Author bluenightowl Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 The easiest solution is not to date women who multidate. Then there is no confusion. otherwise, you will be stuck having this awkward conversation at some point... and after you've invested some feelings and time in the person. See how easy it is just to avoid it all in the beginning?? Well, not all women offer than information up front. But yes, in hindsight, any that do, I would put on the back burner or communicate to them, I'm not interested despite their sexual advances. I think men have to get to a point of sexual experience to feel like this however. I do think men are programmed for sex, we pursue it, but for those men who can get it, perhaps with time we (like women) start to become selective, and when that happens we suddenly end up in the LTR that we wanted. I think there are lots of men here on LS who would be quite happy to just get a chance at having sex. I don't blame them for taking it.
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 No. Again, so you've decided not to multi-date. I applaud you for it. I like dating people like you that don't like multi-dating. But its not about you. Its about them. Before your declaration, I would never have been worried about dating a person like you. Your big change isn't so big really. Whether you know or can tell the other person is mult-dating is the issue and how you express your desire to only date them and their agreement or not is also your challenge. You will declare - date me only or I'm out. Maybe some women can get away with it. Men less so... But some men are good at not only pretending they are only dating you, but also at faking whole relationships. Some of the smartest woman I know have been devastated by men after months who later betrayed them. Do you really think asking on the first date solves that issue for you? No, it will take time, but mostly actions to prove that. That's true... but then I haven't been complicit in my own 'demise' by agreeing to let them multidate while they date me. At least I'm being consistent and also being consistent in what I expect of others. Some people will lie no matter what. I agree it takes time. But again, it is alot easier to tell if someone is dating others rather than what they are DOING with others... The ability to BS is exponentially less...
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Well, not all women offer than information up front. But yes, in hindsight, any that do, I would put on the back burner or communicate to them, I'm not interested despite their sexual advances. I think men have to get to a point of sexual experience to feel like this however. I do think men are programmed for sex, we pursue it, but for those men who can get it, perhaps with time we (like women) start to become selective, and when that happens we suddenly end up in the LTR that we wanted. I think there are lots of men here on LS who would be quite happy to just get a chance at having sex. I don't blame them for taking it. I'm not worried about those men. They can get sex from women who multidate, FWB, whatever floats their boat. I'm not stuck in their drama, getting their STDS... and I'm free to date men who have more mature dating habits.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I'm not worried about those men. They can get sex from women who multidate, FWB, whatever floats their boat. I'm not stuck in their drama, getting their STDS... and I'm free to date men who have more mature dating habits. Indeed, you as a women won't be offering. I don't mean that sarcastically either btw. This is good on you.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 But again, it is alot easier to tell if someone is dating others rather than what they are DOING with others... The ability to BS is exponentially less... I suspect you are right, but not all men. Some are good at both... as are some women.
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 7, 2011 Posted October 7, 2011 I suspect you are right, but not all men. Some are good at both... as are some women. A few more tips to avoid some common ways to BS... don't date long distance, people with funky schedules... or online if you can avoid it. Alot of people hide their dating habits behind 'kids' and 'work'... and a lack of common history through friends/family/community. Easy enough to eliminate the vast majority of the BS'ers by following a few simple rules...
Author bluenightowl Posted October 7, 2011 Author Posted October 7, 2011 A few more tips to avoid some common ways to BS... don't date long distance, people with funky schedules... or online if you can avoid it. Alot of people hide their dating habits behind 'kids' and 'work'... and a lack of common history through friends/family/community. Easy enough to eliminate the vast majority of the BS'ers by following a few simple rules... hmm. well I'd be careful ruling out all long distance people and people with funky schedules, and if you rule out online daters, you probably just ruled out 2/5 of 20 something daters if not more. I think that rules out some if not many of the good people as well. I still think you're right that its easier to find out who is mutli-dating versus their dating habits with other people, but I think many multi-daters aren't that worried about hiding that they multi-date, esp if they are online dating, its kinda already assumed and I suspect most people would be quite open and honest about saying so esp. at the very beginning and if you ask. This is really where there is a big difference from RL dating and online dating. With online dating its kinda all about meeting lots of people to narrow it down. But just as you say, it also gets into a very grey zone of what is appropriate and people get hurt.
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