Snooping Tips for BS

[mzdolphin]

In recent weeks I’ve read several topics dealing with should someone tell the BS. Or why didn’t the BS know and most recently is it ok to snoop.

 

As a former BS, OW and journalist I thought it would be helpful to list what I consider some red flags, and tips about whether or not your spouse is still cheating. If your relationship is solid and you have no cause to doubt, I don’t advocate snooping. But if your spouse has been caught cheating and you wonder if they are still at it, it’s important to come to some resolution. The following might help. If others have tips, please share.

1. If your spouse travels, insist on the name of the hotel and the room number. Many times my exMM had me stay with him for days, even a week once, at a time. He did this with ease, gave me my own key to come and go as I pleased. It’s easy to slip out and call the wife via cell phone. Would he have been so carefree if the wife had the hotel room number? What if she placed a call that evening? They use that "my phone was off" technique. If he refuses this information I would be concerned. I think if he’s cheated, you are initialed to ask this as many times as you want.

2. Check his phone. This is simple. He had my name and number programmed in right there with the wife. But our names started with M. If he has more than two phones, I’d be really suspicious.

3. Check the duffle bag. Once I checked my exMM’s bag and found a bottle of Levitra. I was surprised. I wondered if his wife knew he was on Levitra and if so why would he be traveling with it? Also check fragrances, skincare and other personal care that he may or may not wear around you. What she likes on him may be different than what you like on him. I gave him products not even sold in the state he lives in. He even shared some with his son.

4. Bank accounts. If you have separate bank accounts, one day just check his statements if you can. My exMM sent me a check with his name and his home address on it. It’s expensive to maintain a relationship with another woman. If you see large dinner chargers, hotel charges or even flower shop charges that seem to coincide with a time he was not with you, he probably has another woman.

5. Be suspicious of all those gifts, just because. After I found out my ex husband was cheating, it came out in therapy that many of the Tiffany earrings he bought me were after he had cheated. Guilt.

6. Email. This is only after you have some other evidence. The email is usually to confirm what you already suspect and will probably lead to you ending the relationship, as I did. If my exMM’s wife saw the emails he sent she would end I’m sure.

7. New requests in bed. Perhaps the OW is meeting a need he's not getting at home. He might try to see if he can get it at home.

[Spark1111]

In recent weeks I’ve read several topics dealing with should someone tell the BS. Or why didn’t the BS know and most recently is it ok to snoop.

 

As a former BS, OW and journalist I thought it would be helpful to list what I consider some red flags, and tips about whether or not your spouse is still cheating. If your relationship is solid and you have no cause to doubt, I don’t advocate snooping. But if your spouse has been caught cheating and you wonder if they are still at it, it’s important to come to some resolution. The following might help. If others have tips, please share.

1. If your spouse travels, insist on the name of the hotel and the room number. Many times my exMM had me stay with him for days, even a week once, at a time. He did this with ease, gave me my own key to come and go as I pleased. It’s easy to slip out and call the wife via cell phone. Would he have been so carefree if the wife had the hotel room number? What if she placed a call that evening? They use that "my phone was off" technique. If he refuses this information I would be concerned. I think if he’s cheated, you are initialed to ask this as many times as you want.

 

Former journalist here! He travelled into the mountains where I had once accompanied him and he/we DID NOT receive service there. So when he went back, I knew I would go to voice mail where he could not receive my messages until he was coming down the mountain. If I called the hotel and left a message, he would get back to me as soon as able. The OW was probably with him on many of these trips. I had no clue.

 

2. Check his phone. This is simple. He had my name and number programmed in right there with the wife. But our names started with M. If he has more than two phones, I’d be really suspicious.

 

He had her programmed into his phome as a "MR." I was sooo happy he had a "mentor," a MAN who called him often to help him with the stresses of a new high-powered position. Told him often. What a fool I was!

 

3. Check the duffle bag. Once I checked my exMM’s bag and found a bottle of Levitra. I was surprised. I wondered if his wife knew he was on Levitra and if so why would he be traveling with it? Also check fragrances, skincare and other personal care that he may or may not wear around you. What she likes on him may be different than what you like on him. I gave him products not even sold in the state he lives in. He even shared some with his son.

 

Found Viagra. Asked, what's this? For us, I was told and was somewhat flattered. We enjoyed it. When the affair was over, he stopped it. We did not need it.

 

Once found a long auburn hair on the passenger head rest of his car. He said it was one of our daughters. Plausible. I believed him, again, unfortunately.

 

She didn't wear perfume around him. He wouldn't allow it. Not sure what he told her. He told her we never had sex. We had it at least twice a week during his affair.

 

4. Bank accounts. If you have separate bank accounts, one day just check his statements if you can. My exMM sent me a check with his name and his home address on it. It’s expensive to maintain a relationship with another woman. If you see large dinner chargers, hotel charges or even flower shop charges that seem to coincide with a time he was not with you, he probably has another woman.

 

He had his business statements sent to his office. Never saw them until after DDAy. Then I learned all.

 

5. Be suspicious of all those gifts, just because. After I found out my ex husband was cheating, it came out in therapy that many of the Tiffany earrings he bought me were after he had cheated. Guilt.

 

He had always been a sweet gift giver. No change in pattern there.

 

6. Email. This is only after you have some other evidence. The email is usually to confirm what you already suspect and will probably lead to you ending the relationship, as I did. If my exMM’s wife saw the emails he sent she would end I’m sure.

 

They were co-workers in a very conservative corporation. Very cagey. Found an excell spreadsheet regarding what weekends were best for her to get away with him under the guise of "business." She was a D mom and weekends were rated A, B, and C, based on when her xH had custody of their child.

 

7. New requests in bed. Perhaps the OW is meeting a need he's not getting at home. He might try to see if he can get it at home.

 

Nah, it wasn't about the sex, contrary to popular belief. Although there WERE some new moves which I thought were fun. Stupid me.

 

I DID NOT put it together un,til after DDay.

 

Ahhhhh, love is blind.

 

But within 72 hours after DDAY, as my world was spinning out of control and my head was blowing off my shoulders, I knew EVERYTHING about the unknown OW: Where she lived, worked, her birthdate, her divorce date from xH, her child, his birthdate, how much money she made, where her family lived, her ongoing law suits. her HS and college, her degrees. etc.

 

I never sought revenge. Just wanted to feel safe and in control.

 

And Mz. D, this is all great advice you gave!

 

Just wanted to point out that even the best of us truth-junkies can be deceived!

 

You have stated that YOU tried to inform her. Are you SURE she got the email? Are you absolutely sure she chose to ignore it?

 

Because having been the BS, I am sure of NOTHING. He tried to minimize it to the umpteenth degree, and I could have bought it except I. too, was a former investigative journalist and did not stop until I had all the evidence I could dig up.

 

But that's me....and not all women are like me (us).

[seren]

Nah, it wasn't about the sex, contrary to popular belief. Although there WERE some new moves which I thought were fun. Stupid me.

 

I DID NOT put it together un,til after DDay.

 

Ahhhhh, love is blind.

 

But within 72 hours after DDAY, as my world was spinning out of control and my head was blowing off my shoulders, I knew EVERYTHING about the unknown OW: Where she lived, worked, her birthdate, her divorce date from xH, her child, his birthdate, how much money she made, where her family lived, her ongoing law suits. her HS and college, her degrees. etc.

 

I never sought revenge. Just wanted to feel safe and in control.

 

And Mz. D, this is all great advice you gave!

 

Just wanted to point out that even the best of us truth-junkies can be deceived!

 

You have stated that YOU tried to inform her. Are you SURE she got the email? Are you absolutely sure she chose to ignore it?

 

Because having been the BS, I am sure of NOTHING. He tried to minimize it to the umpteenth degree, and I could have bought it except I. too, was a former investigative journalist and did not stop until I had all the evidence I could dig up.

 

But that's me....and not all women are like me (us).

 

 

So agree with what you have said Spark, mine was away during the week so I assumed the OW was from there, how easy would that have been. But when he told me on D Day, it was someone from where I lived, as soon as I knew that I knew just who it was, and frankly was surprised it was her as she was so not who I could see him with, but not so, for other reasons, which might be viewed as critical, but is just what it was.

 

They had no nights away or gift giving. It was 'going to the shops' type meets, which given the short time, didn't make me suspect at all. I imagined that if I were to have an A, it would involve hotels, romanitc evenings and the like. So my radar wasn't even alerted a teeny bit.

 

I suppose had nights or weekends away on business, strange withdrawals for money and perfume etc would have aletrted me, but it wasn't like that at all. If it had, then I am sure I would have cottoned sooner as it would have been unlike H to do these things. Hindsight eh?

[Spark1111]

So agree with what you have said Spark, mine was away during the week so I assumed the OW was from there, how easy would that have been. But when he told me on D Day, it was someone from where I lived, as soon as I knew that I knew just who it was, and frankly was surprised it was her as she was so not who I could see him with, but not so, for other reasons, which might be viewed as critical, but is just what it was.

 

They had no nights away or gift giving. It was 'going to the shops' type meets, which given the short time, didn't make me suspect at all. I imagined that if I were to have an A, it would involve hotels, romanitc evenings and the like. So my radar wasn't even alerted a teeny bit.

 

I suppose had nights or weekends away on business, strange withdrawals for money and perfume etc would have aletrted me, but it wasn't like that at all. If it had, then I am sure I would have cottoned sooner as it would have been unlike H to do these things. Hindsight eh?

 

Seren, hindsight is a killer, especially for some who prided themselves on objectively viewing reality, writing of it, and making a living by it!

 

I wracked by memory for a hint, a clue, a reason, and other than a preoccupation with work and an unhappy spirit, I could not fathom an OW.

 

And that hurts.

 

It's like being an artist who always paints in blue, but then one day,

someone tells you that your painting is in yellow, and you swear they are crazy since you only paint in blue.

 

But they are right you come to find...you were painting in yellow and never even knew it.

 

Scary stuff having the perception of your reality flung out of control.

[Snowflower]

In recent weeks I’ve read several topics dealing with should someone tell the BS. Or why didn’t the BS know and most recently is it ok to snoop.

 

As a former BS, OW and journalist I thought it would be helpful to list what I consider some red flags, and tips about whether or not your spouse is still cheating. If your relationship is solid and you have no cause to doubt, I don’t advocate snooping. But if your spouse has been caught cheating and you wonder if they are still at it, it’s important to come to some resolution. The following might help. If others have tips, please share.

1. If your spouse travels, insist on the name of the hotel and the room number. Many times my exMM had me stay with him for days, even a week once, at a time. He did this with ease, gave me my own key to come and go as I pleased. It’s easy to slip out and call the wife via cell phone. Would he have been so carefree if the wife had the hotel room number? What if she placed a call that evening? They use that "my phone was off" technique. If he refuses this information I would be concerned. I think if he’s cheated, you are initialed to ask this as many times as you want.

Good advice! But there are some here (as evidenced on the other thread about snooping) who would feel that asking your spouse for this information would be invasive.

 

I never thought of asking for the hotel number--in these days of cell phones it seemed almost archaic! I just remember a few times when my H was away on business trips and I couldn't reach him by cell phone...he would say his phone was off. Yeah right, later I learned what was really going on.

 

2. Check his phone. This is simple. He had my name and number programmed in right there with the wife. But our names started with M. If he has more than two phones, I’d be really suspicious.

 

I never checked his phone--even when he got really weird. I was too trusting and it didn't occur to me. Later, I saw where he had her number and name programmed right in...no attempt to even make it less obvious.

 

3. Check the duffle bag. Once I checked my exMM’s bag and found a bottle of Levitra. I was surprised. I wondered if his wife knew he was on Levitra and if so why would he be traveling with it? Also check fragrances, skincare and other personal care that he may or may not wear around you. What she likes on him may be different than what you like on him. I gave him products not even sold in the state he lives in. He even shared some with his son.

 

Not applicable.

 

4. Bank accounts. If you have separate bank accounts, one day just check his statements if you can. My exMM sent me a check with his name and his home address on it. It’s expensive to maintain a relationship with another woman. If you see large dinner chargers, hotel charges or even flower shop charges that seem to coincide with a time he was not with you, he probably has another woman.

 

Yup, this one is a biggie. My H opened a separate account at our same bank during his affair. He was planning to move funds from our joint account in to it. It was one of the biggest betrayals of all and showed how skewed his thinking was during that time.

 

5. Be suspicious of all those gifts, just because. After I found out my ex husband was cheating, it came out in therapy that many of the Tiffany earrings he bought me were after he had cheated. Guilt.

 

I have heard this called the Tony Soprano guilt gift!

6. Email. This is only after you have some other evidence. The email is usually to confirm what you already suspect and will probably lead to you ending the relationship, as I did. If my exMM’s wife saw the emails he sent she would end I’m sure.

 

They worked together so I only saw a few emails at the end of the affair when he was ending it with her. I couldn't access his work emails obviously but I did find a way to see some of them.

 

 

7. New requests in bed. Perhaps the OW is meeting a need he's not getting at home. He might try to see if he can get it at home. Yuck.

 

My answers in bold. I was too lazy to do the quote thing. Thanks for posting this, MD.

 

The only other tip I would add is if your spouse suddenly completely doesn't want sex from you anymore. This is a huge red flag and a clue that I had heard about your spouse having an affair long before my H had one.

 

When he suddenly moved out of the bedroom, alarm bells rang for me. Many things can lead to the end of marital sex during an affair: they are getting their needs met by the AP, having sex with their spouse is now distasteful, or massive guilt on the part of the WS.

[Owl]

Let's throw in a few "snooping 202" tricks into this, just for fun.

 

If you suspect your spouse, but can't afford a PI, recruit a friend that your spouse doesn't know. If there's a chance that your spouse is meeting with OW/OM and doing so at a time when you can't possibly be there (say you're stuck home with the kids)...have a friend swing by. Make sure it's someone that your spouse doesn't know, and doesn't know their vehicle either. Works great to have someone swing by your spouse's work during lunchtime to see if they're meeting up with someone...same thing for that "girl's night out" cheater too.

 

Voice-activated digital recorders are 'da bomb'. Place one in the car (make sure you position the microphone in a spot where it's got good reception but is not likely to be spotted, like on the underside of the steering column). Place them in rooms where your spouse likes to disappear to to take calls from people (spare bedrooms, garages, bathroom). They also make many of them with telephone line adapters that will work whenever any phone in the house is active, so put it on a line that no one typically uses...again spare bedrooms, etc...

 

Most mobile companies have a "family locator" type plan...take a look at getting it setup on your spouse's phone if it's a joint account/family plan.

 

Your imagination (and the law) are your only limits!

[Kidd]

If your spouse has the same common username and password for everything, try logging into hotels.com, marriott, hilton, sheraton, etc.. Most will show you the past stays over the last year. BTW, your WS can donate those points to charity.

 

If you have $200, get a GPS for the car. I had NO evidence (just a gut feeling) and it worked the first time. I went straight to the hotel and got a duplicate copy of my wife's receipt. Then I logged into their site and died.

 

Check their "contacts" for things like Marriott or their "notes" for password lists. Found a lot of usernames and passwords that way.

 

Lastly, trust your gut. My W wanted to separate for no good reason. Combine that with higher heels, higher skirts, pedicures, manicures and it just didn't add up. I languished over the decision to buy the GPS and then actually smiled when I discovered the infidelity because I finally knew the separation wasn't my fault. If they're vindicated by your snooping, even better.

[SidLyon]

In recent weeks I’ve read several topics dealing with should someone tell the BS. Or why didn’t the BS know and most recently is it ok to snoop.

 

As a former BS, OW and journalist I thought it would be helpful to list what I consider some red flags, and tips about whether or not your spouse is still cheating. If your relationship is solid and you have no cause to doubt, I don’t advocate snooping. But if your spouse has been caught cheating and you wonder if they are still at it, it’s important to come to some resolution. The following might help. If others have tips, please share.

1. If your spouse travels, insist on the name of the hotel and the room number. Many times my exMM had me stay with him for days, even a week once, at a time. He did this with ease, gave me my own key to come and go as I pleased. It’s easy to slip out and call the wife via cell phone. Would he have been so carefree if the wife had the hotel room number? What if she placed a call that evening? They use that "my phone was off" technique. If he refuses this information I would be concerned. I think if he’s cheated, you are initialed to ask this as many times as you want.

 

I got these but he only had her in the hotel room for one night.

2. Check his phone. This is simple. He had my name and number programmed in right there with the wife. But our names started with M. If he has more than two phones, I’d be really suspicious.

 

He never had a mobile (cell) phone during the A. I do check now though and I've found no suspicious calls since d-day.

 

3. Check the duffle bag. Once I checked my exMM’s bag and found a bottle of Levitra. I was surprised. I wondered if his wife knew he was on Levitra and if so why would he be traveling with it? Also check fragrances, skincare and other personal care that he may or may not wear around you. What she likes on him may be different than what you like on him. I gave him products not even sold in the state he lives in. He even shared some with his son.

 

Again nothing.

 

4. Bank accounts. If you have separate bank accounts, one day just check his statements if you can. My exMM sent me a check with his name and his home address on it. It’s expensive to maintain a relationship with another woman. If you see large dinner chargers, hotel charges or even flower shop charges that seem to coincide with a time he was not with you, he probably has another woman.

 

He had a bank account (term deposit) in his own name that I knew about. He transferred part of this to an access account and got a credit card attached. I just assumed the term deposit was sitting there accruing interest and so never checked it. He also got a post office box for the statements to be sent to. I never had a clue.

 

5. Be suspicious of all those gifts, just because. After I found out my ex husband was cheating, it came out in therapy that many of the Tiffany earrings he bought me were after he had cheated. Guilt.

 

I just got the normal amount of gifts. No change from him.

 

6. Email. This is only after you have some other evidence. The email is usually to confirm what you already suspect and will probably lead to you ending the relationship, as I did. If my exMM’s wife saw the emails he sent she would end I’m sure.

 

I was relatively computer illiterate at the time (2002-2005) and didn't know about his secret hotmail account.

 

7. New requests in bed. Perhaps the OW is meeting a need he's not getting at home. He might try to see if he can get it at home.

 

No new requests either although I sensed more distance in bed.

 

 

My responses in bold.

 

My fWH's 3.5 year A was conducted almost solely in lunchtimes apart from one day at the beach, one night interstate and another evening (he was home by 11pm) at her house when her H was away. The only dinner they ever had was on the evening interstate.

 

I had no idea he was having an A. There were small clues but because I trusted him they were successfully explained away.

[mzdolphin]

Nah, it wasn't about the sex, contrary to popular belief. Although there WERE some new moves which I thought were fun. Stupid me.

 

I DID NOT put it together un,til after DDay.

 

Ahhhhh, love is blind.

 

But within 72 hours after DDAY, as my world was spinning out of control and my head was blowing off my shoulders, I knew EVERYTHING about the unknown OW: Where she lived, worked, her birthdate, her divorce date from xH, her child, his birthdate, how much money she made, where her family lived, her ongoing law suits. her HS and college, her degrees. etc.

 

I never sought revenge. Just wanted to feel safe and in control.

 

And Mz. D, this is all great advice you gave!

 

Just wanted to point out that even the best of us truth-junkies can be deceived!

 

You have stated that YOU tried to inform her. Are you SURE she got the email? Are you absolutely sure she chose to ignore it?

 

Because having been the BS, I am sure of NOTHING. He tried to minimize it to the umpteenth degree, and I could have bought it except I. too, was a former investigative journalist and did not stop until I had all the evidence I could dig up.

 

But that's me....and not all women are like me (us).

----------------------------------------

 

I was trusting too. Who wouldn't be if you take your marriage vows seriously? That's why I say these tips are for folks who have been confronted with a partner's dishonesty. The arrogance of some of them, doing things right in your face. I recall my exMM carrying on conversations with me while talking with his son (an adult) who was present. This son lives with him and his wife. Now it doesn't mean the son knew who was on the other end, but this means he's in his home, and conversing with his son while talking to me. Wonder if it was a game to him? Either trying to prove to me how important I was or he's so angry with wife that he's trying to rub it in her face. Either way, not good.

[shayla]

I want to be his wife. Not his jailer. If I have to do all that, then I will not stay. It amazes me at how many women, and men too, that have to do this just to get some honesty.

[mzdolphin]

My answers in bold. I was too lazy to do the quote thing. Thanks for posting this, MD.

 

The only other tip I would add is if your spouse suddenly completely doesn't want sex from you anymore. This is a huge red flag and a clue that I had heard about your spouse having an affair long before my H had one.

 

When he suddenly moved out of the bedroom, alarm bells rang for me. Many things can lead to the end of marital sex during an affair: they are getting their needs met by the AP, having sex with their spouse is now distasteful, or massive guilt on the part of the WS.

 

If this happens then he's probably either seeing multiple women or his OW on a regular basis. Because I think most MM continue to have sex with their wives throughout the affair. What changes is what he desires. Let's say he never gets BJs at home, but get's them from OW. He will probably start wanting that as part of his routine with the wife and if she doesn't do it, then you'll see some tension. That's why I say any "new" request. Because rarely does a guy go 10 to 15 years and then want to just throw something new into the repertoire. They've seen it or had it somewhere.

[mzdolphin]

I want to be his wife. Not his jailer. If I have to do all that, then I will not stay. It amazes me at how many women, and men too, that have to do this just to get some honesty.

 

But the cheater has created this. It's like probation. Doesn't mean it last forever. But you can't just cheat on your spouse, blow up the bond that was built through trust and not expect the spouse to question things when you have proven that you can look them in the eye and lie.

 

I think if you can't rebuild the trust, you leave. But part of rebuilding trust, weather it's in business or love, is acknowledging you messed up and understand that part of the consequences are that you have to re-establish that trust.

[mzdolphin]

My responses in bold.

 

My fWH's 3.5 year A was conducted almost solely in lunchtimes apart from one day at the beach, one night interstate and another evening (he was home by 11pm) at her house when her H was away. The only dinner they ever had was on the evening interstate.

 

I had no idea he was having an A. There were small clues but because I trusted him they were successfully explained away.

 

This is common. Again, until they give you reason to do otherwise, I think you love and trust. That's the foundation of a good marriage. But let's say you are being loving, supportive (I was raising his two daughters from a previous marriage, who he had sole custody of) and trusting. You are not perfect, but you have been a faithful, good wife. Then out of nowhere, without warning you find out they have been lying to you for YEARS. Of course you need to arm yourself with some tools. Ask more questions, snoop, look a little closer. To not do this would be crazy.

 

If you found out your child was doing drugs, people who have no problem snooping, questioning, demanding they declare their whereabouts, restricting activities. But a cheating husband, whose actions threaten to destroy the family, gets to maintain his privacy, dignity and free pass to continue to cheat? Ahhh, hell no!

[Owl]

I want to be his wife. Not his jailer. If I have to do all that, then I will not stay. It amazes me at how many women, and men too, that have to do this just to get some honesty.

 

Have you recovered/reconciled a marriage after infidelity/ If so, how?

[reboot]

The people on this site, and there seems to be a bunch of them, who seem to be saying, "If I get suspicious, I'll just get a divorce, even though there could be another reason for his/her behavior besides cheating, but I'm not going to try to find the truth" are just killing my sensibilities. And quite honestly, I don't believe them.

[Owl]

The people on this site, and there seems to be a bunch of them, who seem to be saying, "If I get suspicious, I'll just get a divorce, even though there could be another reason for his/her behavior besides cheating, but I'm not going to try to find the truth" are just killing my sensibilities. And quite honestly, I don't believe them.

 

It's easy to say "this is what I'd do if...".

 

The proof is what happens when you get there.

[MissBee]

The people on this site, and there seems to be a bunch of them, who seem to be saying, "If I get suspicious, I'll just get a divorce, even though there could be another reason for his/her behavior besides cheating, but I'm not going to try to find the truth" are just killing my sensibilities. And quite honestly, I don't believe them.

 

For me personally: I don't approach relationship problems sideways. I think that's my personality as well as having participated in cheating before and all my life seeing my parents relationship continue after several cheating fiascoes and my mom living a life of suspicion...I'm not very tolerant of even feeling suspicious. That is to say....if I begin to feel suspicious, I am going to become alert, but my response isn't to keep it to myself and sneak attack this person, but to pretty much tell them I feel some kind of way and ask kindly wtf is going on? Just point blank.

 

Then I will gauge their response. Do they seem to be lying, is their response seemingly truthful etc. I hate feeling alienated and try not to alienate my partner, even when I have my own stuff to get through. I let him know that it's not him and that I'll be fine in a few. I like to keep those lines of communication open. If in our relationship I feel like I can't ask you anything upfront or I am not satisfied with the answer.....I am not going to run off and get a divorce but that already is a problem. Although I've never dealt with a cheating spouse, I have lived through a cheating parent and a house of suspicion and guerrilla tactics...that has made me absolutely averse to that sort of thing and if it gets to a point where I feel like our communication is ineffective, I can't believe the things you say, you're alienating me....I am going to be very straightforward with you and tell you that look this is a problem. Even if you aren't cheating but are shutting me out and it makes me feel suspicious...that is STILL a problem. So something has to be done about that....you either make me feel secure or I just do not know where we're going. That security is very important for me.

 

As for reconciling with a cheating spouse....for me and me alone, that's a very difficult thing for me. I do believe marriages can recover from infidelity, if approached in the right way, and have absolutely all the respect for those who have overcome and are honestly thriving. But again, based on my parents' relationship and being around that type of constant suspicion: bill checking, tape recording and the like, I have below average tolerance and I feel like "Eff it! I have no time to do all this and relive that experience..." What I will say though is that that is MY baggage going into a relationship and my future husband will know this about me and then can decide on what he really wants to do as he'll know that from jump that is probably going to be unforgivable for me....even if I want to forgive...I feel like going through those motions and the suspicion and probation would make me throw in the towel.

[serial muse]

It's easy to say "this is what I'd do if...".

 

The proof is what happens when you get there.

 

Yep, totally agree. I was one of those who was certain of two things: 1. I'd know if my partner were cheating on me; and 2. I'd ditch him in a heartbeat.

 

Wrong on both counts. I did eventually leave him, but it was by no means the black-and-white scenario I'd thought it would be. I really didn't know what I wanted to do for weeks.

 

And I apologized to a friend of mine who had been cheated on, and who I had doubted when she said she didn't know. I had actually felt some mild contempt for her in that situation - really awful of me. Which just goes to prove the old chestnut that it's truly an ill wind that blows no good...I certainly acquired some additional compassion as a direct result of my ex's affair, I will say that.

Edited October 7, 2011 by serial muse

[Spark1111]

The people on this site, and there seems to be a bunch of them, who seem to be saying, "If I get suspicious, I'll just get a divorce, even though there could be another reason for his/her behavior besides cheating, but I'm not going to try to find the truth" are just killing my sensibilities. And quite honestly, I don't believe them.

 

I'm with you reboot. If you don't even have the desire to find out the truth of your own reality by whatever means necessary, then I personally believe the marriage was long over before the infidelity discovery.

 

Infidelity IS the perfect reason to divorce immediately, and NO ONE will think any less of you for doing so.

 

You didn't snoop, or try to ascertain the truth because you were already done. The infidelity was the final nail in the coffin, IMO.

[Summer Breeze]

The people on this site, and there seems to be a bunch of them, who seem to be saying, "If I get suspicious, I'll just get a divorce, even though there could be another reason for his/her behavior besides cheating, but I'm not going to try to find the truth" are just killing my sensibilities. And quite honestly, I don't believe them.

 

Who's saying this? What I see and am reading, and what I also am, are people who would look for the truth and do their best to find it. They would talk and question and ask. If it isn't forthcoming or if the partner didn't come through with any explanations or way of explaining away any issues then they would leave. What's wrong with that? I would no more put a gps on a vehicle or a digital recorder in a room than fly to the moon. If I distrusted someone or was so suspicious of them and they could / would do nothing to allay my concerns I'd be walking. I wouldn't lower myself to snooping like that. I would make sure I'd given them every opportunity to sort things out but if they didn't then it would end. There is nothing that would keep me with someone that wouldn't take my feelings of insecurity and distrust seriously and do everything in their power to set things right.

[Summer Breeze]

It's easy to say "this is what I'd do if...".

 

The proof is what happens when you get there.

 

I said it and I did it.

[Summer Breeze]

I'm with you reboot. If you don't even have the desire to find out the truth of your own reality by whatever means necessary, then I personally believe the marriage was long over before the infidelity discovery.

 

Infidelity IS the perfect reason to divorce immediately, and NO ONE will think any less of you for doing so.

 

You didn't snoop, or try to ascertain the truth because you were already done. The infidelity was the final nail in the coffin, IMO.

 

To me infidelity is the final nail in the coffin no matter if the M was brand new or years and years old. I never said I didn't want the truth I said I wouldn't snoop to get it. The truth comes out eventually. If someone I was involved with refused to make things right and take my feelings of insecurity and mistrust seriously I don't care at that moment what the 'truth' is. My truth is that he's lied/lying because he's not explaining and making it better. The truth will come out eventually, I won't snoop to find it. Distrust and lies are enough for me to end something.

[Spark1111]

To me infidelity is the final nail in the coffin no matter if the M was brand new or years and years old. I never said I didn't want the truth I said I wouldn't snoop to get it. The truth comes out eventually. If someone I was involved with refused to make things right and take my feelings of insecurity and mistrust seriously I don't care at that moment what the 'truth' is. My truth is that he's lied/lying because he's not explaining and making it better. The truth will come out eventually, I won't snoop to find it. Distrust and lies are enough for me to end something.

 

But they do try to explain it and make it better, and you do believe for awhile....and it is another lie.

 

And because they are scared, they do try to assauge your insecurities and belay your trust, and you believe again.

 

This can be so crazy making. And having been in this position, I advocate snooping to save your sanity. Whether you divorce or choose to work on the marriage, there is nothing more empowering, for me, than to discover the truth of a situation, with or without the cooperation of the lying party.

 

I regained power and control over my life, my intuition, and my choices when I finally discovered the truth of my reality. I was not relying on anyone else to do that for me, over time, when they felt it was okay to do so, on their timetable, if ever.....

[MissBee]

Who's saying this? What I see and am reading, and what I also am, are people who would look for the truth and do their best to find it. They would talk and question and ask. If it isn't forthcoming or if the partner didn't come through with any explanations or way of explaining away any issues then they would leave. What's wrong with that? I would no more put a gps on a vehicle or a digital recorder in a room than fly to the moon. If I distrusted someone or was so suspicious of them and they could / would do nothing to allay my concerns I'd be walking. I wouldn't lower myself to snooping like that. I would make sure I'd given them every opportunity to sort things out but if they didn't then it would end. There is nothing that would keep me with someone that wouldn't take my feelings of insecurity and distrust seriously and do everything in their power to set things right.

 

I have to agree!

 

I have a friend who is in a relationship that snooping is a normal part of it...I mean, her stance is that men lie and cheat therefore you need to be one step ahead and snoop. We get into disagreements about her philosophy all the time because in my eyes that is a relationship she shouldn't be in...if at all time stealth tactics need to be applied. I feel the same about those in As and other relationships talking about them having the upperhand and power...I don't believe that type of power play should be a part of a good relationship either.

 

If you snoop and find evidence to support your feelings...great....but again, those feelings of insecurity came first and that is MY concern. How can I be with someone who when they tell me something I can't believe them, so I need a second opinion or need to investigate? I can't. I'm not saying that I could NEVER snoop...what I am saying is that the problem resulting in the snooping is a priori and that is what needs to be addressed not what is found after snooping.If it comes down to snooping, things have ALREADY gone wrong....and that is what my concern would be...to lay it on the table that at this point I do not believe or trust you and I feel the need to investigate so what are we going to do about that????? Since after I snoop this would be the SAME conversation, so I'd rather bypass the snooping aspect and put that on the table first.