bluenightowl Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I keep seeing this pop up all over the place. It amazes me really, but I read time and again that women perceive men asking for exclusivity as a sign he just wants me for sex. Is there any truth to this? I think most men who just only want sex, would never ask such a question, and you're dumping those poor souls who actually want a relationship.
Pierre Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I keep seeing this pop up all over the place. It amazes me really, but I read time and again that women perceive men asking for exclusivity as a sign he just wants me for sex. Is there any truth to this? I think most men who just only want sex, would never ask such a question, and you're dumping those poor souls who actually want a relationship. In today's dating world up is down and down is up. Women don't give sex right away to men they really like and give sex right away to men that are not keepers. People get sexually intimate before having emotional intimacy. IF someone likes another person he or she is supposed to fake lack of interest. The word of the day is "exclusivity" which assumes both parties are f****ing like rabbits on the side. Multidating and multi-f****ing is considered the norm. I guess we are evolving. So I have no clue as to what it means to be exclusive. I am more used to the idea of being GF/BF in a committed relationship. Folks in committed relationships get much more sex than singles. So who knows?
carhill Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 It was pretty much the same back in the 70's and 80's. I think they called it 'free love' back in the 60's. The drugs are different now. The classic back when I was young was 'a man will say anything to get into a lady's pants/up her skirt'. What's old is new again.
Pierre Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 It was pretty much the same back in the 70's and 80's. I think they called it 'free love' back in the 60's. The drugs are different now. The classic back when I was young was 'a man will say anything to get into a lady's pants/up her skirt'. What's old is new again. I am told the 60s was great. Huge contrast to the 50s. People having all out sex in the open in Woodstock and no worries about STDs or anything else. It was all about LOVE.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 It was pretty much the same back in the 70's and 80's. I think they called it 'free love' back in the 60's. The drugs are different now. The classic back when I was young was 'a man will say anything to get into a lady's pants/up her skirt'. What's old is new again. Perhaps, but today some men will back 'exclusivity' up with a you are dumped sandwhich if you plan to @#@#$ around because the woman is oh so confused.. and instead focus on finding a women who knows what she wants.. great sex and 'chemistry' spoils rather quickly when you add too much drama.
snug.bunny Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I keep seeing this pop up all over the place. It amazes me really, but I read time and again that women perceive men asking for exclusivity as a sign he just wants me for sex. Huh? I think if he's saying it and showing it, that would mean he wants a relationship and not just "sex".
Author bluenightowl Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Huh? I think if he's saying it and showing it, that would mean he wants a relationship and not just "sex". indeed that is the case, but not all women think like you. it amazes me as well.
carhill Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Decades ago, before the advent of the commercial internet and instant communication technologies, people relied more on what they experienced in person and, short of becoming a stalker or hiring a PI, had no real way of knowing what went on out of their presence. Men could and did often lead a number of women down the 'marriage' path with cleverly crafted words, all the while thumbing through their 'black book' to the next listing, calling from 'pay phones' and 'sweet talking' their ladies with words of commitment and the future. These were known as 'womanizers'. Some were single and some were married. People were single until they were married, or at least engaged, or so it was perceived by most of my male contemporaries of the era. IMO, human nature has always been this way, but it is just more easily quantifiable today with our improvements in technology and the attendant increase in human intelligence from it. We're generally smarter and more savvy and more worldly. I'm following the 'male' path strictly because the OP is about men asking for exclusivity as a pathway to wanting just sex. I've historically seen this dynamic to be quite equal opportunity, perhaps with different 'wants'. People do what they do. After over three decades in the game, I'm out of it now. Good luck. Historically, my path has been one of building mutual care, intimacy and love and where sex (I call it 'lovemaking') becomes an expression of that dynamic rather than the goal of it. Admittedly, it's a path which is largely out of style, hence my retirement.
snug.bunny Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Decades ago, before the advent of the commercial internet and instant communication technologies, people relied more on what they experienced in person and, short of becoming a stalker or hiring a PI, had no real way of knowing what went on out of their presence. Men could and did often lead a number of women down the 'marriage' path with cleverly crafted words, all the while thumbing through their 'black book' to the next listing, calling from 'pay phones' and 'sweet talking' their ladies with words of commitment and the future. These were known as 'womanizers'. Some were single and some were married. People were single until they were married, or at least engaged, or so it was perceived by most of my male contemporaries of the era. IMO, human nature has always been this way, but it is just more easily quantifiable today with our improvements in technology and the attendant increase in human intelligence from it. We're generally smarter and more savvy and more worldly. I'm following the 'male' path strictly because the OP is about men asking for exclusivity as a pathway to wanting just sex. I've historically seen this dynamic to be quite equal opportunity, perhaps with different 'wants'. People do what they do. After over three decades in the game, I'm out of it now. Good luck. Historically, my path has been one of building mutual care, intimacy and love and where sex (I call it 'lovemaking') becomes an expression of that dynamic rather than the goal of it. Admittedly, it's a path which is largely out of style, hence my retirement. Well sure. Anyone can say they love you, are committed to you, and then turn around and do all the things you listed above behind their back. There are no guarantees in life. I personally appreciate a man's ability to verbalize his commitment as well as demonstrate it through his actions.
carhill Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 OK, so bring that assertion into the context of the OP. Do you think that men who only want sex would ever/sometimes/mostly/always ask for exclusivity to get it? Why or why not? What supporting actions in addition to those words would meet with your approval? Granted, I've only been in four LTR's, including one marriage, but my recollection is the majority of my time, energy, actions and words were spent on growing those relationships, not 'selling' the ladies on 'where we were headed' or 'how committed I was'. I'm decidedly not one of those 'I could see us being married someday' on the first date kind of men. But, then again, I'm not a womanizer. One data point.
snug.bunny Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) OK, so bring that assertion into the context of the OP. Do you think that men who only want sex would ever/sometimes/mostly/always ask for exclusivity to get it? Why or why not? What supporting actions in addition to those words would meet with your approval? I can't really say, because personally, I never have been in such a situation (someone bringing up being a couple before having sex). The only situation that comes close, is someone I did sleep with, there was no discussion on either of our parts about "exclusiveness" beforehand but he was consistent... I later brought it up after not seeing him for an extended period of time, to which he told me, he hadn't really "thought about it". Granted, I've only been in four LTR's, including one marriage, but my recollection is the majority of my time, energy, actions and words were spent on growing those relationships, not 'selling' the ladies on 'where we were headed' or 'how committed I was'. I'm decidedly not one of those 'I could see us being married someday' on the first date kind of men. But, then again, I'm not a womanizer. One data point. I've been in two, and there was no discussion beforehand about being "exclusive". The words and actions matched otherwise so there was no need to establish what we "were" in terms of being a couple. So I guess in those two instances, there was no "selling", as you put it. But I see what you are getting at. And if someone I just met came right out of the gate, trying to sell me on being a couple, I most likely would be suspicious. But, if we had been dating for a while and his words and actions meshed otherwise, him bringing it up beforehand would seem alright. Though now I am not so sure after reading what you've posted Carhill, lol. Edited October 5, 2011 by snug.bunny
verhrzn Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 OK, so bring that assertion into the context of the OP. Do you think that men who only want sex would ever/sometimes/mostly/always ask for exclusivity to get it? Why or why not? What supporting actions in addition to those words would meet with your approval? Granted, I've only been in four LTR's, including one marriage, but my recollection is the majority of my time, energy, actions and words were spent on growing those relationships, not 'selling' the ladies on 'where we were headed' or 'how committed I was'. I'm decidedly not one of those 'I could see us being married someday' on the first date kind of men. But, then again, I'm not a womanizer. One data point. I think men who only want sex will ask for exclusivity 1) if the woman isn't willing to have sex without a commitment and 2) they have no other options. There's the double edged sword of how multi-dating/f*cking can actually be a good thing... If a woman knows a guy is/could be getting it elsewhere, but he says he wants to be exclusive with just her, then it's a good bet he's not after sex. If, however, a guy doesn't have any other options, or he really just wants sex, it's pretty easy to say "Hey let's be exclusive," and then dump her when he's had his fill or the next best thing comes along. That's what happened to me... guy wanted to be exclusive because I wouldn't sleep with him otherwise, and then 6 months later, as soon as another option came along, I was toast.
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I keep seeing this pop up all over the place. It amazes me really, but I read time and again that women perceive men asking for exclusivity as a sign he just wants me for sex. Is there any truth to this? I think most men who just only want sex, would never ask such a question, and you're dumping those poor souls who actually want a relationship. Because that is just a word... a BS word at that. My perception of people who use that word don't want to go to the effort of demonstrating their ability to be monogamous... they want to f*ck as many other people as possible... multi-date as many other people as possible... then use this stupid word whenever it is convenient. I can't think of any scenario that takes the romance out of dating more than this... Oh, I just can't wait to be asked to be 'exclusive'... we get to have a 'fun' discussion about what is 'exclusive' or not. Does that mean I get to still keep going out on dates with other people and just f*cking each other? Does that mean that I can give blow jobs to other people, but just have intercourse with you?? Wow, this is just SOOOO much fun. (not) WTF. If people aren't multi-dating, then the need for using that word goes out the window.
Pierre Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Why does so many people assume all men want is sex? In my case sex was the byproduct of finding a gf. I never considered or imagine getting agf so I can have sex. My primary goal was the girl I liked and sex was simply a byproduct of getting the girl. Furthermore, a physical romantic encounter that did not lead to intercourse was a nice experience and never a disappointment.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 OK, so bring that assertion into the context of the OP. Do you think that men who only want sex would ever/sometimes/mostly/always ask for exclusivity to get it? Why or why not? What supporting actions in addition to those words would meet with your approval? Granted, I've only been in four LTR's, including one marriage, but my recollection is the majority of my time, energy, actions and words were spent on growing those relationships, not 'selling' the ladies on 'where we were headed' or 'how committed I was'. I'm decidedly not one of those 'I could see us being married someday' on the first date kind of men. But, then again, I'm not a womanizer. One data point. Good post.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I think men who only want sex will ask for exclusivity 1) if the woman isn't willing to have sex without a commitment and 2) they have no other options. There's the double edged sword of how multi-dating/f*cking can actually be a good thing... If a woman knows a guy is/could be getting it elsewhere, but he says he wants to be exclusive with just her, then it's a good bet he's not after sex. If, however, a guy doesn't have any other options, or he really just wants sex, it's pretty easy to say "Hey let's be exclusive," and then dump her when he's had his fill or the next best thing comes along. That's what happened to me... guy wanted to be exclusive because I wouldn't sleep with him otherwise, and then 6 months later, as soon as another option came along, I was toast. For sure both of those things happen, but so do men wanting to be in a genuine relationship who want to communicate what it is they want.. i.e. not multi-dating or just seeing one another. Its interesting because there has been so much discussion about people being told to communicate what you want, and if you want to be exclusive, say so, and if you only want to date one person, say so, and yet a legitimate man communicating this could easily be misinterpreted it seems as someone just after sex or who has no options.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Because that is just a word... a BS word at that. My perception of people who use that word don't want to go to the effort of demonstrating their ability to be monogamous... they want to f*ck as many other people as possible... multi-date as many other people as possible... then use this stupid word whenever it is convenient. I can't think of any scenario that takes the romance out of dating more than this... Oh, I just can't wait to be asked to be 'exclusive'... we get to have a 'fun' discussion about what is 'exclusive' or not. Does that mean I get to still keep going out on dates with other people and just f*cking each other? Does that mean that I can give blow jobs to other people, but just have intercourse with you?? Wow, this is just SOOOO much fun. (not) WTF. If people aren't multi-dating, then the need for using that word goes out the window. 'Exclusive' might be a BS word, but I used it as a catchall word for the 'talk' however people want to go about communicating it. The other side of what you're saying is that people do multi-date whether we like it or not. As many poster have said, you should never assume anything, and the best way to do that is to communicate through actions and words.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 Why does so many people assume all men want is sex? In my case sex was the byproduct of finding a gf. I never considered or imagine getting agf so I can have sex. My primary goal was the girl I liked and sex was simply a byproduct of getting the girl. I agree. I've always been relationship oriented. To me sex was a byproduct not an end. I've come to learn some women see it as an end for fun just as some men see it that way. The stereotypes need updating.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 OK, so bring that assertion into the context of the OP. Do you think that men who only want sex would ever/sometimes/mostly/always ask for exclusivity to get it? Why or why not? What supporting actions in addition to those words would meet with your approval? Granted, I've only been in four LTR's, including one marriage, but my recollection is the majority of my time, energy, actions and words were spent on growing those relationships, not 'selling' the ladies on 'where we were headed' or 'how committed I was'. I'm decidedly not one of those 'I could see us being married someday' on the first date kind of men. But, then again, I'm not a womanizer. One data point. Well you see women saying the same lines these days esp. if they are just out of a LTR. I like the 'selling' idea. So where does the man who truly wants a LTR, demonstrates it, and wants to communicate handle it. Sorry people are way too hung up on the exclusive word. I've never ever asked for 'exclusivity'. To me it means a conversation about where we are headed, what we both want, are you dating anyone else. I'm not interested in 'selling' an idea to BS someone into wanting to have sex with me. The women I'm most concerned about are the ones who are most willing to have open and free sex with me. I don't need to BS them at all.. they are the ones offering. Lucky me, but less so when you're looking for a LTR not just fun. To me its sad to be labelled as using a BS line just for communicating.. that all I want is sex and I'm trying to manipulate them for 6 months. yikes!
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 'Exclusive' might be a BS word, but I used it as a catchall word for the 'talk' however people want to go about communicating it. The other side of what you're saying is that people do multi-date whether we like it or not. As many poster have said, you should never assume anything, and the best way to do that is to communicate through actions and words. I don't multidate... so by 'default' I am exclusive until one or both of us decides not to date each other. Now that I've decided not to (knowingly) date people who multidate... There should be no need for the 'exclusivity' talk past establishing whether they are dating others or not before I agree to go out with them. Simple. See how easy this is ??
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 Well you see women saying the same lines these days esp. if they are just out of a LTR. I like the 'selling' idea. So where does the man who truly wants a LTR, demonstrates it, and wants to communicate handle it. Sorry people are way too hung up on the exclusive word. I've never ever asked for 'exclusivity'. To me it means a conversation about where we are headed, what we both want, are you dating anyone else. I'm not interested in 'selling' an idea to BS someone into wanting to have sex with me. The women I'm most concerned about are the ones who are most willing to have open and free sex with me. I don't need to BS them at all.. they are the ones offering. Lucky me, but less so when you're looking for a LTR not just fun. To me its sad to be labelled as using a BS line just for communicating.. that all I want is sex and I'm trying to manipulate them for 6 months. yikes! The easiest solution is not to date women who multidate. Then there is no confusion. otherwise, you will be stuck having this awkward conversation at some point... and after you've invested some feelings and time in the person. See how easy it is just to avoid it all in the beginning??
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 I agree. I've always been relationship oriented. To me sex was a byproduct not an end. I've come to learn some women see it as an end for fun just as some men see it that way. The stereotypes need updating. Yes they do... need updating.
ThsAmericanLife Posted October 6, 2011 Posted October 6, 2011 We also want you to make us a sandwich. (magic genie bling)... You are now a BLT.
Author bluenightowl Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 I don't multidate... so by 'default' I am exclusive until one or both of us decides not to date each other. Now that I've decided not to (knowingly) date people who multidate... There should be no need for the 'exclusivity' talk past establishing whether they are dating others or not before I agree to go out with them. No. Again, so you've decided not to multi-date. I applaud you for it. I like dating people like you that don't like multi-dating. But its not about you. Its about them. Before your declaration, I would never have been worried about dating a person like you. Your big change isn't so big really. Whether you know or can tell the other person is mult-dating is the issue and how you express your desire to only date them and their agreement or not is also your challenge. You will declare - date me only or I'm out. Maybe some women can get away with it. Men less so... But some men are good at not only pretending they are only dating you, but also at faking whole relationships. Some of the smartest woman I know have been devastated by men after months who later betrayed them. Do you really think asking on the first date solves that issue for you? No, it will take time, but mostly actions to prove that.
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