thatone Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 broken up after a few months. kept noticing a reoccurring issue. every time i had an issue with her, i brought it up patiently and politely and we talked about it. every time she had an issue, she ran to her mother and sister and i was the last to know. well, sorry, i'm not gonna be criticized by your mother and sister from afar. at the same time she complains that "chemistry between us is disappearing". well no sh*t, when you start acting cold and suspicious around me because you've been picking at my every word and action with your mother and sister all week, that'll happen. then i got the crying speech about her dead fiance (killed in the army 5 years ago) and how 'perfect' he was and that was it. told her he wasn't perfect, she isn't perfect, i'm not perfect, and to answer her statement, no you won't find anyone like him "when you least expect it". he's dead, he's not gonna come knock on your door tomorrow or any day thereafter. back to the dating world i go .
Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Ugh, sorry to hear that. Especially the part about being compared to the dead fiancé. As someone who has experienced the death of a boyfriend, i can understand how easy it is for her to idealize that relationship, but it is totally unfair to you. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this right now.
carhill Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 My sympathies. Good on ya for ending it before the crazy-making set in. BTDT, hung on way too long in a few cases. What I've come to realize is, when a woman starts talking that way, it's because she's already 'ended it' in her mind. She knows the power of her words with someone who has demonstrated love and care for her. Great life lesson. Good luck in your search...
grkBoy Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 back to the dating world i go . What a flake. Good luck in the search for better.
Sanman Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Sorry to hear that man, it seemed you had a good thing going. However, given what you have said, you definitely made the right decision. One of the things I notice is that being the fantasy is much easier than being the reality. I know how to treat a woman well and be 'mr.perfect', but it is how a woman reacts when that wears off and she realizes that I am human that determines whether a relationship can last. She wanted the fantasy with her dead fiancee and she wanted the fantasy with you. She needs to realize that in real life you are not always perfect and she needs to work with you (or anyone else for that matter) if she wants a relationship to last. Good luck with everything man.
Author thatone Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Sorry to hear that man, it seemed you had a good thing going. However, given what you have said, you definitely made the right decision. One of the things I notice is that being the fantasy is much easier than being the reality. I know how to treat a woman well and be 'mr.perfect', but it is how a woman reacts when that wears off and she realizes that I am human that determines whether a relationship can last. She wanted the fantasy with her dead fiancee and she wanted the fantasy with you. She needs to realize that in real life you are not always perfect and she needs to work with you (or anyone else for that matter) if she wants a relationship to last. Good luck with everything man. yeah, i was expecting to be upset about it, but i was honestly pretty numb. i knew it was coming for a few days before the final argument happened, so by that point it was just the icing on the cake. it is pretty sad, we were mirror images of each other in personality, interests, values, etc. but i can't compete with a fantasy image and the criticism of people she sees way more often than me, so there really never was a chance for success on my part. i guess that's why i only lost a day thinking about it. i knew something was wrong, just couldn't put my finger on it. and when she responded to an issue i brought up with "my sister said" the light bulb went off. when i pointed that out to her and told her that's why the chemistry was gone, she gave a fantasy description of the dead fiance as an excuse.
iris219 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Oh, no! So sorry to hear that. This one sounded like a keeper. Welcome back to Singleville. It's not that bad here. Just remember to avoid the crazy, young ones this time!
Author thatone Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) was editing but the end of the last post was... she did initiate the breakup conversation, but it was mutual before it was over. after the fact i realized missing a huge red flag in all of this. when i caught wind of her and the mother/sister talking about me all the time i took it as sort of an ego boost, assuming it was positive at first, since we were getting along so well. but it never crossed my mind that she is one of 5 siblings, all between 30 and 40, and none are married. there you go, mama rules the roost and no one is good enough for her kids, even if her kids are 40 years old. that was actually one of the points i brought up in the last conversation we had, she had a problem with work and ignored a phone call of mine that day, and wouldn't tell me why. later she says "she was going to talk to her mother and a friend about it". i told her at that point that there was a problem with her ignoring me and only talking about her problems to someone else. she gave me a confused look and asked "what you don't expect me to talk to my family?" to which i responded "why am i the last to know?" she didn't get it, dumbfounded look on her face. so yeah, they're all that way in that family, and that's why they're all still single. dysfunctional parents coupled with dead fiance = she's probably gonna be single for many many more years until she figures all this out. i really wanted to be mad at her about the whole thing, but couldn't help but feel sorry for her after it was all over with. My sympathies. Good on ya for ending it before the crazy-making set in. BTDT, hung on way too long in a few cases. yeah, that was a potential mistake on my part. there were some texts back and forth after the breakup conversation and due to me feeling sorry for her, i even admitted to someone else i was telling the day after that we had broken up that if she changed her mind and called me back i'd go back to her right now. sympathy + relationship feelings + dysfunctional gf + dysfunctional family, what a recipe for disaster that would have been. Edited October 5, 2011 by thatone
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 was editing but the end of the last post was... she did initiate the breakup conversation, but it was mutual before it was over. after the fact i realized missing a huge red flag in all of this. when i caught wind of her and the mother/sister talking about me all the time i took it as sort of an ego boost, assuming it was positive at first, since we were getting along so well. but it never crossed my mind that she is one of 5 siblings, all between 30 and 40, and none are married. there you go, mama rules the roost and no one is good enough for her kids, even if her kids are 40 years old. that was actually one of the points i brought up in the last conversation we had, she had a problem with work and ignored a phone call of mine that day, and wouldn't tell me why. later she says "she was going to talk to her mother and a friend about it". i told her at that point that there was a problem with her ignoring me and only talking about her problems to someone else. she gave me a confused look and asked "what you don't expect me to talk to my family?" to which i responded "why am i the last to know?" she didn't get it, dumbfounded look on her face. so yeah, they're all that way in that family, and that's why they're all still single. dysfunctional parents coupled with dead fiance = she's probably gonna be single for many many more years until she figures all this out. i really wanted to be mad at her about the whole thing, but couldn't help but feel sorry for her after it was all over with. yeah, that was a potential mistake on my part. there were some texts back and forth after the breakup conversation and due to me feeling sorry for her, i even admitted to someone else i was telling the day after that we had broken up that if she changed her mind and called me back i'd go back to her right now. sympathy + relationship feelings + dysfunctional gf + dysfunctional family, what a recipe for disaster that would have been. Very sorry to hear this. I had high hopes for both of you. (FTR, I've never compared my dates with my dead fiancee...not once) Here is something to consider though. I do hear you about the family issues... but there may be something else she is going through... Losing someone very suddenly can cause an almost PTSD like condition.. especially when one is on the emotional 'high' of planning for marriage. I've felt it alot... and it is something I still struggle with. The minute I get really close to someone, this almost primal abandonment fear sets in. I didn't have this before my fiancee died. I can't tell you how many men I kicked to the curb in the early days for the silliest things. A couple of really good ones too... That could be something she is going through too. Has she gotten any grief counseling?? It helped me alot.
dispatch3d Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Wait, you're a guy? I was sure you were a girl. Lesbian? Sexual orientation aside, this is ****ty! I'm sure you'll bounce back regardless. And yeah, if you have a problem with someone, talking to them or not talking at all should be the two options. Talking to a third person is going to get you in shiat.
Author thatone Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 (edited) Very sorry to hear this. I had high hopes for both of you. (FTR, I've never compared my dates with my dead fiancee...not once) Here is something to consider though. I do hear you about the family issues... but there may be something else she is going through... Losing someone very suddenly can cause an almost PTSD like condition.. especially when one is on the emotional 'high' of planning for marriage. I've felt it alot... and it is something I still struggle with. The minute I get really close to someone, this almost primal abandonment fear sets in. I didn't have this before my fiancee died. I can't tell you how many men I kicked to the curb in the early days for the silliest things. A couple of really good ones too... That could be something she is going through too. Has she gotten any grief counseling?? It helped me alot. thanks for the perspective, i don't know anyone who has lost a fiance/spouse tragically at a young age. and i have no idea on her history of therapy. i knew there was no possible way i could bring up the dead fiance and have the conversation turn out well, so i didn't even respond other than a "that must have been extremely tough" when she mentioned it to me. the bolded parts sound exactly like what i saw. we were great for a month to six weeks or so, she's telling people how much she likes me. i'm telling people how much i like her, lots of affectionate stuff, all that typical early relationship type stuff. month two, i dislocate a knee, severely limiting what we can do together since we were going out in new orleans (everything is downtown, you have to walk). she starts taking classes while going to school shortly thereafter before i'm back on my feet and walking. in that time i was constantly reassuring that less time together wouldn't be an issue for me, i could handle it. but she pushed that envelope. i think i posted it in another thread but it went from spending all day together to not even agreeing to let me pick her up and bring her home when we went out on weekends, she insisted on meeting at places, excluding me from anything with her friends and family, which was odd since i have met all of the people she was excluding me from before. couldn't figure it out, but it almost seemed like she was subconsciously trying to drive me away, and when i had gotten enough of her increasing distance from me and brought it up, she latched on to my frustration, repeating "it's just bad timing" at least a half a dozen times in our last conversation before breaking up. we went two days without talking after that, and i got the impression that she spent that two days sitting home thinking of a reason to initiate the breakup. even during the breakup conversation she was talking about how great the few months together were, how great i was, etc. she even blurted out "i love you" toward the end of it and then stumblingly added "for saying that" to the end of it. i responded by simply asking why, insisting that she had nothing left to hide at this point so why not just say it. that's when she went into the speech about the dead fiance. it was really strange. but the only time she was really confident in a conversation in the past month was when giving me her breakup reasons. it was like that was the only relationship type thing in the past month that she was actually sure of herself with. she was more confident in that conversation than any other in weeks, almost as if the act of the breakup was a relief, despite accidentally blurting out "i love you" a minute before. Wait, you're a guy? I was sure you were a girl. Lesbian? Sexual orientation aside, this is ****ty! I'm sure you'll bounce back regardless. And yeah, if you have a problem with someone, talking to them or not talking at all should be the two options. Talking to a third person is going to get you in shiat. umm, my name is in my sig, not even lesbians are named Neal . Edited October 6, 2011 by thatone
AHardDaysNight Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 So sorry, man. Hope things get better for you.
Author thatone Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 edit: taking classes while going to work, derp. TAL, you have a PM coming too, if you don't mind.
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I'd be the last person to tell anyone to 'stick around'... but if you two really did have something special... and there is the remotest chance that this has to do with her grieving process... It might be worth suggesting. Some grief counseling, that is. Even at my age... someone who has been through some life tragedies before... nothing prepared me for this. Interestingly... losing a 'fiancee' is considered less tragic than losing a spouse. In my eyes, I was already married. We said our vows in private. Just hadn't made them official. To the rest of the world though, because we weren't officially married, it was like he was just a boyfriend. Plus, there are very few people who go through this in the US at a young age. FYI.. your explanation of her behavior fits very well with mine during that period. It took me about a year before I saw the pattern... and had to discuss that with my grief counselor as well... how I was hurting people by shoving them away... and lashing out. It is one of the stages of grief actually. It is much different than a divorce. I've been through that too. (I know... fun life, huh?) but back to you... this all might be too much for you to want to take on... but it sounds like she needs a friend... She doesn't sound like a bad person from everything you've said here...
Author thatone Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 not at all a bad person. like i said, i couldn't bring myself to be mad at her. i immediately picked up on the fact that these issues were not conscious issues she was in control of, it was something else. her blurting out "i love you" during the breakup conversation she initiated confirmed it. in her case the guy has been dead for 5 years. but from what she told me no one else since then got past a couple of dates due to typical everyday deal breakers, she told me she was more open with me than anyone else, and i believed that. she did tell me some awfully sensitive and private things early on, and as i said she was the type to be very reserved with strangers and friends, so i have no reason to disbelieve what she was telling me about that. that's what's so damn frustrating. i tried to reason with her even after agreeing to the breakup and bluntly explaining all of my issues and telling her precisely how i felt like she had caused this, and she wasn't mad about it either. it was as if she was agreeing with what i was telling her, but enjoying the breakup conversation despite that. like i said, despite all of those issues, if she would've talked to me again, i would've tried.
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 not at all a bad person. like i said, i couldn't bring myself to be mad at her. i immediately picked up on the fact that these issues were not conscious issues she was in control of, it was something else. her blurting out "i love you" during the breakup conversation she initiated confirmed it. in her case the guy has been dead for 5 years. but from what she told me no one else since then got past a couple of dates due to typical everyday deal breakers, she told me she was more open with me than anyone else, and i believed that. she did tell me some awfully sensitive and private things early on, and as i said she was the type to be very reserved with strangers and friends, so i have no reason to disbelieve what she was telling me about that. that's what's so damn frustrating. i tried to reason with her even after agreeing to the breakup and bluntly explaining all of my issues and telling her precisely how i felt like she had caused this, and she wasn't mad about it either. it was as if she was agreeing with what i was telling her, but enjoying the breakup conversation despite that. like i said, despite all of those issues, if she would've talked to me again, i would've tried. My fiancee has been dead since late 2006. Five years exactly. I know... five years seems like PLENTY of time to you and the rest of the world. It is frustrating for me that I still struggle too. Believe me... it has nothing to do with putting my fiancee on a pedestal.
Author thatone Posted October 8, 2011 Author Posted October 8, 2011 (edited) My fiancee has been dead since late 2006. Five years exactly. I know... five years seems like PLENTY of time to you and the rest of the world. It is frustrating for me that I still struggle too. Believe me... it has nothing to do with putting my fiancee on a pedestal. after thinking about what you're saying here for a couple of days i'm less frustrated about that. she did bring him up and go into a long description of her perfect image of him, but on reflection, it was in response to something else, so i may have encouraged that in the breakup conversation. doesn't matter now either way. back home, got a busted knee to rest up for a month-ish, so no one can give me grief about being on loveshack/facebook and playing video games too much, and that's what i intend to do (disregarding a few stops at the liquor store) . Edited October 8, 2011 by thatone
Recommended Posts