betrayal11 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) Maybe I'm stupid for not forseeing this but this is what happened and I feel betrayed. My husband and I adopted a 16 year old girl who had a troubled past of running away being sexually abused beaten and did drugs in the past and was having issues with being accepted since she was considered “transgendered in her town. We took her in as our own paid for her therapy college tuition supported her and I considered her the only daughter I had at the time. I didn't pay attention to the fact that she was partial to him for that reason at all. I feel like a fool to have this happen. Now 5 years later she’s 21 and I’ve come to find out that my and husband and she have been having a 2 year relationship and feel so angry betrayed and like a fool for not realizing it. I want to sue them both. But I don’t even see that if that’s possible? Advice? Edited October 6, 2011 by betrayal11
Lucky_One Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Betrayal11, I can't imagine anything more painful. I am truly sorry for you. I don't even know how to advise you, except to gather as much loving support around you as you can. (((((Betrayal11)))))
ScienceGal Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Give him a high five for me please. That's just a horrible response. I cannot even begin to comprehend what you are going through. I recommend immediate counseling. This is a very complicated situation and you should sit down with a professional and discuss the details. You should also sit down with a lawyer if you're planning to divorce. Good luck to you.
SoleMate Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Agree with counseling and lawyer. Also would like to point out, that as the "adult" in the situation, your H bears 98% of the fault. And I'm assuming that this all started when the girl was 19....which frankly strains credulity just a bit; I believe it is likely your H came on to her when she was still a minor. Any man willing to boink his 19-year old foster daughter would have few compunctions about his 17-year old foster daughter. Please think of her, she is not at fault for this. How many of us have had to withstand a sexual approach by our fathers? Not many, I hope.
Silly_Girl Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 How many of us have had to withstand a sexual approach by our fathers? Not many, I hope. That's not something you'd generally be open with family about - at any age. The elder party definitely carries the moral burden and rightly so.
Heart On Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Give him a high five for me please. You are as sick as he is! She was molested by an adult.He should be reported to the Authorities and held accountable for being a pedophile.Jail time might teach him to keep his hands off his daughter!~ She is a victim.Treat her as such by getting her into therapy AGAIN!
stillafool Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 This is awful. Your husband is pond scum. I think your foster daughter is awful as well. I'm sorry but this girl has been around and she certainly knows what is right and what is wrong. Especially with her past I would think she lwould ove you enough to tell you what he has been proposing. I'm so sorry for your pain and I hope you never have to set eyes on either of them again.
no expectations Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 16 year old girl who had a troubled past of running away being sexually abused beaten and did drugs in the past and was having issues with being accepted since she was considered “transgendered in her town. I'm sincerely sorry. You are a victim of your husband's choice. However, your adopted daughter is a product of her environment. She has been sexualized her whole young life. There is no way someone with the past she has endured would have the ability or self worth to stand up to an authority figure such as her foster father and assert herself. Abuse of any kind, especially sexual, made her a very easy target for him. Being sexually abused at a young age can cause some to bond with their abuser. She is relying on the coping skills she learned when all her abuse began.
MissBee Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I'm sincerely sorry. You are a victim of your husband's choice. However, your adopted daughter is a product of her environment. She has been sexualized her whole young life. There is no way someone with the past she has endured would have the ability or self worth to stand up to an authority figure such as her foster father and assert herself. Abuse of any kind, especially sexual, made her a very easy target for him. Being sexually abused at a young age can cause some to bond with their abuser. She is relying on the coping skills she learned when all her abuse began. I completely agree. The husband is completely in the wrong IMO and I cannot even imagine this..... I am terribly sorry about this and so second those who suggested counseling and also a lawyer. This is A LOT to work through. If I were in your in position I would be divorcing this man as for me, I see no getting over this. But counseling is the first step to help you to process and make sense of this entire fiasco. I really wish you well in handling this matter and healing from it.
seren Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I would imagine you are feeling betrayed by both and probably feeling a bit like a prize mug too. I understand if you feel these things, But, the girl has had a history of not fitting in or belonging, imagine for one moment how she must have felt to be getting attention and probably told how good and wonderful she is by a man she probably trusted and held in high esteem. I simply cannot imagine how you must feel you don't say if they are still in your home or are living together. He has to move out, I also cannot imagine how you begin to put aside your feelings of love toward her and help her. On the one hand she is your daughter on the other the OW. It sounds like your H has piss poor boundaries and has taken advantage of a young, confused hurt young woman. It beggars belief how he even took the first step. What do you want to happen? I would get some support for her, if she feels she needs it, she might not, she might not see there being anything wrong, what has she said, if indeed anything, to you. Is there remorse from her? What a bloody awful situation for you, I hope you have support IRL and that you are able to throw him as far as you can out of your home. The biggest problem as far as I can see, is distancing yourself from her, when I am sure your instincts want to help her. I think I would try to speak with her and let her know your concerns and how his actions are predatory. I so wish you the very best and hope you post back as you will get loads of support on LS, except of course from the usual knobbers.
Emme Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 :bunny:HUG:bunny: I will say that right now you need to be happy that this is out in the open. Even though this hurts you would still be in the shadows, at least be happy that it’s now out in the open. She is an adult and so is he. They made the choice. I know she has had a hard life but still in the end she made the choice. This is the same story as Woody Allen and Morgan Freeman. You have to be strong and know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. It's a dark one but still keep moving forward. Get as much help and support as you can to deal with this ordeal. I wish you the best and even though you might not see this situation in a positive light, try and remember everything happens for a reason. Best wishes to you.
Trimmer Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 ...having issues with being accepted since she was considered “transgendered in her town. Can you clarify the meaning of this?
phillyfan Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) Maybe I'm stupid for not forseeing this but this is what happened and I feel betrayed. My husband and I adopted a 16 year old girl who had a troubled past of running away being sexually abused beaten and did drugs in the past and was having issues with being accepted since she was considered “transgendered in her town. We took her in as our own paid for her therapy college tuition supported her and I considered her the only daughter I had at the time. I didn't pay attention to the fact that she was partial to him for that reason at all. I feel like a fool to have this happen. Now 5 years later she’s 21 and I’ve come to find out that my and husband and she have been having a 2 year relationship and feel so angry betrayed and like a fool for not realizing it. I want to sue them both. But I don’t even see that if that’s possible? Advice? Dude i know u r hurtin, and u hav every rite to be. BUT this kid...jeez. Every adult in her life has let her down, abused her, hurt her, treatd her like a pieca crap. She had no love, shes been treatd like a dog. U were so good 2 take her in, n her 'pops' - I am sure she trustd him like no otha, lookd up 2 him, the only dude in her life that she thort gave a crap about her but u know what, he used her just like evry otha dude. Dude I am sorry but ur husband makes me sick, how can he take advantage of a kid whos been abused like tht? Yea be angry at her, i can see why u wud, but shes been manipulatd bad. He shud hav been a pops 2 her, insted he had sex wit her. Thats sick. I know she hurt u bad but shes stil a victim. If u can find it in ur hart 2 stil be a parent 2 her, even if u tel her u r 2 angry 2 talk to her proper rite now, show her u r stil a parent, shes stil worth lookin afta. Cause u know what girl? U r stil the only person in her life who aint lovin her just becos u can have sex with her, or use her. U r a big deal 2 her. Thts some big sh*t rite there. She mayb aint gona listen rite now but belive me, ppl rememba this typa stuff. Edited October 6, 2011 by phillyfan
whichwayisup Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Your husband knows better and took advantage. HE is the adult in that situation, not your adopted daughter. Yes, she has many issues, has a way of handling things, has made bad choice in her life, has had it rough .. But, she isn't completely innocent as she does know right from wrong but her thinking process and maybe not understanding 'consquences' isn't firing properly in her head. Either way, fault is fault, blame is blame, but this falls on your H's shoulders because he let it happen.
Author betrayal11 Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 actually she was the one who came onto him how it seems at least. I came across their texts. And it wasn't illegal what they did seeing she was over 18. I don't think when she was a kid he had that interest in her.
CarrieT Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 actually she was the one who came onto him how it seems at least. I came across their texts. And it wasn't illegal what they did seeing she was over 18. I don't think when she was a kid he had that interest in her. It just SEEMS this way and I can explain why as an early abuse victim... I was statutorily raped as a 17-year old and at the time, I thought I was the one who came on to the older man (a high school teacher). Now that I am approaching 50, I realize now that I was just looking for love and acceptance in the only place that was comfortable for me - in sex. Now there is a fine line between 17 and 18 but if she had been previously abused, I can guarantee that she really was not in her right, ADULT, rational mind. She just went for what was comfortable and available and your husband should have known better and turned her down. It is what an adult, responsible man would have done. I know it seems hard, but she really is the victim here as well - even though it will probably take her another two or three decades to realize how it all unfolded was wrong and a disservice to herself in her own growth process.
Author betrayal11 Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 she wasn't 17 18 she was 19. She had explicitly said in her texts she had been attracted to him since we all first met but knew he wouldn't accept it. I am ggetting a divorce but it's like not enoough to me or to my kids. and to the other poster. She lived as a guy in her other town. And so ppl suspected she was transgeender.
noel2 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 OMG, I am so so sorry for your pain. I can't give advice about what happened and how to resolve it, but I can say this, if you get past this, which you will cuz I can tell you're strong, you can conquer anything. Are they still seeing each other?
phillyfan Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 she wasn't 17 18 she was 19. She had explicitly said in her texts she had been attracted to him since we all first met but knew he wouldn't accept it. I am ggetting a divorce but it's like not enoough to me or to my kids. and to the other poster. She lived as a guy in her other town. And so ppl suspected she was transgeender. Dude i know ur tryin hard 2 belive it was all her. I guess its normal then u can get back wit the husband n blame it all on the girl. But shes an abused kid, he did sumthin real bad n took advantage. She probly tryed 2 live like a dude cos she was so messd up frm all the abuse. Wat kinda man has sex wit a girl tht messed up wen he is ment 2 be carin 4 her? I get u r angry n hurtin, u need time 4 u just now. But see how so many posters here r sayin d same thing.
CarrieT Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Dude i know ur tryin hard 2 belive it was all her. I guess its normal then u can get back wit the husband n blame it all on the girl. But shes an abused kid, he did sumthin real bad n took advantage. She probly tryed 2 live like a dude cos she was so messd up frm all the abuse. Wat kinda man has sex wit a girl tht messed up wen he is ment 2 be carin 4 her? I get u r angry n hurtin, u need time 4 u just now. But see how so many posters here r sayin d same thing. Could you consider communicating in complete sentences with real words? This isn't Twitter and trying to translate what you are saying may or may not be helpful - it is too hard to read to figure out. Lastly, the OP is a woman- not a "dude." Maybe show a little respect...
stillafool Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 she wasn't 17 18 she was 19. She had explicitly said in her texts she had been attracted to him since we all first met but knew he wouldn't accept it. I am ggetting a divorce but it's like not enoough to me or to my kids. and to the other poster. She lived as a guy in her other town. And so ppl suspected she was transgeender. I'm sorry I agree. 19 years old is an adult. I hope you just take care of yourself and your kids. I'm glad you are divorcing him, he has probably always been attracted to teenage girls. I just could never look at him again. I can't believe Morgan Freeman did this also. What a scuzbALL.
Linda9999 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Ha - I just saw a post by your husband on another board I am on. Is someone pregnant?
SoleMate Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Thanks to CarrieT for explaining a possible dynamic in this type of unhealthy situation. The foster father has an absolute moral and legal duty to refrain from sex with the girl REGARDLESS of whether she approached him. He knew her very troubled past, filled with abuse. The foster home was meant to be a haven and a place where she could experience NORMAL, HEALTHY relationships and perhaps for the first time in her life, receive male love and attention that was not exploitative. Let's assume for a minute that she tested boundaries by approaching the foster father in a "come-on" manner. He knew full well that because of her background, her doing so was a strong possibility. His duty was ABSOLUTELY clear and instead, he took advantage of this troubled girl. Again I ask, how many women now posting have had to endure a lifetime of abuse and then withstand multiple sexual passes by father figures? What he did was similar to shoving a crippled child and crutches and then blaming her for falling down. I am shocked by those who make the argument, "She was 19 so she is at fault." Baloney! What kind of family do YOU consider normal? Healthy people in a family relationship do not have sex, and if they do, the one in the "adult" role is ALWAYS at fault (except in truly far-fetched cases). This is so basic.
alexandria35 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Could you consider communicating in complete sentences with real words? This isn't Twitter and trying to translate what you are saying may or may not be helpful - it is too hard to read to figure out. Lastly, the OP is a woman- not a "dude." Maybe show a little respect... phillyfan is alright in my books. His posting style is a bit different but he always shows a great deal of insight. He calls everyone dude but he always treats posters with respect and compassion. Just gotta get use to his style:)
Author betrayal11 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 well the laws don't really change. Nothing illegal was done where police could get involved. As far as I know she did enjoy a normal family life when she lived with us. I don't really think I can do anything about that. But everything that happened was terrible it's just hard to realize those I loved had different intentions. It just sucks just to walk away and not have anything to do myself. And no I don't think anyone's pregnant. As far as I know she can't really get pregnant. But anything's possible. I hope not though. I wouldn't be surprised if she tried to get pregnant. It wouldn't matter since we're done. It would though be not the best for the kids though.
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