Stupid Stupid man

[sb5683]

I think there's things both of you could change in this situation.

 

First of all- it is very difficult for men to deal with postpartum depression. A lot of times they want to make you happy but they don't know how, and they're scared you'll go off on them so they go hide and try to stay below the radar. Nothing against you, it's just difficult for men to deal with. Try to force yourself not to yell, to be nice and ask for help sweetly. When he does help, treat him like he's your hero, even if it's something you think he should be expected to do without you having to ask nicely. Give him a task, be sweet to him, and show appreciation and a man will do anything for you. Yell, nag, or let him know you expect him to do things without being asked, and he will run and not even bother trying to help. Doesn't matter if you think it's right or wrong to act this way- it creates peace in a marriage. I treat my husband this way and I almost never have to lift a finger! And I always show appreciation, so he's very sweet to me. Let your husband take care of you. Try to at least pretend you're happy. You'll like the results.

 

I find it strange that you're not sleeping in the same bed. That's a very close bond for couples, beyond sex. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you should neglect your marriage. If you were sleeping in the same bed, maybe he'd get up once in a while with the baby because you're right there to ask him. Parenting should be an equal effort between both spouses. Don't give up asking him for help. He needs to do half of the work. Just be patient and sweet and eventually he'll step up to the plate! Be sure to say thank you. Yes, it's his responsibility too. But a good man will do anything for a wife who shows appreciation. Men want peace and happiness in their home. If they are lead to believe you won't be happy no matter what they do, they will avoid you. If they know they can do something to bring peace to their home, they will do whatever it takes. Men are fixers. If something isn't right, they like to fix it.

 

I think for this period in time with a new baby, your husband should be managing both businesses. Just tell him it's getting to be too much for you with taking care of the baby, and that you really need him to take care of the businesses right now. I am assuming that if you married him, you must have thought he was a competent, intelligent man at the time. Give him a chance to be that again. He will probably surprise you and really step up to the plate. If you continue to work in the business with a new baby, you'll only continue to argue more and more. Just tell him it's in his hands.

 

As far as his complaining, you need to let him know that it is unacceptable for him to place that much responsibility on your shoulders and then complain that you aren't doing it to his standards. He should not talk to you like that. This may bring about an argument, but you need to tell him how that made you feel and that you wish he would not say things like that again. Be firm, but don't yell or nag. After he knows how you feel (and hopefully apologizes for it) then let it go. Don't hold it against him anymore. Hopefully he will not repeat his mistakes.

 

You should probably stay home with the baby these first 6 months or so. It sounds like you are very overworked and underappreciated! If you stay home with the baby, handle paying the bills, and take care of the house as best you can, and let your husband handle the businesses, I think you will have a lot more peace in your family. Once these first few months are over you can always go back to your career.

 

The business may seem like a lot to handle for one person, but if you can handle doing EVERYTHING, I'm sure your husband can handle doing the business on his own and give you a break. Right now your goal should be to have peace, happiness, and raise your little girl and keep your family together. Who doesn't want that?

 

It sounds like you've got a lot going on and I really hope things get better. Just keep in mind your husband's probably not a bad guy, you just need to use different ways to lead him in the right direction. I'm sure if you use this advice it will make things much easier and you will see your husband in a new light. Don't try to do it all. You shouldn't have to. Let him step up to the plate and impress you. Good luck with everything!

Edited October 13, 2011 by sb5683
typo

[tinktronik]

I think there's things both of you could change in this situation.

 

First of all- it is very difficult for men to deal with postpartum depression. A lot of times they want to make you happy but they don't know how, and they're scared you'll go off on them so they go hide and try to stay below the radar. Nothing against you, it's just difficult for men to deal with. Try to force yourself not to yell, to be nice and ask for help sweetly. When he does help, treat him like he's your hero, even if it's something you think he should be expected to do without you having to ask nicely. Give him a task, be sweet to him, and show appreciation and a man will do anything for you. Yell, nag, or let him know you expect him to do things without being asked, and he will run and not even bother trying to help. Doesn't matter if you think it's right or wrong to act this way- it creates peace in a marriage. I treat my husband this way and I almost never have to lift a finger! And I always show appreciation, so he's very sweet to me. Let your husband take care of you. Try to at least pretend you're happy. You'll like the results.

 

My PPD isn't the "depressive" or angry kind. It's the foggy and forgetful kind. So really I don't carry much attitude or anger around on a daily basis.

 

The tactic of being sweet does not work with my SO; he's just not wired like most people. He's more oblivious than anyone I've ever met. He is oblivious to everything unless bricks fall on his head. He has no gauge for a happy mood vs. a unhappy mood vs. a sad mood so he does not respond the way most of us would. I could be sweet and happy and sexy wearing fire engine red thigh high stripper heels and he would honestly NOT notice. That's not a joke-- I've done it. He just assumed I felt like wearing bright red thigh high heels that day because I liked them.

 

I'm not a big "yeller" either, I have yelled occasionally, like the 4th time he left the baby unsecured in her seat in a moving vehicle in a matter of about 2 weeks. BUT asking nicely and begging just didn't work. Getting angry didn't really work either, but I think it's fairly reasonable to get angry when serious issues aren't resolved at some point. Now I just have to put the baby in the car myself and he can't take her anywhere by himself, as he can't do so safely.

 

 

I find it strange that you're not sleeping in the same bed. That's a very close bond for couples, beyond sex. Just because you have a baby doesn't mean you should neglect your marriage. If you were sleeping in the same bed, maybe he'd get up once in a while with the baby because you're right there to ask him.

 

I find it strange too. Really strange, especially since he sleeps on the hardwood floor of his office an a blanket that hasn't been washed in oh, about 6 months, while we have and empty guest room with a bed with nice clean sheets and our own bed too. BUT he's mentally ill, so maybe that's not so strange-- I don't really know what's up or down in a relationship anymore. Maybe a bipolar person curled up on a dirty blanket on a floor is NORMAL? He's perfectly welcome in bed. He stopped sleeping there when I asked him to not move my laptop to where I could not see it while a movie was playing. That was more than a year ago.

[Disillusioned_Wife]

My PPD isn't the "depressive" or angry kind. It's the foggy and forgetful kind. So really I don't carry much attitude or anger around on a daily basis.

 

The tactic of being sweet does not work with my SO; he's just not wired like most people. He's more oblivious than anyone I've ever met. He is oblivious to everything unless bricks fall on his head. He has no gauge for a happy mood vs. a unhappy mood vs. a sad mood so he does not respond the way most of us would. I could be sweet and happy and sexy wearing fire engine red thigh high stripper heels and he would honestly NOT notice. That's not a joke-- I've done it. He just assumed I felt like wearing bright red thigh high heels that day because I liked them.

 

I'm not a big "yeller" either, I have yelled occasionally, like the 4th time he left the baby unsecured in her seat in a moving vehicle in a matter of about 2 weeks. BUT asking nicely and begging just didn't work. Getting angry didn't really work either, but I think it's fairly reasonable to get angry when serious issues aren't resolved at some point. Now I just have to put the baby in the car myself and he can't take her anywhere by himself, as he can't do so safely.

 

 

 

 

I find it strange too. Really strange, especially since he sleeps on the hardwood floor of his office an a blanket that hasn't been washed in oh, about 6 months, while we have and empty guest room with a bed with nice clean sheets and our own bed too. BUT he's mentally ill, so maybe that's not so strange-- I don't really know what's up or down in a relationship anymore. Maybe a bipolar person curled up on a dirty blanket on a floor is NORMAL? He's perfectly welcome in bed. He stopped sleeping there when I asked him to not move my laptop to where I could not see it while a movie was playing. That was more than a year ago.

 

Would he be open to a book called Body Language by A. Reese or The Face Reader by Patrician McCarthy. Or even Dr. Paul Ekman's work on micro expression and body language. Reese's Body Language book is only 147 pages and a quick, very informative read.

 

Really sounds like he's lacking in body language and facial language skills big time. It might help him understand a bit more about the people around him, heck even help run the businesses better.

[tinktronik]

Would he be open to a book called Body Language by A. Reese or The Face Reader by Patrician McCarthy. Or even Dr. Paul Ekman's work on micro expression and body language. Reese's Body Language book is only 147 pages and a quick, very informative read.

 

Really sounds like he's lacking in body language and facial language skills big time. It might help him understand a bit more about the people around him, heck even help run the businesses better.

 

I don't know. I could ask. I think he just feels like the issues are everyone else's and he just is the way he is. I'll pick these up and read them myself though. Sigh--nIt's been a long day today.