MiaColletus Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) So I've been dating this great, genuine guy since February and things were amazing in the beginning. He was super sweet and we've had some amazing times together. We are both young, early 20's and recently, I'm not quite sure why, but I seem to not care about our relationship that much. I love him, I think. And the fact that I say "I think" makes me think I don't. Because if it's love you should definitely be sure. Earlier on this forum I asked what is love? and someone described it as the pain you have when you separate from someone. Well he is a great guy and we are no where close to separating. And hes not too attached or too clingy or too nice at all. If anything he's not sweet enough and I wish he was a little more. I feel like if he showed me more sweetness which is what I like, maybe I would feel closer to him. In any case, I recently realized that I sort of feel on the fence about our relationship. Not unhappy, and I love spending time with him, hes my best friend. But I don't feel like I'm head over heels. And this is strange to say because I've never felt in limbo in a relationship before. Its not that I'm not attracted to him and I see him more as a friend at all, I like him and the sex is good and all. But when it comes to how I feel about our relationship, I feel like I care about him as a person a lot, but not completely enthused. Not sure what to do about this, if this is how most people feel in LTRs or if I should take action. I don't really want to tell him he should show me more affection like before because I feel like that should come naturally and our relationship is ok I don't want him to think I'm complaining or start unnecessary drama. Advice? Edited October 5, 2011 by MiaColletus
Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Give what you want to get. Show him a little more affection and he will probably reciprocate in kind. If he doesn't, then talk to him about it. If he still doesn't, then maybe he's not the right guy for you. Also try to remember that the beginning of any relationship is more exciting than once you become settled into it.
Author MiaColletus Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 The thing is that I am the type of person to always give lots of affection. Whenever we are together I always hug, kiss, cuddle, play with him and instigate things. I always give what I want to get that's something I've always believed in I just feel like I'm doing most of the giving....and before it would make me feel insecure and maybe think he's not that into me and get worried...but this time not so much. I'm just whatever about the situation. I've learned from past relationships that I can't make someone give me affection no matter what and that it's them, not me, plus also that guys get lazy, so maybe that's why I'm not really getting worried. But I don't know....
Pierre Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I'm not quite sure why, but I seem to not care about our relationship that much. I love him, I think. And the fact that I say "I think" makes me think I don't. Because if it's love you should definitely be sure. Earlier on this forum I asked what is love? and someone described it as the pain you have when you separate from someone. A relationship that is stable and without drama can feel this way. Sometimes the strong love sensations only emerge when there are incredible hurdles for the romance or when there is the threat to end the relationship by the other party. In other words stability creates a state of calm with no urgency. If he was a bad dude you would have much more urgency. Well he is a great guy and we are no where close to separating. And hes not too attached or too clingy or too nice at all. If anything he's not sweet enough and I wish he was a little more. I feel like if he showed me more sweetness which is what I like, maybe I would feel closer to him. Yep, you need external validation to be completely happy. Women like you need a man that pays a lot of attention. You need a guy that makes you feel important. Nothing wrong with that as long as your emotional need for this type of admiration is not excessive. If your BF does not need external validation he will not understand what you are going through. Just tell him you need attention to feel better. In any case, I recently realized that I sort of feel on the fence about our relationship. Not unhappy, and I love spending time with him, hes my best friend. But I don't feel like I'm head over heels. And this is strange to say because I've never felt in limbo in a relationship before. Its not that I'm not attracted to him and I see him more as a friend at all, I like him and the sex is good and all. But when it comes to how I feel about our relationship, I feel like I care about him as a person a lot, but not completely enthused. Not sure what to do about this, if this is how most people feel in LTRs or if I should take action. I don't really want to tell him he should show me more affection like before because I feel like that should come naturally and our relationship is ok I don't want him to think I'm complaining or start unnecessary drama. Advice? You are normal. Many women even feel this way the day before the wedding. The level of intensity in relationships is never steady. It always tends to go up and down. As a general rule the needy people bail out during the DOWN times.
Author MiaColletus Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) "As a general rule the needy people bail out during the DOWN times" Thats so interesting I've never thought about it in that way before. I guess you're right, there are down times and I never understood why people liked drama in their relationships but I guess they needed it. I've just always been anti-drama but my ex was always starting something so the intensity was high at all times. I like this much better, it allows me to focus on other things. Thanks that helped a lot! Edited October 5, 2011 by MiaColletus
Pierre Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 "As a general rule the needy people bail out during the DOWN times" Thats so interesting I've never thought about it in that way before. I guess you're right, there are down times and I never understood why people liked drama in their relationships but I guess they needed it. I've just always been anti-drama but my ex was always starting something so the intensity was high at all times. I like this much better, it allows me to focus on other things. Thanks that helped a lot! Love feelings are more intense when the deal is not completed and there is uncertainty. When the chase is over there is a calm and the drama goes away. This stability is very nice, but quite often there is less sexual tension. It is possible to recapture high sexual tension once again and many times over a long term relationship, but this is a skill that not everybody has. Some people get very horny for each other after a fight. You need to study why you need external validation. Remember that no one can make you happy 24/7. Sooner or later the most romantic man will fail that task.
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