calreese Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 It's taken me 2 months to realize what I'm about to tell you, but I feel so much better now and I hope you can all understand what I'm about to say and get to the point I am at now. Regardless of the details surrounding your break up, whose fault it was, whether you begged and pleaded, whether you're NC or not, you can save yourself a lot of time and emotional pain by loving yourself. The past 3 weekends have been 3 of the best weekends of my life. I've spent time with friends, I've been open to spending time with new people, I've gone into every situation with an open mind, and I've laughed and flirted and been confident in myself. I've made memories that don't involve my ex, and its helping me forget about her at a very quick rate. I'm finally enjoying myself and loving my life while being myself. This is where the win-win comes in. If you start enjoying yourself and having an open mind about everything, happiness will follow. There are two possibilities when considering your ex (assuming you start behaving like mentioned above). She/he will either not care and have moved on anyway, in which case you are well on your way to establishing yourself as a strong, independent individual. Confidence is attractive, and if you can enjoy yourself and make your own fun then people will naturally be attracted to you and you will be making new friends and getting phone numbers left and right. On the other hand, if your ex see's that you're enjoying yourself much more than they thought you would, they might be curious to why you've moved on or how you can be so happy without them. This may bring them back around to find out more, at which point you have the choice to ignore or engage. My advice to you is to make plans to go out with friends or family, and try your best to enjoy yourself and be confident that you are a fun person to be around. Once you get into the groove of enjoying yourself and moving on, things will become so much easier. It's cliche but you have to get yourself back before you can get your ex back (and it may turn out that by the time you've gotten yourself back you've realized you want something better or different). Good luck and love yourself
funnyface Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 thanks so much, this is such a great post I have been trying to do this since my breakup and it really helps. There are still times when I feel down and sad (like today) but coming here and reading things like this to keep me on track helps enormously thanks again!
barriob Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 true. I need to do this. instead i have been afraid to let go and move on. I should be going on and being happy. He broke up with me, so i shouldnt be chasing him. He texts me when he wants, so im going to leave him hanging
Author calreese Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 true. I need to do this. instead i have been afraid to let go and move on. I should be going on and being happy. He broke up with me, so i shouldnt be chasing him. He texts me when he wants, so im going to leave him hanging Good idea. Let him miss you. In the mean time, take the energy you're using to grieve your loss and turn it into energy that you use to be more friendly or outgoing. Go on a walk and talk to people that you pass. Pay more attention to your surroundings. You'll start to realize that there is so much more out there and the opportunities will never present themselves if you're pining over something that can't be changed. Be happy
barriob Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 yeah, can you help me out with my situation? he broke up with me out of the blue and then said he liked me. and i would text him and he would ignore me and texts me days later. and recently he asked to be friends but he is so mean to me he doesnt care and i ask to talk and he says there is no point
Author calreese Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 yeah, can you help me out with my situation? he broke up with me out of the blue and then said he liked me. and i would text him and he would ignore me and texts me days later. and recently he asked to be friends but he is so mean to me he doesnt care and i ask to talk and he says there is no point If you ask him to talk about where you two stand and he says there is no point, take his word for it. If he really cared about your feelings and what you wanted, he would set aside time to at least exchange e-mails. Being mean to you is another way that he inflates his ego, it makes him feel like he can do or say whatever he wants and you will still text him or pine over him. Work as hard as you possibly can not to contact him at all for any reason, and try to enjoy your free time as well as time with other people. Another cliche saying but time heals everything, and the sooner you start acting more mature than he is the sooner you will feel better about yourself. Because honestly he is being immature. Pride yourself on being the mature one.
barriob Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 thanks i will try. i was so nice to him and truly cared for him so much. i feel like he didnt appreciate veerything i gave him. its sad because a while after we broke up, he said he missed having someone who cared and loved him and accepted his feelings but still he treats me like this. I am always the one trying and if i say something or ask anything he doesnt like, he gets mad or says he doesnt want to talk to me and then starts ignoring me again.
Author calreese Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 thanks i will try. i was so nice to him and truly cared for him so much. i feel like he didnt appreciate veerything i gave him. its sad because a while after we broke up, he said he missed having someone who cared and loved him and accepted his feelings but still he treats me like this. I am always the one trying and if i say something or ask anything he doesnt like, he gets mad or says he doesnt want to talk to me and then starts ignoring me again. I totally understand where you're coming from, and I know how hard it is. My ex had family problems, and I helped her through a very tough time in her life, all the while sacrificing many things in my own life; friends, school, family, etc. As soon as she gained the freedom to do whatever she wanted, she played the "I just want to be single for awhile and experience things". And for me that was incredibly difficult to hear because I had been there with her through the bad and she didn't want to share the good with me. And that is the lesson I've learned. No matter how much you love someone, you always have to put your self first. Because now I'm trying to get my grades back where they should be, rekindling lost friendships, and spending more quality time with my family. And i'm seeing that someone who could so easily drop me from their list priorities doesn't deserve to be grieved. So I'm done grieving, and I'm starting to feel better about myself.
barriob Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 yeah i believe i need to do that. i feel that being his friend is better than not having him in my life. however, i always feel sad and end up being hurt by him. He knows i still care for him. I dont know what to do anymore, i try and try to get him to realize and miss me but he takes me for granted
Author calreese Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 yeah i believe i need to do that. i feel that being his friend is better than not having him in my life. however, i always feel sad and end up being hurt by him. He knows i still care for him. I dont know what to do anymore, i try and try to get him to realize and miss me but he takes me for granted The ironic thing is that by trying to make him miss you, you will be pushing him further away. He can't miss you if you're still trying to squeeze yourself into his life. Go NC, pamper yourself, plan fun activities, and improve yourself. You will feel so much better if you work hard at moving on, I promise.
barriob Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 so what do i have to do for him to miss me and realize what he did to me?
Author calreese Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 so what do i have to do for him to miss me and realize what he did to me? That's the thing... he may never realize that he hurt you. Which is why there are few benefits to waiting around for someone to "realize what they had". That's why it's a win-win situation to move on: Either you move on and so do they, or you move on and they come crawling back at which point you can do as you please in handling them. The other side of the coin is either you wait around for them and they move on and you hurt for even longer, or you wait around for them and they come back and realize that you've been waiting around for them, which they will either like (because it makes them feel powerful) or dislike (because it makes you look weak). So really all you can do is move on and try to forget about them. And in your case I think it will help alot.
barriob Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 yeah i am going to do that. do i let him know or do i just go nc without explaining to him?
Author calreese Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 yeah i am going to do that. do i let him know or do i just go nc without explaining to him? It's up to you. What really matters is that you stick to it when you commit to NC. If you talk to him about it, just say that you're doing it for you to heal and that you would appreciate it if he didn't try to contact you. If he REALLY wants you back you will be able to tell... He will beg and plead and whatnot. If it's just a text every now and then or an email, don't respond. You may even want to block him, delete his number, etc. It will help you tremendously. If you feel like you can't make it through NC and you want to contact him, come to LS and post in one of the NC threads and others will explain to you why it's a good idea to continue NC. Good luck
Thieves Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Regardless of the details surrounding your break up, whose fault it was, whether you begged and pleaded, whether you're NC or not, you can save yourself a lot of time and emotional pain by loving yourself. Yeeeeees! Now for a more precise, eloquent answer. Onwards! Well, what can I say? You've captured a ruby in a diamond of a post, as they say. Or maybe I just say that? Anyhow, very good and wise. It's so very true that you have to put yourself first in these kind of situations, even if it's not what comes natural to us and goes against every fiber of our intuition. I believe what left me so lost and wandering after 'he' left and moved on was the fact that I was younger than I am now, and I didn't know much about myself. Not about myself, what I really wanted in a man, and was unsure of how a relationship should be, how I should be treated. And so because I didn't have my own full identity from him, I was so willing to cling onto the one person who saw something good in me - even if that person ended up not being right for me. It wasn't healthy in the way that I didn't make good decisions for myself because I didn't want to 'upset' him or have him think badly of me. Now I know that if I really see any worth in myself, I'll do what's right for me, even if it hurts like hell at first. It kind of sucks that I had to spend nearly two years realizing this, but it certainly could've been worse...
barriob Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 yes. i wont bother explainning. He doesnt deserve it.
Zabs Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 The ironic thing is that by trying to make him miss you, you will be pushing him further away. He can't miss you if you're still trying to squeeze yourself into his life. Go NC, pamper yourself, plan fun activities, and improve yourself. You will feel so much better if you work hard at moving on, I promise. Excellent advice Cal! It works a treat especially for building confidence. Imagine building blocks. Objective is to build height. If someone keeps knocking them down after just a few you will never fulfill the objective! It's worth pointing out that NC includes indirect contact/or anything that the ex can PERCEIVE as contact too. Because that = Nil pwa Zabs xx
StellaA Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I agree....it has to be win/win situation.....don't hold onto the thought of them coming back....work on yourself, if they come back you will be stronger (if you want them back by then!) or you will find someone else. If you wait for them to come back and don't move on, they may have moved on and enjoying life and you will be ten steps behind having to start from scratch! you deserve better!
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