Stupid Stupid man

[tinktronik]

Tink, I understand that in that particular situation you have to take care of the baby. But I maintain that it's a general issue of enabling. Women do it ALL THE TIME. To take another example: For the first two years or so after I got married, my H consistently failed to do the dishes without at least 30% of them still being dirty after he finished. I could have just said 'OK he can't do it/ isn't doing it properly' and then just done it and left it at that. Instead, I put all the dirty dishes back and pointed out to him that they were dirty and that he would need to do it over again. So while I'm not suggesting that you in that immediate situation let your daughter sit and cry in dirty dipers, I am pointing to a general dynamic where you are letting him get away with what he's doing. The way you are laying this out, it seems that there are no consequences for him when he doesn't face up to his responsibilities. When we pick up and cover up for other people's irresponsibility on a continuous basis, we are enabling their behaviour. Or, am I misunderstanding something? Are there any consequences for him in this that I have missed?

 

I don't jump to do the dishes or correct his mistakes. I don't really know how to enforce consequences with him. If I were to deny sex he would simply go the rest of his life without sex and never mention it. If I were to throw him out of bed he would curl up on his office floor and sleep there contentedly for the next 5 years never mentioning it. If I were to refuse to speak to him he would simply avoid me assuming I would never speak to him again. Really I have no idea how to enforce consequences with him. He does not work the way most people do.

[tinktronik]

tink, look at the thread you started about him going off his meds. I remembered something you said, looked up that thread, and it was on the second post. You said that you knew you would have to be the responsible adult in your baby's life going into this pregnancy.

 

In a "normal" situation, I would say the guy needs to "man up". But I think you would be much wiser to consider any help you get from your SO "extra". If he works 14 hours a day and keeps the business afloat--great. With his mental health issues, that may be all that he can handle.

 

You can't count on him to care for your child properly, so don't. You don't need to do it all yourself, but you need to hire competent and caring people to help you. A good caregiver is BETTER than dad's care at this point. She will be held, changed, and engaged. She will be fine.

 

I am a strong supporter of cosleeping, and encourage you to continue IF that is working for you. For me, it meant more sleep, not less. But please know that--regardless of studies--your baby WILL be fine if you need to put her in another room to sleep. The Big Picture goal is everyone getting a restful night, whatever way works best for you and your precious, beautiful baby girl.

 

Maybe his mental illness is the reasoning behind this. I think you're right that I should consider it extra but another part of me says that he is properly medicated, why can't he function more normally?

 

Co-sleeping is the better option. I've tried the pack and play next to the bed and we get a lot less sleep with her there. When she wakes up in bed with me I am not engaging her, I feel her, bundle her and try to go back to sleep while she coos and kicks me and eventually fusses. Basically I meet her needs and make sure she's safe, but I'm not playing with her or anything like that.

 

I went on sittercity last night to find a nanny for a few days a week.

[xxoo]

Maybe his mental illness is the reasoning behind this. I think you're right that I should consider it extra but another part of me says that he is properly medicated, why can't he function more normally?

 

Medicated doesn't mean 100% well. Look at your past few posts that have nothing to do with the baby....he isn't quite able to function normally, is he?

 

A 14 hour work day is a lot. If you can count on him for that, and to be an involved father (if not responsible for her care), that is something to be appreciated. That will be a positive contribution to your family life.

 

Control what you can. You can not make him more functional than he is, but you can improve the function of your family by adjusting expectations and hiring some help.

[tinktronik]

Medicated doesn't mean 100% well. Look at your past few posts that have nothing to do with the baby....he isn't quite able to function normally, is he?

 

A 14 hour work day is a lot. If you can count on him for that, and to be an involved father (if not responsible for her care), that is something to be appreciated. That will be a positive contribution to your family life.

 

Control what you can. You can not make him more functional than he is, but you can improve the function of your family by adjusting expectations and hiring some help.

 

I think you're right. He was not hard hit by his mental illness and not diagnosed until we had been together for many years. Just over 40 and he was just flattened by it. The before and after is quite drastic (like a different person) and perhaps I am having an issue with coming to terms with that. Sometimes I see his doing something so bizarre and anti-logic that it seems Rainman is sitting in front of me, brilliant and crazy talented but unable to do anything but freeze in confusion and do everything antithetical to what he's trying to achieve. Sometimes I just feel like banging MY head against a wall.

 

He clearly loves his daughter. He just does not take care of her properly. I did know what I was signing up for, sometimes I just forget and am frustrated.

 

I think perhaps some more care is in order for him and perhaps his doc should be working better with him to get him a bit more functioning with some basic things. I have handled so much for him over the years as well just making sure he does the basics or that the basics get done to keep him afloat and I don't know even IF he can do these things for himself.

 

You've got the nail hit on the head. I think this is more about managing baby, work, SO and what I can take on vs. what SO is CAPABLE of.

[Lucky_One]

What is his diagnosis?

[tinktronik]

What is his diagnosis?

 

It is bipolar disorder. But I've long wondered if there was not a question of an autism spectrum disorder going on as well and his docs have touched on it but nothing at all committal.

[Els]

Okay, Tink. He really sounded like an ass in your first few posts, but reading your latter ones I think you guys need to slow the hell down.

 

Did you really expect you two to be able to put in 14 hour days on the business while having a newborn child in the house, and considering your SO's mental illness? I really, really don't see how this can be done. Either he puts in the 14 hour days and gets a free pass on the childcare while you do all of it, or you both cut down on the business, cut down on the time he needs to spend in it, and both rear the child. I'm not sure I could take on the task of changing a kid's diapers after working 14 hours, nevermind a man with BPD.

[tinktronik]

Okay, Tink. He really sounded like an ass in your first few posts, but reading your latter ones I think you guys need to slow the hell down.

 

Did you really expect you two to be able to put in 14 hour days on the business while having a newborn child in the house, and considering your SO's mental illness? I really, really don't see how this can be done. Either he puts in the 14 hour days and gets a free pass on the childcare while you do all of it, or you both cut down on the business, cut down on the time he needs to spend in it, and both rear the child. I'm not sure I could take on the task of changing a kid's diapers after working 14 hours, nevermind a man with BPD.

 

No, we did not plan on it at all. The second business just sprung up overnight and took over our lives. It's an amazing opportunity, and one we dreamed about but it just happened so suddenly and without planning. I've been trying to slow that train by turning away customers and putting out very strict delivery dates 8-12 weeks away... at least. It just seemed to become this "thing" all on it's own. Even just the time needed in a day to tell people I'm sorry we can't take your order is just so much with everything else.

 

The 1st business is insane right now too. We often bid out to universities or school systems, where the wheels run very slowly. So take for example 9-12 months ago, when things were looking slowish, I put a requested bid in to a school we are a provider to do a large project with them. Say over a 3 month period I put in 4 of these bids with different parties involved and none of them were a sure thing, they just float along until someone transfers money or denies the bid. Typically you get a 70% denial and never hear from anyone again. Well, the system and paperwork runs so slowly that a year later within days of each other there are 3 money transfers from different schools or departments of a school that hit the account totaling thousands of dollars. Now all of the work has to get done, all within a slated time frame based on the schools convenience and it is all pretty much out of the blue after not hearing a peep about any of it for nearly 12 months.

 

This was not a problem when we were both available to run business 1.

 

I think we need to set some framework and a plan in place for what we're doing.

 

I think I could use some realistic advice on what I should expect from SO. Is it realistic to expect him to be able to feed himself on a schedule? Remember to wash his clothing? Quit smoking? What level of care and support should I be offering? Should I be handling his callbacks or are they his responsibility?

 

You don't get any of this info from docs at all. There is no level of functioning they are trying to achieve. There are no explanations.

 

It is easy to go on with life and be baffled by behavior that seems atypical when other factors seem to be okay. Sometimes I forget that he has a disease.

[whichwayisup]

My worry is that he can simply "out stand" me and that if I actually stopped he would simply stop for good and assume we had given up the thing altogether.

 

I think I actually just spelled out the biggest issue here, if I did not insist on it he would leave the baby unchanged forever, get irritated with her cries and wander away to avoid her. If I did not push everything in our lives along, the business for example, he would simply stop, become irritated and wander away. What is that called? He has like a 0% committal rate to anything on his own and if left to just his own desires he will permanently avoid whatever he even dislikes an inkling no matter what the cost to himself or those around him.

 

This is a huge issue. Where's his parental instinct? That worry (the baby is crying, sitting in a sh.itty diaper, needs changing asap otherwise there's going to be an awful diaper rash and possible infection).. He loves her and all but he's just so detached. It's a responsibility that he HAS to deal with and DO, he's got no choice BUT to look after her!

[xxoo]

I think I could use some realistic advice on what I should expect from SO. Is it realistic to expect him to be able to feed himself on a schedule? Remember to wash his clothing? Quit smoking? What level of care and support should I be offering? Should I be handling his callbacks or are they his responsibility?

 

I wouldn't push on quitting smoking right now. Too many other adjustments to be made at the present.

 

Everything under the heading of "work" can be divided up according to skill and time. If there is an excess of "production" work to do, and that is where your SO excels, I'd allot that job to him and consider the jobs that require interpersonal skills (callbacks, for instance) my job. Limit the number of hours you are working, and in those hours prioritize the business tasks that can not be done well by SO or hired help.

 

What happens if he doesn't wash his clothes? He has no clothes. Let him handle this one. To set him up for success, give him a separate hamper.

 

How are meals handled now? Can you leave fresh fruit, bottled water, and protein bars somewhere near his work space?

[tinktronik]

I wouldn't push on quitting smoking right now. Too many other adjustments to be made at the present.

 

Everything under the heading of "work" can be divided up according to skill and time. If there is an excess of "production" work to do, and that is where your SO excels, I'd allot that job to him and consider the jobs that require interpersonal skills (callbacks, for instance) my job. Limit the number of hours you are working, and in those hours prioritize the business tasks that can not be done well by SO or hired help.

 

What happens if he doesn't wash his clothes? He has no clothes. Let him handle this one. To set him up for success, give him a separate hamper.

 

How are meals handled now? Can you leave fresh fruit, bottled water, and protein bars somewhere near his work space?

Honestly, delivery. Thank you for your answers.

 

I guess where I'm at and what I'm actually asking is what is treated successfully? Does it mean that he is treated successfully because he has not killed himself this year? Does it mean treated successfully is he remembers to bath but that's it? That he can do the production work, but not work away from home at all?

 

I guess that's where the major frustration lies, I cannot get any answers from his docs on what it means when the meds are working. How do you know?

[tinktronik]

I wouldn't push on quitting smoking right now. Too many other adjustments to be made at the present.

 

Everything under the heading of "work" can be divided up according to skill and time. If there is an excess of "production" work to do, and that is where your SO excels, I'd allot that job to him and consider the jobs that require interpersonal skills (callbacks, for instance) my job. Limit the number of hours you are working, and in those hours prioritize the business tasks that can not be done well by SO or hired help.

 

What happens if he doesn't wash his clothes? He has no clothes. Let him handle this one. To set him up for success, give him a separate hamper.

 

How are meals handled now? Can you leave fresh fruit, bottled water, and protein bars somewhere near his work space?

Honestly, delivery. Thank you for your answers.

 

I guess where I'm at and what I'm actually asking is what is treated successfully? Does it mean that he is treated successfully because he has not killed himself this year? Does it mean treated successfully is he remembers to bath but that's it? That he can do the production work, but not work away from home at all?

 

I guess that's where the major frustration lies, I cannot get any answers from his docs on what it means when the meds are working. How do you know?

[hotgurl]

Honestly, delivery. Thank you for your answers.

 

I guess where I'm at and what I'm actually asking is what is treated successfully? Does it mean that he is treated successfully because he has not killed himself this year? Does it mean treated successfully is he remembers to bath but that's it? That he can do the production work, but not work away from home at all?

 

I guess that's where the major frustration lies, I cannot get any answers from his docs on what it means when the meds are working. How do you know?

 

honestly, treated successfully depends on how ill he was to being with. My grandmother was bi-polar and her treated successfully was not draining the account and ending up in Argentina the next day, not killing herself, not buying a brand new benz just because. even with treatment she had her ups and downs.

 

my aunt it borderline personality and treated successfully is her getting out of bed in the am and leaving the house occasionally. She can never work full time even on meds.

 

You have to find his limitations and work with in that framework. get a house keeper, a part time nanny to help.

[frozensprouts]

If he does have an autism spectrum disorder (as well as being bi-polar), that can really affect his behavior patterns. I'm guessing that is he does have an ASD that it would lean towards Asperger's syndrome ( believed to be a high functioning form of autism). If this is the case, it may explain some of his behaviors.

 

People with Aspergers often have a very "regimented" way of seeing the world and ordering their lives ( although, to an outsider looking in, there may seem to be no apparent order at all). They may also "fixate" on certain ideas and items, and tend to see the world in a very "black and white" way. Change can be very, very difficult for them, and this sometimes makes them "shut down" at the worst possible time. A lot of people with Aspgers may also seem to show little affect and little emotion, however, this is very deceptive, as most tend to feel great emotion but don't show it...they are also absolutley horrible at "reading" other people's expressions and behaviors and may need to be told exactly how the person they are communicating with is feeling. Some may have issues with prioritizing tasks and may benefit greatly from having to "structure" their days ahead of time. Unfortunately, some people with Aspbergers also have an anxiety disorder, which makes things even harder.

 

It truly is a very different way of seeing the world, and hard to explain if you haven't experienced it yourself. My experience comes from having a teenage daughter with Aspergers and possibly having a mild form of it myself, as well as having connected with many adults living with AS.

 

If this really is an issue for your significant other, there are ways of adapting to it that make a lot of difference in how one is able to function in their everyday lives.

[2sunny]

from what i've read - your SO seems to be a highly selfish man.

 

if you don't intend to leave him - you may want to consider retraining him. he will balk at change - and you should expect a backlash... but what's the point in leaving things the same as this? this sounds miserable tink - and quite frankly like my long term marriage where my then H only thought of HIMSELF.

 

we had a very unbalanced M - and i would have done ANYTHING for him, in order for him to love me. theeeen, i found he had cheated on his perfectly trained wife - and i divorced him.

 

at the time i was devastated - but in retrospect it was perfect because now - i get to live again... i am free! free from a selfish and self serving man who was only capable of thinking of his own needs.

 

you deserve better tink! it's not you... you could go on and on being the "giver" and him being the "receiver" - it will take away the spirit of who you are - only to find him never satisfied or happy with you (it's not you he's unhappy with; it's himself) - you will spend all of your days trying to please him to find that he's not happy.

 

life is too short. if he can't start thinking of you and be less selfish - i'd leave him.

 

you can start a new life - yes, it happens! and life does get good tink!

 

NEVER SETTLE!!! xo

[tinktronik]

If he does have an autism spectrum disorder (as well as being bi-polar), that can really affect his behavior patterns. I'm guessing that is he does have an ASD that it would lean towards Asperger's syndrome ( believed to be a high functioning form of autism). If this is the case, it may explain some of his behaviors.

 

People with Aspergers often have a very "regimented" way of seeing the world and ordering their lives ( although, to an outsider looking in, there may seem to be no apparent order at all). They may also "fixate" on certain ideas and items, and tend to see the world in a very "black and white" way. Change can be very, very difficult for them, and this sometimes makes them "shut down" at the worst possible time. A lot of people with Aspgers may also seem to show little affect and little emotion, however, this is very deceptive, as most tend to feel great emotion but don't show it...they are also absolutley horrible at "reading" other people's expressions and behaviors and may need to be told exactly how the person they are communicating with is feeling. Some may have issues with prioritizing tasks and may benefit greatly from having to "structure" their days ahead of time. Unfortunately, some people with Aspbergers also have an anxiety disorder, which makes things even harder.

 

It truly is a very different way of seeing the world, and hard to explain if you haven't experienced it yourself. My experience comes from having a teenage daughter with Aspergers and possibly having a mild form of it myself, as well as having connected with many adults living with AS.

 

If this really is an issue for your significant other, there are ways of adapting to it that make a lot of difference in how one is able to function in their everyday lives.

I do suspect Aspbergers. He is very regimented, he wears mostly what he calls his uniform, black pants, black top, either black boots outdoors or black slippers indoors. He says he feels more right wearing his "uniform" and wishes there was a granimals system for adults.

He focuses and talks obsessively about specific topics over a span of years. He will talk people into the ground about these topics while they yawn and try to escape but are too polite to simply walk away.

He has no capacity for stress no capacity for distraction at all.

He feels lonely much of the time, not feeling like he's able to connect like others.

His docs have mentioned this before but not followed up on it.

There's a lot more.

 

Do you have any resources you could point me towards?

[frozensprouts]

I do suspect Aspbergers. He is very regimented, he wears mostly what he calls his uniform, black pants, black top, either black boots outdoors or black slippers indoors. He says he feels more right wearing his "uniform" and wishes there was a granimals system for adults.

He focuses and talks obsessively about specific topics over a span of years. He will talk people into the ground about these topics while they yawn and try to escape but are too polite to simply walk away.

He has no capacity for stress no capacity for distraction at all.

He feels lonely much of the time, not feeling like he's able to connect like others.

His docs have mentioned this before but not followed up on it.

There's a lot more.

 

Do you have any resources you could point me towards?

 

the part about him wearing his "black uniform" sounds soooo much like my daughter...she's the same with black clothes- completely inappropriate for he weather or occasion:laugh:

 

here is link that may be helpful for you:

 

http://www.wrongplanet.net/

 

( it's great for both people with aspergers and their spouses/families- there's also section for people with bipolar disorder, etc. )

 

i'll see what others i can find an PM them to you:)

Edited October 11, 2011 by frozensprouts

[tinktronik]

I have a "baby holder" arriving tomorrow. Basically I told her I needed someone to come carry the baby around all day and play with her a few days a week, maybe do a load of laundry or take the dog for a walk. She seemed a bit confused about me and dad being present at home all the time, but perhaps she'll adjust to it.

[tinktronik]

This thread has me so confused. So many of you think that SO is just selfish or I should jump ship. But others see this as a capability issue.

 

I think at the heart of this is my ability to have a standard of happy living with SO who (thank you for opening my eyes XOXO) has many life struggles and some serious inability to function or even think like most people. Bipolar disorder can be a very difficult thing to stay aware of or even pinpoint before a diagnosis. Something that seems very rational to most of us can seem so irrational to him and make no sense causing him to take the opposite path, one that makes his life and mine by default more difficult. He cannot see many of his behaviors as being odd or judge effect on others.

I think I pointed out earlier in this thread, that while every partner I have even had has been "trainable" by effect or consequence to suit a lifestyle that fits us both (or at least appear to be doing so) SO does the opposite of what the consequence should cause.

 

I don't think in the main SO has any malicious intent with any of his actions. I think he cannot see them clearly. How do I cope with this? I guess that's the further question.

[denise_xo]

Hi tink,

 

I'm very glad to hear you're getting some help!

 

I generally think people jump to the 'dump him/her' a bit too quickly here on LS. Remember to also trust your gut feeling about the situation. If I sounded rash in my first post, it was partially because I hadn't picked up on the fact that he had a diagnosis at all.

 

I think it's very difficult for someone on an internet forum to really gauge what part of his behaviour is down to his diagnosis, and what is down to his personality/selfishness (and if you can really separate the two). That's ultimately your call. Do you have some trusted relatives you can discuss this with to get a second opinion on the issue?

 

You have also kind of answered that question here:

 

I don't think in the main SO has any malicious intent with any of his actions. I think he cannot see them clearly. How do I cope with this? I guess that's the further question.

 

So if that's the case, I think perhaps the first question is are you willing and capable to cope with him/accept him the way he is? I don't mean it only as a rhetorical question - it's a fair bit to deal with IMO. If yes, maybe really exploit the resources that frozen and others here have pointed to, so you can put as many strategies as possible into place to help relieve the situation.

[xxoo]

I think perhaps the first question is are you willing and capable to cope with him/accept him the way he is?

 

Yes, it is dependent on what you EACH of you are capable of handling.

 

He has his limitations, but so do you. In your role, it is important that you understand and respect your own limitations (how much responsibility you can handle, how well you can accept H as he is). He may not be able to "consider" you all the time, so you must consider yourself enough for both of you. Arrange for help, take time for yourself, and know when it just isn't working and something needs to change.

 

Hope the "baby holder" works out!

[tinktronik]

Hi tink,

I think it's very difficult for someone on an internet forum to really gauge what part of his behaviour is down to his diagnosis, and what is down to his personality/selfishness (and if you can really separate the two). That's ultimately your call. Do you have some trusted relatives you can discuss this with to get a second opinion on the issue?

 

This is actually really hard to gauge IRL too. And a big part of the reason I get so frustrated is it's ever shifting so he may be more stable or functional and more rational one week and then the next week is far less so. The person he is, his belief system and values bend and shift with this as well. I cannot get a clear answer out of his docs as the statement "every one's case is different" is all they have to offer. I think I need to set up some daily reminders to look for key issues of when he may be shifting and to watch for those signs to gauge his ability.

 

So if that's the case, I think perhaps the first question is are you willing and capable to cope with him/accept him the way he is? I don't mean it only as a rhetorical question - it's a fair bit to deal with IMO. If yes, maybe really exploit the resources that frozen and others here have pointed to, so you can put as many strategies as possible into place to help relieve the situation.

I don't know if I'm capable or if I'm capable longer term. It's a lot like being with completely different people month to month.

 

One month he is caring and compassionate, helpful, funny, attractive, smiling, confident, affectionate and friendly... my best friend and a fantastic father.

 

The next he is distant, evasive, cranky, disheveled, avoidant and short with those around him.

 

And the next he is angry, aggressive, smelly and a mumbling to himself mess and states himself as my enemy.

 

The next is depressed, unshaven, mess puddled on the floor in a dark depressive mood talking obsessively of suicide. And then we're back to one of the above.

 

So which of these people IS he? Is he all of these people? Is he none of these people?

 

We have ways of learning a relationship, getting into an ebb and flow of a person and a lifestyle, learning to meet their expectations and the things in life they find worthwhile and joy in. The ebb and flow is impossible with a person whose personality shifts so rapidly, and things they found joy in one day are things that grate or irritate the next. I don't know how to settle in to this, how to "work" this. I certainly am having trouble sustaining it in a healthy way while managing everything else in life too.

 

But then I am stuck as well on that I deeply, deeply love that compassionate, funny friend that appears once in a while. I even love the distant and evasive guy. But the angry and aggressive guy scares me quite a bit and the suicidal guy makes me depressed and a bit angry as well.

 

So I think the thing right now is to figure out what to deal with first. What I need first. I have a baby holder here, holding a sleeping baby (which is fantastic). My house needs cleaning, I have quite a bit of today's work sent off. Hooray. I'm going to look into every resource I've gotten too. But to be honest I don't know if I can cope, but I don't know if I can abandon that funny friend with and illness either no matter the personal cost to me.

[denise_xo]

This is actually really hard to gauge IRL too. And a big part of the reason I get so frustrated is it's ever shifting so he may be more stable or functional and more rational one week and then the next week is far less so. The person he is, his belief system and values bend and shift with this as well. I cannot get a clear answer out of his docs as the statement "every one's case is different" is all they have to offer. I think I need to set up some daily reminders to look for key issues of when he may be shifting and to watch for those signs to gauge his ability.

 

 

I don't know if I'm capable or if I'm capable longer term. It's a lot like being with completely different people month to month.

 

One month he is caring and compassionate, helpful, funny, attractive, smiling, confident, affectionate and friendly... my best friend and a fantastic father.

 

The next he is distant, evasive, cranky, disheveled, avoidant and short with those around him.

 

And the next he is angry, aggressive, smelly and a mumbling to himself mess and states himself as my enemy.

 

The next is depressed, unshaven, mess puddled on the floor in a dark depressive mood talking obsessively of suicide. And then we're back to one of the above.

 

So which of these people IS he? Is he all of these people? Is he none of these people?

 

We have ways of learning a relationship, getting into an ebb and flow of a person and a lifestyle, learning to meet their expectations and the things in life they find worthwhile and joy in. The ebb and flow is impossible with a person whose personality shifts so rapidly, and things they found joy in one day are things that grate or irritate the next. I don't know how to settle in to this, how to "work" this. I certainly am having trouble sustaining it in a healthy way while managing everything else in life too.

 

But then I am stuck as well on that I deeply, deeply love that compassionate, funny friend that appears once in a while. I even love the distant and evasive guy. But the angry and aggressive guy scares me quite a bit and the suicidal guy makes me depressed and a bit angry as well.

 

So I think the thing right now is to figure out what to deal with first. What I need first. I have a baby holder here, holding a sleeping baby (which is fantastic). My house needs cleaning, I have quite a bit of today's work sent off. Hooray. I'm going to look into every resource I've gotten too. But to be honest I don't know if I can cope, but I don't know if I can abandon that funny friend with and illness either no matter the personal cost to me.

 

Wow, tink. I was quite touched by this post. That sounds like a very, very difficult situation. I admire you. I don't think I'd be capable of coping, to be honest, but I understand why you'd like to hold on to the good sides. Sorry I don't have much advice but I wish you good luck with figuring it all out *hug*

[tinktronik]

Yes, it is dependent on what you EACH of you are capable of handling.

 

He has his limitations, but so do you. In your role, it is important that you understand and respect your own limitations (how much responsibility you can handle, how well you can accept H as he is). He may not be able to "consider" you all the time, so you must consider yourself enough for both of you. Arrange for help, take time for yourself, and know when it just isn't working and something needs to change.

 

Hope the "baby holder" works out!

 

This is important. I think I've lacked the self-awareness to know what my limitations are. I always in life have just assumed I can do anything, can deal with anything. I doubt this is very healthy but has contributed to much of my successes in life. So maybe the first step is to take some quiet time to sit each day and gauge my own ability for the day.

 

So much insight in this thread. It's been so helpful writing it all out. There really are no people you can talk to about this IRL as they all shy away and poof they are gone once life gets on shaky ground with mental illness, it seems. I think I am going to use this thread to sort it all out for a while.

[Disillusioned_Wife]

I don't know what to say about your situation, I had the same issues minus the double home business when my kids were babies..even the PPD.

 

However, I will say this. Co-sleeping saved two of my babies lives. One (youngest) was on an apnea monitor because he was 2 mo preemie and the apnea monitor missed the critical situation that could have been but the co sleeping saved his life.

 

I completely believe in co sleeping and can't stand CIO at all at any age.