make me believe Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Then, all you need to do is go up to any woman you like and whisper in her ear, "I want to rip your clothes off and make hot passionate love to you. Are you game?" Lmao, who talks like this?! I don't know a single woman who would respond positively to a guy she's not even dating whispering in her ear that he wants to "make hot passionate love." I agree with torncurtain's advice about cultivating new interests & opinions, gaining new experiences, etc, although you say you don't need to do that. But you come across as so desperate, down on yourself, and willing to do whatever it takes to get a girl. I'm sure women pick up on that and it's NOT attractive to us, no matter what you look like. Confidence is sexy. And that doesn't mean you have to be the life of the party. My husband is a low-key guy, but he's secure with himself, comfortable & solid, and that comes across when you meet him. It was definitely part of what attracted me to him.
Red Arremer Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 ^ Not needed. I have the same problem. And I think it all lies in the fear of exposing the real us. I'm talking about our personalities, our inner essence, what have you. What is it you want from girls, OP? Love? Sex? Friendship? The best part of this is when you've been suppressing the real you out of fear of offending/not pleasing others for so long that you don't even remember what the real you is, exactly. :/
january2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I'm going to be blunt - I don't get it. You seem to have a lot going for you both externally and internally. Why the insecurity and bean-plating? Glass half-empty? Are you one of those people who seem to be sorted and confident on the surface but underneath you're a mess of self-doubt and possibly self-hatred/disgust?
Author USMCHokie Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 What are some of your other interests? Hmmm, besides your normal dude stuff like motorcycles, sports, and the like...I used to like the law until I actually studied it...and now I don't like it so much...hahah...I have a thing for European history from back in 10th grade...if I read, that's what it's usually about...I've dabbled with the guitar for the past 10 years or so...and then all the physical pursuits...
Author USMCHokie Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Are you one of those people who seem to be sorted and confident on the surface but underneath you're a mess of self-doubt and possibly self-hatred/disgust? This is exactly it. No one outside of LS knows any of this about me...I do a pretty decent job of hiding it, except on occasion if I'm drunk. When it comes to women, I don't make the effort so my self-doubt doesn't have a chance to show through.
OnyxSnowfall Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 CHokie, I really think you have some deeply-rooted issues within you that no one on this forum can help you work out. I think you have enough clarity to realize such, but that you just desire it to be untrue... You really need to be in some kind of healing treatment (possibly for a long-term, but that's alright).
laotzu Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Listen, it's incredibly freaking simple: stop being so damn insecure. Stop. Right now. Stop being insecure. And the only way to do that is to start operating logically within the world: you're terrified of being rejected in life, so you never make a strong move. Listen to me - I'm serious: this is Ernest Becker, Otto Rank, Alder, Freud; this isn't PUA crap - you're going to die someday. Your ego is convincing you that you won't die someday, so it's okay to constantly defer difficult moments (i.e. rejection). It's not okay to do that: you need to start practicing now, and understanding that rejection is meaningless because your time on earth (as the buddhists would say) is impermanent. Stop. Being. Weak. You could die at any moment. Realize that, and act on that information by being confident, aggressive, assertive, and willing to be rejected - because ultimately, you're destined to face the quintessential rejection. Go after a woman in a forthright manner by asking for her number, and then calling her to set up a date. If she doesn't give you her number, move on to the next one. I will never respond to one of your posts again - they repeat the same things endlessly. I've given you the only advice you need. Stop being weak and deferring difficult choices into an endless future, because that endless future is a fantasy of your terrified ego.
Author USMCHokie Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Listen, it's incredibly freaking simple: stop being so damn insecure. Stop. Right now. Stop being insecure. And the only way to do that is to start operating logically within the world: you're terrified of being rejected in life, so you never make a strong move. Listen to me - I'm serious: this is Ernest Becker, Otto Rank, Alder, Freud; this isn't PUA crap - you're going to die someday. Your ego is convincing you that you won't die someday, so it's okay to constantly defer difficult moments (i.e. rejection). It's not okay to do that: you need to start practicing now, and understanding that rejection is meaningless because your time on earth (as the buddhists would say) is impermanent. Stop. Being. Weak. You could die at any moment. Realize that, and act on that information by being confident, aggressive, assertive, and willing to be rejected - because ultimately, you're destined to face the quintessential rejection. Go after a woman in a forthright manner by asking for her number, and then calling her to set up a date. If she doesn't give you her number, move on to the next one. I will never respond to one of your posts again - they repeat the same things endlessly. I've given you the only advice you need. Stop being weak and deferring difficult choices into an endless future, because that endless future is a fantasy of your terrified ego. Ummm...thanks...
january2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 This is exactly it. No one outside of LS knows any of this about me...I do a pretty decent job of hiding it, except on occasion if I'm drunk. When it comes to women, I don't make the effort so my self-doubt doesn't have a chance to show through. I'm sure it's not new to you that everyone goes through a similar crisis at some point in their life and most don't need professional help to get through to the other side. If you are still high-functioning regardless, how much of a problem is this really? I'm not trying to dismiss your concerns. Though I am tryng to work out why you see this as a big area that you need help on. You have a lot of support on here and don't seem short of admirers. What are you doing here that you're not doing in real life? Are you opening up enough so that people can see the more thoughtful side, where you are not acting the clown but are showing some depth? Is your clowning about your defense mechanism/mask? Are you looking for someone to break through the superficial to see the 'real' you? And only then can you let down your guard and feel like you've 'arrived' because someone at last 'knows' you? And they've made the effort to do so rather than accepting your 'clown' personality at face value? If so, there's a very thought-provoking TED video by Brene Brown on vulnerability that might resonate with you. I'm pretty sure it's on YouTube. She talks about shame, vulnerability and connectedness as well as feeling worthy. Her advice boils down to: you have to open up to people a bit more. Let yourself be vulnerable even if you fear the shame and rejection. It might seem a bit 'woo' but you really need to take the risk to let people in and see the 'real' you, otherwise you won't make the real-life connections that you seem so desperate to make. If none of this rings a bell, then apologies for missing the mark - it's rather late here and I haven't had a lot of sleep in the past few days.
Dust Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I suggest a quest for glory. Something that you’d have fun doing. Could be riding a motorcycle cross country. Could be sailing across the Ocean. Maybe just starting a business. Something you want to do that you can be proud of. Also feel free to enjoy a woman. Get in touch with that part of yourself that just wants to rip all her clothes off. You know if you’re there thinking “I hope she likes me, I hope she likes me” and the girl is thinking the same thing it might not work out. Many women like seeing that look in a mans eye and feeling really wanted. Feel free to just enjoy her with out worrying so much about her fun. You have fun. Then she’ll have fun.
Star Gazer Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Not a people pleaser at all. I can actually be quite rash at times (you can ask Star ) I agree that you can be rash, ESPECIALLY once you have been "rejected." But until then, I'm afraid you very much are a people pleaser...based on "our" experience, anyway. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that...
Author USMCHokie Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 I agree that you can be rash, ESPECIALLY once you have been "rejected." But until then, I'm afraid you very much are a people pleaser...based on "our" experience, anyway. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with that... Now that you mention it, you're actually right...the last girl I dated made me realize that I have a habit of telling people what they what they want to hear, even if I don't necessarily mean it. I can be very good with words, which only makes it worse...even borderline manipulative...definitely not a good quality... So yea, people pleaser.
eerie_reverie Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 You're so damn insecure, it's gotta show. If I was getting to know you, the first thing I'd be put off by is the lack of pride in your heritage. The second thing would be that you are an extreme conformist - but I suppose that's personal preference.
Author USMCHokie Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 You're so damn insecure, it's gotta show. If I was getting to know you, the first thing I'd be put off by is the lack of pride in your heritage. The second thing would be that you are an extreme conformist - but I suppose that's personal preference. I mask it in self-deprecating humor...or when I actually want to date a girl...that's why I approach every girl I meet in real life as a friend...I assure you it doesn't show...I've been doing this long enough... But yea, you got me on the heritage thing...don't know if I'll ever fix that...or even want to fix that...
OnyxSnowfall Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 You're so damn insecure, it's gotta show. If I was getting to know you, the first thing I'd be put off by is the lack of pride in your heritage. The second thing would be that you are an extreme conformist - but I suppose that's personal preference. Conformists, admittedly, are not personally attractive to me. I like someone who is willing to oppose me (I'm fallible after all) and call me on my bull **** lol... as well as other peoples. Of course, the other extreme is just as unattractive --- someone who insists they're always right and are stubborn and in denial. There's a middle ground in there... Not to mention... I've always found conformists particularly unsightly among a group of people
Author USMCHokie Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 You're so damn insecure, it's gotta show. If I was getting to know you, the first thing I'd be put off by is the lack of pride in your heritage. The second thing would be that you are an extreme conformist - but I suppose that's personal preference. Hmmm, didn't see the second part...extreme conformist...? As in I want to be "white" in a sea of white people...? Or do you mean in another way?
eerie_reverie Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I mask it in self-deprecating humor...or when I actually want to date a girl...that's why I approach every girl I meet in real life as a friend...I assure you it doesn't show...I've been doing this long enough... But yea, you got me on the heritage thing...don't know if I'll ever fix that...or even want to fix that... Self-deprecating humor is and lack of balls (avoiding going after a girl you like as more than friends) are pretty solid tip-offs. Why do you think your insecurities don't show?
AD1980 Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Now that you mention it, you're actually right...the last girl I dated made me realize that I have a habit of telling people what they what they want to hear, even if I don't necessarily mean it. I can be very good with words, which only makes it worse...even borderline manipulative...definitely not a good quality... So yea, people pleaser. Im the same way.Im not a fan of arguing or confrontation with friends or people i know..
eerie_reverie Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Hmmm, didn't see the second part...extreme conformist...? As in I want to be "white" in a sea of white people...? Or do you mean in another way? Wanting to be white in a sea of white people is a good indicator... but I'm sure it's not the only area in your life where you conform. I just get the feeling based on your posts that your insecurities generally outweight your opinions. That you would rather be liked than be true to yourself. Which is what conformity is all about.
Author USMCHokie Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Are both of your parents Asian or just one? Both. I'm full blood. Self-deprecating humor is and lack of balls (avoiding going after a girl you like as more than friends) are pretty solid tip-offs. Why do you think your insecurities don't show? I guess I don't truly know since I'm not everyone else, but people just seem surprised if I admit to them that I'm insecure (in vino veritas...)...or when I say that I'm single... Wanting to be white in a sea of white people is a good indicator... but I'm sure it's not the only area in your life where you conform. I just get the feeling based on your posts that your insecurities generally outweight your opinions. That you would rather be liked than be true to yourself. Which is what conformity is all about. Maybe. Growing up I tried emulating those around me because they had girlfriends and I did not...
snug.bunny Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I agree with the people pleaser analysis. It's one thing to be that way because you genuinely care about other peoples feelings and have empathy towards them, but when a person is a "people pleaser" to save face and/or be liked, it makes a person appear "fake". Maybe it's even a way to avoid conflict, which you may be conscience of or sometimes unaware when you're actually doing it. I'm not sure though how that ties into exuding sexual appeal, unless it prevents you from being decisive with your words and your actions towards women you are interacting with romantically. In which case, you'll come across as flakey/wishy washy and you won't be taken seriously (or to such an extent that would sustain a relationship). I don't view you as someone who has issues with attracting women, so I guess the question becomes, at what point does that attraction either stop, become stagnant, or doesn't take flight if at all?
bac Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 Women like me because I'm harmless. They like spending time with me because they aren't threatened by attraction. I'm a "great guy." They are too comfortable with me. Help. First, buy a mirror and have a look at yourself. Do you want to f....k a guy like you? Second, buy nice outfits which show your sexual attractiveness. Put the outfits on and look at the mirror. Ask yourself again if you want to f...k a guy like you? If you get hard, you are moving in the right direction. No kidding. Third, wear only new, clean and nice clothes and shoes. Also, have a nice haircut, good-looking teeth, fresh breath, nice smell, clean body.
denise_xo Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 You're so damn insecure, it's gotta show Obviously I don't know you Hokie but I agree that this if often the case. I think the problem is that I'm showing too much of my true personality I think the problem is exactly the opposite. I get the impression you're trying to be something you're not. People can usually sense that. I think you should try harder to be your full personality and live it and own it. Good luck
Author USMCHokie Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 Conformists, admittedly, are not personally attractive to me. I like someone who is willing to oppose me (I'm fallible after all) and call me on my bull **** lol... as well as other peoples. Of course, the other extreme is just as unattractive --- someone who insists they're always right and are stubborn and in denial. There's a middle ground in there... Not to mention... I've always found conformists particularly unsightly among a group of people But are we not all conformists to some degree? I feel that we are simply a sum of conforming parts...I have tattoos...so I'm conforming to the tattooed crowd...I ride a crotch rocket...that's more conforming...I'm in the Marines...I'm sure there are other Marines out there...so yes, I conform to various groups, but I feel like all of that makes me unique as well... Just look at hipsters...the masters of conformity...to nonconformity...
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