Zabs Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I was just inspiredby a few of the threads I have been reading this morning and funnily enough, the members of this site have made me answer my own quandary! I will explain what I mean. 'They' say to you...'It's over' blah de blah. You are heartbroken, understandibly. If you honour and respect their decision, I THINK it achieves the following points (and correct me if I am wrong!! lol) a) Demonstrates a real will and desire for THEIR happiness b) Allows them time and space to consider THEIR decision c) By satisfying that need for THEM, it shows integrity, dignity and that we are not sooky saps! (Being a sooky sap never attracted ANYONE EVER did it?) d) Integrity and dignity are desirable qualities and it also shows respect. e) Over a period, THEY begin to see OUR unique qualities again BECAUSE of our no contact...and it is with this 5th and final point that we hold the power! If they broke up with you, insisting it ain't working and etc...but then keep texting, e-mailing, bumping into you unexpectedly or any other way of communicating with you directly or non directly....the relationship isn't completely closed for them either. If it was, WHY do they need to hear our voices? WHY do they need to call us at innappropriate times? WHY not just get on with the lives THEY said THEY wanted? So the trick is to be patient and get on with OUR lives and it is more likely that THEN THEY will be giving some serious thought about the relationship. Who knows...they may actually start to think about THEIR contribution to it's breakdown! Accepting calls, replying to nonsensical texts etc...is colluding with b*******. I am convinced by this theory,especially if there are 'patterns' in a realtionship, it is particularly applicable. The benefits to doing this are. a) We keep busy and are more creative in the ways we choose to do this b) Our self-esteem has a chance to repair c) We get to feel good that we put another person's happiness first (which is ALWAYS a desirable quality in a realtionship) d) We didn't morph into sooky saps and lastly...I truly believe in this....Our ABSENCE compounds our PRESENCE = The fact that we are NC, they don't have access to our love and support and sit on the bones of their a** for a bit..makes THEM ponder WHAT WE are doing that is preventing us from running back to them, begging for another chance. Simple curiosity at first, then THEY get to feeling THEY don't feature as highly as they thought they did in OUR lives....hence THEY are the ones breaking NC and WE are back to equal footing.... THOUGHTS EVERYONE!! Zabs xx:laugh:
StellaA Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Zabs...........your so right! I gues like most of us on here we have all done the pleading at first! I know I certainly did, I look back now and think I was semi crazy at the time and really didn't give myslef time and space to think properly and look at what I was doing and how I lost all my self respect and dignity. I have now done NC for 3 weeks and he text me the other night saying 'I knew where he was if I needed anything' which I thought was strange as he couldn't be there for how I needed him. I think NC makes you strong again and gives them time to see how important we were to them. We may find by the time they realise this we will not want them back.
karmaqueen Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Oo thank you! That was just what I needed to hear! I have been having contact after a break up because he cheated. I think you may have just given me the impetus to stop it all! Thanks so much
StellaA Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 That's great news Karma.....does he want to get back with you?
owl-light Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) "a) Demonstrates a real will and desire for THEIR happiness b) Allows them time and space to consider THEIR decision c) By satisfying that need for THEM, it shows integrity, dignity and that we are not sooky saps! (Being a sooky sap never attracted ANYONE EVER did it?) d) Integrity and dignity are desirable qualities and it also shows respect. Our ABSENCE compounds our PRESENCE" Zabs, there is so much thoughtful truth in your words, and it comforted me immensely to read them. When I had to let my Beloved go (over three weeks of NC now and still counting -- immeasurable pain and immeasurable growth...we were engaged to be married), I simply said "it takes two to roll up their sleeves and work on a relationship, and I hear that you are no longer able to do so." He began to sob. I felt my heart fracture in the absolute certainty that I could not be the one to comfort him now. I simply said 'I love you so, I love you so, and I release you back into the world." Then I went away, both proud and humbled, for he sent me into exile. I did not choose this. The choice was not mine. And most of the time we will never be recalled from this Exile. So we begin again in a new landscape. One that is at first seemingly barren, cold, unfriendly, and so foreign that we can understand no one, nor they us. The truth is that if you truly love someone (i.e., accept them for who they are) the highest good and the highest act of love is to let them seek their happiness -- even if it means you are barred from walking next to them in your mutual homeland. That final gift we have to give in addition to our love (for without it love is not enough): respect. It is dignified. And it should in no way be a form of manipulation... Absence and Presence...there are so many ghosts to encounter in this process. I just remind myself that they cannot hurt me, or frighten me. I can speak to them for a little while and go on... Edited October 5, 2011 by owl-light
Author Zabs Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 'I knew where he was if I needed anything' which I thought was strange as he couldn't be there for how I needed him. That shows you HIS weakness and it is also a test on his part designed to see if you still give a stuff about his support or not. Keep up the NC Stella! It ain't time yet. Nuff love, Zabs xx
Mar1neOne Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Zab, Great thread and some great responses. I totally agree with you all. I lost all my self respect in the last 10 months and I finally feel like I am getting some back now. NC rocks!
arbrne_vet Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I hope you are all keeping mind that NC is for YOUR benefit. for YOU to move on, for YOU to heal. If you are using this as a means of getting someone back, it is for the wrong reasons. IMO:rolleyes:
M2155 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 The truth is that if you truly love someone (i.e., accept them for who they are) the highest good and the highest act of love is to let them seek their happiness -- even if it means you are barred from walking next to them in your mutual homeland. That final gift we have to give in addition to our love (for without it love is not enough): respect. It is dignified. And it should in no way be a form of manipulation... Absence and Presence...there are so many ghosts to encounter in this process. I just remind myself that they cannot hurt me, or frighten me. I can speak to them for a little while and go on... That's very pretty. You are rewarded- in time for the gift of letting go.
Author Zabs Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I hope you are all keeping mind that NC is for YOUR benefit. for YOU to move on, for YOU to heal. If you are using this as a means of getting someone back, it is for the wrong reasons. IMO:rolleyes: I cannot speak for anyone but myself, but essentially that is what NC is about...but my feeling is many of the people on this section of the site have not completely given up hope on their relationships. My view on NC is yes it does work for US in terms of giving time to heal, US to decide if WE REALLY want to try A-GAIN and in the even that we don't, NC has provided us with some direction out of the mess. Some new routines will have now established and the perspective of the situation may also have changed. I think it should be clear what NC is used for but let's not fool ourselves that it can also be used as a method of manipulation too. Basic reverse psychology:bunny:
karmaqueen Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 That's great news Karma.....does he want to get back with you? He doesn't know what he wants. I don't want to get back with him though. I just want to get over the feeling of hurt and injustice and get back to being me. Thanks for asking:)
StellaA Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Great post's everyone! I think NC is also good because is gives you time to think, not make any decisions and also look after yourself for a bit. I miss speaking to my ex sooo much but I know right now I need to work on myself. Taking time out now to look back I would handle the break up so diif but that's because I have given myself time away from the situation. I kept in contact with my ex and as soon as I spoke with him it was nice but when it ended it put me back 2 steps! why did I do this too myself? I'm worth more and so is everybody else on here!
mike588 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I understand what was said about dignity and all that but just walking away after being dumped and wishing them the best,,,,, doesn't that just let them off the guilt hook and let them move on with little if any pain ? In NO way do I want my now ex g/f to experience ALL the PAIN that I've been going thru but also don't want her to feel it did'nt bother me and I was ok with what she did after promising and guaranteeing 100+ times over that she would'nt return to her ex.
Author Zabs Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I don't think it does. Do you know why? One word. EGO. Nobody wants to feel like hey can be so easily replaced or forgotten after being involved in a serious relationship... I posted on here a few days ago...and it was like many I have found myself replying to. I realised even with 0 replies, I already know what is going to happen...because of EGO, patterns, and other 'clues'. That's when I stopped worrying about it and started trusting my self. NC can be manipulated at the end of the day. Some genuinely don't want to resume a relationship but then there's some that use NC to achieve the 'control' they felt they were lacking in the relationship previously. I know this is the case with my ex...and I have a feelingit won't be long.. Zabs xx
owl-light Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 "I kept in contact with my ex and as soon as I spoke with him it was nice but when it ended it put me back 2 steps! why did I do this too myself? I'm worth more and so is everybody else on here!" Zabs -- spot-on about the Ego (one of the greatest murderers of a relationship in all the world)! What a mess pride becomes at this point. StellaA -- self-worth is so difficult to grapple with in the aftermath of the breakup, and NC can help heal that wound. Have you felt inclined to answer his attempt at contact? You are about where I am -- three weeks. But in my situation, not a peep from His end, which is to be expected, I think: the shame of breaking an engagement, and his own inherent, incredibly stubborn nature, and I suspect that he does not want to cause me further harm with false hope. In fact, He went NC, too, two weeks after the fragmentation. Then again there is that lurking, poisonous thought: maybe the dumper is not courageous enough to contact the dumpee, but otherwise would. Sigh. I wonder to what degree we should believe whole-heartedly the following when we are tempted to break NC: If someone really wants you, they would not dump you. They'd reach for you across the chasm of whatever-issue-it-is, and roll up their sleeves. And even if they did dump you, they'd swiftly realize the mistake and make amends.
StellaA Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Your totally right......if they wanted to be with us they wouldn't have dumped us or wpuld have fought for us back
owl-light Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 And alas -- if someone has the courage to break your heart, surely he/she would have the courage to mend it. So while enclosed by NC, remember to accept nothing less than an offer of restoration... Or is that too black and white?
Author Zabs Posted October 6, 2011 Author Posted October 6, 2011 3 years our Stella! My sitch is complicated because even though we haven't spoke he still protects me. His wrath is a fearful thing which is why the issue of mental illness is so poignant. He constantly post songs and stuff on his pages that are related to how he feels, but when challenged by it he backs off. Fear is sometimes the reason why relationships take time to reconcile. I know P feels that I have much too much power over him in the way he feels about me and he doesn't like that loss of control. This is a man who is so worried about 'losing' me permanently, even when we are not together...he is compelled to monitor my movements in case someone else fills his shoes. Either way, I am inclined not to be arsed right now:D:bunny:
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