Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I was supposed to go out with this guy tonight and I cancelled on him at the last minute. I showered and got ready, but was just really not feeling it. The reason is something about him reminded me of my ex. Not a red flag thing, just a stupid thing. I feel like a bad person. It was extremely unfair of me to judge him on this dumb, inconsequential fact. I've heard it takes 1/2 the time of a relationship to get completely over it. Do you think that's true? My last relationship was 8 years. It's been almost 3 years since we split. Do I really have a whole year left before I'm ready? For the second time tonight, I think I'm nuts.
Ginger Beer Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 As a guy, when this happens it's really, really frustrating and it is hurtful too. I personally don't believe that by the way, I wasn't with my ex for long but it's been ages since the split and I'm not over it yet.
Jynxx Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I've heard it takes 1/2 the time of a relationship to get completely over it. Do you think that's true? My last relationship was 8 years. It's been almost 3 years since we split. Do I really have a whole year left before I'm ready? No, it's not true. It's a guideline, nothing more. It's very likely someone who's broken up 6 months or even a year after an 8 year relatinship isn't ready for a new one, and that saying protects them from expecting they are. But it's not as if you're not gonna be ready at 3y11months and ready at 4y1month. You don't have any time ahead of you before you're ready.
CocoaBrown Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Hey, To me if you weren't feelin' it you just weren't feelin' it and it's better that you called and let him know instead of not showing up. Are you just having an off day/night, or does he just have no chance of seeing you? Have you dated anyone else since breaking up with your ex? I don't think that time table is set in stone. The first year after a break up is really hard, but I think if you have taken time out for yourself and you meet someone you really like you would be able to have someone in your life sooner. But don't beat yourself up if you need to take more time.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 As a guy, when this happens it's really, really frustrating and it is hurtful too. I personally don't believe that by the way, I wasn't with my ex for long but it's been ages since the split and I'm not over it yet. I totally realize that I'm being a jerk and he's probably mad and thinks I'm a flake. I sincerely feel bad about cancelling. something in my gut told me not to go. I'd almost feel worse about going, with my head not in it, and wasting his time? If that makes any sense.
Imajerk17 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I was supposed to go out with this guy tonight and I cancelled on him at the last minute. I showered and got ready, but was just really not feeling it. The reason is something about him reminded me of my ex. Not a red flag thing, just a stupid thing. I feel like a bad person. It was extremely unfair of me to judge him on this dumb, inconsequential fact. I've heard it takes 1/2 the time of a relationship to get completely over it. Do you think that's true? My last relationship was 8 years. It's been almost 3 years since we split. Do I really have a whole year left before I'm ready? For the second time tonight, I think I'm nuts. Karma. How do you expect to meet someone wonderful when you didn't act that way yourself. I hope you at least had the decency to apologize.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 No, it's not true. It's a guideline, nothing more. It's very likely someone who's broken up 6 months or even a year after an 8 year relatinship isn't ready for a new one, and that saying protects them from expecting they are. But it's not as if you're not gonna be ready at 3y11months and ready at 4y1month. You don't have any time ahead of you before you're ready. I know there's no specific timeline- I feel like I should be ready by now. He jumped almost instantly into a new relationship and is still with her. I'm 100% positive he's doing the same thing to her he did to me (cheating, what else) but all I can feel is bad for the new girl in that situation. I honestly have no interaction with him or her and I don't really care. I think that maybe even though TIME has passed, I haven't done enough work on myself to be ready. So it's like I'm dragging it out and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Whatever was wrong with me at 24 when I got into that toxic relationship with him and accepted it for so long, is STILL wrong with me, and for the life of me I can't figure out what that is.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Karma. How do you expect to meet someone wonderful when you didn't act that way yourself. I hope you at least had the decency to apologize. I'm a big believer in karma. I did apologize.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 Ok. There were things about this guy that reminded me of my ex- he is very intense. His family is Italian. He asked a lot of probing questions in just a couple of days of knowing each other. He was text-happy. He has kept up with the texting morning noon and night since meeting him 4 days ago. He was coming on really strong. Maybe I was just sensing danger similar to my ex. Maybe I'm just being a jerk. I am uncertain.
whichwayisup Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I totally realize that I'm being a jerk and he's probably mad and thinks I'm a flake. I sincerely feel bad about cancelling. something in my gut told me not to go. I'd almost feel worse about going, with my head not in it, and wasting his time? If that makes any sense. If you feel bad about this, then call him and be upfront and honest. Just tell him that you had second thoughts and aren't over your ex, and it just didn't feel right. Apologize, tell him you hope he understands..And leave it at that. It might make you feel better by just being honest with him rather than him think you're a flake or playing games.
mrgoodcat Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Karma is a bitch. I know. If you don't truly like someone, you shouldn't agree to a date. First date will be OK, second one-meh...., and third one you won't show up to because you are so unattracted to the person.
oaks Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I was supposed to go out with this guy tonight and I cancelled on him at the last minute. I showered and got ready, but was just really not feeling it. The reason is something about him reminded me of my ex. Not a red flag thing, just a stupid thing. I feel like a bad person. It was extremely unfair of me to judge him on this dumb, inconsequential fact. I'm guessing that you didn't only realise that he reminded you of your ex at the last minute? So, yes, that's a poor reason for flaking but you already know that. I've heard it takes 1/2 the time of a relationship to get completely over it. Do you think that's true? My last relationship was 8 years. It's been almost 3 years since we split. Do I really have a whole year left before I'm ready? I've "heard" several different formulae. The other one I read often is "1 month per year". I'm sure it depends a lot on the individual - you know if you still think about your ex every day (which would generally be a sign of not being over him, unless you have kids together or some other reason why he has to be somewhere in your life).
Imajerk17 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Ok. There were things about this guy that reminded me of my ex- he is very intense. His family is Italian. He asked a lot of probing questions in just a couple of days of knowing each other. He was text-happy. He has kept up with the texting morning noon and night since meeting him 4 days ago. He was coming on really strong. Maybe I was just sensing danger similar to my ex. Maybe I'm just being a jerk. I am uncertain. Well, some might say that this was indeed a red flag. From what you wrote it does sound that he was coming on a little strong.
TheSingleGuy Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 If I had a nickle for every time this has happened to me. I swear, my heart is COLD towards women now. The last minute flake used to completely tear me up, with me wondering what the f*** I did wrong. Why doesn't she find me attractive? I should hit the gym more often and make myself more attractive. Maybe I called to or texted too much. Maybe I didn't call or text enough??? Just go bang your head against a brick wall until it bleeds. Because no woman has ever volunteered an explanation. And it'd be unattractive to ask for one. ****, I'm getting used to it. Hell, I almost expect this on a first date now days. Just another piece of evidence to prove that women are 10,000 times more selfish than men. I bet you didn't even have the stones to pick up the phone and call him, did you? I bet you sent an insincere text message, didn't you? Right at go time. I hope some guy rips your heart out of your chest one day. You deserve it, you are absolutely, totally selfish. It's all about YOU!
Pierre Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I was supposed to go out with this guy tonight and I cancelled on him at the last minute. I showered and got ready, but was just really not feeling it. The reason is something about him reminded me of my ex. Not a red flag thing, just a stupid thing. I feel like a bad person. It was extremely unfair of me to judge him on this dumb, inconsequential fact. I've heard it takes 1/2 the time of a relationship to get completely over it. Do you think that's true? My last relationship was 8 years. It's been almost 3 years since we split. Do I really have a whole year left before I'm ready? For the second time tonight, I think I'm nuts. If you are acting flaky and not ready to date you made the guy a huge favor. Better now than later. So no big deal.
grkBoy Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 I dunno Beachgirl8. I think you're worrying too much. GUESS WHAT? There are bad people out there. WORSE PART: You will never know who's the good person and who's the bad person without taking a risk. I've had a few women do what I call "punishing me for their ex's bad behavior". They either saw me as the great evil because I have a penis, or worse they saw one tiny thing that reminded them of their ex and immediately I'm rejected. NOW...I'm not saying you must date every guy, but don't take tiny things that might make you think this new guy is like your ex and run with it. You have to unfortunately go on dates with these guys and see how they act. Period. Dump a guy because he was terrible to you, not because you're worried that he might be terrible to you.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 If I had a nickle for every time this has happened to me. I swear, my heart is COLD towards women now. The last minute flake used to completely tear me up, with me wondering what the f*** I did wrong. Why doesn't she find me attractive? I should hit the gym more often and make myself more attractive. Maybe I called to or texted too much. Maybe I didn't call or text enough??? Just go bang your head against a brick wall until it bleeds. Because no woman has ever volunteered an explanation. And it'd be unattractive to ask for one. ****, I'm getting used to it. Hell, I almost expect this on a first date now days. Just another piece of evidence to prove that women are 10,000 times more selfish than men. I bet you didn't even have the stones to pick up the phone and call him, did you? I bet you sent an insincere text message, didn't you? Right at go time. I hope some guy rips your heart out of your chest one day. You deserve it, you are absolutely, totally selfish. It's all about YOU! Wow, thanks. A guy did rip my heart out and stomp all over it. And I've had 2 different boyfriends die on me. But whatever. We were supposed to meet at 8. At 7, he texted me and said he had gotten caught up at work and was running late, could we meet at 9 instead. I texted back asking if he'd rather do it another night. He said no, he couldn't meet up tomorrow. Then I CALLED him and left a VOICE message that said Well, i 9 is kind of late to meet up on a weeknight. Maybe we can do it some other time. He TEXTED me back and said, are you sure? I want to see you tonight. THEN I didn't text back. I already didn't feel like going earlier, I even made a thread on it. Maybe I shouldn't have given him my number in the first place but good grief, it was 3 days ago and it took me 3 days to decipher things I didn't really care for about him. So that's Sooooo selfish that you want to see me suffer because I cancelled a date? I offered to reschedule for another night, and his response about "tomorrow" was kind of weird, then he was a little pushy about it. But thanks for your input anyway. It never occurred to me that I'd get this strong of a reaction to a thread about canceling a date. It gives me something to think about at least.
Imajerk17 Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 Wow, thanks. A guy did rip my heart out and stomp all over it. And I've had 2 different boyfriends die on me. But whatever. We were supposed to meet at 8. At 7, he texted me and said he had gotten caught up at work and was running late, could we meet at 9 instead. I texted back asking if he'd rather do it another night. He said no, he couldn't meet up tomorrow. Then I CALLED him and left a VOICE message that said Well, i 9 is kind of late to meet up on a weeknight. Maybe we can do it some other time. He TEXTED me back and said, are you sure? I want to see you tonight. THEN I didn't text back. I already didn't feel like going earlier, I even made a thread on it. Maybe I shouldn't have given him my number in the first place but good grief, it was 3 days ago and it took me 3 days to decipher things I didn't really care for about him. So that's Sooooo selfish that you want to see me suffer because I cancelled a date? I offered to reschedule for another night, and his response about "tomorrow" was kind of weird, then he was a little pushy about it. But thanks for your input anyway. It never occurred to me that I'd get this strong of a reaction to a thread about canceling a date. It gives me something to think about at least. Then you DIDN'T flake on him. In fact, if this is how things went down, I don't see how you did anything wrong.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I dunno Beachgirl8. I think you're worrying too much. GUESS WHAT? There are bad people out there. WORSE PART: You will never know who's the good person and who's the bad person without taking a risk. I've had a few women do what I call "punishing me for their ex's bad behavior". They either saw me as the great evil because I have a penis, or worse they saw one tiny thing that reminded them of their ex and immediately I'm rejected. NOW...I'm not saying you must date every guy, but don't take tiny things that might make you think this new guy is like your ex and run with it. You have to unfortunately go on dates with these guys and see how they act. Period. Dump a guy because he was terrible to you, not because you're worried that he might be terrible to you.[/quote Normally I understand all this. I think I'm just a little burned out on first dates and new guys in general. I think I'm going to self impose a dating moratorium for a month or so, and take a break.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 @ imajerk- I considered myself flaking because I never texted him back after the last text. But I kind of felt annoyed also that I got a text back instrlead of a call when I just left a voicemail. I mean, he could have been still at work and couldn't call at that minute, but he also could have waited until he got to the car to call.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 I doubt the guy cares whether or not you cancelled on him or not. He's probably speaking to other women and will go out with them instead, it's no big deal. I know. I was more interested in trying to figure out if I'm seeing red flags that don't exist, or if I just shouldn't be dating in general, or what. Maybe it means nothing and I just had a bad day. I was hoping for input on myself, not him.
TheSingleGuy Posted October 5, 2011 Posted October 5, 2011 If you volunteered to see him at another time, you didn't flake on him. The kind of **** I deal with is they won't answer the phone and then they text to cancel.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 If you volunteered to see him at another time, you didn't flake on him. The kind of **** I deal with is they won't answer the phone and then they text to cancel. Well that's fair. That sucks and I apologize on behalf of my gender if girls do that to you. It's not hard to make a phone call. Maybe "flake" was the wrong verbiage to use in describing the events of last night.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 You're emotionally damaged, you shouldn't be dating anybody. You should be focused on getting back to a healthy mindset. That's pretty much what I've been thinking for the last few years and I've mostly avoided dating while I work on repairing my emotional state. I guess I'm still not ready.
Author Beachgirl8 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Posted October 5, 2011 This. The reason to not date single moms that I agree with. What??? My child is basically grown up and has nothing to do with this.
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