for him or thought he really understood me in a deep way. I always thought of it as an enjoyable phase of my life with someone I cared about, but when I thought about me in the future, and what I will do in my life, I just don't see him beside me. I hope that helps, but again, all people are different. And as you can see, it's such a sad breakup because he was a good boyfriend. He didn't do anything wrong. I just don't want to ruin his life, which I might have done if I stayed with him for another year. Thanks Favabean, that clarified things a bit for me
SoulFinger Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 I'm new to the forum and just need some reassurance that what I'm doing is right. I broke up with my boyfriend a few days ago because he was so in love with me he wanted to be with me forever. I, on the other hand, really enjoyed being with him, but I just didn't feel nearly as strongly and knew I never would. Our relationship changed to long distance a couple months ago, and since I have no plans of being together with him in the future, it seemed best to end it as soon as possible, since I knew the longer I kept his hopes up, the more heartbroken he'd be. It was sad for both of us, but while I know it's what I truly want, he's devastated. He really didn't want to go No Contact, but I thought it would be for the best, for both of us, to be able to start to move on. I told him a few weeks of NC, but it's only been a few days, and I have REALLY STRONG urges to talk to him. I miss him a lot and feel lonely, since we were so close. But I know it's wrong to "play games" with him because I DON'T want to get back together. Every time I see him online, though, I am SO CLOSE to chatting him up... I have close calls every day. What should I do? How do I resist my temptation? You did the 'right' thing and please don't contact him because then you do the 'wrong' thing.Don't give him false hope please.I know you are tempted at times but if you truly care for him be strong and leave him to get over you.
SoulFinger Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 my ex has been giving me false hopes for months. He says one day "i dont know if things are going to change" and then he says "there is no way i can ever be in a relationship with you because you have done too many things that make it impossible for me to be in a relationship with you (such as getting angry and saying things out of anger). " He has no idea how much he hurt me with this sick cycle carrousel. Do him a favor and DO NOT CONTACT HIM Same happened to me too Eleanor so yes you are absolutely right..it hurts like hell.
Sweety90 Posted October 8, 2011 Posted October 8, 2011 You shouldn't contact him...he may not be over you but maybe he is doing a little better...maybe he just got used to be away from u and thats a big step...and if u contact him at this point its going to bring him down all over again and worse this time...you can only break a guys heart so many times before his heart can stay broken forever...i've done this to a guy and trust me i feel guilty for it everyday...Unless you are ready to absolutely commit to him..i suggest you let him move on ...And as for struggling through NC, well no one said its going to be easy.... you just have to keep yourself as busy as possible..and when u miss him just think of a funny moment you had with each other...Remember the good times and move on...Its rlly not easy...but time heals the deepest scars....
Author favabean Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 Understand that youre just detoxing from being with him, those are the strong urges. You shouldnt be wanting to contact him just because you feel lonely. Hey, I really like that way of thinking about it! I just got one of those really strong urges and am so glad I came back to this thread to read the new posts! And yes, I told him all the reasons in a really coherent way (I think). I was sensitive, but not "gentle" because he needed to understand the truth, which is harsh--the huge imbalance in the relationship. It's tough, though, because he didn't want to really accept the gravity of what I was saying to him; he wanted to cling on. I'm hoping in this period of NC he'll have a chance to think things through, talk to people with good advice, etc., and start to accept what's happened. It must be so hard for him if I'M having this much trouble! I told him 2 weeks NC, so I guess that means we're going to have a "check-up" conversation with each other at the end of this week (one week down!)--online, that is, since we're long distance--and then I guess I expect to continue NC for an indefinite period. We'll see what happens. I know have to be careful not to give him false hope when I talk to him and express my concern for his wellbeing, etc., but I did promise we would be in touch at the end of the two weeks, so it's not the same as "breaking" NC. I am discovering that two weeks is much longer than I thought it would be!!! Ok, it's Saturday night--time to go be with friends!!!!
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