SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 but it never seems to happen. I go out on date after date and whenever anything seems to be going somewhere, it turns out the guy has major issues and I need to end it. Not treating me or others well, lying, lack of affection or interest after awhile. My last boyfriend was affectionate, kind, and generous when I met him...but after a couple months in he completely changed and told me he had been pretending in order to 'get me'. Found out he is very antisocial, rude to others, and his idea of a relationship is him on his own and never being there for me or supporting me. I started talking to an old friend and we were going to look into dating, but then his ex showed up and started pursuing him like mad and he insisted on having her in his life, so that was out. I don't get it. I'm attractive, intelligent, adventurous, very loving, fun, have a great sense of humor, talented, kind, and responsible. All my friends are married with children and yet I can barely get a boyfriend. I just don't even get approached, and online I never seem to meet anyone decent...but on the other hand I have a cue of men that I am not interested in dating that would drop everything for the chance to date me. I wish I was, it would be so much easier. Is anyone else in this boat? Anyone else having trouble finding something despite putting yourself out there and trying, knowing you are a great person and attractive?
eatNrM Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 How do you dress when you go out? One issue could be that you are not getting the right kind of attention.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I change it up. I might go out in jeans and be covered up for the most part, or I might wear something skimpier. Actually, as I have gotten older, I have mainly covered up when not going to the clubs. I may be a little bit more risque at the clubs, in a lowcut short dress, but I don't go there to meet men, I go to dance with my female friends...and I wouldn't want to date any guy I meet at a dance club anyways! A bar, that's a little different and I'm less risque there. I do notice I seem to get more attention when I'm less dressed up, but it really depends on the night. Do men prefer women to actually NOT dress up when they go out but to look more laid back?
eatNrM Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I change it up. I might go out in jeans and be covered up for the most part, or I might wear something skimpier. Actually, as I have gotten older, I have mainly covered up when not going to the clubs. I may be a little bit more risque at the clubs, in a lowcut short dress, but I don't go there to meet men, I go to dance with my female friends...and I wouldn't want to date any guy I meet at a dance club anyways! A bar, that's a little different and I'm less risque there. I do notice I seem to get more attention when I'm less dressed up, but it really depends on the night. Do men prefer women to actually NOT dress up when they go out but to look more laid back? The only thing is yeah.. it may be less when you don't dress all out, but then again that attention is probably higher quality. As a man, I know if i see you wearing something skimpier, that tells me two things. First is that you will get more attention, because men are visually attracted of course. But second is that most will be occupied with how can they get in them jeans/mini skirt, not so much concerned with your personality. Case in point, when I look at your avatar, sure it's sexy. But I'm inclined to think about other things first instead of your inner traits.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 That is true, but it really depends on where you go. When you go out and all the girls are dressing like that, it's very easy to get overlooked. I am great, but my internal qualities cannot compete with the excess of flesh that everyone else seems to offer. Men are visual creatures and need something to get interested, otherwise they don't bother to approach. They can't see how great I am unless they come to talk to me. If I don't get approached much, then how am I to show how great I am?
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 And anyway, I am a very sexual person, so for me to put it out there once in awhile is not a lie, or trying to be something I am not to get attention. I am comfortable with myself, I enjoy flaunting at times for my own pleasure, not to get men. If a man comes to talk to me, he will learn I'm somewhat traveled, have a masters degree and a job, a good network of friends and family, interests, and a big heart. The problem is that I am not getting approached or I am overlooked. Guys look at me from across the room but never come to me. If I do get approached, unfortunately it's by someone that I do not find attractive or interesting. In the unlikely event that I do get approached, do end up on dates, and start getting interested in someone, they turn out to suck in some way. I've been single, more or less, for 4 years. I'm tired of it and I'm starting to get worried.
ChessPieceFace Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 (edited) I go out on date after date and whenever anything seems to be going somewhere, it turns out the guy has major issues and I need to end it. Not treating me or others well, lying, lack of affection or interest after awhile. "It's not me, it's the world!" Now, it IS entirely possible that you have hit a bad streak, OR that you are looking in entirely the wrong place for dates, but isn't it also possible that it's YOU, or more to the point, it's your expectations? How, precisely, do you expect to be treated? Do you expect to be treated as more important than him? Do you believe you show men the same respect you want them to show you, or are you someone who feels "entitled"? Feel free to be honest with yourself, regardless of whether you answer me at all. Lying to yourself only hurts yourself. My last boyfriend was affectionate, kind, and generous when I met him...but after a couple months in he completely changed and told me he had been pretending in order to 'get me'. Found out he is very antisocial, rude to others, and his idea of a relationship is him on his own and never being there for me or supporting me. Seems you might be attracted to players. Maybe all the men you've tried with have been what you describe, because that's exactly what you pursue. I don't get it. I'm attractive, intelligent, adventurous, very loving, fun, have a great sense of humor, talented, kind, and responsible. All my friends are married with children and yet I can barely get a boyfriend. I just don't even get approached, and online I never seem to meet anyone decent...but on the other hand I have a cue of men that I am not interested in dating that would drop everything for the chance to date me. I wish I was, it would be so much easier. Looks like my suspicions were confirmed. Same old !@%$ story. This "cue" (queue) of men you overlook are likely the ones that would show you love, respect, affection and interest. Instead, you go after the bad boys that treat you like garbage. Then you wonder why. Well, now I've told you why. Figure out how to fix your behavior. I encourage you to try, the world needs less women pursuing human trash, and more women giving the good guys a chance. Edited October 5, 2011 by ChessPieceFace
eatNrM Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 That is true, but it really depends on where you go. When you go out and all the girls are dressing like that, it's very easy to get overlooked. I am great, but my internal qualities cannot compete with the excess of flesh that everyone else seems to offer. Men are visual creatures and need something to get interested, otherwise they don't bother to approach. They can't see how great I am unless they come to talk to me. If I don't get approached much, then how am I to show how great I am? Ah, see I'm not from Chi so I can't say...ha. You're pretty much right with the excess of flesh part, but even so, I wouldn't be surprised if those women were having a hard time as well. If you feel that dressing like that will help you get the approaches you want, then I mean hey, go for it. I just don't see many of these approaches happening with the intent of getting into a relationship.
eatNrM Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 And anyway, I am a very sexual person, so for me to put it out there once in awhile is not a lie, or trying to be something I am not to get attention. I am comfortable with myself, I enjoy flaunting at times for my own pleasure, not to get men. If a man comes to talk to me, he will learn I'm somewhat traveled, have a masters degree and a job, a good network of friends and family, interests, and a big heart. The problem is that I am not getting approached or I am overlooked. Guys look at me from across the room but never come to me. If I do get approached, unfortunately it's by someone that I do not find attractive or interesting. In the unlikely event that I do get approached, do end up on dates, and start getting interested in someone, they turn out to suck in some way. I've been single, more or less, for 4 years. I'm tired of it and I'm starting to get worried. Woahh calm down:laugh: I mean, I'm sure you are sexual, and like most women, flaunt it for yourself. Most guys won't approach for several reasons, the biggest one of course being self-confidence, and (closely in second) they probably assume you're paired off already. Many men tend to associate beautiful woman=taken. Or a third reason, is that they feel you're out of their league, so they don't bother..which I guess goes back to the self confidence one. I doubt you'll be single for much longer.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Those are really good points. I think to get an idea of me, you would have to know that I'm incredibly affectionate, loving, giving, generous, and pretty much do all that I can to make someone else happy. I have a tendency to overlook or forgive offenses, and blame myself for mistreatment. I have been in several longterm relationships, and they were riddled with my being rejected and emotionally and physically abused. So, as the years have gone by, I have learned to be a bit smarter about men and pay attention to the red flags I see. I want to be treated with the same loving care and affection, loyalty, honesty, and dependability that I give to every man that I care about. My expectations are to meet someone nice, who doesn't necessarily have to be hot but attractive to ME. My last boyfriend wasn't that attractive at all, and before that I dated a model. I am more about personality. I actually LIKE dating guys who are a bit nerdy, depending on the degree. I LIKE the 'nice guys' provided that I find them attractive and somewhat social. But the 'nice guys' I have met have it in for the world, and are angry and not always nice. They are too socially awkward and embarrassing at times, and I find I have to teach them everything...whether it's about how to order in a restaurant, how to be more social, or instructing them sexually. I am tired of teaching, I have a more submissive personality and I want a man that I feel is more on my level. I don't need him to know it all, but it would be nice to be the student once in awhile and have more of a balance. I am actually very turned off by players. I don't want someone that has women all over the place. This is also another reason I tend to stay away from the more attractive men. I find they have less to offer personality wise and they tend to be players. When I said I have a cue of guys, I mean that these are guys that I wish I was attracted to and I am just not. I have tried to date one of them actually, and it went very badly because I tried to force my interest. I also went on a date with another one. I did actually start a relationship with one of them and he had social issues, turned out to be recently off meds, and he would ignore me for no reason or yell at me for saying hello. Trust me, if someone likes me I want to give them a chance. For me, I just want a guy who is kind to me and to others, who has a college degree and a decent job...or maybe not even a college degree but at least be responsible with a job, be somewhat intelligent, be affectionate and loyal, and to love me. Moderately attractive is good enough for me. I am very ok with an average sort of person that is above average to me. I have never once been interested in bad boys. Due to my history of abuse, they scare me. I just want someone nice and steady.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I've been single for awhile. And I will continue to be single for a little bit. I'm a teacher and I couldn't find a teaching job, or anything else for that matter since I just had experience in teaching. So I recently moved to the Middle East to teach. I don't mind being here but I am so incredibly lonely and I regret coming here for that reason. I also had a boyfriend who was also moving here but he changed, as I said. So I was left alone and I'm not sure what to do. After having a boyfriend again and opening myself up to someone after so long...I am not happy with or ready to go back to being alone all the time. I am thinking of leaving after a year and going back to Chicago, after I get some traveling in. But even in Chicago I was getting overlooked. Here I am definitely not overlooked, the men stare at me constantly and if I wanted to have a Middle Eastern boyfriend I would have no problem, but I definitely don't want to stay here forever.
eatNrM Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I've been single for awhile. And I will continue to be single for a little bit. I'm a teacher and I couldn't find a teaching job, or anything else for that matter since I just had experience in teaching. So I recently moved to the Middle East to teach. I don't mind being here but I am so incredibly lonely and I regret coming here for that reason. I also had a boyfriend who was also moving here but he changed, as I said. So I was left alone and I'm not sure what to do. After having a boyfriend again and opening myself up to someone after so long...I am not happy with or ready to go back to being alone all the time. I am thinking of leaving after a year and going back to Chicago, after I get some traveling in. But even in Chicago I was getting overlooked. Here I am definitely not overlooked, the men stare at me constantly and if I wanted to have a Middle Eastern boyfriend I would have no problem, but I definitely don't want to stay here forever. Honestly, just go ahead and return to Chicago. I hear dating can be rough out there because everyone has an agenda and many men/women don't want to settle down. I mean, you might as well at this point, put yourself in a comfortable situation. I don't think being in the middle east will help you either. It's time to start taking some action girl. Otherwise I'll fly out and get you.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Haha! Thanks, you make me feel better. I think I will stay here for a year at least though, I can make enough money to travel a bit and then I will probably start looking for jobs in Chicago or Wisconsin. I won't stay the full two years.
eatNrM Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Haha! Thanks, you make me feel better. I think I will stay here for a year at least though, I can make enough money to travel a bit and then I will probably start looking for jobs in Chicago or Wisconsin. I won't stay the full two years. I think this might be a good start, especially since you're in a place filled with men you don't really want..I bet after a while that wears on you mentally..which probably led to you posting on here. That's why I say head back this way when you can..or hey.. I see you say you don't like being alone, well maybe you can pick up one of them middle eastern men to fool around with for the time being? Seems like they fancy you enough lol..
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Yes I have been asked many times...that's how the men are here...hello, how are you, I want to have sex with you. It's hilarious and creepy. I'm not one that likes to go for casual sex though. There are some very, very wealthy men here though. Most of my friends are trying to land themselves a rich Emirate man. I don't need or want wealth though. Just someone nice.
red shoes Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 but it never seems to happen. I go out on date after date and whenever anything seems to be going somewhere, it turns out the guy has major issues and I need to end it. Not treating me or others well, lying, lack of affection or interest after awhile. My last boyfriend was affectionate, kind, and generous when I met him...but after a couple months in he completely changed and told me he had been pretending in order to 'get me'. Found out he is very antisocial, rude to others, and his idea of a relationship is him on his own and never being there for me or supporting me. I started talking to an old friend and we were going to look into dating, but then his ex showed up and started pursuing him like mad and he insisted on having her in his life, so that was out. I don't get it. I'm attractive, intelligent, adventurous, very loving, fun, have a great sense of humor, talented, kind, and responsible. All my friends are married with children and yet I can barely get a boyfriend. I just don't even get approached, and online I never seem to meet anyone decent...but on the other hand I have a cue of men that I am not interested in dating that would drop everything for the chance to date me. I wish I was, it would be so much easier. Is anyone else in this boat? Anyone else having trouble finding something despite putting yourself out there and trying, knowing you are a great person and attractive? I'm in a similar situation. Tried real life dating and then now online dating. I've met different people but not someone there was mutual affection for. I'm by no means perfect but I believe I have a lot to offer. I've been told that I'm attractive and smart. I don't have a major characteristic flaw that keeps people away from me so I just don't know why it hasn't happened to me yet. I get increasingly upset when my friends start dating or getting married so I know what you mean.
ChessPieceFace Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Yes I have been asked many times...that's how the men are here...hello, how are you, I want to have sex with you. It's hilarious and creepy. I'm not one that likes to go for casual sex though. Wow that's really gross of them. And good for you that you don't whore yourself out with casual sex. As for this "queue" of men. You mentioned trying with one of them and it didn't work out. How many dates did it involve? Were your intentions only to develop romantic attraction? I am wondering if you might find success by simply spending some time with some of these guys, not on romantic "dates" but just being together and seeing what common interests you share, and having a good time, maybe as part of a group. Maybe some kind of attraction could develop over time, maybe you will see some things in one of them that you never noticed before? Of course if they are pathetically falling all over themselves over you, that wouldn't make for a good time at all. I also stand by my original idea of examining your own behavior and choices, and in the qualities of the guys you have gone after. Again, if you have consistently gone after guys with certain qualities you claim you don't like, you may be in a very common situation of lying to yourself about your own attraction. Lastly, maybe change the venue? For myself, I am pretty asocial, but I sometimes like to sing karaoke. A few girls there have shown me what might be viewed as interest or potential interest. I have had absolutely NO desire to pursue them, not simply due to shyness, but put simply -- I would never want to date anyone who hung out at those places for the drinking. I just don't think the odds are very good at finding a LTR over alcohol. If that's where you're looking, you're already at a big disadvantage. IMO.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Red Shoes, I bet that you ARE completely awesome. You know, sometimes when I get down I think about a roommate that I had and still keep in touch with. She's a year older than me. This girl is completely gorgeous, laid back and down to earth, VERY sweet and loving, hard working, and ambitious. She has been working as an army nurse for the last few years and finally has a good boyfriend. But she was single practically the ENTIRE time we lived together, which was 3 years. This girl was completely amazing and STILL she was single. And I've seen a lot of very mediocre women or women with issues end up married with kids and it sucks. I think that sometimes it's just the luck of the draw. We all have issues, none of us are perfect, but hopefully as we get older we work on our faults and become pretty great people, and knowledgeable enough about relationships to be good partners. I am really hoping that I am able to find someone that can see that in me, it's just a matter of finding someone that I am interested in, that is ALSO interested enough in me to want to find out how great I am. I hope this happens for you as well. It sucks to see great girls on the sidelines when others get swooped up. I put myself out there, I'm social, I'm cool. I was actually what you might consider popular once upon a time, so I'm not one of those people who are so awkward that she has difficulty keeping guys. ChessPieceFace, it is a bit gross, but I'm in a totally different culture now and I need to not look at things from my American perspective. They do not date here, they just see a woman they like and they marry. Also, many of the men here are from other areas of the Middle East, working to support families back home. They often are in arranges marriages, and they come here to work godless hours and earn very little money, which they then send home. They do not know how to date, never having had to, and they do not know how to approach a Western woman, especially since there is a HUGE preconception that EVERYONE has here that American women will sleep with anyone. So they figure...why not them? One of the cue was my best friend. One was a good friend. Others were guys I have met and became friends with. I spent time with each of them, with my best friend I did try to date him but it felt wrong. I spent a year going out on dates with and trying to have somewhat of a relationship with my other good friend, and I do go out on dates with the others. Like I said, I don't mind somewhat nerdy guys but these guys were definitely too much. I would prefer just an average guy. No one too lacking in social skills but also no one too smooth! Or if he must be a bit awkward, that's ok, but just not to an extreme. A little awkwardness is cute.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Personally, I think that one of the biggest problems for women is that men seem to be naturally very competitive and visual. They hone in on a very attractive woman, the one that is getting most of the attention, and they try to compete or they focus so much on that one woman that they neglect every other woman in the place. That woman you are so focused on is likely vapid and so used to guys falling all over her that she won't be very interesting or fun. You neglect the great, attractive girls standing near her because they don't seem like the prize, when in reality they are much MORE of a prize.
red shoes Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Red Shoes, I bet that you ARE completely awesome. You know, sometimes when I get down I think about a roommate that I had and still keep in touch with. She's a year older than me. This girl is completely gorgeous, laid back and down to earth, VERY sweet and loving, hard working, and ambitious. She has been working as an army nurse for the last few years and finally has a good boyfriend. But she was single practically the ENTIRE time we lived together, which was 3 years. This girl was completely amazing and STILL she was single. And I've seen a lot of very mediocre women or women with issues end up married with kids and it sucks. I think that sometimes it's just the luck of the draw. We all have issues, none of us are perfect, but hopefully as we get older we work on our faults and become pretty great people, and knowledgeable enough about relationships to be good partners. I am really hoping that I am able to find someone that can see that in me, it's just a matter of finding someone that I am interested in, that is ALSO interested enough in me to want to find out how great I am. I hope this happens for you as well. It sucks to see great girls on the sidelines when others get swooped up. I put myself out there, I'm social, I'm cool. I was actually what you might consider popular once upon a time, so I'm not one of those people who are so awkward that she has difficulty keeping guys. Thanks, SilverLining. I've seen not so great looking women dating or married. I'm not saying they don't deserve love but why is it so elusive when it comes to me? We just have to keep trying, I guess.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 We all want and deserve to find love. I guess all we can do is put ourselves out there. I just don't want to settle because I'm afraid it won't happen for me.
betterdeal Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Have you tried looking somewhere a bit off the radar? Near me is an animal sanctuary that runs singles nights to raise funds. That sort of thing could be fun, and less dreary than online dating.
betterdeal Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Personally, I think that one of the biggest problems for women is that men seem to be naturally very competitive and visual. They hone in on a very attractive woman, the one that is getting most of the attention, and they try to compete or they focus so much on that one woman that they neglect every other woman in the place. That woman you are so focused on is likely vapid and so used to guys falling all over her that she won't be very interesting or fun. You neglect the great, attractive girls standing near her because they don't seem like the prize, when in reality they are much MORE of a prize. Ah, reminds me of the advice an old chap gave me once : always go for the second prettiest girl in the room. Much less competition and, anatomically, has all the same bits.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 That's GREAT advice! I have to say that I have had some very attractive friends...and although I enjoy friendships with all sorts of people, they were by FAR the least interesting and kindest. Granted, there are exceptions...but their less attractive friends usually had something more going on and were a LOT cooler. Also, less attractive does NOT mean ugly. I wonder why the guys all fight over one specific girl like that and forget all the rest? It used to drive me nuts to see some great guys hit on my friend, and watch as she trashed them and treated them like crap, knowing that I would have been thrilled to have been asked by some of them. And I am pretty attractive myself, but as long as she was around I got almost NO attention. I valued her friendship too much to just avoid her, but I sometimes think that if I had, I might have had a lot more prospects.
Author SilverLining Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Also...well now I'm in the Middle East...but a couple months before in Chicago, I would get asked out on the bus, at the store, in traffic jams....etc. I wasn't just meeting guys out at bars. I tried museums and all of that as well. I find that online dating gives you more options and you can put more of yourself out there...but as a whole I haven't had too much success with anything. I definitely have not been willing to put up with bs from guys anymore, so if they call me for a date that night I say no (not a booty call!), if they cancel a date and give no explanation or try to set something else up they are gone. If they start showing themselves to be kind of mean or odd they are gone as well. i know there are a lot of great guys, I meet them! But they are usually taken.
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