Stupid Stupid man

[tinktronik]

SO is pissing me off. Why you ask. Well I will tell you. The first thing being I have some postpartum depression and I just started on meds so it may take a few weeks to shake this off. The second thing being he's a jackass.

 

Just a few examples of how he's a jackass:

 

1. We are sleeping in different rooms since I am nursing and sleeping with Miss Em and well, he just decided to sleep away. He sleeps in the next room. Very occasionally if I'm just too exhausted and Miss Em wants to play at night (say from 1-4 am) I will call over with the phone speaker thingy to ask him for something (maybe her swing from the other room, maybe him to come just hold her for 30 minutes, just anything. This is maybe happens on average once a week. This jackass has the audacity to say things like "I'm too tired" or "I was sound asleep" and all pissed off too. Well, excuse me for expecting you to get your ass up out of bed 1 out of the 20 nighttime excursions I have with Miss Em a week in the middle of the night. The next day he always apologizes but he continues to do it. In my book that's bull.

 

2. We are so at capacity running 2 businesses. Exhale. I am turning away potential clients daily for both businesses.

 

I am doing all of the 1 business myself, handling our contractors, handling the clients, the booking and the billing. For the last 5 days I have been trying to get a contractors access worked out. I had to first get SO to reset the password. Then I spent the next 5 days trying for hours a day to get it to work unsuccessfully between me and the contractor. I would ask SO to check it and he would act like I was stupid and insist it was right without checking it. Guess what, he sent me the wrong one.

 

The other business I am handling all the clients, all the sales, all the correspondence, all the billing, and he is doing the major manufacture ( a lot of work) with some help from me where I can give it.

 

He complains that I'm not getting these things done fast enough or efficiently enough.

 

I also have baby all but 2 hours of the day around the clock solely, even though we are in the same building all the time. He has baby the other 2 hours. I am also managing the house, poorly I must add. I just folded the 12 baskets of laundry that had pilled up for weeks. Who knows when the bills got paid last? Not me. He complains constantly about this. If he has the time to complain maybe he should use that time to do the ******* laundry?

 

Arrrgh

[tinktronik]

Oh I realized I have more. Lets see. We can sit down to a meal. Miss Em will start to fuss. I will pick her up and console her for the next 30 mins while my food gets cold. He will continue to eat, finish his meal and get up and leave.

[whichwayisup]

Being nice because I have PMS and reading your thread just made me see RED.

 

Basically, he needs to MAN-UP and stop being unsupportive, lazy and not helpful.

 

I commend your strength.. If I was in your shoes, my shoe would be Up is Ass by now and then some!

 

As for work, is it possible to hire a few people, part time until things settle down? Just seems like way too much.. You need an assistant!

 

Back to your H, next time he gives you attitude in the middle of the night, go bring the baby to him and then go back to bed. Again, he has to man-up! Be a husband, a father.. A family man!

[Kinder-Horror]

Being nice because I DONT have PMS and reading your thread just made me see RED.

 

 

Seriously - if you are not embellishing... this is ludicrous. That is just way TOO MUCH for you to be doing. There needs to be some kind of team effort here! What is he doing when he isn't sleeping, eating, taking care of the babes for two hours or complaining?

 

It doesnt need to be THIS black and white, but why isn't he handling the business aspect if he is complaining about you not being efficient enough? Or taking the babes and allowing you to be MORE efficient? Like I said, doesn't have to be divided that exact or that "neatly" but he cant have his cake and eat it too. Or I suppose what I mean to say: he cant have his sleep and complain about it too.

 

There is no teamwork here.

 

(If I may add the tiniest bit of silver to your lining, it is nice to hear your business is booming. Being able to turn away clients is much nicer than trying to scrounge up one or two.)

[denise_xo]

Bright RED here, too. Why the fu_k isn't he doing HALF of the night shifts if you're both working full time? You can pump milk before you go to bed. And you need to stop enabling him. Like wwiu said, just hand him the baby and go back to bed - alternatively, hand him the baby and continue eating.

 

ETA: I just looked at the OP again and you're doing ALL THE HOUSEWORK, too??

Edited October 5, 2011 by denise_xo

[tinktronik]

We are both working 14 hour (at least) days-- him doing the manufacture and me doing everything else, including baby and eh' a tad bit of housework. So we're both working like crazy and his work is getting done because he can cram it into his day and mine simply cannot be crammed in anywhere else. I've got a girl in 3 days a week as an "assistant", and I need to train her to take over many of the aspects of my daily load but there is no time to do it right this moment. We carry 14 offsite contractors for business #1 and 4 onsite ones for business #2.

 

I think the huge issue is little Miss Em. That's the GIANT BS flag here. I am getting next to NO sleep. I can't nap with her as I'm attempting to cram 14 hours of daily work into that 45- 90 minute nap as much as I can. SO refuses to help out at night without being a rude ass with an attitude problem. During the day she's just ignored as he goes about his day thus she ends up on my hip/breast for all day. During the moments where we have some free time Em will be in my lap and I will hand her off to him and 2 minutes later he's sticking her in her swing, which basically means giving her back to be as the moment her bottom hits anything other that a human lap she starts screaming like a banshee.

[tinktronik]

This PPD is not helping at all either. I'm foggy all the time and repeat the same things over and over and then forget them anyway. I was diagnosed with PPD when my youngest boy was born and I always thought it was a misdiagnosis but now I wonder.

[denise_xo]

I think the huge issue is little Miss Em. That's the GIANT BS flag here. I am getting next to NO sleep. I can't nap with her as I'm attempting to cram 14 hours of daily work into that 45- 90 minute nap as much as I can. SO refuses to help out at night without being a rude ass with an attitude problem. During the day she's just ignored as he goes about his day thus she ends up on my hip/breast for all day. During the moments where we have some free time Em will be in my lap and I will hand her off to him and 2 minutes later he's sticking her in her swing, which basically means giving her back to be as the moment her bottom hits anything other that a human lap she starts screaming like a banshee.

 

This sounds totally unsustainable

 

Tink, what do you think you can do to change these dynamics?

 

BTW she's just extremely cute in that avatar photo

[tinktronik]

This sounds totally unsustainable

 

Tink, what do you think you can do to change these dynamics?

 

BTW she's just extremely cute in that avatar photo

 

It is unsustainable. We've had the first business for years and it's floated along. We both were managing it.

 

SO and me did some woodworking for a long time and made a few furniture items for friends over the years made from salvaged materials. Right after baby was born people started calling and asking for pieces. So we made them and decided to sell some items, then lots more people called. In the last 30 days we have had 300 sales. It's insane. Great-- but insane. We are out of our depth though.

 

I don't know what to do to change the dynamics as he can always just put Em down somewhere and I can't just leave her there.

 

Ex: Em has a bit of a diaper rash that I've been fighting off for weeks. 20 minutes ago I handed her to dad with a diaper and wipes and told him she has a stinky and needs a change. He said okay. Then he put her into her stroller, where she is now fussing 5 feet from him. She has not been changed and is in a stinky diaper fussing. I am going to go change her diaper now.

[tinktronik]

She is really cute and she's lucky because if she was not so cute and screamed like a banshee ever time she was put down I kick her out!

[xxoo]

Can you afford some childcare?

 

Even if it is just 4 hours a day, imagine what you could get done working without a baby on your hip.

[whichwayisup]

You need to talk to him and tell him how close you are to losing it completely. Honestly, I don't get why he's not doing what he should be doing! How can he sleep at night, look himself in the mirror, feel good about things when he sees how tired you are. God, this just pisses me off. I'll talk to him if you want!

[tinktronik]

Can you afford some childcare?

 

Even if it is just 4 hours a day, imagine what you could get done working without a baby on your hip.

 

I can afford it. But I will say that the whole backing behind working for ourselves is so that we can care for our child ourselves.

 

I may try to find someone who can come into our home to be with baby.

[xxoo]

I can afford it. But I will say that the whole backing behind working for ourselves is so that we can care for our child ourselves.

 

I may try to find someone who can come into our home to be with baby.

 

Maybe use that babysitting time to get serious about training workers for the business, so that you can balance work and parenting as you'd wish in the future.

[Lucky_One]

I can afford it. But I will say that the whole backing behind working for ourselves is so that we can care for our child ourselves.

 

That would be fine and dandy if WE were doing it. But YOU are doing it YOURself.

 

I think it would be a good idea to hire someone to help you in your house. Coming home to a tidy home and clean laundry is wonderful, and makes your entire spirit lighter.

 

I am NOT sticking up for SO here, as I had a first H who used to yell at me for crying in the middle of the night as I sat for 3 hours with a colicky baby. He used to bitch that I was keeping him from sleeping, and that someone ought to be getting a good night's sleep rather than both of us be zombies.

 

But....I wonder if he feels comfortable with a baby? Many men just don't. They don't have a natural affinity to holding a baby on their hip while they stir a pot of spaghetti sauce, and they often feel that they are not doing an adequate job at childcare. I used to get irked at how XH used to dress our son (is it SO hard to pick clothes that match??), and so he quit. In retrospect, I should have been thankful that the child was dressed and in clean clothes and that I didn't have to do it. I tried very hard NOT to be critical, but I think (also in retrospect) that I used to come in and take over some tasks, because I was not liking the way he was doing it, or he was too slow, or I knew I could do it better; I often did it silently, but no one likes to have cereal prep taken away from them with the sense that they can't even make cereal right.

 

Do you have any family around that you can pass Em off for a few hours, and you do NOTHING but go home, take a shower in the peace and quiet, and go to bed. Taking one afternoon off will NOT kill your business, and it might save your life.

 

Putting the baby in the swing? XH also used to complain (largely fueled by his mother) that I held our son too much, and that he was "spoiled" and that I should leave him on his own more (on the floor, in his seat, in his swing, in his crib) rather than constantly hold him. Does SO think that Em could benefit from not being on your hip/boob all the time, and so he is silently trying to show you how he feels, rather than talking about each other's beliefs in child rearing?

 

Just some thoughts....and yes, she is cute as a button!!

[denise_xo]

It is unsustainable. We've had the first business for years and it's floated along. We both were managing it.

 

SO and me did some woodworking for a long time and made a few furniture items for friends over the years made from salvaged materials. Right after baby was born people started calling and asking for pieces. So we made them and decided to sell some items, then lots more people called. In the last 30 days we have had 300 sales. It's insane. Great-- but insane. We are out of our depth though.

 

I don't know what to do to change the dynamics as he can always just put Em down somewhere and I can't just leave her there.

 

Ex: Em has a bit of a diaper rash that I've been fighting off for weeks. 20 minutes ago I handed her to dad with a diaper and wipes and told him she has a stinky and needs a change. He said okay. Then he put her into her stroller, where she is now fussing 5 feet from him. She has not been changed and is in a stinky diaper fussing. I am going to go change her diaper now.

 

This is where a lot of the problem lies. You are enabling it.

[Els]

This is where a lot of the problem lies. You are enabling it.

 

I think that she has no choice in this, IMO. You can't very well let your baby's diaper fester in bacteria just because your SO doesn't want to do it. If he point blank refuses, she does have to change the diaper.

 

However.

 

Tink, I think you need to put your foot down with just about everything else, I really do. Stop working yourself to death with the business. If he complains about that, calmly lay out your baby-care hours for him to see and explain that if he isn't going to help with that, you have no choice but to let your part in the business slack, for the sake of the child and your own health. It does not sound ideal, but it's the best way out of it that I can think of, if all discussion fails.

 

I don't think there is any excuse for his behaviour, after reading your thread. SO not wanting to sing baby to sleep may be one thing. SO refusing to change the diaper is another thing altogether. Oh, Tink, why did you have a baby with this man? I've read your threads over the years, and this seems to be a recurring issue. I know going down this road NOW doesn't help, but surely, surely you would have some inkling of how it would have been like?

[tinktronik]

This is where a lot of the problem lies. You are enabling it.

 

So I should let the baby sit in **** while the sores on her ass are on fire and her diaper rash gets worse and she screams about it? Exactly how long should I do that for? 1 hour? 6 hours? 2 days? Have you ever had an area on your bottom chaffed-- it is really painful, now imagine **** smeared into it. I have reminded dad over and over to change that diaper and waited for him to do it on his time. How do you think she ended up with the diaper rash in the first place?

 

Come on! Enabling it, really? I can understand how if the dog pooed in the yard and I cleaned it up that would certainly be enabling. But the baby HAS to be changed, and in order for her to be healthy and not harmed by sitting around in excrement it has to be done in somewhat of a reasonable time frame.

[tinktronik]

This just sounds like a prison to me. You're living for your baby - sleeping with her and entertaining her for hours at night. That's a bad move. You feed her, then put her back in her crib and let her cry herself back to sleep. You're doing neither one of yourselves any favors spending all this time in the wee hours entertaining her. You're just enforcing a nightly habit of her being up all night.

 

I see women make this mistake all the time - they suddenly become "Super Mom" and they forget they're a woman FIRST. Why are you sleeping with her in another room in the first place? I breastfed and I didn't do that and he managed to grow up just fine, go to an Ivy League College and is extremely successful. You don't need to give up your entire life for a baby.

 

Don't get so wrapped up in motherhood that you forget who you ARE. Call me harsh all you want, but it just sounds as though you're building a prison around yourself - and it's not working for you.

 

I understand your points. However it is recommended by most pediatricians now that you do not let a baby as young as Em cry it out ever, not until she's older by quite a bit. I know it used to be recommended to do this in some circumstances but it's not anymore. And I sleep her with me because she wakes LESS often in bed with me and co-sleeping studies have shown a decrease in SIDS death.

[Eve]

Be careful that the little one does not take over your life. You can disturb the attachment pattern if not careful Tink.

 

Suggestions.

 

. Go out with Hubby and talk.

 

. Reset the daily pattern with baby. Think carefully how you want to shape the day and follow this, preferably with help in the home. Hubby must be part of this.

 

. Decide how your assistant can help. Hubby may have to help train her.

 

. Have baby in the bedroom and share night time feeds. Do not encourage her to play at night. This can be fixed by ensuring she has a rock solid routine mid evening.

 

The most important aspect of all the above is your happiness though. Do not put this second.

 

I do not know anything about your Hubby and hope pulls his weight. I would not have been happy from the very first incident. Not good.

 

You need an emergency back rub and pampering.

 

Take care,

Eve x

 

P.s. She is adorable!

[tinktronik]

I think that she has no choice in this, IMO. You can't very well let your baby's diaper fester in bacteria just because your SO doesn't want to do it. If he point blank refuses, she does have to change the diaper.

 

However.

 

Tink, I think you need to put your foot down with just about everything else, I really do. Stop working yourself to death with the business. If he complains about that, calmly lay out your baby-care hours for him to see and explain that if he isn't going to help with that, you have no choice but to let your part in the business slack, for the sake of the child and your own health. It does not sound ideal, but it's the best way out of it that I can think of, if all discussion fails.

 

I don't think there is any excuse for his behaviour, after reading your thread. SO not wanting to sing baby to sleep may be one thing. SO refusing to change the diaper is another thing altogether. Oh, Tink, why did you have a baby with this man? I've read your threads over the years, and this seems to be a recurring issue. I know going down this road NOW doesn't help, but surely, surely you would have some inkling of how it would have been like?

 

I'm going to have to go back an re-read my threads and find ones specifically about SO. There's been about 10 years invested and sometimes we forget the bad for the good when all that time stretches out in front of you.

 

I think you're right in that I can care for the baby and let something else slide for a bit.

 

My worry is that he can simply "out stand" me and that if I actually stopped he would simply stop for good and assume we had given up the thing altogether.

 

I think I actually just spelled out the biggest issue here, if I did not insist on it he would leave the baby unchanged forever, get irritated with her cries and wander away to avoid her. If I did not push everything in our lives along, the business for example, he would simply stop, become irritated and wander away. What is that called? He has like a 0% committal rate to anything on his own and if left to just his own desires he will permanently avoid whatever he even dislikes an inkling no matter what the cost to himself or those around him.

[Els]

If that is truly the case, it is very, very sad. Why do you love this man?

[denise_xo]

So I should let the baby sit in **** while the sores on her ass are on fire and her diaper rash gets worse and she screams about it? Exactly how long should I do that for? 1 hour? 6 hours? 2 days? Have you ever had an area on your bottom chaffed-- it is really painful, now imagine **** smeared into it. I have reminded dad over and over to change that diaper and waited for him to do it on his time. How do you think she ended up with the diaper rash in the first place?

 

Come on! Enabling it, really? I can understand how if the dog pooed in the yard and I cleaned it up that would certainly be enabling. But the baby HAS to be changed, and in order for her to be healthy and not harmed by sitting around in excrement it has to be done in somewhat of a reasonable time frame.

 

Tink, I understand that in that particular situation you have to take care of the baby. But I maintain that it's a general issue of enabling. Women do it ALL THE TIME. To take another example: For the first two years or so after I got married, my H consistently failed to do the dishes without at least 30% of them still being dirty after he finished. I could have just said 'OK he can't do it/ isn't doing it properly' and then just done it and left it at that. Instead, I put all the dirty dishes back and pointed out to him that they were dirty and that he would need to do it over again. So while I'm not suggesting that you in that immediate situation let your daughter sit and cry in dirty dipers, I am pointing to a general dynamic where you are letting him get away with what he's doing. The way you are laying this out, it seems that there are no consequences for him when he doesn't face up to his responsibilities. When we pick up and cover up for other people's irresponsibility on a continuous basis, we are enabling their behaviour. Or, am I misunderstanding something? Are there any consequences for him in this that I have missed?

[xxoo]

I'm going to have to go back an re-read my threads and find ones specifically about SO. There's been about 10 years invested and sometimes we forget the bad for the good when all that time stretches out in front of you. .

 

tink, look at the thread you started about him going off his meds. I remembered something you said, looked up that thread, and it was on the second post. You said that you knew you would have to be the responsible adult in your baby's life going into this pregnancy.

 

In a "normal" situation, I would say the guy needs to "man up". But I think you would be much wiser to consider any help you get from your SO "extra". If he works 14 hours a day and keeps the business afloat--great. With his mental health issues, that may be all that he can handle.

 

You can't count on him to care for your child properly, so don't. You don't need to do it all yourself, but you need to hire competent and caring people to help you. A good caregiver is BETTER than dad's care at this point. She will be held, changed, and engaged. She will be fine.

 

I am a strong supporter of cosleeping, and encourage you to continue IF that is working for you. For me, it meant more sleep, not less. But please know that--regardless of studies--your baby WILL be fine if you need to put her in another room to sleep. The Big Picture goal is everyone getting a restful night, whatever way works best for you and your precious, beautiful baby girl.

[tinktronik]

That would be fine and dandy if WE were doing it. But YOU are doing it YOURself.

 

I think it would be a good idea to hire someone to help you in your house. Coming home to a tidy home and clean laundry is wonderful, and makes your entire spirit lighter.

 

I am NOT sticking up for SO here, as I had a first H who used to yell at me for crying in the middle of the night as I sat for 3 hours with a colicky baby. He used to bitch that I was keeping him from sleeping, and that someone ought to be getting a good night's sleep rather than both of us be zombies.

 

But....I wonder if he feels comfortable with a baby? Many men just don't. They don't have a natural affinity to holding a baby on their hip while they stir a pot of spaghetti sauce, and they often feel that they are not doing an adequate job at childcare. I used to get irked at how XH used to dress our son (is it SO hard to pick clothes that match??), and so he quit. In retrospect, I should have been thankful that the child was dressed and in clean clothes and that I didn't have to do it. I tried very hard NOT to be critical, but I think (also in retrospect) that I used to come in and take over some tasks, because I was not liking the way he was doing it, or he was too slow, or I knew I could do it better; I often did it silently, but no one likes to have cereal prep taken away from them with the sense that they can't even make cereal right.

Do you have any family around that you can pass Em off for a few hours, and you do NOTHING but go home, take a shower in the peace and quiet, and go to bed. Taking one afternoon off will NOT kill your business, and it might save your life.

 

Putting the baby in the swing? XH also used to complain (largely fueled by his mother) that I held our son too much, and that he was "spoiled" and that I should leave him on his own more (on the floor, in his seat, in his swing, in his crib) rather than constantly hold him. Does SO think that Em could benefit from not being on your hip/boob all the time, and so he is silently trying to show you how he feels, rather than talking about each other's beliefs in child rearing?

 

Just some thoughts....and yes, she is cute as a button!!

 

I think you might have some thing right here. I don't ever take over the little tasks like dressing her if I don't have to; we work from home if he were to see fit to leave her in jams all day so be it, she's really cute in jams. But if a diaper change is ignored or she's sitting in her stroller screaming I'm only going to allow that to go on so long before I step in because there are costs to baby for those actions, costs she should not pay.

 

3 times I found that when he put the car seat into the car and we arrived at where we were going it was not secured to the base, I reminded him over and over to make sure he heard the click and that she HAS to be secured in her car seat. The 4th time I flipped out on him. He got pissed that I flipped the 4th time and gave me that crappy "oh well" shrug and attitude and now insists since I'm being a bit** about it that I should always do the car seat. He has this thing where if I bring up anything not perfect or get pissed that he does the same unacceptable BS over and over that I am criticizing him directly by mentioning it at all.

 

A couple of weird examples of this same attitude that run rampant and constant in our lives (hard to explain and I don't know exactly what it is that drives it): He will come into a room where things are set a certain way, say we're eating dinner, and sit down. Then he will immediately start moving things around to suit himself. Like moving my drink because it's inconvenient for his elbow, but moving it across the room where I can't reach it. Or say I'm settled down nursing baby on my side and I have something I'm watching on the laptop, he will enter the room and rearrange the laptop up high where I can no longer see it but it's convenient to him to see. If I mention that I can no longer see it he gets angry and says he feels unwelcome and leaves.

 

He constantly breaks things. Ex: For months I have had the Q-tips in a jar on the bathroom shelf. He knocked it off, breaking the jar, getting a Q-tip out a few days ago and all he said was "It shouldn't have been perched there precariously". No I'm sorry. He put the Q-tips into the sink and left them, he did not replace the container and blamed the Q-tips for him breaking them. He does this or something like it probably 2 times a day.

 

What is this?

 

We talked briefly last night and he says he does not have the 10 minutes to change the baby. I told him to stop what he's doing and take the 10 minutes. I told him that he really does have the 10 minutes and the stuff will wait. He insists that he must get it done. He's so focused in that he cannot see it's really unhealthy.