Kageytn Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I talked to my ex last night. He apologized for being so super critical of me and treating me so badly. He said he realizes he projected his childhood issues on me and he is terrified of having a family and being with us. He knows I am a great mother and he should have talked to me instead of being critical. Huge breakthrough-maybe. He admitted he still has deep feelings for me and he realizes I am moving forward. He doesn't want us to go back to where we were but doesn't know if he can change. Generally, this is where I jump in with solutions. I didn't. I just let it sit there. He asked we go out to dinner and he help me study for my econ certification. I told him I was not willing to date but was willing to do friend things with him. I've said this before to him but cancelled when it got down to it. I am not sure I am willing to take the chance and be hurt again. I am just not sure. Part of me would love for him to change, mature and want to be with us. Part of me feels he just won't. He can't. He would have done so before this point. I would hate to think I didn't give him a chance but I have given him a chance. We did counseling together. I told him my boundaries and expectations and he chose to break up with me. My friends say it is another attempt at manipulation and ignore him. I know him, though, and I know he is suffering. But so am I. He deserted us and did so cruelly and meanly. So, I don't know what to do. One minute I feel I am succumbing to old habits and it is dragging out the inevitable. The other minute I feel like I am discounting the work he has done with individual therapy and cutting him off. Then, I feel it is not up to me. It is up to him to come to me and beg. He hasn't begged. Any advice?
ConfusedT Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 people CAN CHANGE, but it takes a long time to change- many, many, many months to years to have a true difference in behavior. i kno it all sounds good and trust me, i am going through the same thing, but change takes time and actions show you more than words can. for ex. (bad example, but still an example)- my x & i fight like rabid dogs, but at the end of the day, we still talk and hang out. it's like distance, relationships, etc cant break us apart, but we aren't good for each other?!?! sometimes people just cant be together, but have to be in each others lives- i wish i could separate the two!!!!
shayla Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 My ex swore that he'd change, every time I'd leave him for treating me badly. He'd cry and beg and plead, I'd believe him, and I'd go back to him. He did that right up until he married another woman, so my answer is no. In my experience, people don't usually change, they find people that will allow them to stay exactly the way they are.
broken-and-lost Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 people can and do change but they have to want to and it takes time and effort trust me i know...........
Rorschach64 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 There is a chance for anything to happen from change in personality to deciding oh crap I messed up time to crawl back like the snake I am! With change the person has to recognize what they did wrong, how they could do things better, and make amends. The real question here is, as the dumpee, have you changed and learned from this whole experience?
TheDovic Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Absolutely but only with the help of therapy! Anyone will find it difficult to change on their own and they need to be motivated or it won't happen... Words are definitely hollow, look for their actions
Rorschach64 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Absolutely but only with the help of therapy! Anyone will find it difficult to change on their own and they need to be motivated or it won't happen... Words are definitely hollow, look for their actions Therapy might be over kill in some situations BUT it does help no matter what. I tried it once myself just for giggles since it was free and it helped me gain some prespective. You are right, actions are the most trustworthy while words are cheap, meaningless, and forgettable. That's why I know I was the good guy in my relationship
KathyM Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 You are wasting your time and putting yourself in a hopeless situation if you start to date him again without there being any change. Tell him to get counseling and work on his issues, and after a while, if he believes he has changed, he will need to demonstrate to you that he has changed before you would be willing to consider the possibility of starting up a dating relationship with him again.
Author Kageytn Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 He does go to individual therapy as do I. We were in joint therapy but stopped going when he broke up with me. I have learned an immense amount of stuff about me. I've learned I was dating my father when I dated him and learned I need to love myself. I do not want to fall back in old patterns or quit growing as a person. Our relationship was a toxic cesspool of manipulation and games. We agree we can't do that again to each other. My therapist is on vacation. I'm going to hold off until I can talk to him. And remember to look at actions not words. And to think with my mind not my heart.
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